Feeling hopeless today. I think it's because today, I know he is in OW's arms. Ugh. It's almost better not to know but to suspect because now that I KNOW I think of the reality of it.
Can I just say I hate MLC? I want my old H back! Not this cheating idiot but my OLD H!
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
I have had many hopeless days over the past 15 months, but one thing I've learned is: they pass. Just like anything else. So hang on until this one passes and you feel stronger again, because it will happen. In the meantime, just about any GAL activity is going to help you take the focus OFF the OW and back on you and what you are doing at that moment in time. Any time you spend thinking about her/them is a moment out of your precious life that you can't ever get back - you gave it to them instead. Don't let her/them have that power! Keep it for yourself and do something fun, interesting, new that will make you feel good about yourself. I've also done my share of obsessing over OW, and all it did was make me feel MUCH worse. Better not to know, and to go on with your life regardless of what he/they are doing today. And, I totally get what you mean about wanting old H back. But, I don't they EVER come back from MLC just as they were before MLC. So many changes going on, they can't possibly come out the other side unchanged. But, if they have a brain in their head, they will learn something from all of this turmoil and come out smarter, and happier, whatever 'happiness' means to them. Hand in there...definitely know where you're coming from...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
I know its hard not to think about him with the ow. But I promise you its not how you think.
How can it be with someone who is broken and in crisis? Most ow's are broken as well. The MLCer looks for people they can fix. They think that will fix what is wrong inside of them.
So, how can two broken people have anything of substance? It is a house of cards that will fall. It cannot sustain when its foundation is the breaking up of a family.
What can you do to stop your thoughts from going there? A rubberband on your wrist? Think STOP! Go do something? Whatever it takes, sweetie. One moment at a time.
FTH - Listen to Ur....she's amazing and speaks the truth.
Chin up. It gets better.
Tad
Currently: M 56 XW 57 Sons 38,33,31,29
The Sitch: Married 26 years EA w/ OM 9/10 Bomb 10/10 (5 weeks after 25th anniversary) Sep 12/10 She wants D 1/11 W files 5/11 D final 10/11 XW marries OM 6/13
Thank you so much for the words of encouragement. I have thought about what uRworthy said and you are totally right. I think I knew that in my heart but to have it at the forefront of my mind is a good thing. I know about the whole "affair down" concept, I just hope he affaired-WAY-down so that it implodes sooner.
Of course, just because it implodes with her doesn't mean he comes out of this crisis or comes to his senses and realizes what he has in me and our family. I realize that may take a long time, if ever. I am just praying like crazy and can't shake this gut instinct (or maybe God's voice) that our R is not over forever, as a couple. Of course, we will always have some sort of R since we have 3 kids together.
I have also been considering moving to PA where H is. Simply so that my kids can see their Dad on a more regular basis. His reaction to this is not to like it because he feels they are happy and secure here, where we have the support of friends, family, school and church. He also says that he may have to move for work again in the next 1-2 years and he doesn't want me to get mad about that. My thoughts are that I was already unhappy with the amount he was away (approx 85% of their lives) and that needs to change, it is of utmost importance that he is in their lives on a regular basis. Of course, the man he is now and the choices he is making are not necessarily what I need them to see in a father. Once he comes out of this MLC he may make different decisions or begin coming back here more often so I am unsure of what I should do.
Any advice or BTDT on that?
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
My gut instinct says, don't move. That support network of friends and family is invaluable to you. Plus it's less disruption to the kids.
Yes, it's incredibly rotten that H doesn't say "Yes! I'd love to have you live nearby and I could take the kids every weekend!". But the sad truth is, he's not just running away from you, he's running away from parenthood. Plus, again, OW may have NO IDEA that he's a married man with three kids, and you moving there might blow his cover.
Stay where you have people who can take the kids for an evening or weekend as you start building a life for yourself.
So, here's my question for today: How in the world do I stop thinking about H and where our life is headed? I know I need to move on and GAL and act "as if" but I can't seem to square all that with still having hope which is combined with intense fear.
I am religious so I pray often each day, some days it seems as if I am praying nearly all day. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it seems as if it just keeps me thinking about it.
My life is just not turning out the way I thought it would and I (and my kids) certainly do not deserve this.
UGH. That's the nicest way to put it.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
So, I just got an email that H added an "authorized user" to his credit card account. He doesn't know that I have these emails coming (apparently he did not update the email address). I'm concerned that H or the OW could run up this credit card (not a high limit only $2500 a this time) and then I would be liable for 1/2 of it.
Is there anything I can do about this?
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
