I would like to buy a v_w__l, please! #9

[Mighty]

Hey GB. Ugh, those postings are ridiculous. It is good you are able to separate emotion from that nonsense. It can be very frustrating when OW makes such a vile comment like that, especially one that would be hurtful to your kids.

I would possibly keep that in your back pocket. It could be a serious truth dart someday. Good girl for keeping it together and not reacting to that. You have been very mature and well-balanced through this. That is especially important with your kids.

I know the kids can be difficult during this time, but Wonka is right on with that. With so many things out of their control, a good sense of security is what they need, and they are counting on you for that. My d has said the same thing about xh, that he is weird. That has got to be tough for kids to look at a parent like some weird creature.

Donno.... these guys are so checked out of reality, it is hard to imagine they find women to go along with them. Just shows you how desperate and selfish some people are.
Keep your head up, GB.

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. Big stream of conscience post. Long. Move over "War and Peace "You all know I love a good laugh. I forgot to say the ex Mr GB says he's "finally living life to the fullest and it's no longer on hold." Posting inappropriate language /stories and your sex life with your college gf, playing video games and tweeting about how dumb your boss and coworkers are is living life to the fullest? Wow. Somehow I don't feeling I'm missing out on not pursuing that life. His journey. Does remind me that while our m had issues and I was far from the perfect wife, much of this is about him. Not me.

Yes, Wonka. I'm very fortunate regarding my xILs. They are wonderful people who love their son deeply. They have always and continue to be financially generous and have helped me get my house in quasi list condition. My xFIL has always said that the ex Mr GB out punted his coverage with me and that I had such a good head on my shoulders. (Some hair days better than others) I am grateful for their goodness and they are exceptional grandparents.

I woke up spinning a little last night. This rarely happens anymore and wanted to share something. When I first came here, I hoped my sitch was different. The craziness. The preposterous things my h said. I was so sure that this was just a hiccup in our R (I really didn't understand that when people BD, the old R is truly done), that I told my then h "that I knew we could fix us." He said he didn't want us to work. Still not comprehending, I googled site and found that when you have kids, then you should go to therapy a d try for a year. I knew we could tackle this and I was ready to dive I to full on Handy Mandy you break it, we fix it mode. Problem was, my then h was already seeking romance and snap chatting with others. He was trying to shed his responsibilities and obligations to hang with his newly acquired 20 something friends. One thing I learned is that I've never though much about OW. She immature and I'm not being rude, but let's just say she's not too much to look at just from a fairly normal perspective. I represent history, obligations, and mom. I'm not a shiny new object and I'm okay with that.


Anyway, when I first came here I felt like you had to admit you were this deplorable human being and ghosts why your spouse BD'ed you. That was my very FRAGILE perspective. That confused me because I knew I was a good person and other people referred to me as a catch. I also knew I had put my M on the backburner. I made mistakes. I am flawed. Was I so bad that I wasn't worthy of love and commitment? No. When I originally came here, I read the SSM forum (I chuckle at how wrong I was with my perception). I just didn't *get it*. I've had relationships end and they ended in a *normal* manner. I was a mother and breadwinner, followed by a wife. At the time, I did the best I could with what I knew and with the balls I had to juggle. I was resentful to the max regarding my xh. I loved him but I didn't want to kiss or hug him. Why didn't he work? Why couldn't he do stuff around the house? He was difficult. Oh gosh, he got fired again. And I just swooped in from work, started laundry, bathed the dog, read to the kids, paid the bills and he wants to kiss me??? Shame on me for acting like I was Wonder Woman. I had to be right. He would never leave his family. He did. I was wrong. Why couldn't I relax? Because I couldn't let anything go. I too kept a silent scorecard. My xh turned the washer on twice in 6 years. The 2nd time I had to show him. I did it hundreds. What did I win? Clean laundry. There was nothing to win. No one was going to name me house cleaner of the century but if I didn't do it, who would? It would have all been done in time. I couldn't be in the moment. Now I can. I've burned my scorecard. There is nothing to gain by keeping tally.


Occasionally, I read a sitch where the h is posting why the w left. And I think @I can relate to her!! She's freaking exhausted and he doesn't see it." And I think I tried to do everything and it still backfired. And I realize and I struggled with this for so long, this WAS going to happen no matter what. I don't absolve myself of my part in this. Quite the opposite.

I read many threads here and I don't comments on most. It makes me sad when new people post and sometimes you can literally feel someone's pain in their posting. Ugh. And there are people who are sick, haven't worked in years, and in addition to the implosion of their R, they are literally trying to survive. Isn't that what we all try to do? After reading here and seeing eerily similar circumstances, you sometimes * know * what's next. And sometimes you don't want to know.
I read where people say if xh or xw will just apologize then we can R. I don't ever expect an apology from xh. And that's okay. I accept that. I read the piecing and I think "geez this looks more difficult than moving on ." I say none of this to squelch hope because I believe there is no better way to better yourself and your Rs than with DBing. I read on other forums but I don't post unless it's just a funny. I loathe vindictiveness and vengeful behavior. Yes, I do occasionally feel that and I will not be that way.

