OW (a friend of H's sister) and H have been done with their affair for a long time. Apparently she's married and was not only sleeping with H, but another guy, too, at the same time. It boggles my mind, but I digress - she and this guy have been on and off and she may or may not be leaving her husband for him (I don't know what's true and what's not).
Through a convoluted circle of friends and circumstances, last night the other guy found out that OW had slept with H. It DID NOT come from me; I have no interest or care in OW and her life. It came from a mutual friend who is going through something similar and had good, albeit misguided intentions. The other guy confronted OW, who apparently broke down sobbing and then admitted to the whole thing.
Then the other guy asked to meet up with me and the friend that spilled the beans (in a strange coincidental twist, the two are apparently very good, life-long friends), because he wanted to catch up with her and hear my side of the story. I basically only told him what H had told me, that I had seen email and video proof it had happened, and confirmed the dates that I was told it all occurred. He told me that OW and he were trying to make a legitimate "go" of their relationship and she had filed for a D with her husband last month. He's going to sleep on what he wants to do regarding their R.
We had a beer. We parted ways.
As I was driving home, apparently OW texted H and sold him a sob story that I was picking on her and causing trouble for the fun of it. She pumped his head full of half-truths...and some completely made up bull.
In turn, H blew up at me, reaming me a new one through text messages, and accusing me of all kinds of lies OW put into his head; including that she and her H are trying to work on their marriage and me bringing this up is dangerous to that. He says "this woman I haven't talked to in forever is suddenly blowing up my phone" and he doesn't appreciate it, or the associated drama. He accused me of showing the other guy all the proof -- emails and the video. He accused us of going through his email, which I haven't done since the day I found out about the A and then gave my word I was done snooping and would respect his privacy from there on out. His texts were super long and super frequent, that I couldn't keep up. Plus, I was driving. He refused to call me so we could talk about it voice to voice, so I told him I couldn't respond with a book via text while I was driving and I'd talk to him when I got home. I stopped answering.
When I got home I told him that, first of all, he had the situation totally wrong. I explained what went down in actuality (how it wasn't ME that started anything and I NEVER showed the other guy f*&^ all). I told him if I had wanted to cause poop with OW, I would have done it two months ago when I found out about the A.
I then told him that the story I heard from the other guy was not at all what OW was telling H, and that I didn't care what the truth was either way -- OW and other guy's poop is between them and I couldn't give less of a poop about it.
THEN I told him that he had some pretty big balls to be yelling at me and upset at me for supposedly causing drama; me the woman he cheated on and hurt. I've done nothing wrong and I won't be treated like I have, period. If he didn't want drama in his life, he should have thought of that before he boned another woman, one with a husband and another man besides that.
The conversation ended pretty amicably (by which I mean I could tell he at least believed me that I didn't start any of it and wasn't looking to cause trouble), though I know things will still be strained for a while.
H knows I'm a truthful person and I've never played him false before. I'm SO emotionally exhausted today.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Roller Coaster goes up as fast as it goes down. Talked last night out via text and we're on an even keel, now.
He asked again when my mom was going to be done with the rooms and I told him her predicament. I told him he could call her if he wanted to, but I wasn't comfortable pushing her considering. He took that well, but then said we should part out our things so the process is easier when she's done.
Boo. Fine.
We talked for a few minutes about some items, including how I need to get my old CB radio and computer monitor from him (one's the basement, the other's in his car); they're decidedly mine but he's been using them for a long time, now.
Finally I told him if he wanted to trade a motorcycle battery and oil change for both items, I'd be cool with that. We'll do the oil change together so he can teach me how. He amicably agreed. And, hey, it's an opportunity to spend time with him, too, no? :P
A while after all that, he sent me a text letting me know his job switched him to another office, which he's been waiting on for a while. The location he's in now makes him miserable and he feels like the people that work there talk down to him and treat him like an idiot. This is information I'd expect him to tell me at home, in passing as a "by the way", not purposefully texting me to share good news, so I was kind of surprised. I congratulated him and I told him I hope he's 200% more happy with the new place and it makes his life a little easier.
Working on keeping the PMA up with him, but inside my tummy is clenching and I don't want to move or even talk about it. Yuck.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I asked SD12 if she wanted to have dinner with me. She said her mom said okay and so I picked her up. SD says her mom won't be home tonight so she wanted SD to put the cat in the house.
Uh, what? I quietly text H and ask if he's aware of this. No, he's not. He freaks and texts his ex, SD's mom.
