Need help. Scared, confused, and hurting.

[Jefe]

TwinMom, It's definitely not all about her as I mentioned before. I own 90% of this problem. Happy, content, loved wives with little children don't often go looking for trouble like this. So that means I helped drive it. I've got plenty I need to work on and I am working on it.

For example, I am a 4.5 year recovered alcoholic who never worked the 12 steps. I have a sponsor now and we are going through it.
I'm reading books (Half Price Books loves me about now) and staying in the Word.

I have been given way more than my fair share of grace by God, I can easily extend it to my wife as well.

TM, Thank you for sharing your struggles, I need as much advice as I can get.

[FunDad]

So glad to help man. I'm really not that far ahead of you and I'm honored to be able to offer a few words of encouragement to you. That hurt you feel is the result of something being wrong. It's a natural reaction to your feelings. Feelings tell you something is wrong. Tears are good. Remind God with every one that he promises to wipe them away. When you hurt, he hurts as a parent does for a child. You just have to go through it with him. You will have ups and downs. More downs than ups for a while. But - It's going to make you stronger and you will see things differently.

There are only two reasons we change:
1. It's to painful not to.
2. We gain awareness that motivates us to change.

Welcome to 1 & 2. You are there. This battle is now in your lap, but God is for you, And who can be against you? I know you may be down, but you are going to rise up and kick this thing in the ass (hope I triggered the a$$ filter)!

My best friend is from TX btw, and he's been keeping me grounded in sword and shield verses. Pull em out, stand on them. It's God's word, and that has power. But - you must also understand, God will not override the free will on anyone. It makes the power of choice the most awesome power in the universe. The choice to eat that apple, the choice to leave our husband, and sadly, even the choice to reject Christ.

Something that helps me deal with this is to separate the thoughts and emotions in my brain into two separate rooms. One side is full of fear, doubt, unbelief, and worry. The other side is me simply giving that over to God:

LEFT SIDE RIGHT SIDE

FEAR, DOUBT | <-- Just say God, this is
WORRY, ANXIETY | your problem, I cast it on
REJECTION, SADNESS | you.
--------------------------------------------------
Results: Low energy, | Peace that passes all
Unattractiveness | understanding.
No control | Joy -> Strength
Poor choices | Attractiveness
Missed Opportunity | Confidence
No forward motion | Success

So, the solution, is to cast your care on the Lord and all of sudden you are propelled to the lower right quadrant and set free of the junk on the left (that the enemy wants you stuck in). I know it's hard to do, but you have to start practicing and training your mind to do this because spinning your wheels over on the left is not going to help; however, a man operating over on the right is a husband that a wife would be an absolute fool for leaving. ;-)

Hope this helps you.

FD

[FunDad]

Here's the chart in a little bit better formatting:

..................LEFT SIDE.................... RIGHT SIDE
---------------------------------------------------------
MENTAL.....|FEAR, DOUBT..............| <- Say God, this is
ACTIVITY:..|WORRY, ANXIETY.........|..your problem, I cast
................|REJECTION,.SADNESS..|..it to you.
----------------------------------------|-------------------
RESULTS::|Low energy,.................|Peace that passes all
...............|Unattractiveness..........|understanding.
...............|No control...................|Joy -> Strength
...............|Poor choices................|Attractiveness
...............|Missed Opportunity.......|Confidence
...............|No forward motion........|Success!
(Sorry about the formatting of the chart btw)



FD

[Jefe]

Thanks FD!

Helping me keep my mind off the meltdown my 7 year old had tonight over why mommy won't just come home and me stewing over just where in the hell, exactly is my wife tonight.

[FunDad]

You know, all of our kids are in family counseling. That is one thing my wife is doing right thankfully. You may want to consider that for your girls. They are going to need help processing this as well, or they are going to be stuck at this place with the pain for a long time (This is the crap that hits you later in life if not dealt with). Your insurance will probably cover it. It could be good for you also to meet with the counselor to get some parenting help.

My family counselor's advice: Just tell the kids the what. They don't need to know the why. This is good because what you want to tell them is something like: "No we can't go to the movies because mommy moved out and is bleeding daddy dry". But that's not good for their hearts (or yours), and they don't need any help being mad at one or both of you.

Go Google Jimmy Evens message on forgiveness. It will help set you free, today. I guarantee it. Get ready for some more tears and for some of the burden to be lifted. :-)

FD

[FunDad]

My neighbor is a functioning alcoholic btw. I get a free beer almost every single night. We have great discussions before bed and he has been an amazing friend to me through this. I've told him about our identity in Christ, which is the pure version of ourselves without all the baggage life has added to us. He often wonders why is own wife has not left him yet, and told him:
1) He's meeting her love language needs (gifts & Acts of service).
2) She see's him in God's eyes (for now). He's not got me passed two beers yet but the offer stands if I need to get drunk. So far, even with all the pain, I've not been tempted to do that.
This is a silver lining. This guy could get salvation through this experience. He actually gave up alcohol for one day just to see if he could, and he did. So, we are rubbing off on each other, but I still don't like beer (yet).

Wow, I had a quiet peaceful evening last night, went to bed early, and I have the day to myself. I'm not feeling depressed, but thankful for some quiet. I need to work on my big van and do some housework cause I get my kids tomorrow (they are a zoo!). May go to a football game also. :-)

Hang in there!

FD

[Jefe]

Thanks FunDad. Ive been looking at a bunch of the Jimmy Evans stuff this morning.

Today is my oldest daughters birthday.
I am having a dark day today. I'll get through it, it just $ucks that we have to be separated for times like this. Wife came and got the girls a little bit ago to take them to another friends BDay party and we are having a small get together this evening for my daughter with my family (Kids already had a combined party weeks ago) which is going to be tense. My wife has already asked my mom to take the kids tonight to spend the night. When I asked my wife why, she said "so we both could get a break." She's seen them 4 times for a total of about 5 hours in the last 2 weeks. Didn't know she needed a break.

I've been asking God to remove my anger towards her and this situation because it's not helping or providing anything productive to the dilemma.

I sure hope you guys are right about all this stuff because the distancing is killing me.

[FunDad]

I know how you feel Jefe. I hope it's the right way also. I can tell you this however, I've been tender, romantic, thoughtful, and kind (yes I have issues also), but all those things did not keep her here and I was an emotional wreck! The distance is hard but it's good also because I can now function better than I have in weeks, and I hate to say it, if it does not work out between us, I'm on the path to restoration. I'd rather be restored with her that without, but either way, God must restore me and it's the same path for now with a fork in the road somewhere down the way.

Think of the distance this way: She has a chaos engine that is fed by you reminding her she is married to you (telling her I love you etc..). Every time you pour into her or the R it revs that thing back up and you get hurt --> And in turn feeds your chaos engine. So, if you stop feeding hers, guess what? Yours stops too. Interesting tid bit I cant remember where I picked it up.

I suggest some balloons for the party. Kids love those. :-)

FD

[Jefe]

Ok, she's here and my parents just pulled up. Prayers made. Hoping for the best.

[Jefe]

Well, everybody left about an hour ago. I'm going to go find something to do because the extreme loneliness just set in.

I followed the rules pretty damn good, I think. Hurt like hell. But I did it.