I'm glad your neighbor is going w/you to you vacation home. Your neighbor will provide some company on the trip as well as at your place. In fact, the neighbor may enjoy seeing the area and it will give you something else to think about besides your h. Will your friends be coming over to visit while you are there? If so, maybe they won't bring up what your h is or isn't doing these days. It would be nice if you could just leave your situation at home and just enjoy a few days of rest, sun and fun for a change.
If some items are bothering you, then move them and/or replace them w/things that you enjoy while you are there. There's nothing wrong in doing this. Make it your space during your stay.
Bottom line, drive safely and enjoy your time away w/the company of your neighbor.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, thanks for stopping by. My neighbor (and friend) is very excited about this trip. She knows my H and might actually give me some new prospective about the whole thing when she sees my vacation place. My friends over there are already expecting us. We are invited for dinner. I’m bringing them some stuff too, as I always do. They normally don’t bring H subject when I have a company, so it will be fine.
Thanks for wishing us a safe drive. I believe that universe somehow watches out for me. I kind of procrastinated to do the oil change for my car, it was due some time ago. Today I decided to do it during the lunch time, because I wanted to make sure that it would be safe to drive. So, I took it to my mechanic and he told me that there was a nail in one of the tires. I noticed that it was a little low too. I took the car to the shop and they fixed it. I spent 2 hours instead of 1 I originally planned, but I’m glad I did it. It should be safe to drive now!
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Have a great time at your vacation home, GAL as much as possible.
Try your best to NOT give your H a minute of your thoughts. If you start to think of him replace that thought with something else ASAP!
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Well, this is the time of the month again… when H transfers money for the condo mortgage to my account. He’s been pretty consistent to do it on the 15th of each month. He actually almost got me trained, LOL. Yesterday at work I noticed that it was the 15th, so I checked my phone expecting a text from H. It was not there by 6 pm, so I started to worry something was up and I would not get the money. He texted after 7 pm, which would be after 9 pm his time. The text was exactly the same as last month, word for word. I noticed it after 9 pm my time, so I waited until this morning to text back “Thank you”.
Anyway, this is getting quite boring. I mean my sitch with H.
On a positive note, I and my neighbor/friend had a great time at the vacation place! She loved it so much that she is planning to bring her family (H and son) over there very soon, so they could enjoy it too. She said that now she knows why I keep going there so often.
There was no avoiding H in the conversations because she was asking so many questions about how we learnt about this place and all the history. We went out for girls night with my GF over there and the conversation about H came up again. They both said that they feel like H is going to want come back one day, but I will be involved in another R by then and will not want him back.
The good part is that my neighbor/friend was through a D once, it took her 5 years to recover, so she understands what I’ve been going through. And she is not pushing and not telling me to D him, just do what feels right for me. I like that. I was just able to give my side of the story without any judgment or advice from her. She actually learnt a couple of things about my H, she said that she is going to slap him if she sees him next time.
My male friend over there told me that he spoke with H recently and H told him that he was not happy about his job situation. He has not made enough money he wanted to. Oh well, this means he will have to keep working until he!! freezes (I mean the ground) in that state, and I can keep using the vacation home.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I’m exhausted. There was a happy hour for my friends’ B-day yesterday. Today I went to her surprise B-day party at the pool of the appt complex she lives in. It was also my BIL (sister’s H) b-day yesterday, so they had a dinner for that tonight. I don’t think I can drink any more wine, for at least a weeks, LOL.
In a midst of all the texts going back and forth between my friends, my sister and me, I got a text from H. “Hi Bright, has my ballot arrived yet. (notice that there a no question mark here) I want to make sure I vote” Whaaat? He doesn’t live in this state… Why would he care about all this local election stuff and the Mayor? Actually, I mailed his ballot to him yesterday. The good girl I am…
So, my first thought was to respond to him telling him that I mailed the ballot and that he would receive it on Monday. Then I thought that I’ve been making it too easy for him, so why not make him to work a little… I texted back telling him that his ballot arrived. That’s it. I was thinking that naturally he would ask me to mail it to him… No response so far. Well, I waited to respond to him for like 3 hours. I was busy running around and I’m sorry, he is not my first propriety anymore… So, maybe he went to bed, haha, and could not respond to me.
I will see if he responds tomorrow. WTF is wrong with this guy? Does he expect me to always be there for him? Like he said he wants to be sure he votes, so I’m supposed to just jump through the hoops to make that happen? I think he still relates to this place as his home base. He was in this state for a total of 3 or days this year. He will be here maybe for another 3 pr 4 days at the end of the year. Why… why… why… he wants to vote here?
