Do I walk away from WAW? (1)

[1foot2]

Thanks for checking in rp! Yeah, I have the desire to do something drastic like that every time this happens. I feel like I am living in someone else's pathological facade. Her parents know about this but think she is handling it responsibly. Her sister is worried, but says "you're both adults, you will come out of this fine no matter what happens". Her BFF tells me she is worried about and crying for my W, but then goes out and has fun with W and tells W about our conversations to make me look like the pursuer. BFF flat out asked me if I would ever "take the boys away from W". "You wouldn't do that would you?" As if IM the bad guy here, as if IM the one making rash decisions. As if IM neglecting the family. I told her that I resent even being asked that question.

[NewLeaf]

Others might have better advice here, but I'd keep the conversations short with the BFF. It doesn't sound like she's helping or in your corner here, not that you should be cold to her, it just doesn't sound like communicating details to her is going to help your situation.

[bdub]

Or, you could use that channel of communication to your benefit. It may seem like "playing games" and it can backfire. I used a back channel like this a few times and it worked. Just be careful and know your consequences.
Just because you would never take the kids away from her does not mean you have to tell her that. especially with such a young child in the picture.

[1foot2]

Good advice guys. I am certainly careful with the BFF. Her role in this is exceedingly complex. She was the one who introduced my W to her '11 AP, and has made a big deal over how I "blame her" for Ws '11 A, a lot of which I believe is my W's doing. Of course, now BFF is dating said AP. it's hilarious to me, again, that I am the one held accountable for my feelings about such a strange situation. BFF is a big part of our lives. Her and W are attached at the hip via phone. And her kids are the same age as mine and are best friends, so it's hard to really get distance from her. During the '11 A, I reached out to her a lot to find out what was going on, and this understandably put BFF in a bad spot, which I no longer do. I've been very careful with what I say to her, but she pries, asking me questions about Ws behavior that she is obviously in denial about, as she should know better than anyone. I repeatedly refused to answer these questions in our phone convo this week, saying only things that I am comfortable with her repeating to W, as she is an absolute sieve. I'm focusing on myself, I'm seeking stability, I am patient, I still care for her and am worried about her. She repeatedly complimented me on my strength and what an "amazing man" I am, and texted after to say it was a great conversation. She is very spiritual and emotional and honestly, I question if she's really able to handle this, as she seems to have some desperate need to validate my W and keep her as a friend. This is understandable but it's still frustrating. I am going to continue to keep contact with her very limited, but it's hard when she approaches me being very sympathetic to my position, as I feel like she's the only one who can somehow translate my feelings to my W. But I can't count on her at all.

[1foot2]

Reread the rules and several threads and I think I am back on track. Unless she brings up a conversation I will say nothing to her about the past two days events. If we do talk, I will reiterate that my focus is on myself and the kids. I feel like I should say something about not coming home the past couple mornings, but it's probably best to just leave it, as evidence that I can do it without her. Thinking about planning a day trip for Sunday ( "my day" with the kids since I work Saturdays) and just getting out with them all day regardless of what her plans are.

[1foot2]

Also, rethinking what I read when I snooped, and newleaf is right, it's proof that my 180s/GAL are working. It's her thinking that I've "moved on" and "accepted this" that's throwing me. Won't that only encourage her to keep up this behavior? I guess I must just be patient and accept the process.

[MrBond]

You keep quoting that you're DBing. But you have never read the books yet have you? You can't keep asking for help that is right in the books.

We all did the work. You can't skip any steps and expect people to spoonfeed you the answers.

[1foot2]

The swift cold touch of mrbond! I'm aiming to pick up one of the books this weekend. Hopefully the used bookstore has one, seems likely right? Not a book that everyone hangs into forever I'd think. I know I'm skipping steps, I only found this forum a few weeks ago, and I was just grateful to find a place to air this out with people who understand. Everyone I talk to just shrugs or gets very angry. I will chronicle my work through the books for sure.

[MrBond]

"The swift cold touch of mrbond!"

Not at all. It's just that I've seen too many people come here, explain how they are "DBing", yet have never read the book, then complain when their M doesn't work. There are no cutting corners with this and the basis of everything are the strategies detailed in the books.

"I'm aiming to pick up one of the books this weekend. Hopefully the used bookstore has one, seems likely right? Not a book that everyone hangs into forever I'd think."

And that shows your inexperience. It's not just a book about troubled M. It's a book that you should read even if you're in a good relationship and a book about LIFE changes that can be applied to everyone not just your spouse.

"I know I'm skipping steps, I only found this forum a few weeks ago, and I was just grateful to find a place to air this out with people who understand."

Yes and it was a few weeks of wasted time since you spent most of the time lamenting about your situation without doing the work to get your W back.

You can joke all you want about it. It's a sign of insecurity. Bottom line is that your W isn't home and you're alone. The books will help you to get that back. That is, unless you don't want it. The choice is yours.

[1foot2]

Alright then. I wouldnt say its been a waste of time as I was at the utter end of my rope before finding the stories and strategies in this forum, but...point taken I guess.