_________________________ M44, H44, both M before M4 yrs, T6 BD 7/13 ILYB something isn't right with me H att suicide 2/14 S 4/14 OW disc 5/14 No D filed
Journaling Aaaaaannnnddd I waffled. Yup. (Shaking my head). I met him. Tried to stay angry. Nope.
But I wasn't a gushing mess. Non-emotional.
I met H in the parking lot in front of the main building. H texted after work that he wanted to talk to me about something.....
Although, it isn't a constant focus, the thought of D does cross my mind. I thought, now that house is closed....the next step in his path of destruction maybe??
We never mention the word. We don't have R talks. We don't argue.
Deep breath.
So, I walked out to him as he sat in his car, and got the kids' cards through his window. He asked if I have a minute, and I got in the passenger side.
He looked right into my eyes. Cr@p.
He told me he was sorry for the text earlier, asking about my job search, that he didn't want me to think he was hounding me.
He told me that he remembered that right after we got married, we cashed in 20k of one of my retirements to put down on the house. One of his (equivalent) retirements is in a new account, which is now joint (50-50).
So he said he wants to give me more of the house money, out of his proceeds, to give me "half" of my original down payment back....which legally, he does not have to do.
They are just words, I know. We'll see what he does. But for some reason, he has not been a spender.....yet, at least.
Here's what's so weird....He kept repeating over and over and over....like a machine...."l want to do the right thing. I want you to have this because its the right thing to do. I want to make sure I keep my integrity. No one can say I took your money. It's the right thing to do. No matter how mad you ever get at me, or what anyone ever says about me, I'll know I did the right thing."
What is that all about? As always, I just let him talk. I only said thank you.
Then he told me he's selling some of his prized possession instruments. He said he's buying different ones...maybe. But he's getting rid of stuff.....and that dang suicide thing has me freaking scared. My antennas went up.
Idk, it may be nothing. But I'm forever aware, and forever changed because of it.
He looked great, although his eyes were watery at times. He looked really, really great. >sigh<
Then.... We talked a little about my sons moving, and that led to a talk about my xh. One of my S18 is possibly going to live in the basement of xh house, with xh and xhgf. It's near S18 college....more space than my apartment....I don't blame him.
There is a lot of bad history with xh, that I haven't shared here. He was not a good man. But, that was a decade ago. He had a few years where he got very aggressive...I think he was secretly taking some meds.... He is in a different place now, and has been for 5-6 years. I think he grew up. He's had years and years of professional help. He isn't dangerous, for sure.
My H has been really upset and bothered by S18 moving there, and asked if that makes what we told him untrue.....I said "No, but a lot has changed in the past years with S18 and xh R (I don't talk about xh improvements to h...it wasn't ever relevant). S is 18. I don't get to decide his life, or anyone's. You're the one who taught me this when your D19 started doing (x,y,z), and you said you don't agree with all her choices, but she's 18. They have to learn and sometimes fall on their own."
Ok.....Why should he suddenly ask or pretend to care? Btw, this is the same S18 that found H at suicide attempt, and the same one who was H target of blame when the spewing started and I didn't know what it was..... H chucked us all into the trash anyway so he would not have these responsibilities. Why ask or have input, then? I don't understand his sudden concern about my sons, who haven't spoken to him since S.
I shrugged it off for the most part. I didn't argue, or take any bait. I calmly made a comment about the fact that none of us really has any say over what someone else decides to do, good or bad, do we, H......
Crickets.
Then I told him I had to go. I was quick to exit. No hug. I simply skeet-daddled outa there.
So, in summary, what all this means?....nothing. We will either get D or we won't. We will either reconcile, or we won't. Who the f knows.
Hi Shining, I just wanted to stop by and say you sound like you are doing great. Funny how seeing the other fellow LBS's on here doing better makes ME feel good for you! It's almost like we're all part of the same tribe and want the others to succeed. It's 4:00 AM here and I couldn't sleep so I just popped on and saw your last few posts.
Keep moving forward, Shining! You will be great and you will have the life you deserve because you have what it takes to MAKE that life.
WE feel like they are doing horrible things and that they are trying to hurt us.
THEY feel like they are trying to fix something in their lives.
The spewing...is how they push is away. The more we resist, the more they have to spew. To push harder, until we stop resisting.
It doesnt mean they dont care. It doesnt mean they dont worry about us or our kids. It doesnt mean they are unfeeling monsters and whether we want to believe it or not...this process hurts them just as much as it hurts us.
