Maybell XIII

[Maybell]

I used up the last of my 12th thread freaking out.

Maybell XII

I think it's time to face the fact that I married a guy who is not capable of nurturing or sustaining a deep relationship. That when our year is up one or both of us will file and I will be free to be loved richly. The way I deserve.

This isn't a thought that gives me pleasure. But wishing for him to be a better, more loving person won't make it so.

Be patient. Focus on the things I CAN change. Listen and validate everyone I meet. Enjoy where I am. Treat myself with love. Release my expectations and make room for delightful surprises. BE HAPPY.

[SunnyB]

Release my expectations and make room for delightful surprises.

Good morning, Maybell. Yesterday in staff meeting (I work for a church) we talked about letting some ministries "die off" to make room for new ones. So I like this sentence above very much. I will try to make room for delightful surprises today.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I'm sorry you are in a difficult place. You are trying to process so much and juggle so many things. I think many of is relate to how challenging that can be. Yes, allow for surprises. They are nice. Something you posted earlier caught my eye, and I just wanted to comment. Please know I don't mean this to be harsh or to hurt you. Just remembered reading it and thinking.....

Your h said he couldn't go back to a"passionless" marriage. Passion is an interesting thing you know? We can feel passion about things we do, things we like, political or charitable causes, etc. This is mindreading, however, if your h is trying to compare your M to his A, them those 2 will never equate. I have no idea if your h thinks passion and $ex are interchangeable. His A was "passionate" because it was fantasy, no obligations, no responsibilities, no kids, no power bills, etc. this does not mean your R with him cannot be passionate. However,( I know you know that you have no control over your h's thoughts) if that particular biochemical feeling is something he is hoping to recapture, then you may be forever climbing a mountain. I don't say that to be discouraging and someone will probably come along and say "don't be a hater , GB". This was just something I read on your thread and stuck out to me.

You are a great Mom, Maybell. Your kids are lucky to have you.

[Maybell]

GB, I really agree with you about him chasing that neurochemical thrill. It's one of the things that infuriates me about him. In the letter where he asked me for the separation, he actually DID compares his A to our M... and he only saw OW FOUR TIMES in a year. The rest of their "relationship" was electronic. She has a 3yo special needs daughter, wonder how long the thrill would have lasted if they'd actually lived in the same town? When I called him out on comparing those two relationships he said "I know they're not comparable. That's not what I meant." But he didn't clarify either, so I don't believe him.

Be that as it may, *I* deserve passion and a fantastic partner who will go on weekends away with me and spend glorious family time with my children. If my H is too shallow to understand real passion then he's going to live a very lonely life.

I suspect that my upset from the last couple of days is another stage of my letting-go process. I don't deserve to be treated this way. I'm not perfect but I'm pretty darn awesome and I can do better than this.

[Maybell]

Dang it... Last night when I was writing all those things here on the forum I sent him a short message that said I was tired of feeling undesirable with him and that I didn't want to spend any more time with him till he did the asking. I said I was worth more than how I feel when he's telling me he can't remember feeling excited about me (meaning when I did the temperature check I couldn't stop myself from doing).

Now he just sent me an email -- three paragraphs -- saying he doesn't want me to feel undesirable and that I don't deserve to, that he's over-compensating for protecting my feelings, that he enjoyed the later part of our evening together and that he wants to spend Sunday evening after the kids go to bed watching a movie with me because it's important to him that we stay friends.

This feels really difficult to me. I realize I have to let go of my expectations (and really, this is a "delightful surprise" as my mantra says -- I fully expected him to be OK with me shutting down again) but I don't know how to spend time with him like this without hoping it means we're going to come back together.

I guess it's a good thing I put all that ranting on the forum instead of sending it as I came so close to doing.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[SunnyB]

I don't really have any suggestions, you seem to be light years ahead of me. But I do want to say that I have decided I don't want to be H's friend right now. I'll be his W as long as we are actually M and he's still in my bed; I'll be the mother of his children forever; but I have no intention of striking up a friendship any time soon. It's not what I want, and I'm just not there. Maybe I'll get there someday, but I suspect by then I'll have given up on the W part.

