Shining, uR is right on. Those were the exact thoughts I had about my xh when he said he wanted to file. I think he felt exactly the way uR described, and it seems like your h is similar to that. I think that if things hadn't gotten so screwed up with xh's sitch, things would have been much different. Remember, when things became finalized, xh told me it wasn't a relief as he was crying (at work!).
I am only sharing that so you can remember that it does not mean that dbing has to end for you. You can still have hope. But, you just need to take care of you. That is the MOST IMPORTANT thing right now. It hurts, but you have to think about you, not him.
I know it's not about me, but my heart isn't getting it.
Everyday I wake up and it's another day I'm rejected. By the one person I love so much and want to be with.
And it's such a waste of everything. Although, it probably isn't, because I know I have to learn from this, and so does he. But it feels pointless to be apart.
My head knows how this works. But my heart hurts. I'm all over, I know.
I just remembered H said he went to the doctor today. He hasn't been since July.
Maybe something happened there idk. This just came out of nowhere today, in the middle of just normal back and forth texting.
It doesn't matter. None of this matters. It's all so stupid. I just have to get him out of my head. But every fiber of my being wants to run into his arms like an idiot.
Thank you, Mighty. I know you and uR are right. And it's super stupid because I knew this was likely going to come up. It was a matter of time. I'm completely melting down because I saw the word on a text?? How ridiculous. I need to be prepared to be served, I suppose. This was nothing. I don't know why I'm so upset. I guess part of me thought maybe he wouldn't do it. My denial kicking in. The timing of it seemed to be knee-jerk on his end. He rarely texts back immediately after I send to him. And that "say hi" comment was instantaneous. I think he was lashing out, but I think he will follow through and do it. I need to get stronger.
Man, this is taking me back... to a place I don't like. I got it through text too. Same here- caught off guard.
We never know what they are thinking, Shining. I know I still try to figure it out, but it makes more sense to figure ourselves out.
You never know what will happen with him. I'm sorry your kids are seeing you cry. Don't beat yourself up. You have to process this and it is very emotional.
It is stupid. You are not an idiot for wanting to run into his arms. That is totally normal. Those are the arm you thought would protect you. And you are feeling so down now, you'd think he'd be the one to catch you. It is difficult to adjust to not having those "arms" there anymore. But you will get there. Let it out. Feel it. Let yourself go through this.
You will get stronger.
Did I already say he was a fool? Umm... well it is worth it again.
Shining I'm so sorry- I remember that punch to the gut feeling. I too felt it again reading those words.
It may not help but just because they say it- doesn't mean it will happen. My H filed Oct 10 last year. Three times now he has gone back and forth and said he really needs to finalize the D in order to move on or start over with me. He hasn't done it yet. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. The times that he seems to bring it up again are usually after a particularly difficult IC session he has, or when I stop DBing as effectively and get emotional. I've come to understand that it's all about his own pain and need to escape. And he has a fantasy that we can still be friends and hang out and maybe even more even if we D. They are all still in alienville for sure!
Sorry for hijacking with my details but I thought they might help.
Big big big hugs!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining, you are so hard on yourself. You are sad. It is a sad thing. It's ok to feel that way. I know that there is always hope that it isnt going to happen.
So, it's ok for your kids to see you cry. You dont want them to think it isnt ok to be upset over all of this. What would that say to them? You just dont want it to be all the time, then they get concerned.
I really dont think I would text him. What would you say,really?
Let it sit. Tomorrow could be very different. He is struggling. You can feel it, right?
I know it is hard to have your heart and head reconciled. One affects the other and its hard to untangle that.
He isnt rejecting you. He is hating himself. He cannot feel better. It is really sad.
Take care of you tonight. Cry, journal, have a glass of wine. Do whatever will comfort you. When you are ready...regroup.
Get back on your path. He needs to let this play out. You need to let him.
Shining, I know this is so hard. I am sorry it is. But I believe with all my heart that this was a journey you were meant to go on.
daring, no apology needed. It's not a highjack to me, and feel free to post anything. You, Mighty, everyone....you all are definitely helping by sharing your experiences and opinions. I welcome all of it. Even if I don't like what some may have to say, I appreciate the honest perspective. I have found that sometimes, it's the posts that rattle me a bit that get me looking deeper. I believe it gets me to think differently, and help me come out of this whole. Highjack away .
uR, I caught myself after my mind-dump....I was being hard on myself. I am starting to notice it more now. I'm hoping I'll be able to change that, little by little. I see what it does to me inside...it's not the direction I want my thoughts to go, for sure.
My kids used to see me cry when we went through the custody stuff, and dealing with xh before it all was final. I was so scared. Then I didn't cry much for years.
Crying isn't shameful in our house. But I don't want them to worry about me. And they do. I keep reassuring them that this is part of the process of grieving. I believe they understand. They don't like seeing me sad, though. And I think it makes my S18 more mad at H when he sees me hurting.
I didn't text H. (Thank you, pukedog). I can ABSOLUTELY feel him struggling. I can almost picture it. I hate that he has to go through this, because it isn't going to fix things inside of him.
I don't believe he would end our M if he could figure this out. But that's logic, and he can't see it now. I really do get that. I ache for him. The effects of his words and actions still hurt me. Not as long, and not as deep as before. I have to feel all of this, I know. All of this is a "have to". I just don't have to like it, right?
I wish I had wine tonight, lol!! I could use some. I think I've regrouped.
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