They believe they tried, during the time we thought things were ok.
That is why we feel blindsided. That is why they push us away. When it becomes safer for them to be nice, they usually do.
I am curious though, how was the communication between the two of you really? I would think that anything regarding the kids would be conversation relevant even if he wasnt a part of the decision making process.
I try very hard with BF to discuss everything regarding children. Sometimes it means nothing more than having a conversation, but he is included in that part of my life like any other and the same with his children.
Anyway...just thinking out loud here.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
The more we resist, the more they have to spew. To push harder, until we stop resisting.
It doesnt mean they dont care. It doesnt mean they dont worry about us or our kids. It doesnt mean they are unfeeling monsters and whether we want to believe it or not...this process hurts them just as much as it hurts us.
not my experience: I have detached, and moved on with my life, and am pretty happy my xh still spews if he gets any chance. He also shows (nearly nine years on) virtually no concern for his children, and certainly not for me. I would say he was angry, more than anything else, possibly at himself, but certainly projecting it on to those who were once closest to him.
I still think it is MLC, but I think they pretty much stop caring about anything and everyone. As to whether they hurt or not I do not know. I am sorry if they do: I wouldn't want anyone to feel the hurt I initially experienced.
But he is married to someone else, and I would hope he is happy!!
We are all on the same tribe, for sure. There is no one outside of here, that I know of, that could understand all we go through.
I hope you were able to get back to sleep, Matt!
Thanks for stopping by
Cat,
Quote:
I am curious though, how was the communication between the two of you really? I would think that anything regarding the kids would be conversation relevant even if he wasnt a part of the decision making process.
Our communication was fairly good, overall (or so I thought)....until the last 2 years. It cold have been better, for sure.
We weren't expert communicators, but we always discussed money, kids, plans, things that were bothering us. Everything that was day to day involving the kids, school, medical, schedule, money... was all discussed and agreed upon. We rarely disagreed.
What we didn't discuss together was my kids relationship with their dad, and we rarely talked about xh at all. Only logistics....if he was going to see them etc.
It took me a long time to get past some things that happened in my first M, and H and I didn't want to waste energy on xh or the past. I thought I had dealt with everything in counseling, separate from our M.
H never bad-mouthed my xh. But he knew what happened, and talking about it would make him upset. So we left the topic of xh alone as much as possible.
I went back and read emails and there is a huge difference in our communication from before and after MLC
I can remember a specific event that I first realized something was way off....
I brought up an issue regarding the kids, and H reaction just didn't make sense. Not only that, but he just couldn't get past it. And we ended up turning the car around and skipping a barbecue because of the argument. This was not us at all.
bea,
Thank you for your perspective. I can't imagine being spewed at any chance possible.
In regards to cat's thoughts about how the MLCer/WAS "feels' and thinks....I'm certain that in many cases that is true. I know I can't imagine ANYONE in crisis or not, not feeling some kind of remorse or hurt or even concern for the person they have spent most of their lives M to. At the same time, in my case and in many others on the board, it seems the darker and more "detached" I/they become, the worse my W seems to get. As I go darker and in my case I couldn't get much darker at all (I haven't initiated a single interaction unless it was about the kids in at least 6-8 weeks. I do respond to her when she texts or calls but that happens almost never) the more withdrawn and less caring she becomes.
I do believe totally that they see what they are doing as trying to "fix" something in their lives that they feel they must fix, I know that is the case with my W. But at the same time they ARE doing horrible things TO the LBS, even if it isn't the "main" reason, a part of them must see that what they are doing hurts the LBS badly, worse than almost anything that has happened to them before in their entire lives. In my W's case she said she needed to "find my joy", to me, if finding joy means hurting so many, their S, their kids, family, etc. how in the world can you expect to find and enjoy any joy you may find? There would have to be guilt as well. When my W was depressed, one of the things that she had to work on in IC was "inappropriate feelings of guilt". She would talk about how she felt guilty about all kind of things but could never say exactly what. Her IC would give her exercises on how to overcome this. How would doing things that guilt may be an appropriate response help? And why would the fact that the LBS is leaving them alone cause them to be even more selfish and uncaring?
