Friday was the 1st day of our separation. After 24 years my Wife has chosen to move out. Although she didn't actually move out until tomorrow, i'm stayed at my folks house tonight and tomorrow to give her the space to move.
I was surprised when she announced she was moving, a couple of weeks ago, but not entirely. Things haven't been good for a while. We had both shut down due to years of doing a bad job of understanding each other, and failing to learn 'a better way' of discussing contentious issues (kids, money, etc) and the various trust issues. None of which had to with any infidelity, to be clear. I've never strayed, and I am sure as any partner can ever be that she hasn't either.
Do i know for sure? I don't. But it's not a place I will allow myself to go to. As I said, I'm using this time to get myself straight, emotionally. If it transpires that she has taken that path, then I've made it very clear there will be no coming back. I'm not going to lie awake at night wondering what may or may not be happening. I'm going to focus on me and my path.
I have a huge issue with adultery. My step dad did it to my Mother, my Uncle did it to his (now ex) Wife. Even my youngest did it to his fiance. (which contributed to where my Wife and I are now). She knows what the result would be if she went down that route
We've had counselling before and it had helped, but the last time was several years ago, and i think perhaps we should taken it up again sooner.
As far as the separation goes, we have spent time to work out the ground rules. Separate accounts (except where we have joint debts to contribute toward), no affairs, respect of each others space (She'll call if she wants to come by, I asked not to know where she is), kids aren't an issue as they are both over 20 at this point and one moved out years ago.
I think it could be a good thing (or perhaps i'm just telling myself that!), as i feel i also need a chance to step back and re-evaluate myself and what i'm wanting.
I met her when i was travelling the world but still relatively 'young and dumb', so when this gorgeous woman knocked me off my feet i was happy to just go with the flow, and sure enough within a couple of months we were pregnant. I've been with her ever since, over half my life.
So, instead of wallowing in the 'why me?!' i'm taking this separation as a chance, an opportunity, to take a new, unveiled look at where i'm at and where i want to be.
I started counselling on Monday (not wasting any time). Not initially to discuss the marriage, but to help me figure out my head. I'm focusing on this first. Later i will look at the relationship. Hopefully by then she will be ready to do so too (she was totally against it when i suggested it recently, but seemed more receptive a bit later).
It did bother me somewhat when she told me the rental agreement was 12 months, and she didn't know if there was an early termination option. But i may be reading too much into it. It's early days, and this is going to be a long road, i shouldn't be looking for potholes yet.
I've started reading the '180', as well as NMMNG, and will be applying it's principles. Especially when it comes to maintaining distance. As i said initially i told her I wouldn't help her move, i'd be out of the house for the day. I did get boxes from work for her to pack her stuff into, and took the bedroom TV off the wall and put the feet back on it so they (Wife and younger kid) can use it. But that's all i did, apart from that I've stepped back and tried to impose no constrictions.
I did let her know beforehand that on that particular Friday morning (the day before moving day) i would be just getting up and going to work (i'm in a different bedroom), but i wouldn't be saying goodbye. I made it clear that this was not to ignore her, but because we'd both 'lose it' (as we have a few times in the last couple days). We've done a better job of discussing the separation than we have discussing anything else in a few years.
But that's the way it goes sometimes, isn't it? Once you know what's coming, the fight just goes out of you. We've been quite calm with each other, and expressed ourselves in a less abrasive, incendiary way than we've been able to do for a while.
The last thing i did before going to bed Thursday night was to briefly go into the room she was in (i'd been out by the firepit) and give her one (last?) kiss, the first one in a long time and then leave the room. No words, just an uncomplicated expression of how i felt.
Do I 'want' this? No, obviously no. But it's here, it's happening and I choose to make the most of the opportunity. My only concern is financial. It's going to be tough, but we both have family (hers and mine) that support what we are doing. Knowing (hoping) that we can get to a place where we can be happy and go on. To wherever that place happens to be.
