M- did you pay the electric bill. I just got an email that they where shutting off the power on the 14th. W- I can try and pay it today. W- are you going to pay your last child support from the last check M- are you talking the last month check that you still haven't cashed or the check that is this week ha ha W- just found it in my purse. My lucky day! M- not mine I just lost $$$ ha ha W- can you pay the electric bill and I'll pay you the difference tonight M- sure I can but you'll have to pay me tomorrow at the game because I'm busy tonight W- thank you! Let me know when you pay it. Have a GOOD night!!!
What the $&@" is that. I know it shouldn't matter but what is that. Is she mad that I'm busy or happy that I'm going to be busy. I think she's mad and sarcastic but wow some times I just don't get stuff. Just laughing to my self because I don't get it!
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
What the $&@" is that. I know it shouldn't matter but what is that. Is she mad that I'm busy or happy that I'm going to be busy. I think she's mad and sarcastic but wow some times I just don't get stuff. Just laughing to my self because I don't get it!
Get what? Not only do I see nothing to "get", you're mind-reading and that is a big no-no. Knock it off.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I've come to the conclusion that I might be a bit jealous. And I would like to work on that. But don't know how. Any suggestions would help.
I get jealous over stuff with the wife, but don't show it and it eats me up. Like, how is she able to move on and I can't. With OM, teaches stuff to the kids that I can't or even spends time with them or does stuff with them, buys stuff for them like toys and such. With bio dad of the oldest, buys stuff for him. That stuff eats me up and I don't want it to but don't know how to stop it. Even the stuff the wife wears that OM bought her kills me. This part of my detachment would help me out greatly I think.
Yes I'm doing my GAL and my 180's. But I think I'm not detaching enough because I constantly think about her. Yah sure for the couple of hours I'm doing an activity but it's sure to follow right after it's done. I want that pain and need for her to stop. It's always there. I think the jealously is a big or small part of it.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
Jealousy is often born out of low self esteem. It is a form of anger. I suppose most of us might feel jealous of our spouse and kids when it appears another person is taking our place, doing things we aren't able to do for our loved ones, or scared our loved ones will have stronger feelings for someone else than they do for us. Hard to be human without experiencing a little bit of jealousy in our lifetime. The problem is that no matter how much assurance someone tries to give you, you are the only one who control your feelings.
I have seen similar situations as yours, where the new man steps in the lives of the kids, buying things and doing all kinds of things with them. Makes the dad feel protective, jealous, and inadequate a lot of times. Hurts when the kids want to talk and praise the new man. They don't realize it's like a knife to their dad's heart. I get it. I really do! I have seen that pain up very close and personal.
One thing to remember about your kids, nobody will ever be able to "replace" their father. And, if you raised them right....then they will have the ability to like and/or love more than one person in their lives. Besides, the OM has to make a good impression on your kids, b/c they are a part of a packaged deal. You don't have to make an impression! He has to try and win them, and you don't. You already have their hearts. For a short time, they may be excited over the new man who is showering them with gifts and attention, however, it will probably fade off in time. Kids are smarter than we often give them credit for. They can see through adults, even if they don't let on that they do.
Whenever I read a user name that reflects they are a parent, like you "3kids", it tells me they don't take parenthood lightly, and that the kids are a huge part of the parent's life. But guess what? Your children know that better than anyone else on earth. They may not know how to tell you in those exact words, and probably don't realize you need to be assured right now, but they above all know you are their dad. They may have other male figures in their lifetime....but only one dad. Never worry about them loving another man the way they love you. Okay?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you so much Sandi! You actually brought a tier to my eye! But do you have any advise on controlling that jealousy. In the wife's conversation yesterday she made a comment as towards that I give the kids odd or angery looks when they talk about OM or bio dad. I just want to control that about myself but I deffentaly don't like hearing about it. Because you are right it's like a knife to the heart. Even if it's some thing stupid like a little trick or something. It hurts.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
All I know to advise is that you believe in yourself to be the better person. If you feel the sting of jealousy, examine your heart and see if it b/c you feel lacking in that area. You know you are a better man than OM is. You know for a fact his moral compass is out of whack or he would not be pursuing a M woman and breaking up the home of these children. You already are well ahead of him where your kids are concerned. If your kids like him, believe it b/c you raised them not to be rude the ignorant and to those less deserving. If your W prefers OM to you, believe she is the one who is messed up and making a really bad decision.....and not b/c you are of any lesser category.
