Went to vacation home last weekend. My male friend over there turned 60. It kind of put the things into perspective. His wife is 34, and their kid is not even 2. There were other friends visiting, who actually organized a small party. I was pulled into the conversation about H, again. It started just with the questions, but turned out to be an “advising, what to do” session. I was asked again why don’t I divorce H, why I would not leave the condo to H, I was told that my son will get over the whole thing and I should not worry about him. I was asked if I’m dating and I was told how it is just OK when people split up but still maintain the common friends. Now, this is from the couple who were never divorced (first and long lasting marriage for both, even though not without arguing and bickering), and who don’t have kids.
When I was leaving the vacation place yesterday, I was thinking that maybe they are right and I’m just a bad, stupid person again. I know, stinking thinking… I started to think that I do need to file for D and never go to the vacation home again. I’m so fed up with this.
When I was leaving for the vacation home on Friday, I received a text from H, saying that he “had” to pay him, and that now the company taxes are due. He said that he sent me a file. The text “sounded” like he was not that happy to send it. I was driving at that time, so didn’t respond until I had to stop before crossing the border. I replied to him saying that I was on my way to the vacation home and that I would take care of the taxes when I get back. I asked him if the pay day was on that day. He replied “yes”. I sent another text saying that I think I have until Wednesday to pay the taxes (they have to be paid in the next few days after the payroll.) There was no reply to that. I thought that he was not happy that I was going to the vacation home. Before my first reply I was thinking that he would be happy for me and wish me a good trip, then I would tell him about his friend’s B-day (I don’t think he remembered.) Since he just replied “yes”, I decided not to mention anything. I’m not his mother to remind him about his friend’s B-days.
I suspected that he was not in a good mood, because he said he “HAD” to pay himself. I know that he had, because he run out of money and would not have any to pay for the condo next month. But he also didn’t make as much money on the company books as he hoped for. Oh well, not my problem.
So, considering all that happed during my time at the vacation home and his grumpy texts, I was having these thoughts that I should just do something to end this. I was seriously thinking about filing for D, telling him to stop any mail to my house, removing all my stuff from the vacation home and not going there again.
When I came back home yesterday, I opened his e-mail with the file. And… there was a completely different tone. He addressed me by name, informed me about the payroll for him and asking me if I could pay the taxes, and if not to please send him the necessary documentation, so he could “attempt to do it” himself. He put his usual (good mood usual) “Hope all is well”. But then… in PS he asked me the QUESTIONS… “How was vacation home over Labor Day? Everything OK with the Condo?”
So, I guess he knows I was at the vacation home a few weeks ago from his brother (my BIL), who went to the wedding last week. I guess there was a talk about me. I wonder if BIL told all the family how he keeps close to my family and how we have good relationship and good times together. I’m curious if they were surprised.
Not sure what prompted H to ask these questions. It’s been a while since he wanted to know anything about me. Maybe he was just trying to be polite because he was asking me a favor?
So, what do I do now? Do I reply with some good news about my time at the vacation home? I think I will. At this point I just don’t care anymore if it will be DBing or not. I would reply to a friend. It is just this made me to take a step back again and question my readiness to file. I will give it a few days to see what happens with my feelings. I either will be back into the standing mode, or I will get more angry and determined.
Last edited by BrightFuture; 09/24/1401:42 PM.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright, Your friends and family mean well...but you need to learn to cut them off at the pass. When they begin asking questions or providing "advice", tell them that you appreciate all of their concern, but you will determine what is best for you and then change the subject. They are not walking in your shoes, hence, they don't understand what you are going through. Until they do the walk, they'll continue to offer free advice at every corner. Shut them down in a polite way.
As for your h, I would respond back to his text, just as you would an old friend. There is no harm in that. He asked you about your time away and I would share a bit w/him. Open the door just a little bit and maybe the communications w/him will get him to post more often.
Please do not allow others tell you what to do when it comes to how you are living your life.
BTW, I think I'm the 100th poster on your thread. Time to think about a new thread.
Job, you were indeed the 100th poster and locked right after that.
I just needed to get it out yesterday, didn’t even think that the thread would lock.
I do need to learn how to change the subject with my friends and family. I should know better by now.
As with H, as soon as I get used to not hearing from him and think that he is completely gone, he surprises me with some text or e-mail. So, it still up and down for me, even though the rollercoaster is a little slow right now. Like in slow motion. Still sickening...
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
At this point I just don’t care anymore if it will be DBing or not.
I like this, and it's where I'm at too. We've been at this a long time. Best to just be true to ourselves and be ourselves. Do and say what we want. (for the most part, anyway) Anything else seems too fake.
What ever happens, is going to happen.
I truly feel contentment and confidence is very attractive, and will take us far.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
If I try not to beat myself up for MY stuff while I'm learning.....then Bright.....well, you get it
Yes, Shining, I will try to keep up with your thread. You are going way too fast for me. I only have so much time to read and update. Thanks for stopping by.
