That is some amazing advice. I understand how hard it is to let go, but Eric has given you some nuggets of knowledge. Read it and then re-read it and read it again. Let it sink in. This is a long hard journey, but it needs to be for you.
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
You've received some excellent advice. I know you have lots on your plate( it's a platter by now) so hang in there. You are a good guy and things will get better!
Focus on you and your Ds. Be their rock!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'm sorry things continue to get muddy in your sitch. I follow your threads, but rarely have any wisdom to contribute. I'm here in spirit, and support for you.
I would love nothing more than to see you come through this as a happy, healthy, secure man. You already have such great qualities going for you. It's especially clear in the way you care for your family. Also, I read somewhere that the amount of pain felt can be directly proportionate to the amount of love that was there. That's speaks volumes.
Your thread has become a "Hall of Fame" of vets!! I am learning so much through this. Thank you for continuing to post, and stagger along with the rest of us.
Hi GB and everyone, My D14 called in tears this morning asking me to take her to school as her mom can't for some reason. Unfortunately she called late and although I told her I would try my best to get there in time, by the time I left, she was worried I wouldn't make it and decided to walk. I told her I would look for her when I got in the area. I looked but she wasn't anywhere. Then I got a text saying she was already at school. Also on Monday and Tuesday I couldn't pick her up because of work problems. I feel really badly that I can't be there for her but I can only do so much. I really hate that she has been caught up in all this mess but everyone has to learn and adapt to this new way of life.
I haven't been this down in a while and it's because I need money so badly. Not only that, just when I really needed to bring some in, I couldn't even try as the office systems were down because of another person I trusted not doing what they should. The only good thing that I can see from all this is that now I know that I have no choice and must find a new job. I guess that there's nothing about my old life that will remain after all is said and done. It wasn't perfect but there were good points, great memories made, many accomplishments I can look back on and be proud of.
Eric talked about being a "man of integrity", doing the right thing, etc. I have honestly tried to be that kind of man, in every aspect of my life from business to my M. The thing is the definition of "right thing to do" has become so fluid. What is the "Right" thing? I never expected to be rewarded for doing things the honest, right way. In fact it has cost me in the past in many ways. I could have made a lot more money in the business I'm in if I was willing to compromise my values. I have seen many people who have lied, cheated done things that hurt others to make their lives better, prosper. If I had been willing to do things that way I could have made a lot more money, had a more "comfortable" life but I also wouldn't have felt good about what I accomplished either. It just seems that less and less people seem to understand that honesty and integrity are good things. It just seems that all around me those willing to be selfish and underhanded are winning while those of us that want to do things the "right" way are getting the short end of the stick. It doesn't mean I will stop and join them. It's just that it's getting harder to make it and at the same time live a life that you can be proud of.
While I was M the right thing was so clear. Self sacrifice for the good of the family as a whole. Compromise, not being selfish, supporting my W and kids in the things that mattered and were important to them. Forgiving the small hurts and not keeping a "record" of all the little ways that your S had let you down. At the same time understanding that there were times that I made mistakes and fell short and trying to make those things right or at least learn from them and not let it happen again. Treat my W the way that I would want her to treat me. I really tried to live this way and it worked for a long time. Now I just am so confused as what the "right" thing to do is. Leave her totally on her own and just not care? Just get out of her way and say "That's what she says she wants so..". Being "friendly" is seen as "pressure" but being unfriendly isn't the right way to go. It's easy to say "treat them like a neighbor or roommate' but doing things that I would do for a neighbor or roommate are seen as "pursuit" by my W so, again, that's "pressure". At the same time I can't do the things that she wants from me for lack of funds and at the same time I need to take care of myself first now. At the same time my W is doing things that actually can have very big negative effects on my life and make doing what I need to do even harder, saying one thing and doing another, etc. It's just so hard to figure out what is "right" and what isn't.
The one thing that I can say about Eric's very good post is that I didn't stand out of "fear". I stood because I saw the person I have loved for so long and through so much in obvious pain and crisis. I saw her not sleeping, losing weight to the point of looking anorexic, acting crazy, seeing only the bad in almost everyone and everything in her life except her father and her work. I saw her blaming me and her M as a coping thing, a way to explain why she was so unhappy. If her reasons and spews made any sense, were coherent that would be a different matter. I stood because I made a promise that I would be there in good times and bad, to death do us part and this is definitely a "bad" time for her. I didn't promise only if she felt the same or only if she still feels love towards me. I stood because I would hope that the person I M would have stood for me if I was going through a crisis like my W is. I stood for all the ways that my W loved me for so many years and I loved her in return. Because she is the mother of my children and I appreciate that she choose to have them with me. So many reasons, none of which is fear. Fear of what? I know in the end I can take care of myself. I know that even without my w I will have a great R with my kids. For the last several years I took care of almost every aspect of running the family so I know I can handle that. I'm not afraid that I will spend the rest of my life alone as I get along well will other people and am not intimidated by women or think that no one will "love" me again. Nor am I afraid of living alone which can actually be nice at times. No, not fear.
