Newcomer living in Hell

[bravo61]

Hello all. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
My sitch-I have been struggling w/anger all of my life & it's costing me my family. I was left behind in Mexico by my family when I was 5 for several hours-you think I have abandonment issues? Compound that w/being sexually abused @8his by a circumvented and left to fend for myself for hours at a time from the age of 6. I was the middle child and the last one at practice to be picked up or had to walk home. So obviously I was angry at God for all this and blamed myself and felt unlockable. Fast forward years & I meet the girl of my dreams. She loved and her only goal was my happiness. That wasn't her responsibility but I let her take it on. Over the years I broke her spirit w/my critical nature and anger. I didn't plan it but I did it even though she never told me how bad I was hurting her. We have been together 15+ years married for 11. To hear her tell it it was all bad because she doesn't want to remember the good times and there were a lot! So last August she took a job in OR and her & the kids(s8 d4) moved out here w/out me. I stayed behind to sell the house and needed a job before we moved cause we couldn't 2 homes on 1 income. I would visit every 1 1/2 months. At home I was so depressed cause l missed them & felt like I asserting them down. Fast forward to May 2014. I get a job offer and start to feel hope. Begin to listen to God tell me that I need to be a better person and husband. Make the Decision to change and a miracle happens-God takes away the anger that controlled my life. I don't tell W as I want to show her not tell her. So after driving cross country in 2 days, the first day I'm here she says I can't do this anymore. Meaning us! Thing is I understand and I'm not mad at her-but to not even get a chance? I moved out Aug 1st and we've done some things as a family and even went out 1x just me & her (great time by the way). But she says she doesn't trust me and doesn't care about my changes. She's not having an affair-but I'm now the husband she always dreamed of. She's paid the retainer for a divorce atty and wants someday to have a normal relationship w/someone who will love her. And then the next minute she cryingbecause she's hurting me so bad. And saying the classic WAS quotes it's time to make decisions for me. I'm gonna do something for me. And then asking what time the concert we r going to soon is. And planning a family road trip in October. The only reason she has freedom now is that I'm showing her unconditional love and taking the kids so she can have alone time or go out w/her unmarried childless friends. What am I to do? I've lost 35 lbs since June,I'm in counseling,reading the Word, and going to church. All that & I just turned 40. I'm truly broken

[bravo61]

I know that she still loves me, she's slipped and said it several times, just not enough to move forward with me. She's also said that she's still very attracted to me. And I guess a positive is that initially she said even if years down the road my changes were still there and I asked her out she would say no. But we have been out together just us since then. Our d behavior has really gone downhill since S w/her kicking, scratching, biting, & saying she hates W. She doesn't do that to me. At the same time, she has separation anxiety from my wife. Guess since I left she's afraid everyone else will too. W is oblivious or won't see this behavior for what it is. W has been planning this since February and is desperately clinging to her plan. Although she is thrown off by how I have reacted to it-nothing like the old me would have. Is it possible to gain trust back when they just don't want to? Help!!! I'm in a new state w/absolutely no support system. W did mention that I seem further ahead than her.

[Nettles]

Bravo,

Sorry you are here. Have you read DR and/or DB? If not, get them and read them.

Have you seen a family L? It sounds scary, but you need to find one and talk to them.

"Is it possible to gain trust back when they just don't want to?"

Yes, but that doesn't mean you will in your case. You can control you. Make you the best person you can be. Ditch the anger. Be happy by owning your own happiness.

W seems to be noticing your changes. Will this get the M back? No idea. But the books will tell you, if you are getting positive results, keep doing it. Stick with your thought of showing her, not telling her, about these changes. And these changes are for you. You'll have them regardless of the outcome.

[bravo61]

Thanks for the reply. Yes I've read DB. I've gotten rid of the anger. Actually did before I knew any of this. I don't mention any changes to her. But if she were really done, why does she watch me like a hawk. Every time she starts talking bout how she tried so hard, I ask if we can not talk bout the R as we'll end up blaming each other & being resentful. Told her, hey let's just have fun. She said you know that makes sense. Then I told her for what it's worth, I forgave her for the ways she hu rt me in our marriage. She looked away & quietly said thank you. BtW she threw her wedding ring in the fountain at the Bellagio. Despite the fact she says she's forgiven me. Counterintuitive as it seems I've found that I'm happiest when giving selflessly to her & the kids! Can u guess my 'LL? Hers is words of affirmation. I do that a lot but she has closed herself off to that. Oh well gonna continue. Unconditional love hurts but they are worth it.

[Roberta]

I am sorry that you find yourself in our community, but you will get great support here. My advice to you is to speak to a divorce busting coach. You need someone who can help you focus on your marriage goals. Call me to discuss our program.
303-444-7004.