[Georgiabelle]

Maybell,

I know you've said in prior posts that you miss your h's friendship. However in the spirit of being realistic, that friendship was part of a M. Right now that isn't the case. Your h says he wants to be friends. Perhaps something more can come of that. No one knows.

It can be difficult to *force* something. You can definitely watch a movie with your h after the kids go to bed. See how you feel. Why don't you see how the evening goes in general with the kids?

[Maybell]

He has the kids this weekend so the arrangement would be that we all five have dinner together, he puts the kids to bed then sticks around for him & me to watch the movie.

We did talk last night also about "hanging out" for evening things and when he said he didn't know how to deal with the childcare I made a couple of suggestions for how we could manage it. Because apparently he has ZERO ability to solve a problem.

I'm letting it sit for a while. I have IC this morning and will discuss with him. So tired of all this drama....

[labug]

Maybell, again I think you need to take time off and really figure you out.

What I see happening repeatedly, and please correct me if I'm wrong, is you say you're going to back off, leave it alone for a while and then the next time you see him, BOOM, pressure, relationship talk, he gets backed into a corner and you go here,

I think it's time to face the fact that I married a guy who is not capable of nurturing or sustaining a deep relationship. That when our year is up one or both of us will file and I will be free to be loved richly. The way I deserve.

That may be true but I don't know that he's had the opportunity to even explore that. Didn't he just start IC?

You can't expect him to be a "model" father overnight when that wasn't the expectation before. You can expect him over time to grow into a different father than he has been. Realistically, he's either going to be the Dad who travels a lot and makes the money and sees the kids when he can or you'll all have to make huge changes in your lives.

I'm really angry that you said "I'm paying for this house," as though I'm completely sponging off you. The truth is, you chose this house. For a future that we were planning together. And also, you chose to leave it. And you've left me to be the one to deal with all the fall out, from managing the house single-handedly even though it's way too big for one adult, to managing the kids' hurt and their missing you all by myself.

I couldn't find the actual conversation where he said this but really, do you think he meant you were sponging off him? Really? And I'm asking cause I don't know your H. From what I've read it seems that would be uncharacteristic but again, never met the guy.
When you begin creating these stories, really test yourself on what you know to be true and why you fall back to that position of I'm not good enough.

You want to control this, you want an end date, you want him to be different, you want what you want and in trying to force this you may get exactly what you don't want.

You've read my threads, there was a time when I put a calendar on my fridge and I marked every day that I didn't contact H because I wasn't ready. When we had contact, I either wanted to punish him, or plead my case, or be the victim. I need to work out my chit I went several weeks, did me a world of good.

I know you can't go that long without contact but you can go that long being the friendly co-parent, no dates. You can get your feet on the ground and have a clear idea of just what it is you want. I said yesterday that you knew where you needed to go and then you see him and it's a$$ over teakettle. Give yourself a break. Take some time off.

Darlin' you've got a lot of resentment sandbagged about past stuff (move, house, travel,etc). What can you do with that? Are you and IC digging through that mess? You're R with H can't be different until you've buried that stuff, it's keeping you stuck in the past.

I know this is a lot and I know how difficult it is-again, you read my threads. Keep working your way through this. ((( )))

[Maybell]

Labug, I value your perspective. You are always right, just like you are above.

I like the calendar idea and I think I'm going to use it. I got crazed by my weekend with my parents & my brother's wedding and when I got home I just needed comfort and he's the person who understands how they are and how I am with them. He responded to that conversation and welcomed it and I felt so relieved. Then I go off the deep end.

I REALLY am trying to step back. I don't know why I keep falling off. I don't know how he draws me in. I don't want to be like this.

Back on the horse. Thanks for pointing out my pattern.