I see in shining's case, her H DOES seem to feel badly about what he is doing, even see's how he is hurting her but just is unable to stop or feels that he must move forward to 'fix" his life. Their latest talk shows that he somewhat see's what he is doing is hurtful and feels some remorse. In many other cases (including my own) there is none of that. In fact as the LBS goes darker or detaches the worse they become. There doesn't seem to be ANY understanding that what they have/are doing is at all hurtful. And in my case I know that in the past my W was very aware of how her actions affected other people and she was always careful not to do or say things to hurt others and if she did, was very remorseful. Like Wonka says, the empathy chip seems to be broken, if only when it comes to me.
Sorry to hijack, shining. This is just a subject that has been on my mind. I think if my W sent me a "game request" I'd have a heart attack! It's just hard for me to see her at all thinking/feeling anything close to hurt or guilt over what she is doing and I also see that in many other sitchs. Not to take anything away from cat. She is right in what she says in many cases. But I also think in many others there is none of that.
Matt, I don't know that my H feels any more or less guilt than your W. It's impossible for anyone to ever know, besides them and God. She may feel differently than she lets you see. But that doesn't have to affect how you live YOUR life. It really doesn't. But only you can decide that, and be open to seeing it differently. Until then, it will affect you. I can see it hurting you.
We'll drive ourselves crazy trying to attach motives and reasons, because it's all speculation anyway. They don't think like us right now. We don't see the world through their eyes. They don't see it through ours. They just can't right now. They're coping differently. That's why we're supposed to focus on ourselves. We can't fix it. But this time doesn't have to be wasted. I believe this with everything I have.
I journal, I write about conversations, and I naturally wonder what's going on with H. It's part of my process. But I don't stay there as long anymore because it doesn't serve me well. So, now I try my best to let the feeling pass through.
When I track things and listen when H rambles, I can post it here for feedback. If it helps someone, great. If I get advice and a different perspective for me? Even better.
Others here can sift through my junk and point things out that I can't see. In order to learn and grow, I have to be open to their opinions, and choose take them or leave them.
Hang in there, Matt. And really try to hear what the vets are saying. Did you hear about the bacon on the other side????
Well....I received a text this morning, and it shows a pretty good example of the level of blame H is currently at...or..."the new spew."
It's not bad. It's not really at me. But it's still focused outward, of course. It can't be him.
A bit of background, first.
My kids are perfect. Flawless. Ok, I'm kidding. Of course they're not. They're kids, and they're human. I'm trying to convey that I'm not just mom boasting cluelessly about her kids....they certainly have their faults.
My life experience has been with thousands of kids, ranging all across the board of different ages and backgrounds. I am fortunate to have a vast perspective. Based on that, I believe that mine are truly pretty exceptional.
They are kind, respectful, loving, smart, funny, connected....and H fell in love with them easily. They all had their own unique R with him. He used to tell people in many ways, they were the kids he always wanted. Even in recent years, he continued to say this. He used to say D13 was the daughter he never had....awkward, since he has a D19.....
My ILs also commented on my kids, and how impressed they were. Teachers, coaches, other parents from parties, etc. I'm fortunate that they have not once been in any trouble ....knock on wood. I'm very proud of them.
So, when the chit starting going south, many different things were thrown into the blame soup.
My parenting style was different than his. He was more knit-picky regarding the quality of work regarding their chores. I was more concerned with their intent, did they really try their best, and teaching them, "ok, here's where this can improve next time". I didn't want shaming and fear to play into stuff for them. Ever again.
I started to feel H expected unreasonable standards.....professional landscape quality of lawn-care from a 13 year old, as well as professional housecleaning level oops-you-missed-a-speck. I understand teaching and improving, obvious mistakes or oversights. But I began to insert myself when I felt the line of appropriate expectation was crossed into shaming.
H said I was too easy on them. In the last years, H went so far to say they were completely disrespectful, lazy, spent too much time on computer, and I am letting them destroy their lives by not holding them accountable. Wwhhhhaaaatttt???
I now see that was possibly projecting, because my kids are thriving nicely, so far.... while his are struggling, they have a different attitude about life in general, and have many self-destructive behaviors. IMO.
My SIL is a counselor. She knows H well. She used to bring up concerns to me that H could likely be jealous, and she worried about his regrets regarding his kids. I didn't understand then.
I see so many things differently now. I could have handled things much differently. I see now how he was feeling. I was very protective of how my kids were treated. Old baggage, I suppose.
So, after the card exchange, and my no-hug....which was an obvious 180, I got this today:
H: You looked great yesterday. It's hard for me to see you. We could have been so good. But we can't be a couple. There is so many things that can't be undone and I will never forget. I'm not angry but I must force my self to separate away from the things that made me and S21 so miserable.