All poop breaks loose. SD never asked if she could go with me and her mom was coming home at 9pm.
Now SD is grounded, and H is even more cranky. No at me, but the drama. I feel guilty; indirectly it's all my involvement. He also hates dealing with his ex and her husband.
I did tell him he did a great job disciplining SD - we rarely saw eye to eye where she was concerned (I was bad cop, he was good cop) but I told him tonight that he's a great dad and she's lucky she had one parent who's concerned and cares.
I also noticed when he came to pick SD up he'd replaced a geocache we hid together with a new box and log (the old ones were in his car and I asked about it). Alone, I hope, not with some chick.
Either way it stung - geocaching was "our thing". Sigh.
So freaking tired.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
Two-sided. Just checking in. You've always been very kind in my threads. Thank you.
Sounds like you need a new "thing"
And I like the move by the SD from a purely human respect angle. Feisty. She's probably going to turn out okay. If adults think they can enforce discipline when they themselves are acting like children, they are often wrong (I am speaking of your H and his X, not you.)
And she misses you. Someone involved with the sitch should recognize that.
Okay, I'm a bad parent on this one. But fresh perspective comes from funny places sometimes.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
H texted me this morning. SD's mom doesn't want her hanging out with me alone. She says I wasn't interested for 8 years so I can't now. Duh, Internet addiction, it wasn't personal.
H says he knows I'm genuine but he tried. I thanked him. I asked why we can't spend time together - him legit taking her but letting me come along now and then.
He says he needs time apart and living together makes it hard on him. I validated, told him I understood that was important to him.
FML. I hate this sitch.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I hope this doesn't come across as adversarial, however you are taking an interest now when that wasn't the case prior. I realize that is a 180 for you, however when the old R is done, some of what you are doing comes across as pursuit. I know you mentioned that you didn't like that detachment was promoted as you wanted to reattract your BF. I get that. However, pursuing won't be seen as attractive. I know you are working on somethings for yourself and that is exactly where your focus should be. You do understand why SD's mother would question your intentions after 8 years, correct (internet addiction aside).
Hope that makes sense. Hang in there! It gets better:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Yes, I get it. I'm just frustrated and upset. I'll let the situation mellow, I guess.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
In an attention starved sitch, do I want to persue? Was just considering this. Lightly? I don't know.
That's why I text him: we were basically ignoring each other for a while; I want him to know that's not me anymore.
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
I was planning on going semi-dark, and not contacting H first. Then I get a text from him while he was at work today.
Back story: his X has picked her new husband over the kids in a manner of ways, including when he put his hand around SD12's neck in an argument and pinning her to a wall. SD12's sister (X's daughter from another relationship) saw it happen. CPS was called, X claimed that it didn't happen and both SD12 and her sister were lying, picking him over them. SD12 was with us for a while, ultimately they had to go to counseling and SD12 was allowed to go home with them. This was about three years ago.
So the transcript of today's texting is as follows:
HIM: "i don't want SD12 hanging out with [Coin], tell her to back the @#$% off or i will". That is from X, she sent it out of the blue today. why is she trying to call me over and over and texting me all of a sudden? She is such a @#$% head.
ME: She's insecure and taking it out on me, rather than being glad her child has positive influences that care about her. Sorry you have to deal with her. I don't know what the issue is. I mean, at least we know I won't choke her.
HIM: Yeah, no s@#$. LOL. Did you try to talk to X about SD12?
ME: Nope, not at all.
HIM: I think it's her husband as usual, giving her s##$#, so it's rolling down hill.
ME: He seems controlling, it's too bad..but I will respect what they want, because I have no choice.
ME: I don't expect her to get realizing I made mistakes and wanting to fix them, and knowing from that that SD12 is an amazing person. X is not a "learn lessons and better one's self" kind of a person.
HIM: The funny part is if she spent more time with SD12, she wouldn't have to cling to other people. I want you in her life, you're good for her.
Don't know what it means on the grand scheme, but....
BF:40 M:33 SD: 12 T: 8, never married, no kids together BD: 8/4, "I'm just done", "...too tired and burnt to try". PA confirmed 8/5 "It happened, but it's been over for almost a year".
2S Coin - really hard not to mind read there. But, like a lot of things we do, it won't have an immediate effect. You showed support and we're able to put a 180 on display. However, while it doesn't seem like you were trying to put SD in the middle, it would be easy for a third party to interpret it that way.
Tread lightly.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