You are so right that I MUST concentrate on taking care of me and my D's to the best of my ability. To leave my W on her own to make it (or not) on her own. Would I prefer to have her come through this crisis and see that maybe she made a mistake? Sure, that would be nice but I don't "need" her to. Who am I to say it's a "mistake" for her to act the way she is, make the choices she is making? Well, I know that she is acting in a way that, for most of her life she wouldn't think of. I know that she is hurting people that she does care about whether she see's it or not. I know that much of what she is doing is seen by others, people that I know care about her, as "crazy". She has made the choice to live her life the way she is. To abandon her old life and push me out. That's her choice and she can make it. I don't need to think it's a "good" choice or one that is honorable or moral. I would feel the same way if someone I knew made the choices she has in their life. To decide that M vows are meaningless or don't matter. It just doesn't fit with the person she was for so many years (most of them happy years, whether or not she can remember the happy times or not). I don't have to like the choices my w is making or even the kind of person she is being right now to still love the person she was and may still be if she can get through the crisis she is in. May never happen, I get that. But I won't choose to hate her for it either.
Thanks shining! I'm going to keep staggering along for sure. I just need to stop worrying and take more action. I need to make today an action day! I do also realize that once I get through the hard parts, things will probably get easier. I just have to push through those hard parts!
Guess what? You decide that for YOU. My own personal rule of thumb…. When you can look at yourself in the mirror when no one is around and just KNOW you did the right thing…..well then…you did the right thing.
Quote:
I have honestly tried to be that kind of man, in every aspect of my life from business to my M
And this is all that matters…that you know in your heart that you being the best man you can be. On a personal note, one of the things that I have learned FOR MY LIFE…is that if I am very very angry….then I do not make choices that are consistent with who I am. I tend to make them in anger – even if that anger is directed at myself. So I guess the only advice I can give you Matt – is to let go of the anger and do not let it change YOU.
I am sorry about the financial difficulties. Have faith in yourself and stay positive. It will get better. It will.
Quote:
I just have to push through those hard parts!
BINGO – no way “around it”…the only way…is through it! Oh…and Matt……. YOUR DOING IT MAN! I see how hard you are trying….I apologize if I am being to hard on ya.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
The one thing that I can say about Eric's very good post is that I didn't stand out of "fear". I stood because I saw the person I have loved for so long and through so much in obvious pain and crisis. I saw her not sleeping, losing weight to the point of looking anorexic, acting crazy, seeing only the bad in almost everyone and everything in her life except her father and her work. I saw her blaming me and her M as a coping thing, a way to explain why she was so unhappy. If her reasons and spews made any sense, were coherent that would be a different matter. I stood because I made a promise that I would be there in good times and bad, to death do us part and this is definitely a "bad" time for her. I didn't promise only if she felt the same or only if she still feels love towards me. I stood because I would hope that the person I M would have stood for me if I was going through a crisis like my W is. I stood for all the ways that my W loved me for so many years and I loved her in return. Because she is the mother of my children and I appreciate that she choose to have them with me. So many reasons, none of which is fear. Fear of what? I know in the end I can take care of myself. I know that even without my w I will have a great R with my kids. For the last several years I took care of almost every aspect of running the family so I know I can handle that. I'm not afraid that I will spend the rest of my life alone as I get along well will other people and am not intimidated by women or think that no one will "love" me again. Nor am I afraid of living alone which can actually be nice at times. No, not fear.
^^^THAT, in my book, is the "Right" thing.
Very well stated Matt, and I feel the same way.
You are a man of true integrity who has shown much love for his wife. No one can EVER take that from you.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi Matt. Just wanted to give you a shout out. Been quite busy, but didn't want you to think I forgot about you. Sorry if I haven't been supportive, but know that I am thinking of you and know you are getting stronger as you weed your way through this. Hope you are well.
Sorry to hear about your d's trouble this morning. I know you feel that you've let her down, but a couple months ago you made the comment on how your d couldn't see the true w. Sadly she is experiencing what you did but didn't want her to experience.
Continue to be strong for her and your other d. They need that stable person in their lives. You are doing the best you can with what you've been dealt. You'll survive.
What are you doing for yourself this weekend?
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