You know I like kids and am generally good with kids but I no longer will no longer consider anyone with kids under their roof after what I went through. Never again. I feel very taken advantage of and I can't go that road again. Again I'm not mad anymore.... It just is and those are my boundaries.
(He is famous for saying, "it is what it is". I always hated that, seemed like a cop-out to me.)
Hmmm. Spinning, spinning, spinning.... I'm out the way .
I remember coming on here, and wanting to find commonalities in behaviors and conversations, until I could figure this out.
I still can't figure this out. Which means...I may be figuring this out. Right?
It's just hard for me to see her at all thinking/feeling anything close to hurt or guilt over what she is doing and I also see that in many other sitchs.
Matt, your W and mine have a lot of similarities, so take this possibility...she does feel guilt, maybe not remorse, that comes later... if/when they hit rock bottom.. but she ain't there yet.
My W feels a LOT of guilt, and sadness, she has said it repeatedly... so much that she is running hard and fast from those feelings, pushing them down and creating a wall around them until she can deal with it, if she ever can.
Contact with me or the kids reminds her of those feelings, what she is doing. She has to/wants to see the kids, so, guess who she HAS to drop, to AVOID overwhelm????
^^^ straight from stbxw's mouth.....
And I am glad there is little contact now, TBH... contact, especially voice or in person, slows down MY healing.
She is doing what she has to do for herself.
I am doing what I have to do for myself and our kids.
Get out of her head, it's scary in there.... and get into yours.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
You have perfect kids?? Send them for a visit:-)Mine have some flaws although I just wish people would pick their clothes up off the floor and brush their teeth. I set the bar high!!
Funny. I notice amongst many MLCers that phrase "things can't be undone" is utttered. That and "I/we can't go back." Logic speaking. The reality is that you can NEVER go back-regardless of who you are. The past is the past and it can be rewritten mentally or verbally, but you can never go back. However, they clutch on to that like a life jacket. I think that is what helps them *shedding of the old life* process. You always have to start over and that is why I think so many find it easier to run. They can write the story they choose. Just a guess.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Wait..... What age are they supposed to start brushing their teeth??? Is that soon??
Clothes on the floor saves in furniture expenses and vacuuming, anyway. Right? Lol.
Yes, the phrases. Some of the first, and most repeated, the "we can't go back" "things can't be undone". If I had a nickel...
I agree with your theory on the shedding. It helps me feel like it makes sense, anyway.
It really is interesting as a "study" kinda thing, this MLC. The clothing choices are particularly baffling, especially your case study. I'm picturing my H new bachelor pad and attempting to "entertain".... And I can't get the image out of my head, of the old SNL skit with Steve Martin and Dan Akroyd as "two wahld and crazeh gahzs!!!" That's kinda twisted.
You know - when they are in crisis, they try to find a reason, an excuse, why they had to leave - something that makes them not feel so bad about themselves.
I've heard a lot of ridiculous things (me ex told me I walked too heavy. One woman here was told it was because she was too fat - at 5'8" 124 lbs!!!)
Clearly, if your H used to say those kinds of things about your kids, he didn't really cheat because of the kids. Yes, step-parenting is hard, and some people don't realize that as step-parents, they have to step back and defer to the bio parent's parenting style. And there may well have been conflict between the two of you once his kids also entered the mix. But none of that is really what's going on here, it's just a smoke screen.
In addition, his comment about your D being the "D he always wanted".......well, that's just weird, given the circumstances. Makes me wonder how much of his affection for your kids was real, and how much was "the act".
My sister's first husband was/is a sociopath - not an obvious one, but a sociopath nonetheless (read The Sociopath Next Door for a good description). One of his characteristics was a chameleon-like ability to blend in - he seemed like such a loving husband with all the same interests as my sister, but behind her back he complained bitterly about her and he never continued any of those interests once they split. (Now he's working on getting married a fourth time, and just doesn't understand why his fiancee is upset that he conveniently omitted telling her about his third marriage - the only one he didn't have kids from, so I guess he thought he could get away without mentioning it??? lol).
The reasons for our S changed so often... H big complaint, "deal-breaker" in MC back in January, was that I was "against" his S21.
S21 and I actually got along very well. We had great talks. He confided in me often, and sought me for advice. He trusted me. We disagreed about his behaviors, and general household respect. S21 was used to a house that swore often (in front of my kids) and threw things in anger. I did not want that in my house. That was our impasse.