[bravo61]

Well had kids last night. D was absolutely no problem for me to get up & ready. W reacted about working out and if had been to apply for my passport(one of my 180s is I want to travel & explore-she just got hers). She was gonna pick D up and planned to meet @gym to pick her up. She got times confused & I told her don't worry bout it. Take your time to workout and enjoy. She said that was kind and was very apologetic. I told her no problem at all, we all mix things up from time to time. I know that floored her. She called my phone a couple of times while I was working out. Took my D to lunch and while coming back the w asked if we wanted to meet for lunch. Told her we'd eaten but would meet her someplace. She had mentioned that she was interested in getting passports for the kids as well. I had already filled them out and had them ready for her, she was so surprised and even commented on how considerate it was. She asked if she & D could come w/ me to application place. She even mentioned how passports for the kids were a good idea if we wanted to take the kids on a trip. Had a good time but no ending hug. I had been getting hugs when she left every time until a couple of days ago, but I didn't mention the lack of it. She mentioned couple of days ago(same night she stopped the hugs) how much stress she was under-her grandad is in hospital,and me of course-& that the arty needs paperwork from me. I told her that's fine she can have it anytime. She hasn't mentioned it since then. She confirmed the Times for the babysitter for our concert Tuesday night-the concert we're going to. Interestingly enough, she was gonna suggest eating lunch at the place my D & I had just finished eating at. It's not a regular restaurant we eat at, we've only been there once. And my W sent me in her apt for something and said I'd love the air fresheners she bought that morning. It was the same one I bought that morning while at the store w/D. Weird!

[bravo61]

I would absolutely love to get feedback from WAS poised. And to answer an unspoken question, no the changes are for me. But they certainly don't have to be an either/or. That's part of my frustration w/W. She sees only 2 options: miserable marriage or freedom. I thought only the Sith deal in absolutes(yes a StAr Wars reference). Do WAS ever begin to remember good times on their own?

My 180s;
Affirming words
You ought to or should erased from my vocab
Replaced by what do u think or would you consider or what can I do to help
Active in kids lives-soccer practice,pick up from school, help with homework
No words spoken in anger to W or kids
Open to new experiences-food,biking,trying new beers/wine,expressing interest in travel
Rebuilding my relationship w/God and others I felt abandoned by
Being more positive smiling more

[bravo61]

help anyone, anyone.
Bueller, Bueller?

[bravo61]

so tonight was interesting. me and the W went to a concert together (actually we met there). she looked great!! well we had an ok time and drank a little bit. she ended up getting pretty drunk (it hits her all of a sudden and she hides it well). she ends up sobbing about all the things that i did wrong while in my arms. i validated all her feelings (cause she's right) and held her. she was drunk enough that we left the venue. even though i shouldn't have, i told her i loved her. that was a 180 for me because i never let her know that and that was her issue with me-she never felt loved enough. with the lack of love and my cruel words (unknowing) it broke her spirit. she actually took responsibility for her part by saying she kept her fears and pain from me and it was wrong. during the whole exchange, i never begged, pled, or cried. i just stroked her face and let her know that i was there for her. she kept crying that it was unfair, where was this person when she needed him. i let her know that i was broken too and i have found my way out of the darkness. she admitted that she drug her father, grandfather, and grandmother issues into our marriage and that wasn't right to me either. she did say that she was nervous about going with me tonight and being around me. which is weird because i had let her know that i was going and she was welcome to come if she wanted to. she said that she couldn't commit to it. i said that's fine i'm going anyway. the next day she brought up the subject and said if i was still going she would love to go. anyways, she was drunk so i held her hair by her car while she puked, and gave her the shirt off my back to wipe her face with-no kidding. but i was glad to do it because i had no expectations for anything. i could've kissed her several times, yes she gave me the look, but i reminded her that i would not do that until she asks me too and i will not take advantage of her and i will respect her boundaries. i drove her to my apt and carried her inside and held her hair again while she puked. she began to shiver and i asked if she would like me to hold her and she said yes as long as you don't have any expectations. it was nice to be tender with her. she did say that she is having a hard time with her plans to divorce me but she is still moving forward. i didn't cry or beg for another chance, just let her know i understood. it was so important for her to know that she thinks i'm amazing now while she belittled herself. man did i and others hurt her. she actually said that she was glad that she let go of a bunch of the stuff she relayed to me tonight as she's been carrying it around inside her. i let her know that i would like to see her again but it would be up to her as i'm gonna respect her need for space. looks like i'm gonna work on going modified dark (with two kids). she did mention that she's tired of kids asking her why she wants to divorce daddy. i let her know that it was wearing on me too. my D(4) is always asking me to tell her the story of how i met momma. so i drove her to her apt and relieved the sitter. after sitter left, i carried W inside and tucked her into bed. i affirmed her inside and out beauty and kissed her forhead and left. let the swinging 2x4's begin. it's like its a race, is she gonna rethink her decision or will D cross the line first. i'm pretty sure D will win as she's scheduled the required parenting classes.i did find it interesting that when i left she said, "i'm so sorry i can't give you what you need right now". thoughts, opinions?

[bravo61]

so this morning she took me to get my car. we had a discussion in the car on the way there. she let me know she remembered our talk from last night. she cried and apologized for her part in the problems of our marriage but it was over. the papers are going to be delivered this Friday. she held my hand and told me she loved me but had to start over. she admitted that i am a different person now and she is proud of me. i didn't invest in the conversation just listened for her hidden needs.i realized that i have done all i can and she has to get better on her own. i'm not giving up, mind you, just need to focus on me and detach. man it sux though. my C believes that everything she is doing right now is a test and i should step back and let her own this decision. W thinks that as soon as D is complete, all her problems will melt away. but when the S*** hits the fan, and her single, childless friends let her down, that is when reality will set in. it's just really hard to do the DB plan all the way because i have no support system and i work nights. HELP!