Do I want the marriage to be saved? That's, to be honest, not my priority. My priority is for both of us to find happiness. If that turns out not to be as partners, well so be it. As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free...
The Friday night at my folks was tough. Drank a little too much 'liquid numbing agent' (which is rare as I don't drink to excess as a rule).
Then as I was about to turn off the radio, they played Air Supply - I'm all out of love. Yeah, I lost it. I think (now, in the light of day) it was a good thing. It opened the floodgates and allowed me to release a lot of the emotion I've held back over the last few days.
Woke up Saturday morning (at 3:30am :-/) with a renewed resolve, to not be beaten by this. So as soon as it got light, I was out doing my folks yard work, cutting firewood (but not using the chainsaw, that might end badly. Due to distraction, not depression!) and walking the dogs.
Went home Saturday evening. She had tried to ask me to allow a couple more hours, but it wasn't so she could finishing moving out, it was so my youngest boys fiance could "finish up something there". I told her that was not acceptable and go all be gone by the time i got home, in 20 minutes. They were.
Got up Sunday (after the most restful nights sleep i've had in weeks?), had breakfast while making the day's 'to do' list, and got to work, determined to focus on the 'now' and how i can make it better.
Monday, had first individual counseling session. Spend an hour offloading, and i think perhaps overwhelmed the therapist with a long list of things to work through!
After that, went to work but my head was total swiss cheese after the session. A load of stuff got spilled out and was lying all over the floor of my brain.
Which is when of course the 'no contact please' Wife emails to thank me for the moving boxes i got her, and when would be a good time to pick up her bicycle (she rides to/from work)?
Contact less than 36 hours after moving out?!?! My response was as follows:
Quote:
There also seems to be several items you have left behind, in the dressers drawers. I haven’t nosed through it all out of respect for privacy, but did notice things like jamas, jewellery and shoes. If there is anything you need that you have left behind, let me know by the end of today and I will put it next to your bike.
After that I would request you honour our agreement not to contact each other for a while.
Drove up to the house this evening, and of course the Wife was still hanging around after getting her bike and a few other bits and trying to drag it all down the street. I drove past her, parked in my spot and just sat in the car, waiting. (anyway there was some good jazz playing on the radio! )
Eventually she got the idea i wasn't going to get out and go back to say hi, or offer to help her move all the crap she was hauling by hand. Which is what i would have done in times gone by.
Wow DayOne, that is very interesting. Can you give us some more details about ages and such? It sounds like you have the right idea, GAL and focus on you and finding yourself again. When I went to the IC 15 minutes in we determined I had given up A LOT of who I was and it was really the main focus of seeing the IC in the first place. I have my last employer paid visit tomorrow, I really want to keep doing it as I actually enjoy it, but finances are tough right now.
Post more details so the vets can help you out, sorry to find you here
Me 34 W 30 T 13 M 8 BD 7/27/14 EA Confirmed 8/6/14 S 8/2/14 D Imminent
I quote the immortal words of Socrates who said "...I drank what?"
"As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free... "
That's a BS belief. If your marital and individual issues haven't been fixed, then it doesn't matter how many people you go out with. You'll still have the same problem.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
"As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free... "
That's a BS belief. If your marital and individual issues haven't been fixed, then it doesn't matter how many people you go out with. You'll still have the same problem.
I literally found comfort in that phrase when I was 16 and read it in the bathroom stall in my high school, right after my "love of my life" and I broke up.
When I read it now, I still cringe. I think it helps to calm down the pursuing desperate LBS (or sad 16 y/o).
It belongs on a bathroom wall...no offense, really.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your ages, your financial issues if any, intimacy issues, if any,
health issues, if any. Professions, interests, educational issues if any. Describe your wife to us.
Tell us what YOU think YOUR WIFE would say were HER COMPLAINTS were about you...if she were here.
And what do YOU say are your complaints about her?
What does conflict resolution look like in your marriage?