FY, thanks for validating. I’m at the point when anything I do in regards to H doesn’t make any difference anyway. So, I will just say what I feel, and if he doesn’t like it, he will not ask for updates next time.
And here I go again. Down… Text exchange with H today:
H: Hi I’m not sure if you sent the file back to me yet but if you can please do tonight, I need to do some invoicing tomorrow. Me: Sure, I will. H: Thanks
So, what gives again? Yesterday he was addressing me by name and using some punctuation. Today, he “sounds” like he really doesn't want to communicate with me, but has to. It still kind of polite, but more dry. Am I reading too much into it?
Anyway, I sent him the file and replied to his questions about vacation home. I told him that we had a great time with my sister and her son over the labor day weekend and that this weekend was great too, also mentioned my dog. Gave him a small update on the condo as well. He will probably go into the hole now. I don’t care.
The texts and e-mails don’t bother me anymore, I just still like to analyze. I would give a lot to know what is going on in his head.
I have more mail for him. I think it is registration for his truck that he just renewed. And another Playboy… I will send this to him this weekend. I’m just curious, how long does he think I will be doing all this for him.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
i'm voting that you just be you- respond if it's courteous and you're a courteous person. be nice, if you're a nice person- don't change the essential you for this guy.
i try to keep being who I AM - not allow whatever going on with H to change me into someone- something i don't like.
like you- i have moments of severe reservation- and like you, it is instigated by GIANT convos with well-meaning friends - that makes me plunge BACKWARD into 'THIS ALL".
i need to quit it too. on one hand- it's true and happened and (perhaps) should be part of the consideration. maybe tho- if we truly do consider it a bit of "insanity" of some sort- we don't really ahve to re-live it over and over.
maybe we need to let that go- and if we are cruising along in life pain-free for moments when we don't think about it - we need to go with that.
everythign you say- about your vacation- resonates. i think we alllll feel this junk you feel too. don't be pressured to make "an end". if you're not ready to.
i used to wake in nite , my mind demanding i 'DO SOMETHING". It was hard as heck to ignore- i did manage tho. major victory in self-control? (somewhat)
people cannot know what you feel or are going thru - i know this, because 15 or so years ago my sister went thru same thing- and i was trying to be helpful and supportive- and honestly, i had no idea of the mental/emotional devastation. honest- i still feel embarassed and sad that i could not have known & been more helpful. she is deadnow- unless you've been thru it- you cannot conceptualize (well, even if the poor sap in the hot seat describes accurately- it's hard to believe.
you're doing great i think- hanging on- that's the main thrust of this isn't it? hanging on, being pleasant but not pursuing, etc. and alllll the rest. key feature- still "in the picture" despite it all....good luck
Bright, Your h could have had a bad day or something was on his mind when he posted requesting the file. Trying to analyze his mood by the tone of his emails is difficult, especially when you aren't around him. Just be yourself when you interact w/him.
Again, if receiving his mail is bugging you, then do something about it, either advise him that he needs to put in a change of address and get a PO Box or have it forwarded to his friend's place, whereby it doesn't come to you.
You are the only one that has the power to change things that are going on in your life. Try not to allow his interactions bring you down.
You have been doing a great job. Don't allow others to convince you to file for a divorce. You'll know when you've had enough.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
YOU are a wonderful, strong, capable woman. If you aren't ready to file, then it's nobody's GD business but your own.
Something about our broken marriages brings out every opinion from everyone. It's exhausting.
Own your decisions. Own it. YOU aren't ready to file. OWN IT. We all support you here, no matter what you decide.
My family is full of some really opinionated, controlling, domineering personalities and I have had to, for my own sanity, tell them to all shut the Eff up. Shut up and allow me to hear my own voice.
I hear struggling with what you think you SHOULD be doing and what you WANT to do.
This isn't there marriage, their life, their whatever. Marriage is a covenant and you are treating it with the seriousness it deserves. You are honoring your vows. Not a damn thing wrong with that.
But, Bright, if you are sick of forwarding him his porn...put a stop to it. That has to feel kinda gross...you bring up the Playboy a lot.
He's had it pretty good in all of this. He knows you are there as a safety net when he needs you. Maybe think about putting up some thicker boundaries so you don't feel compromised. That has nothing to do with the marriage license...that's just about your integrity and confidence. Ask for what you deserve.
If you are serious about shaking things up...What about texting him something like, "Hey D-bag, get your Playboy delivered to your own damn house. Think you can handle that?"
Seriously, rock the boat a bit see what happens. He ain't going nowhere.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I agree with Lois, but maybe do it in a little different fashion.
I would send him an email and ask him to change his address at the post office. Explain to him that you find his taste in subject matter to be offensive and you would prefer that it not come to your home. Suggest to him that if he is unable to do it himself or not willing too then the only alternative you will have is to file a change of address for him at the post office having his mail redirected to his place of employment.
I am sure this will get an immediate response with out being too confrontational.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
