3 months after BD, the roller coaster ride hurts

[devotee]

We have a marriage/counseling contract we're working on. It will include a weekly date night and also a weekly check in meeting. Plus we'll be doing the weekly MC. It sounds good so far, I just hope H will stick with it.

[South74]

All I can say is good luck and stick in there .

[devotee]

Well that was the longest "calm happy" phase. The monster awoke today. Morning started fine then he paused a tv show and asked if he mined if we talked. I said fine as long as he didn't berate me. He said he never does that... (?!?!?!?)
Well same old same old blame game. Delusions and made up stories from his side... Him saying I pushed him away, I destroyed the marriage, I stood on his neck and watched him go crazy. The completely untrue story of him saying I slept on the couch for three years, him saying I used him for money, him saying I laughed at him, that I controlled him and didn't let him have friends. He went off again saying I pushed his whole support system away from him. He says he can never be friends with these people again... Yet he doesn't even try. He said I control him and am psycho. I asked him who I wouldn't let him be friends with and he said the EA chick... Um?!?!?Duh!!! Of course he can't be friends with her again!! How could he possibly think any wife would be ok with that?!?! How does that make me controlling??? That's common sense!!

He brought up he still didn't know where we were going. He asked if I considered us still married and I said of course I did. Till death do us part, I still wear my ring every day. He said he didn't consider us married and won't wear his ring. Again he brought up he loved me but won't ever let me back in his heart. I swear this feels pointless. I feel used and stupid thinking he will ever come back to this marriage. He is so good at convincing me he will is his good phases. Once again, I MUST detach. This pain is overwhelming.

He then brought up again that I havent been packing to move out. I said neither has he. Then I stood up and said I'd start packing. He was quiet for a while then started going off again on me. I said I was going into the other room to start packing and he said to pack a backpack since I should leave since I have places to go whereas he does not. I said no.
He turned off the tv and got all pissy. I said I was going to go for a bike ride to clear my head. He stormed out, not sure where he went.

We have MC tomorrow. I'm going to go either way. Not sure he will.

[Shakspr]

Your situation seems extremely tense, so I will reiterate what you will see here over and over again.

Take care of yourself. PMA and GAL. You can only work to make a better YOU. You have no control over what MLC/WAH does.

Read DR. Have you read DR? If you are in the States, go to Barnes and Noble, it'll either be on the shelf or they can get it. Go to Amazon http://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Remedy-Pro...=divorce+remedy Isn't your marriage worth $15 + express shipping?

If you want advice from vets, they won't give it to you until you put in the work (read DB or DR), even though your sitch is pretty dire from your description.

You need some goals and microgoals. Even with the book, and DB counseling, I am still struggling to do the basics right. And I've been trying for a month now.

[devotee]

I will order the book. I need a good read right now.

I'm in a bad place right now I'm actually thinking I need to focus on myself worth and is it right for me to be in a relationship where I am in love with someone and they're not in love with me. Each day goes by and it's a bit of life that we can ever get back and I don't know if it's worth it for me to be wasting this time. I know I should be focusing on myself and making myself better and not consider it a waste of time but I feel that being in a relationship with him and focusing on him is definitely taking one step forward and four steps back. At this point when he goes in his monster mode I feel like everything we've accomplished meant nothing because he just goes back into the same delusions and like he hasn't listened to anything that I have said. He hates my friends and he hates my job and those are two things I can't give up and if our relationship is to work he's going to keep bringing that up and saying it's pointless he can't work around them. Is that a relationship worth having? Will he ever except who I am?
I would love to have some insight from some of the other left behind spouses here who don't have kids but have been in a relationship or married for a long time and are standing but also on the verge of letting go. How do you get through this phase? I guess I mean let go or just give up?
I do feel I've detached some. I don't base my life around him anymore, I go out with my friends as much as I can although I do get guilt trips from him. I was doing really well on working on my codependency before we started connecting again and then I felt myself go back into my clingy love cave with him. So time to get back on track with working on that again. I'm standing because I do believe in marriage and I love the stupid jerk. But I'm also seeing what a vicious circle it is and how he can't get past his delusions and whAt he thinks happened in the past. I am starting to feel that he's using me for sex and for an emotional purge whenever he needs to release it. When he got a bicycle and really loved bicycling with me or skateboarding with me I felt like we were enjoying each other's time and that things were going back to what I thought was a good part of our relationship. He still has his darkness and is still very much alive in his midlife crisis and I know he still has so many demons to deal with. I didn't expect this to be a quick process, it's just all these steps back after what feels like amazing progress are killing me. There's also the child factor, I really want to have a kid and I am almost completely sure he does not so is it time to let him go and look for relationship where I can have a child? And am i stupid to want a child if I'm going to let him go, I will be single and in such a poorly paying job? Is it right to bring a child into the world when I'm not financially stable? I have never felt so lost and so unsure of my future and where I want to go or need to go.

[Dpthght]

Well I don't have kids so I will tell you what has happened to me.

Things got easier when my W moved out. There wasn't that constant reminder right in my face, I was able to do things around the house without having to worry "will this push her away more." I still have to see her because she is getting her things and honestly, it really doesn't hurt that much now. Yes, it [censored], but there is nothing I can do and she is going to do what she is going to do.

We have not been intimate since I couple of days before her BD. Personally I would say stop doing that, but I haven't been in your shoes so who knows. Right now it seems like you two are always communicating (about bad memories), keep in mind all he sees is the bad and all you see is the good, R talk should be stopped IMO.

Lastly, do you want to have kids with THIS MAN? Even before all of this? If your answer is no, then buh bye. Also, do you really want to have kids or do you want to try and keep him around (not trying to be mean, just asking). Finally, you will never be financially stable to bring a child into the world. You will give up everything for that kid but if you can barely afford yourself right now, then do not bring a child into that.

Detach, GAL, and PMA...what are things you enjoyed doing before M?

[MrBond]

"I will order the book. I need a good read right now."

It's not just a good read. It's your guide and bible to put your situation back together again. You have to be willing to do the work in order to save your M. We can't just spoon feed you the answers when we've done the work ourselves.

[Ss06]

Reading the books is the easiest part of this journey. It's implementing what's in the books even when you don't want to or think it won't work... that's hard.

[devotee]

I know the book will help, maybe just me and not the marriage but it's all I can ask for right now.

I want to have a child, either with him or without him. I wanted to have one with him, but I would not do it to make him stay. I'd let him out of any responsibility actually because I want to have a baby for *me*. I know I'd be a great mother. But I also know if he leaves me it will be a long while before I can financially support myself, I'd probably have to go on welfare to have a child. But I'm almost 40 so my time is running out as far as health and childbearing years.

[devotee]

And dptht I know if he didn't live here with me it would be a lot easier to detach. I'm around him almost all the time.
We haven't had relationship talks in a while do we were doing good. When this one started I knew at some point I would have to exit the conversation since I saw where it was going. I also know it's time to cut off intimacy. I'm not here to be his roommate with benefits (in his eyes), I want to make love to my husband. And if he doesn't consider himself that, well then he doesn't deserve what I have to give.