I'm grateful. I'm happy. I'm thankful. I live better than at least 90% of the world's population. My life is different than what I saw and it's good. It can even be better. My R with xh? It will become what it's supposed to be. I have 3 wonderful kids who I love more than anything. I'm so blessed to be their mom. That was wordy eh? Just ruminating over stuff I've felt. Happy Tuesday:). Enjoy the typos !!!

[Shining]

Amen, sista.

Look at you, and your wordy-a$$ go!!! (I'm fluent in 'wordy', 'typo', 'sarcasm' and I'm studying 'gobbledygook', along with GoatGal.

You sound terrific. And wise. Dang. Loved reading this today .

[Georgiabelle]

Funny for everyone. Yesterday, they were coming to redo floors. I know this crew as they've done all repairs to get house in quasi listable shape. X Mr GB was late (nothing new although I did laugh when OW said it was disrespectful for me not to leave as soon he gets there. OW, please feel free to have a convo with me when you get a job and pay bills).

Me- " Ex Mr GB, don't lock the back door as crew will be here at 7." This should not be a concern as he rarely locks doors and actually has left door wide open. I grabbed person and just said "dog has been out so door is unlocked".

I get call from crew after I get to work. We can't get in. Door is locked. Gah!!!!! And interestingly enough, I don't think he did it on purpose. I just think he for once recognized door was unlocked and he locked it. Stay looney, EX Mr GB:-)

[Georgiabelle]

I would appreciate any opinions on this topic. A couple of former coworkers have been heavily pursuing me for a new career opp. I met with the national sales director this evening (I used to work with him and we are friendly. I've known him for years).

My current gig is good. I work in what is considered a sexy industry (no- not lingerie modeling). However, it is a changing and contracting industry. The lowdown of my current gig is as follows:

I work with good people. I adore my boss. I make just a smidge under 6 figures. Many perks. Good benefits. Great vacation and the company is financially sound. My job is not particularly stressful. I do travel a few times a year and because of the industry, it takes me to NYC, LA, SF, and London. I used to travel a ton for my old job. To be perfectly candid, I'm not particularly challenged and it is and will continue to be a contracting industry. My commute is about 45 minutes on the am and an hour to get my kids in the afternoon. They have been very kind and supportive of me. I do have to plan ahead. I have no idea of the longevity of my current position and I would prefer to change industries. It is to this day, the best job/ package I have ever had.

The new opportunity is work from home. Over 6 figures. Even better benefits. Thriving industry that I cannot even with my very vivid imagination envision this going away. Not a great vacation package. Stellar benefits. I would have to travel about 4 days a month. More stress, yet not stress like I've had before with a start up. . Very financially secure company. As I am friends with one of the people, they are aware of the changes in my life although I hate discussing my caca except here. I could also move at any point and that would not be an issue.

At my current gig, I have a $5k bonus coming at end of Nov. and a 5 digit check in January. It may sound counterintuitive but I was honest on that I did not want to make any changes until the new year. I realize it's more money in the new opp, however I would prefer to stay at my current gig and take these 2 lump payments. Plus, honestly, I'm not quite myself yet as I'm still processing this stuff. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm not quite my fully energetic , enthusiastic self even though I am highly interested in this opp. They are not in a hurry and have been clear.

Am I silly for staying for the big payment in Jan when I could be making more $$$$ in general? For the first time, I can truly evaluate an opp without worrying about how all would impact my spouse (he's an ex now ). Due to reasons I've discussed before (and I don't want to bore anyone anymore than I have), I always had to consider how things impacted him very early in the process. I don't regret that-it was just necessary and what I felt was best. No more. Just what is in the best interest for me and the peeps.

Thoughts??? Thanks for any input.

[Shining]

Ohhhh........wow. Big decision. Congrats!!

If you can stay through the lump checks, and then go for the new, from what it sounds like....me knowing nothing from the outside? Yeeeaasshhhh.

It can be good to be comfortable, less-than-challenged, through this stress and grief. I don't know how I'm going to learn anything new right now.... ...... that's a scary thought for me.

But by January, the timing could work out. Unless of course.....life throws some kind of .....never mind.

Ok, just so you know, I have never been motivated by money. I've had it, I've lost it, rinse repeat. It doesn't move me emotionally, and my family believes to this day it's an abnormal disorder that I must have, to be so indifferent about money.....

But....I would ask myself, because I really don't know these answers:

Why wouldn't you?

Why not try to capitalize on the opportunity if it's possible?

I mean....you're worth that. That's why they have those lumps for your position, no? .

Unless the lumps serve as a "promise to stay" or if your integrity is at stake....that would be the thing that would hold me back.

