Maybell XII

[Maybell]

Well, H stayed for a glass of wine after dropping kids. I did a TERRIBLE job at first, frustrated at him for not stepping up with kids (reasonable) asking why we're apart (unreasonable)... Took me a little time to pull it together.

I told him that I've been missing him for years, so in my mind there was a distinction between missing him as being part of a couple and missing him for himself, and that at the moment I just missed him for himself, for the closeness we used to share that I've been missing for so long. That was bad DBing. But there you go, it's out there.

Then I did pull it together and we talked about spending time together. Tossed a couple of scenarios back & forth. Nothing established... But we weren't talking about going to lunch either. We were talking about "dates," till I told him we should just call it hanging out to keep the pressure off. He liked that. He still feels "nothing" for me... Well, that's for now. I got him to laugh. He was frustrated at how my parents treat me. He calls where we are a gray area. We talked about impersonal things, books, movies, etc. I teased him about dating -- he said he wasn't to that point yet but might get there. I said, laughing, yes, you'd be a real catch, how's that going to work? He laughed too and I said "I can't stop you if that's what you're going to do, but keep an eye on your self-respect." He said he wasn't going to make his situation any more complicated than it already is.

We talked a little bit about how long things have been bad between us and what I understand about how he got to this place.

I'd say I did probably 60% wrong and 40% right but he did hug me at the end. So, I don't know if it's progress or if I'm just doing a little bit better.

He pointed out he's only had the kids three weekends. So even though we've been apart five months, it hasn't been that long for him because of the travel. So I've got to remember that.

What more can I say? I hate this place. On the other hand, I am beginning to like who I am so it was probably worth it. The cost is awfully high though.

He's only going to IC once every three weeks. Sigh.

[Ss06]

Well, I think you did pretty darn good considering, Maybell. Being perfect in the moment is impossible.

I guess I'm confused how he feels "nothing" for you. What's the point of "hanging out" then? And he's considering dating other people? I'm confused by that.

All in all I think you are really sounding stronger and more confident. Keep it up, Maybell!

[Maybell]

Well, I think he does not feel nothing for me. I think he hides from his feelings and tries to deny that he has them. I think he doesn't want the responsibility of the relationship but isnt ready to walk away entirely. For whatever reason -- I don't think I motivate him yet. He also said he doesn't like to talk about himself, but when I ask the right questions he says a lot.

I did tell him I was done compensating for him and that I was going to take him at face value. That was apropos of my calling him out after he said he "didn't mind helping with the kids." I told him I was done giving him credit for thinking things that weren't demonstrated by his words.

He wants to consider dating other people because he likes to think of himself having the liberty to do that. That's my view.

He is kind of icky in some ways, but it think this isn't entirely who he is.

[claire7]

Exciting stuff, Maybell!

Don't focus too much on what he said.

Liking who you are seems pretty important, in the general scheme of life. I think it's priceless.

(((hugs!)))

[Ss06]

He "doesn't mind helping with the kids"? I really like what you said about no longer giving him credit for non-action but what father "helps" with the kids? It's called being a father. Ugh.

I agree with Claire, too. It is absolutely priceless to like who you are. I believe it's one of the main reasons we're on this planet.

[Maybell]

And yet in spite of all my strong moments I still just want someone to tell me that I haven't chased him further away and when we're going to succeed in reconnecting. And when he'll start having a little more faith in him & me. I'm tired of all this and a little angry. Especially about the kid part. And sincerely, miss the good bits.

Or I'm doing things out of order and trying to turn a marathon into a 5k.

[Ss06]

We're all trying to turn a marathon into a 5K, Maybell. I think it's only human of us.

Having no guarantees of if or when or how is such a HUGE part of the pain of this process. I've heard that there's no way around it, only through. I liken it to The NeverEnding Story (remember that movie?!). There's this super long journey to find and kill the Nothing and all these tests that are impossible to pass, the death of a beautiful horse and meeting strange characters along the way yet even in the end, despite the help of Falkor (the goodluck dragon), there was nothing left of Fantasia. Makes you wonder what the whole point of the journey was...

I wish for you a goodluck dragon to help you on what seems to be a NeverEnding Story.

Gah, I'm such a nerd.

[Maybell]

I'm just venting here, so please don't count this against the letting go I've been working on.

But I think my H is ridiculous. He is the one who created the distance between us. He is the one who has not tended to the relationship. He fails to talk through an enormous decision (the move seven years ago), abandons me to misery until I can pull myself put of my own unhappiness, enjoys without nurturing the closeness that follows, distances again, and then gives yo because he's so unhappy with the loneliness he's nurtured himself. Did I have a role? Yes, absolutely. But he has never taken the trouble to care for our relationship. He is failing to leant from anything now and I want to smack him and say this is so stupid!!!!! What do you think marriage is like??????

I told him our D11 needs recharge time when she stays the weekend with him and his so,union is that he wants her to walk to the library. I said over and over, she wants time at home to unwind, just like you, but he seems not to have noticed that he wouldn't feel recharged by exile either. He's such a dolt. So emotionally stunted and so unworthy of the care I've been trying to take. I believe he will just do this again because he's stupid.

I want to throw in the towel. I feel a huge lump in my chest at how poorly I chose, at the waste of eighteen years, at the horrible investment I made in this selfish, unimaginative a$$. I feel horrible for my kids who have been saddled with a dad who has the nerve to call spending one evening a week with them "helping out."

