In limbo, need to figure out next steps (thread #5

[shodan]

here is a link to my previous thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2481881&page=9

The last two days have been tough. I have gone back to having that ache/pain in my chest. I vacillate between just filing for D b/c she will not respect my boundaries (there is no transparency, she does as she pleases, still keeps secrets from me, etc.) vs. continuing this process of detaching and GAL. Ironically, she seems to be detaching from me. No texts to me (except she will copy me on texts to/from our D10), does not appear to want to be around me, etc. This is probably a good thing anyway b/c it helps me to detach more.

I realize that my good days and bad days rely heavily on my interactions with her. That clearly shows that I am not detached. In an odd way, I am coming closer and closer to be OK getting divorced and moving on. I know I will meet someone else. But I feel so bad for my kids. They don't deserve this. Our kids are so great. They do well at school, have great friends, love sports, etc. I know a D will throw them for a loop. Sure, plenty of kids survive a D just fine so I know it can be done.

Maybe I am rushing the process. She asked for the D back in early June and has not asked for it again or pursued anything sort of S. But she is not committed to this M either. I think that if I could GAL more and detach more, I would be able to weather the storm of limbo a bit longer. But I also know that I am giving her no reason to stop the A and be transparent with me. Do I need to file for D to enforce my boundaries? I have a call with my DB coach on Thursday and plan to ask her this question as well.

[Starsky309]

I think it's time to rattle her tree. Whether or not that rattling is the final hole card of "filing for D" is something only YOU can answer. But she clearly has no real reason NOT to just continue to do what she's doing.


Starsky

[shodan]

Is there any other way to rattle her? Probably not

[Starsky309]

What emotional needs and/or financial needs of hers are you still filling?

Someone once advised on here for a betrayed spouse to take just ONE THING each week that they USED to do for their spouse, and replace it with something they should do for themselves. I liked that.

As you know, I ultimately played the ultimate "D" hole card. But only after bombing Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and giving my wife several opportunities to turn away from the destructive path she was on. But it wasn't a TACTIC; I was really, truly DONE.

Only you will know when you reach that point.


Starsky

[shodan]

Emotionally, I am less and less there for her. Every once in a while, we talk about her job, the stress that she has, how she misses the kids when she travels, etc. I try to listen but other times I just say "you are a big girl, I am sure you will figure it out." This detaching seemed to be working as she was seemed to be nicer towards me, wanted to be around me more, etc.

So I was doing OK with detaching from her until I found the tickets to the concert this week. That is the problem with snooping...it can set you back emotionally. Before that I was doing well with detaching and figured that I would give her her space. I was thinking perhaps she had ended things with the OM? Perhaps she was still confused about everything? But then I found the tickets, which set me back. It is just lies, lies and more lies.

I also don't want to jump to conclusions (one of my 180s). I have no idea if she still is with the OM. I have no idea whom she intended to bring to this concert. I just don't know anything because there is no transparency. I just don't believe her, ever.

Last I spoke with my DB coach, her advice was just to back off and detach. Give her time and space. Focus on myself, my kids, GALing, detaching, etc.


As you have said before, I don't think my W senses that she is losing me. She did comment today that I seemed irritated with her, to which I commented that I was not. But she knows that I want this M to work (ideally). My actions need to change clearly. I have told her to just move to NYC and that we would both benefit from the separation. She refuses to do that. She said she does not want to do that to the kids.

uggh...this is so hard.

[Onguard]

Shodan, snooping has set me back emotionally as well. Now, when I get the urge to spy on her, I think, what is the difference? Her unwillingness to be transparent says it all in my opinion. It's best to have no expectations about what may or may not be going on with the OM or inside her head. A few days ago things seemed to be improving nicely. Now a setback with the concert tickets. Is there any way you could ask her about the tickets? It has got to be really hard to keep quiet. Overall though You are doing great! Your ability to detach, GAL, have fun and act confident are impressive. Keep working your process. Know that you will be ok no matter what. Hang in there man!

[shodan]

Onguard

Totally agree with snooping. It is getting me no where but just angry and emotional, which is my #1 issue with detaching.

I spoke with my DB coach yesterday, who continued to offer the same/similar advice
- don' t talk about the A, the texting, etc.
- Don't care where she is or what she is doing. She needs to believe that I am letting go.
- stop being controlling in any way. She knows my boundaries, so there is no need to repeat them. Repeating them seems controlling to my W.
- continue to ask myself...is what I am doing or about to do going to help me towards my goal?
- Get out of my own head...when things trigger emotions, I need to walk away, take deep breaths, call someone, meditate, etc.
- stop being consumed and obsessed with what she is doing. I cannot control her. I only can control myself.
- Remember that she is not in her right mind

She had recommended that when my W wants to connect that I allow it to happen and have fun. I said that is my #1 problem. I pull back, she tries to engage, we have fun and then I am no longer detached and start to form expectations. And then she crushes me again by doing her secret texting, telling lies, etc.

I know my W needs space. And I need space too. In a way, I wish she would move out and we would separate. It should allow the both of us to grow and determine what we want. Right now I am not sure that I want this M to work. She has treated me so poorly these past few months. The lies, the secrets, the cheating, etc. When we have discussed D, she says she is not moving out. So if we do get to that point, I doubt this will be an easy process.

I need to GAL and detach for myself. Not to win her back. To heal myself and allow me to move on. It is really hard to do that when she is here.

I think I have been looking for positive signs to justify that perhaps she is "coming back". In reality, she will be back when she says she wants to work on the M and provides full transparency. Until that point, it is all a shell game. I am looking for more activities to do that allow me to not be home when she is here. Of course, I need to balance that with being here for my kids, whom I love dearly. Weekends are the toughest b/c all of my friends are married and spend their weekends with their families.

[shodan]

I just met with my physician for my annual physical and broke down explaining what has been happening. Uggh.

But as I gathered myself, I kept realizing how much this A is the obstacle. While our M was clearly far from perfect, we had a lot of the ingredients for a great M. We could talk about anything. We were best friends. The sex was great. Granted, we did not have it enough (about once per week) but my W always had at least two Os. Usually three. So to leave a M with both of those ingredients plus some great kids means she really had some big issues percolating that the A has addressed in some way. It is the A that is now keeping her from thinking straight. But unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do to end her A. She has to end it herself. Logic will NEVER trump emotion.

[wmwb123]

But as I gathered myself, I kept realizing how much this A is the obstacle. While our M was clearly far from perfect, we had a lot of the ingredients for a great M. We could talk about anything. We were best friends. The sex was great. Granted, we did not have it enough (about once per week) but my W always had at least two Os. Usually three. So to leave a M with both of those ingredients plus some great kids means she really had some big issues percolating that the A has addressed in some way. It is the A that is now keeping her from thinking straight. But unfortunately, there is nothing that I can do to end her A. She has to end it herself. Logic will NEVER trump emotion.

I feel the same way. I am convinced that my wife will reconsider once she ends her affair. Unfortunately, she has to do that, as I have no control over it.

[Jefe]

My heart is with you Shodan. I can most certainly feel your pain. The thing with Affairs and EAs is that they are merely distractions from fixing the real problem, because that's hard work. It's so much easier to just bury it somewhere else.