[ericmsant2]

GB

First congrats!

Am I silly for staying for the big payment in Jan when I could be making more $$$$ in general?

I would not call that silly – I call it smart. Then again, if possible you could ask the lump sum as part of the negotiation with the new firm.

I always had to consider how things impacted him very early in the process. I don't regret that-it was just necessary and what I felt was best. No more. Just what is in the best interest for me and the peeps.

BINGO. What is in the best interest of you and the peeps!

My only comments are:

1) One of the hardest things for me to do post all of this (to use your words) caca….was to learn how to TRUST MYSELF. So my advice would be…to really listen to your inner self. Trust your instincts. Do not let FEAR drive any of your choices.
2) My second point FWIW…..is to ask yourself a few questions (as I like to say…I do not need the answers…they are for you)
a. Is part of you running on some level?
b. What impact will this have on the kids?
c. Is this really what you want OR are you doing it to change things up?

On personal note, flexibility for me is the most important thing. I had 3 kids to think about and although they are no longer little…I still needed to think about them. I also had to think about me. Luckily, my employer understood and continues to understand the position I am in and that is worth much more than a bigger paycheck. FTR, I am not saying this to sway you one way or another – just giving you my perspective. Maybe it helps maybe it does not.

This much I do know….

I have watched you do the “work”….I have no doubt that whatever you choose will be the right thing.

Good luck and God Bless.
Eric

[Wonka]

GB,

I think for people in the business world the focus has been the tangibles which are salary, commission, bonuses, and perks that are the outward definitions of "success."

For me, I've found that it's the intangibles that really count the most. A boss and colleagues that are a joy to work with. Working with nasty people or Negative Nellies are downers. I've experienced both working from and being a "corporate" office worker. It is a personal preference for the individual.

I have really enjoyed working from home because it allowed me greater flexibility to take care of some personal issues such as running to the store to get certain things, drop off my clothes for tailoring, or whatnot. As a "corporate" worker, you lose some flexibility as the expectation is that you show up at the office to put in the 'work.' This is precisely what the big bugaboo was all about when Yahoo! CEO forced all the telecommuters to begin working from the HQ instead of their homes...it ensured a firestorm.

You can negotiate a long vacation package. I've asked for 3 weeks upfront as a way to rejuvenate myself and allows me to be a better worker by re-focusing after returning from vacation. As you know by now, anything is "negotiable" under the sun.

It seems to me that the folks at the company is willing to wait for you. And the new year will come up pretty fast...it's only 3 months away. Sometimes it's okay to sit tight and take care of yourself. If Company X really, really wants you to join their team, they'll make it work.

[BklynMom]

I am not saying this sarcastically but what are the disadvantages to workjng at home (hello no commute) and making more money to your current job?

For everything you have written you are very successful in the career aspect of your life. Why the hesitation to continue in that direction

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks Shining, Eric (I've missed you!)Wonka, and BK (I certainly didn't take your comment sarcastically). I do want to make a change and my current gig has good people and the new gig has good people as well. That is an important piece if the puzzle for me. While the new position should be a "win", at this immediate moment, I feel like I have had so much change (and I try to embrace it) that I think I just want to be for a couple of months. BK, you are right in that it's all good. While commutes sukk from a time perspective, it's my time to listen to Mike and Mike in the am. I can do that at home. That's just what I use my commute for- to listen to mindless, *fun* stuff. I just think I want to stay put for a couple of months. I don't want to miss out. I remember the last time I worked at home I could not let it go. I know this is different but I just don't feel ready to pull the trigger...yet. I feel.... anxious right now in general. I don't know if I worry about the couple of days a month of travel and don't want to put too much X ILs. I cannot put my finger on it. Not about x Mr GB or relationships in general, just feel sort of off balance. I know I will work through it.

Did some work around the house this weekend. Dog bathed and looking and smelling fresh and lovely. I do think the house thing is partially fueling my anxiety. X Mr GB got the boys yesterday(D9 refused to go.) d9 and I ran errands, had lunch and watched some g-dforssaken depressing flick. We tried on skinny jeans. I love it when my large intestine wraps around my heart in a good pair of skinny jeans. My phone starts buzzing at 7:30 am today. X Mr GB wants to know if he can bring the boys back in an hour as they were ready to come home. The next text said. "You know how they can be". Yes, ex Mr. GB. I do know how they are. I said wait until 10:30 please. D and I need to run to grocery store and get something before house is shown today. Oh and can he bring the other dog back for the week? He's a lot of work said x Mr.GB. X Mr GB arrived wearing the shorts he always laughed at others wearing. D-wear as he called it. I had to smile.

Made dinner with s11. I continue to be surprised and blessed with random acts of kindness. House has been decorated for Halloween BIG time since end of August. Thank you all for your kindness. I do appreciate it. Sending gratitude and positive energy to you all :-)