Blindsided but finding my way (part 4)

[wmwb123]

I was a pretty good wife, I think I'd be a great one next time around.

I don't know you personally, but I think you would, too. Your husband is crazy.

[1foot2]

I am starting to wonder the same thing. How pathetic is this guy to want someone that lies, cheats, deceives and manipulates the way my W has.

Yep. To the extent that I think about OM, I wonder about what he knows, and what he thinks about my W spending most of the day lounging around his place (I assume...I have no idea where she is really, but this would be the likely thing) while her family spends the weekend without her. Its just baffling. I have to believe that he's a good man, otherwise W wouldnt want to be with him, so he must be oblivious.

[SunnyB]

I have to believe that he's a good man, otherwise W wouldnt want to be with him, .

No. Good men don't participate in ripping families apart.

[SunnyB]

I was a pretty good wife, I think I'd be a great one next time around.

I don't know you personally, but I think you would, too. Your husband is crazy.

Thanks :-)

[Ahoy]

I agree! It's so much easier not living with the WAS, where you're in the position of trying to mind read constantly and tiptoe around each other and fake happy in front of the kids. I'm so glad that I don't live with H any more. The issue now is that I don't know how I feel about living with him again, should that come to pass (not counting on it). He is a slob. Even though I'm doing all the work on the house solo these days, it's a lot less work (and a lot cleaner) than when he was here. I have peace in the house. There's not a cranky workaholic hanging out in his study until the wee hours. I definitely have more peace. Maybe that's worth not having a partner.
I know this is terrible and not what DB is about, but I admit I like not having H around. So why am I still clinging to the possibility of restoring that relationship? I really don't know...

[Maybell]

We all cycle through these phases. There's a lot of relief in having a break from the tension you've been living with and your perception now is that that's what it would always be like. And there's not enough good in the relationship yet to outweigh the bad.

I'm not in to piecing or even anywhere near it, but my interactions with my H now ARE so much calmer and have so much more mutual goodwill that, while I'm not yet ready to think about living together (or even kissing!) the idea of living with him again doesn't give me hives.

[SunnyB]

Just a bit of journaling here: H came home at a semi-reasonable hour last night, had dinner at home, although the girls and I had already eaten. Pleasant enough evening. This morning was drama-free as well.

I took D16 to her endocrinologist this morning, and filled H in on the visit afterwards, something I wouldn't normally do. He's not really involved in her health management, but I'm trying to draw him in more on school and health things lately. If he's going to have the girls at his new place without me, then he needs to be up on these things. We are looking at getting a rather expensive piece of medical equipment for D16 so we discussed that, too.

Involving him more in kid things, expressing my gratitude for the things he does, sharing my emotions more, these are all different for me, and I'm pleased with my efforts to be more open with H. I've been very closed off in the past, and quite frankly, so has he, although he only sees my shortcoming. That's OK for now, I can only open myself up, I can't make him open up, although it took me a lot of frustration to get to that revelation. All these years, I thought I didn't share because he didn't want to hear it, because he didn't share with me. I swear, someone should have sat me down and explained life to me when I was 25. I wouldn't be in this mess now, I suspect.

[SunnyB]

Yikes! I was looking online at suggested scripts for telling the kids about S. Or course, most of it was how bad D is for children. There was one website in the form of a letter to the WAS saying basically, if a gunman came into a restaurant you'd take a bullet for your kid. Why can't you gut it up and work on your M? I considered printing that and sending it for about a quarter of a second. ;-) I just do not understand: if all that information is available to me, why does H not seem to know? Sigh......unproductive, I know.

[raliced]

I know. I know. I haven't seen that particular article, but my H has always been very security conscious about the girls and I have frequently wondered the last few weeks if he realizes he is the greatest threat to their well being right now. I know DR and other books specifically state not to send WAS articles, right now I just have to hope that eventually he might do some research on his own. It's clear to me that despite asking for D he has not looked into how the process in our state works at all.

[1foot2]

I've thought a lot about that too. WAW seems to take divorce so lightly and thinks the kids will actually be better off with two households. To me, its a completely avoidable tragedy. How its possible to have such a drastically different take on something with someone I'm otherwise so compatible with is just crazy.