Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Job - that is my problem. I am finding it hard to be in the grey area of detachment and standing. I can either be nice, get along well, be the happy little wife that provides a comfortable home or I can detach and let go, which is actually easy for me to do, but I have to cut them off completely and shut them out. (Which I have had to do with other relationships in the past) I am having a hard time finding that middle ground where I can be both detached but available. How do I do that with no expectations or hopes? I am finding it impossible. So many people on here seem to have this down, but I struggle so much it is overwhelming. I'm not sure if I can do this.

Even though this has been going on for a year, I am at the 4 month mark of living back at home with my MLC'r. Is this something that has taken others time to adjust to? Please anyone out there, any tips will help me. Some different perspective I can wrap my brain around would be very helpful. I am feeling at this point like this may be hopeless for me.

[LiveNow]

Mleigh, I think if you keep the focus on you, you'll get so involved in developing your own life that you will too busy to dwell on what he's doing/not doing. And you just might start enjoying yourself - without him. 'Let go of what was and take hold of what is'. This is our new reality and we have to keep trying to make the best of it. You can do it. I thought I couldn't, but I am doing it. If I can, you can too!😊

[job]

Your situation isn't hopeless. Detach, let go and live your life for you and your child. BTW, no one has said that you have to be the happy little wife 24/7. You are entitled to have down days too.

It takes some a long time to get to the point of letting go and not worrying about what the mlcer is doing. Living w/one is difficult because they are there most of the time and acting out.

Try to look at him as a roommate and nothing more. He's just someone who graces your presence periodically and then disappears. Stay busy doing things that you enjoy or want to learn. I'm sure you and your son can come up w/some fun things to do when you have the time.

You may want to read the threads of reachingHigher and Raine. They both had to learn to let go and learn to live their lives even after their spouses were back under the same roof. It's hard, I kid you not, but you can do this.

Just be yourself and accept him for who he is today. Don't try to look to far into the future because things can change quickly. Take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.

So, what's on your agenda for today?

[mleigh4]

Thanks guys. Today it's work. I have my yoga tonight but need to find a sitter as H made last minute plans to a concert. I like your ideas. I will continue to work on this. Thank you.

[2BHappy]

My H is at home, never left. Very hard to be his roommate, be nice with no expectations back, to be in love, but not see any love coming back.
My H works 2nd shift so that makes it a lil easier for me, we only have his day off (after I get home from work) or a couple hours on the weekends before H goes into work. I know this makes it ALOT easier for me, we don't have many hours home together and hardly none alone without our son there.

When we are home together for a period of time I try to stay very distant, stay busy in the house and or find a reason to leave the house when I feel like I might explode.

All that to say, try to stay busy physically or mentally when home together. Make plans with your friends and have your H watch your son.

I listen to music or read books or take walks if H is home and I feel like I need to do something.

Try different things to figure out what will work best for you.

When I feel the love about to pour out (LMAO) I will stop and think about all the drama and that usually helps to get me back centered.

[mleigh4]

Thanks 2bhappy, I will try your suggestions too. I have set up my own living room in another room, my little escape where I watch tv and read. That helps me.

The hard part for me is that I can't depend on H to help with S. I try to plan things with friends, but H usually beats me to the punch. On weeknights, he isn't very helpful with homework, bath, bedtime, it's all on me. So, I pretty much feel like a single mom right now. But I do my best to find my me time.

The reality of our world right now is hard to accept sometimes. H won concert tickets from a radio station yesterday for a concert tonight. Of course, I'm not invited. Why in the world would he take his wife?? Sigh. And of course I wonder, is he really taking that guy from work? But I chug on, put it out of my mind, it's in someone else's hands right now. If there is anything different for me to know, it will come out. I also hope he isn't able to make up these crazy stories to me and my son's face, but I guess he would be the one to live with that, right?

Thanks again for your ideas to survive each day. I'll take any advise!

[mleigh4]

To add to my above post. Don't worry - I do know and understand that I should have no expectations. H is not in a "normal" state of mind right now, I am getting that loud and clear. I have to keep reminding myself of that, to stop expecting "normal"!

[mleigh4]

H texted he is heading to concert which is a good 1 1/2 from our home. Says coworker he is going with lives near concert so he may just sleep at his place to save an hour of sleep but will be home in morning before S and I leave. Ok I know it's mean that I say my H is not the brightest light bulb in the pack but how is he saving an hour if he has to leave super early to be home in time for work?? It's either driving it tonight or in the morning!! Lol. I think of one of my favorite shows "Everybody loves Raymond" when the wife says "idiot". I say that to myself all the time!!

But I am good. I just replied "have fun!" I swear in all honesty, home with him gone these days is much calmer and happier for me, so I am fully enjoying the time with S. I am starting to realize that and looking at it as time for peace and quiet!

Also realizing that my fear and anger about wondering if he is even telling the truth. I am realizing it doesn't come from jealousy. He is no prize these days, I had the best part of him years ago and mostly have that in my S. But I feel my feelings come from just the disappointment of possibly being lied to. I hate liars. But it's a new perspective for me. Overall I don't think my H is the cheating type, but he also isn't my H anymore.

[mleigh4]

Boy this week has taken alot out of me, not sure why, just really been a struggle for me. Venting here helps and time to journal:

Things to be proud of myself for and happy about:

1. My and my S's health is good
2. Me and S do alot of laughing together
3. I signed up for weekly yoga again. It helps so much!
4. I have been making an effort to having something planned every weekend in October
5. When H is out and about, I am switching the focus from where/what/who he is doing and focusing on how much I enjoy the peace and quiet at home!
6. I no longer have a hard time eating, my appetite has been good, even when H is out and about
7. I also notice when H is out and about, I used to have a hard time staying focused, but am able to actually enjoy myself
8. I still have a hard time getting a good night sleep, but I am getting better at talking myself down. The yoga helps in creating a "calm mind"
9. Learning to talk less with people about sitch as they don't understand and it only makes me feel worse and sets me off track
10.Taking breaks from reading self help books and enjoying good old fashioned romance novels. Helps me to forget for a little bit!
11. Enjoying being in my home with all of us intact. Me, H, S, dog and hamster too!
12. Very much looking forward to the next few months with fall and the holidays being my favorite time of year.
13. Getting back on track with home projects
14. Having handyman come out next week and take care of a few repairs needed that have been hanging around unfinished for over a year
15. Proud of changes I have made in me and liking myself more, whether H believes changes are genuine or not
16. Happy to be cooking healthy dinners for all of us again, even though I would rather throw it at H many times
17. Letting go of anger at H for being in spare room and enjoying have the bed all to myself.
18. Looking into getting myself a new truck without H help
19. Taking walks on my lunchbreak
20. Fully enjoying the close relationship I have with my S, while he is still young and before he turns into a teenager!
21. Continuing to be successful and impress my boss at my job
22. looking into looking even better than I do, for ME!

That's a good start for now. I will have to come back to this when I am feeling down. Even with the craziness going on, I really have so much to be thankful for. We forget sometimes

[Shining]

I like your list, mleigh.

So.....romance novels, huh....l may need to change it up a bit, too.