Welcome to the board. I am going to just jump in here and try to catch up as I go. I am not one of the majority population in this board community. I am a former wayward wife. The advice or thought I share come from my personal experiences and what I have observed. Just wanted to let you know that upfront. Nobody is much harder on a WAW in an A than another woman who has been there.
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This is where I need BD advice. On the one hand, I am focusing on what I need to do to provide for the kids and myself without her help (I couldnt even rely on her to pick up cereal and juice boxes yesterday), and I feel like I'm making positive strides towards that. I can do it without her. On the other, I feel like she really needs to address whatever it is that is wrong with her, in order to be my partner in parenting, much less my partner in marriage. It feels like any statements I make to her about this are pursuing and pressuring, and also will probably only elicit a negative reaction from her.
You will often read within posts here that you cannot control what she does or thinks. You may influence to some degree, but you won't control your wayward wife. And, she is very wayward! That alone, sets your stitch apart from someone who has the usual struggles in M. A wayward woman has a different mindset from the girl you fell in love with and M. Never underestimate what she might do that totally opposes everything you believe to be right & fair.
One mistake many H's make is believing that trying to turn around and become the H she wanted years ago will fix everything. But for her, things have changed now, and her feelings for you have dried up. It will not be an easy journey for you. You are presently in a different slot of time and her lifestyle has changed. She has told you basically she no longer wants you to be her H. In my VP, many of your outward actions should give her a message that she got what she wanted. I saw what you said about her thinking you were accepting things. Why are you afraid of that for her to think that? Do you believe that throwing a fit or crying over it when she comes around will cause her to stay? Just the opposite is true.
Let me explain. I suggest you take a different approach to certain things you may have always seen to be your job as her H. For example, since you can't rely upon her to get needed items for the kids, then don't. You carry on as if she is not going to be there at all. You get cereal or whatever the kids need. You do it without contacting her to discuss it or ask her anything. In fact, you don't contact.....period. You cook supper for you and the kids, and if she happens to be there....fine, and if she's not....fine. You plan activities just for you and the kids. Don't depend on her to do anything she once did as a mom. Act as if you are a single parent. In many ways, you are. Go on as if you will be just fine, even though you may be feeling your heart breaking. (More about that later.)
Do not think of her as your "partner" at this time. It may help you in detaching emotionally. Do not focus on her lack of parenting or anything else, b/c if you do, it will lead to great frustration and pain. In the past, you would try to tell her what she needed to do (for health or whatever). Now, at this time, don't offer suggestions or advice. If she is truly sick in bed, it is perfectly fine to take her food, meds, etc. (To be clear here, you are not to act mad or cold towards her anytime.). This will be a temporary (hopefully) period of time and not intended to be permantely. I realize I am going fast here, and will try to break it down later. For now, just giving some highlights to give you the picture.
Everyone does not agree with my POV on this approach, and you certainly don't have to do it. I believe a WAW will cake eat just as long as the LBH is willing to serve it. She will get part of her needs met by OM, part through her job and friends, and part from you. Whenever she decides she wants family time, or something you use to do for her......she will expect you to do it. That is cake eating. Many, many H's are fooled into thinking these are signs of baby steps. But that's not true. Other things need to happen before the baby steps come along.
So things to need to drastically change for her. The sooner she experiences life without you always being around or available, the better. Again, I remind you that you are not to show a cold or angry attitude to her. She can do whatever she's. Ig enough to do.....and doesn't haven't to check with you first......even if you think she should. However, same goes the other way.
It is a hard line to be a great guy that a woman would love to have as her H.......and at the same time, doing some of these things I've suggested. But we can discuss it more later. Follow those 37 rules and it will keep you on track. So far, it sounds as if you're doing great.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks so much for your reply sandi. Your threads were the first ones I read here and I really value your perspective. I agree that I shouldn't be upset that she thinks I've accepted this. It's just counterintuitive, but now that I've thought about it I know I'm on the right path. Several weeks now without her saying anything about the S at all, not even vaguely. The tricky thing with my wife is she is very strong with the facade stuff. She's very chipper with me, unless she's in a low spot and feeling sick or tired.
