PS the January deadline is something H and I came up with because otherwise he was planning on filing sooner. I said that if he could just wait until January to decide, then I would grant him a dissolution (which is cheaper) if that's what he wanted, and that if he didn't know at that time, then we could wait until his lease runs out in August.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy: I too have a January date looming in the future. Also, we are going the route of dissolution because divorce is so combative and conflict oriented. The dissolution process is all about working together and agreeing on terms. In my state we get to decide everything from splitting assets to setting support to living arrangements.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Hi Ahoy, Thanks for the clarification on the angry/vindictive vs cheap and selfish situation. I just don't get why he would want to take you off his insurance now. But I completely understand what you are saying about your relationship dynamics. I too "took care" of my H and he took me for granted and now is acting like he is very happy to do his own laundry. Then why the F didn't you do it ONCE while we were together? I don't get it. But I think I also did take for granted that he would always be there, and I became complacent and a bit boring in the relationship because of that. I own my part in that.
Glad to hear that you are doing well healthwise and also that you are GALing to the max. Sounds like you are having fun!
We all have these up and down moments. When you are in the down one just remember that it too will pass. Not easy to do but at least the down is not forever.
I bet I didnt do 5 loads of laundry in my 15 years of M. A few days after my BD I threw a load in and grabbed the finished load and folded it. I lived on my own for 7 years and instantly remembered how it was done. I have kept going. In fact, I do 2/3 of the laundry now. It helps kill time, makes me feel useful, prepares me for when W leaves and provides time when I am not thinking about BD and her leaving.
About 3 weeks into it my wife exploded on me about the laundry. She said that I was almost taking away her identity by doing the laundry. That confused the heck out of me so I backed off. Now, I am still helping but I am careful not to do too much.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Lisa, thanks for chiming in -- your interactions with your H sound very familiar! Nice to know sometimes that we're all in the same crappy boat -- at least we have good company!
bdub -- that's kind of hilarious that your wife thinks of laundry as part of her identity. That speaks volumes. Also that she wouldn't realize that you were trying to help out.
Of course, the first load of laundry my H did was after his secretive trip out of town -- and he just did his own laundry (which is suspicious) and didn't do any of mine or D14's. That's his idea of being a "big boy." Pretty ridiculous.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Ahoy, It really opened my eyes re: our M. Of course this was a day after she told me she really had wanted more kids, wished she would have had breast cancer instead of our friend (for attention), and that several times in the past she had intentionally started fights with me. She was DEEP in the fog and really unsettled emotionally. The Alien in her head was pretty new to her and it was still jostling for room in her brain.
I am sure there was some truth to what she said, but I know we talked for a few years about the kid thing. We would have had a 3rd if it was guaranteed to be a D not a S. We even invested time and money into considering adopting a D.
Maybe TMI, I dont know but 4 years ago I got snipped and she had to sign off on it. We talked about it again at that time and she was 100% ok with just having the 2 boys.
FYI the first loads I did were everyones clothes combined. I even had her teach me how she did it so I could do it her way.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
I started doing much more around the house after an episode 4 years ago. I'm sure the wife appreciated it, but would often chime in. "Oh, you don't have to do that, you've had such a long day." I kept doing it anyway. At least she started to realize that the messmakers were the kids - and we needed to train them properly. I helped on that, too, setting a schedule up for homeschool chores the last two years; she was never really satisfied with it, but it did create accountability.
The D21 was the biggest problem, as she would often sleep until 2 in the afternoon, then up u/t 4AM. Other kids would look at the sitch and go..."Why does she get away with that." Created strain in 2012 and again in 2013 (Boomerang kid. I swear I taught her better.)
I thought Acts of Service was my wife's love language. More like a chat with chums.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
I show love through acts of service, but I think H must have needed more touch and affirmation, for what it's worth.
bdub, my H is snipped too so at least I don't have to worry about him starting a second family (unless he gets a reversal). I DO have to worry about him contracting VD (although that's really his problem, not mine, since we're not intimate these days).
I got my credit card bill and the only charges were his, even though I had asked him to transfer recurring charges to his own card. This has been an ongoing issue. I sent him a copy of the bill and asked how he wanted to handle his charges (we have separate accounts now), and mentioned that, because of a weird charge from last month that we couldn't determine, I was going to cancel that card so he should move over any recurring charges (his gym, website charge, etc.) This way I won't have to keep having the same conversation with him about misplaced charges every month. Then I cancelled the card, so one less thing to worry about. We determined that I would pay for his gym fee out of our joint account, since it wasn't much, and I told him he could reimburse me for the movie charges by bringing me some coffee (he had written to tell me that he was coming by to work in garage studio, which is at my place). BTW, he is paying for my health insurance through the end of this year in exchange for use of the studio. In Jan, I will start charging him rent or have some other means of reimbursement.
So he came over -- I was thankful for the coffee and friendly while he played with the cats (which he misses). D took him upstairs to see her new guitar from my dad (and he got to see how I converted his study into a music room). He cleared out one side of the garage (as requested) so I could park my car in there (he is a pack rat). And he also worked on his own art, I assume.
D and I had been invited to dinner with two of his friends and colleagues (who are also my friends). I didn't want him to feel excluded, so we left early to go to the library and then went to dinner from there so he wouldn't ask. (Not that he ever asks me anything these days.)
So here is my question: Why does he never ask anything about my private life? I thought this process of being mysterious might peak his curiosity in me and my life, but he seems wholly disinterested. Is it because he is so caught up in himself and his own head? Or is he glad to think I'm moving on so he can be free, and truly just doesn't even care what I'm doing?
Also, does he dream about me? (I KNOW no one can answer this -- it's rhetorical.) I dream about him constantly still, much to my chagrin.
Wish I had that memory-erasing stuff from "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind."
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
There could be several reasons he doesnt ask about your private life. 1) because its private. 2) he is more detached than you at this time 3) he "assumes" he knows whats going on 4) he just flat doesnt care 5) He is afraid of what he might find.
W and I are still living together and if I chose to go out (rare) I tell her where I am going, who I am with and what time I will be home. Simple courtesy. She has stated, each and every time, "I dont care". Those 3 words are a real kick in the jewels.
Re: The dreams. I find myself thinking about my W a lot through out the day. However, I have not had a dream about her in a few years. I suppose its because shes still home and "on the front burner" so to speak. For whatever reason my dreams tend to be about my childhood or some other distant past.
Sounds like we have the same issues about the 5 LL. Looking back, I was giving her what I needed instead of what she needed.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