I believe it does take self confidence to overcome the jealousy monster. Stop and think about it. It is the insecurity that causes the jealous feelings to follow. You feel insecure about saving your M. If you feel you've lost your W to OM, then you may feel insecure about your children's love for you. Can OM sweep them away from you and cause them to love him more than you? B/c you have been extremely hurt by your W's betrayal, it causes you to fear losing others you love. Face the facts in your brain, and follow through with the actions.....and eventually, I believe you will overcome it. It takes self talk, prayer, and practice. Sometimes just having a good friend to reassure us helps.
It takes keeping your head balanced and thinking clearly. It takes a lot of mature confidence to show grace and poise not to take the things they do as a direct personal attack on you. That is why you have to see it through different eyes. You are sorry for them b/c they are who they are. You are who you are....and they can't take that away from you.
If at times it appears he is getting what rightly should be yours, just remember it will be shortly lived. The glow will wear off what's new to them all.
When you know you are being the very best to your ability, you should never feel less of a man just b/c another man appears to come out good at the moment. Don't be jealous of a person receiving his short-term glorification that was received in an underhanded way. You did not have to steal what rightly belonged to another person. He did. That makes him less than a man of integrity. That makes him less of a leader for your children.
If you give hard looks at your kids when they mention the OM, they might feel they have done something wrong. They may feel that you are mad at them. Any attempts at explaining to them how you feel could complicate their lives more by thinking they have to protect your feelings. That could be too grown up for them right now, IDK. Some day, the children may know the truth, but for now they should not have to worry about those details of their parents' lives. Look at it as though this is your way of protecting their innocence and allowing them to be children. They have such few years before they grow up in this world.
It is tragic that your W has not been able to see or accept the truth yet. But you know what it is. Do not allow her or OM to rob you of your self worth. At the end of the day, every person has to live with themselves. I think you will have a easier time doing it than they will. To be able to lay down at the close of a day and have a sense of peace with yourself is a blessing in itself.
Hopefully, someone else can help give better advise about fighting the jealousy feelings.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Man I hate the emotional days. The days you just can't shake the funk.
Well I'll journal some then. During the convo yesterday some points. Wifes depression still is there, I knew it wouldn't go away. And will probably come back more often. Maybe when she hits rock bottom she will ask for help. She made a couple of comments to note. Don't know why she told me that her an OM are having problems along with family problems. But I knew they would now that they are spending more time with each other. Also she mentioned that when he is around the kids are happy but when he isn't they act out towards her. And cry and are mean to her and each other. She stated that she is unhappy with life. Can't consitrate on school or work or the kids. Every thing that is important to her. She mentioned at one point that she thought it was situational(depression) but then said she has so many roads In front of her that she just doesn't know which one to take. This is not the first time she said this. Way back when she was contiplating making a go with the family a choice. She was mentioning this. The roads must be a choice she is battling with of which life she wants to live. Family, OM, or indepence. She is hurting and I feel bad because I played a part in that hurt. Being less available is working I think. I was at the bank yesterday and the school is right next to it. My oldest was sitting out side, so I swong up there to see if he needed a ride. Right when I did the wife pulled up. I said hi to the wife and see ya later. Got a text right a away when I got home. How much do I owe you? You sure bolted quickly. I didn't respond. No need to.
Exicted for this weekend have a lot planned with the kids.
God give me the strength to go the marathon. I need it.
M36/W30 S13,D10,S6 Married 4.5 together 12 Bomb 1/14 EA/PA OM 1/14 still going Served 2/14/14 Separated 3/14 D paused 6/14 6/15 divorced