I'm taking time out tonight to see some out of town friends play music, so W must stay at home. I'm planning my day wth the kids tomorrow without her factored in. I bought new pancake supplies. Just now I heard W tell our boys we were going to have pancakes tomorrow, so it seems like she wants to be included in that. It will be nice to work together in the kitchen but I'm not just going to let her do it because she's decided to be involved. New me follows through on plans.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Also the other day I went grocery shopping and she handed me a list. All kids stuff but one thing, this certain cake that she likes. I got her the cake. So yes, she's definitely cake eating!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Had a nice night out seeing old friends. A FF who knows a little about my sitch told me one of her single GFs was in the crowd and introduced us. We chatted a bit but I'm definitely not able to turn on that part of me right now, still it was a confidence boost to just have a nice convo with a new person.
This morning W let me sleep in, something that might have happened once every three or four months during our M. I woke at 9 (that's sleeping in for me) and thanked her, as I really needed it after such a long week and late night. She had already made pancakes! So I guess that was a small failure but whatever. The. She offered to take the boys out for awhile. I stayed home and did yard work. W came home and offered for me to get out for a few hours before she goes out this evening "to study". So...this is a small change, after several weekends of her basically coming and going whenever, she is a bit more engaged.
I'm headed to some bookstores to look for books and then to the gym. Staying the course.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
She will not stay on even keel. Your job is to make nothing out of these little things that may look like a normal wife & mother. It's like a cafeteria menu.......subject to change.
The LBH can easily set himself up for disappointment whenever he has certain desired expectations or he misinterprets some action by her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. I'm ready to ride the waves and have accepted that this is going to be a long journey. Picked up DB and read 30 pgs at the gym. Will probably finish the whole thing tonight while W is out.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Making my way thru DB and wishing I'd read it years ago. Why did I feel like relationships were just magic and that we were smart enough to just figure things out on my own (and how do I get WAW to reach this conclusion? Heh. I know there's no easy answer there)?
Trying to think of ways I can still show W love and support without her cake eating. I'm also very alarmed with how the kids are processing this. Oldest is withdrawing, far moodier. Middle S has always been very needy, demanding (possibly OCD) and this is now in absolute hyperdrive. Yesterday, literally seconds after W left for the night, I put an empty cup in the sink. A minute later middle S came in and asked where the cup with the spider he found was. I had unknowingly put his spider in the sink. For the next hour at least, he was losing his mind, not just sad about the spider, but angry at me for intentionally drowning it, despite me carefully explaining how it was an accident. These episodes are daily now, sometimes several, and I know it's how he is expressing his confusion and lack of control with what is going on. W and I have been avoiding having conversations about this. She seems to be in denial, compartmentalizing her and his behavior (he has always been this way), and I am avoiding bringing it up a: to avoid R talk and b: because I fear that she will deflect this back on to me. But it is a massive elephant in the room. As is the fact that she most likely blew off her therapy intake. I feel like I need to plan a conversation about both of these things that somehow demonstrates my strength and does not come across as controlling. As sandi has pointed out, there are days where she seems happy to be an available loving M to the kids, and days where it just doesn't seem to work for her.
I feel like I am succeeding in all other areas of this process but this one. She didn't come home last night and I didn't give a rip. But our kids are suffering, and I can only shield and pretend at normalcy for so long.
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
Just to vent a bit: since establishing my own bank account, I have been sure to handle the vast majority of household expenses, and I've made it clear that I am happy to do so. Returning from the gym just now, W informs me that she's going to the store for a couple of things we need. "Can I use your debit card? My account is next to zero", she says, with a loaded deadpan voice. I do not take the bait, and offer to just go get what we need. No no, she says, I want to go. I know this is because she needs to buy a new box of wine, as that is the only time she ever insists on going to the store. Many months ago, before any of this began, I told her that I was uncomfortable buying her alcohol, as she had asked me to help her stop drinking. I gave her the debit card, wanting to avoid a deeper convo. Mistake probably. Not sure why I trust her to adhere to that boundary when she's broken so many others, but I'm hoping she pays for the wine with her own card. Ugh. I need to lay that one down. Hard to do in detach mode.
Finished DB. I gained a lot from it but I feel like lots of it would have been better used months before this situation melted down. I have plenty to think about should she ever indicate wanting to reconcile. Is DR more geared to the crisis I am in now?
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
To be clear, my venting was aimed at WAWs attitude. As if I'm responsible for her being broke. As if I have ever or would ever want her to suffer from financial destitution. This decision is of her making!
M: 33 W: 33 M: 9 T: 10 3 S's: 8, 6 and 1.5 BD: 8/3/14 Living together