What does forgiveness look like to you?
And how was it shown in your childhood?
How are the relationships between you and your children, and her?
And have you read the book(s) that form the basis of this site?
This site is NOT like other pro marriage sites. It's solution based, so even though things like your childhood and other historical issues may be relevant, we focus more on the present and what works NOW, than we do on how you got here. But the "how you got here" certainly does matter. It's just that we want to get to do what helps the marriage, and NOT do what hurts. Sounds simple but a LOT of marriage counselors focus only on how one feels now, or how one sees their marital history. Depending on whom and when you ask, those version of history can vary widely.
I'm curious about your approach, b/c when your w MIGHT have sent out an olive branch, with the note of thanks, you snipped it right off.
That was strange, considering you claim not to be angry. It sure looked hostile. Why did you say that you don't want her to contact you "for awhile"? How long is that?
How can she contact you again, short of begging, with her tail between her legs?
Also, if either of you decides to date, try NOT to decide NOW what you would do...
besides, dating does not always = sex.
When my h and I sep, we both dated.
Speaking for me, I dated a few very nice men, including 2 who were very attractive. We did not sleep together, and even though I enjoyed their company, for the most part I Became more convinced that my h and i were actually well suited for each other. He takes care of his health, some men our age don't. He is educated and smart and gets my jokes, not every man does or is. Things like that were noticed more by me...
I missed him more when I was on some dates, not less. So that can happen.
Give us some details about your background and what you think lead to this, and we'll be able to asset more. Oh and PLEASE Do not skimp on reading the books.
Read at least one of them or you won't get nearly the benefit of this site that you could get. (Plus, to me it looks lazy not to read the dang book but to want advice from people who are using the book as a frame of reference and overall guide and the terminology we use comes from the books....so you'll get a LOT more out of what we say if you know why and what we were are talking about.)
The Div Remedy is the newer edition, and it does not go into as much detail about why divorce is bad, as the first one. If you are not sure how you feel about divorce in general, then read the first one (Div Busting) B/c it surprised me to learn how unfavorable divorce is down the road.
Div Remedy is similar, but spends more time on the actual techniques to use to get through this time.
You can get through this and your marriage CAN improve. But it won't just happen, in my opinion. SO "waiting and seeing" with the separation won't do it for you.
You will need to do some brave digging.
But they say the real journey in life is an inward one. I believe that.
So dig deep and be brave.
I look forward to reading your posts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
So I don't get it. You kicked her out, taking the hard - all or nothing approach, etc. Do you really want to save your M? It doesn't sound like it.
I think perhaps you should a) reread the first section. She left, her choice. We discussed and BOTH agreed we need time apart to get our individual selves straight, THEN see if there is still something worth saving and a future. If anything we had more productive conversations over our separation and terms on how to conduct it than we have over anything else recently. I did say that above, but it seems you missed that too.
b) Not be so instantly judgmental based on the information you've read (or as it appears above, NOT read). If you feel there is something you 'don't get', then ask first instead of ass-u-me. I will be willing to discuss, but not have to defend, our situation. If you're unable to respect that, please refrain from contributing any further.
"As trite as it sounds; if you love something set it free... "
That's a BS belief. If your marital and individual issues haven't been fixed, then it doesn't matter how many people you go out with. You'll still have the same problem.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
I literally found comfort in that phrase when I was 16 and read it in the bathroom stall in my high school, right after my "love of my life" and I broke up.
When I read it now, I still cringe. I think it helps to calm down the pursuing desperate LBS (or sad 16 y/o).
It belongs on a bathroom wall...no offense, really.
Wow. Just wow. Obviously you two seem to completely miss what i'm trying to say. And yes, i find it offensive, really. At least i know now which forum members get a kick out of stomping on the outpouring of feeling and emotion by someone in pain.
As it seems to cause so much offense, i'll rephrase it in a different way. If you respect someone enough to acknowledge when they need time and space to heal, let them go.