OK, I’m actually not looking for an answer. I know his behavior is strange. But, I don’t give a sh!t. If I don’t any messages from him tomorrow, I will let him know that I mailed the ballot.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
So, no follow up message from H. Now I get it. The absence of a question mark in his sentence about his ballot means that he kind of expects me to mail it to him, he doesn’t need to ask me, just point out that he wants to make sure “he votes”. And then I should figure out what to do next – mail it to him. I’m still curious about that behavior. I have a few thoughts on this:
1. He is not comfortable asking me to mail his ballot to him 2. He is testing if I am still this considerate “friend” who does him favors without him asking 3. He is selfish SOB. 4. All of the above.
I guess I’m at the point when if I need something from him, I will just ask. But try not to need anything from him. I will be asking for an updated company file shortly, because it looks like I’m picking some extra work on the side, which I want to run through the company. I know that he is kind of dependent on me in terms of convenience of having my address for some of his mail and having me as a back up on the condo mortgage. Maybe he feels trapped, IDK. He was the guy who always able to make the hard decisions and follow up with them. The only hard decision he’s made so far is separate from me.
If he is not comfortable with asking me for favors, he can change that.
I know this probably comes across as one of the posts about mail subject again. And I will probably get an advice, once again, to tell him to send his mail somewhere else. I’m going to pull mkaingmajic and just be stubborn here. Plus, it is not that it is the fact that I send him his mail bothers me. I find myself constantly curious about what is going on with H these days and when he is going to take any action. I know that I’m not ready for action on my side yet, but I’m ready to response to his.
In a sense, I feel that by not taking any action myself, I’m torturing the poor guy and make him suffer through these uncomfortable moments of asking me for favors.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I support whatever you decide with the mail. I think it's amazing how you've been so patient and able to learn so much through this one connecting thread.
You are learning what works for you and what doesn't.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Bright, Only you can decide what is best for you. Your h is mia and he's not made a move one way or the other about the situation of whether or not to stay married or not and yes you are curious. He knows that you will take care of things and that's a compliment in many ways, but there are times when it gets to you. I get that, I really do.
I do think the mail situation bugs you, but it's really not the main thing that does...it's how he communicates w/you. When he communicates w/you, it's usually very short and impersonal and it bugs you because you know that this isn't the way he use to be. I don't think he's testing you. I do think he knows that you'll take care of things for him. Bright, he knows you very well and knows that you will not do anything to harm him in any way and he also knows that you care enough about him and others that you'll go out of your way to make sure his mail or other transactions are taken care of.
If you need something from him, then ask. Don't be afraid to do so. I may be wrong, but from what you've posted, he's not going to take any action in the way of divorcing you. He's quite comfortable w/the way things are. He probably doesn't even think about how this separation is affecting you because you remain very calm and do not make demands on him when you communicate w/him. He may very well think that you are just as content as he is w/the way things are. No one truly knows what goes through their heads unless they spew forth.
I wish that things were different for you and your family. He may very well be one of those guys who continues to live off the radar for many years to come. No one knows what the future holds, but we have to live our lives to the fullest no matter what happens.
Bright, you'll know what you need to do when the time is right.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job, you are so right about H's communication with me. He treats me like a complete stranger who he doens't even like.
Originally Posted By: job
He maybe very well be one of those guys who continues to live off the radar for many years to come.
This is very sad. It made me cry this morning when I read it.
And I'm sill not feeling any better now. I sent H another text yesterday telling him that I already mailed his ballot to him on Friday and he should reveive it today. He hasn't even acknowledge it. Now I'm thinking that he is pushing my buttons, trying to provoke me. I don't have any other explanation why he would be so rude.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, There could be any number of reasons why he's not responded back. He could be very busy and left his phone in his truck, the battery has died or he hasn't had a chance to look at his phone. Please try not to assume what he may or may not be doing. I don't see him pushing your buttons at all. Give the man some time to acknowledge the text message, i.e., not everyone lives for their phone messages. Now, if he doesn't respond by Thursday, then I would say, something has happened and he's not acknowledging it.
Now about my comment about there are some who live off the radar for many years to come. I have a DB friend who is in that situation. Her h walked out just about 15 years ago and they are still living separately and they have not divorced. She went on w/her life, he still pays the mortgage on the home she lives in and he's moved to and from the west/east coast and now lives back in the state where he originally lived. He has purchased a farm and is raising some nice animals and continues to work his day job. How are things? Well, they remain cordial and the last time I heard from her, they were still emailing periodically. So, yes, some do remain off the radar for many years until someone makes a move to divorce and finally let go and move on for themselves.
Yes, the person in crisis will treat the spouse like a stranger or better yet, their mother/father figure or in your case, he may look to you as a someone who will take care of things for him. In fact, he knows you will.
For now, sit quietly, don't assume anything and let's see what transpires next. Assumptions will give you stinking thinking each and every time and you know what? Generally 99% of the time that stinking thinking is incorrect.
Keep the focus on you and your life. You've got a lot of living to do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