I feel disgusted with myself for allowing myself to be so needy with him, and for taking to myself the blame for the failure in our marriage when through the last several years of it I was doing everything I could ink of to close the gap that I have been thinking caused it. When in truth he's just selfish and immature and brittle. I'm better off without someone so cowardly. I am furious with him for being so lame and myself for wanting to rely on he leadership of someone who won't lead. I'm sick of this and I want to just move on. He is gross.

I want to continue on ranting but I'm aware that this is a semi-public place and from here I'll just be repeating myself. I want to cut the strings from this lame loser and I wish I could cut the children's strings for. Him too so they wouldn't spend the rest of their childhoods being hurt by his selfishness, his lack of agency, his weakness, his up curiousness, his stupidity. The weight in my chest where his betrayal sits is crushing me. How dare he hurt us his way??? And how dare I think that I could fix any of this???? How could I have chosen so poorly??? What was I thinking??? Why should I find him the slightest but attractive??? How could I demean myself with wanting him back?????

And yet I don't see he point of breaking up. It's so stupid and fixable. I want to throw up.

[Maybell]

Oh, and by the way, close relationships don't just happen. They have to be nurtured intentionally. And I would say I'm the greater authority in this area because I have a number of close relationships and he has none. But he could have if he wasn't such a cowardly dingbat who averts his eyes from learning.

GAHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

[Maybell]

I drafted an email and am pasting it here rather than sending it to him so my head can cool. The "I'm paying for this house" was a comment he made in response to my request that he take all his winter clothes back to his apartment and not only the ones he wanted. (He also said his apartment was really small, but it's bigger than the last rental house the five of us lived in together...)

I'm really angry that you said "I'm paying for this house," as though I'm completely sponging off you. The truth is, you chose this house. For a future that we were planning together. And also, you chose to leave it. And you've left me to be the one to deal with all the fall out, from managing the house single-handedly even though it's way too big for one adult, to managing the kids' hurt and their missing you all by myself.

They're relieved to see you and so you don't have to deal with the hard conversations. You don't have to see the way D11 flinched when she asked if we were spending Thanksgiving together and I said I didn't think so. You don't see how they look when I promise you love them even though you don't want to live with us. You never even have to promise I love them; it doesn't occur to you I might have to make that assurance on your behalf. (I've had to many times.) You have the nerve to say you're "happy to help out" when they are your children too, and by rights you ought to be the one taking the consequences of what I think is a really cowardly and immature decision, not me. You shouldn't need to be told to make time to have dinner with them during the week. I didn't ask for your help taking them to karate, I asked you to spend time with them and to share the parenting responsibility. I shouldn't have to; you have a responsibility to arrange to see them more often than every other weekend.

You are failing to nurture your relationships with them through the tough times exactly the way you failed to nurture our relationship. Why would you think the consequences will be different? Have you talked to adult friends whose parents divorced when they were children? I have. It's grim. Let's start with: (new SIL) walked down the aisle by herself in consequence of her parents splitting up when she was a kid. It gets worse from there. Is that the person you want to be? And do you want them to walk away from you as you're walking away from me & them? You're already starting to see it with D11, do you realize?

This isn't to guilt you into wanting to spend time with me. I don't need to do that because I am worth more than that. I am attractive and fun and loving and I have the capacity to care about others unselfishly. As I've shown you many times. As I'm showing now by caring for the kids single-handedly through the last five months, except for one week, four weekends and two week nights. I've made many mistakes, but I am willing to learn from them and I'm working to learn from them. I can be happy without you, even if it takes time to get there. But the kids will always be scarred by the way you are treating them. They've been visibly scarred by the last six months and that won't change. The best you can do at this point is not make it worse. So please start making that happen. I can not bear to see how they are hurting because of your inattentiveness. Being a good husband and father is a matter of making intentional choices every day for the good of your family. It's not a spontaneous talent.

Also, would YOU feel recharged by being sent to spend the afternoon in the library? Why do you think D11 would? I don't know what solution to suggest, and it's your problem to solve, but you should think that one through. Or maybe discuss it with her. You say you want her life to be as normal as possible in spite of your choices. Think about what would be normal for her. Sending her off to the library by herself isn't that. They are coming to realize they can't take any activity or free time for granted because they have to split their time between our households. This is a stupid way for children to have to think. Your happiness shouldn't come at their expense. You should figure out how to be happy so they don't have to pay for it.

I appreciate, and have always appreciated how smart you are and how hard you work to make this lifestyle possible. I have come to think, though, it wasn't worth the cost. I'd rather have been married to a plumber who cared about his family and was willing to lead and protect us than be married to an executive who can't or won't.

Maybe all this makes me repulsive to you now. You're probably going to get really mad and chalk one more black mark next to my name. If it makes you a better dad, then I don't care. I hate what you've done to our family and to our marriage. We have young kids and will be tied to each other for many years. (Which includes paying for our care.) Choosing to leave and refusing to take responsibility for your part in fixing all this is like choosing the "for worse" part of our vows to each other and giving up on the possibility of making the "for better" happen. If that's your choice, that's your choice. But quit thinking the kids are my problem and at least start putting more constant effort into their well-being, because they are victims in this mess.