H did not address this, instead blamed me, and I felt betrayed and unprotected. Before S21 moved in, H was completely different. I probably was, too. Whether it was due to S21, H, or me, the overall chemistry changed big time. Something triggered then. Idk.
At the time of MC in January, nothing had begun to be addressed yet. Also, my issues with S21 were not complicated, and were easily fixable. S21 and I have since worked through them. (S21 experienced the H crazy spewing, I wasn't there to blame, and suddenly I'm not seen as so bad.)
H said I had anger issues. That one threw me a bit... I didn't believe I did. No yelling, name-calling, I don't get confrontational. But, in the recent years, whenever I disagreed with him, H said I scared him. "I'm scared of you right now." I believe he did feel that way. I don't believe I caused it. Not anymore.
Pretty much every excuse H used at the time of S or suicide attempt, has been either fixed, or removed from his life. Time will tell if he ever looks inward.
Pre MLC? H said I was too hard on myself, and I often owned other's problems. Agreed and valid.
Here's a wrench.....
On 2 separate occasions, (suicide attempt and S) my SIL and a close friend, mentioned to me the possibility of H being in a sort of "crisis" before I came into the picture. They wondered if it's possible that he was interrupted by our R, and now he may be back into it.
I don't discuss our sitch with anyone. I don't even see them anymore.
I wasn't here to see how H was before I was here, obviously....so who knows.
H family... 4 parents and 4 sibs....all said he came out of a "low point" when he met me. They were so happy to have the "old H" back again. I heard that all the time. He was smiling and joking again. Was I a bandaid? How awful of a thought.
Who knows. I can only deal with what I have today, I guess.
T, The childhood before-loss happy place? I have thought about it. I'm having trouble defining it, though. It's not an obvious thing for me, such as summers at a cabin.
The list of 20 things about myself from my childhood.... I just need to write them, but that one seems easy for me.
So, I felt the lasso....
Time to put away the crazy and focus on me, huh... Dang, I get sucked in easily.
Well, you've been through a lot with the house closing and all the past few days, it was just a gentle reminder
Maybe just go with the list, but picture that girl/young woman (this is where old photos really help)... what did she look like? What did she do on a rainy Saturday afternoon?? Get the picture?
I'm punny, sometimes...
Last edited by TSquared2; 09/24/1406:19 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Picture, huh....hmmmmm. I know where those are. I'll get the picture....ugh.
She was kinda cute, in a bouncy kinda hot-mess Tigger-way. Spunky little thing. Talked to strangers all the time.... Singing, dancing, wore dresses in the sandbox, played equally with dolls and plastic army men.... Messy room, but when she cleaned, it was spotless. Not a care in the world and everyone everywhere was always happy, as far as she knew, lol. Cue the Disney music.
I'll finish my list and post later.
I'm about to get my "Interview Costume" on. I'll bring my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-worth today, too.
Now, where did I just see those ....gotta be here somewhere....
Second interview next week. The office is far away, though...26 miles. Over an hour with traffic. But, I'm open to whatever is put in front of me. Who knows where things may lead. I can't see the future from here....right?
Cooking dinner for the hungry boys.... D13 is working concessions with friends. Then I'll get my BOOTS on for more digging.
This mirror stuff, though......I'm noticing things I do, both past and present, that don't serve me well. I'm feeling some guilt for not doing better before, but realizing how ....let's see how I want to word this so I stay gentle....
I am learning so many wonderful ways to do better going forward.
Ok, so, the mirrors and all. I completely understand what you are saying. I was the queen and I mean, queen of looking back at what I did and being unable to move past it at times. The guilt I felt was paralyzing. It was soul crushing.
It took a lot of work and that chit was hard. Really hard. I had to face things I did not want to face. I had to remember things I did not want to remember.
But this is what I finally figured out and accepted. I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time. If I knew better and was able to do better, I know I would have.
Then I realized that whatever I did or didnt do was never with the intent to hurt or cause harm to my h or my marriage. That mattered to me.
Looking back on all of that is so clear from where you stand now. It wasnt when you were in the thick of it.
The thing about guilt is that it doesnt change anything. The thing about regret is that it keeps you stuck. I know because I lettered in both of them. Trust me on that. Man, I couldnt let that go for the longest time.
Then I looked within. I mean really deep inside. I began to understand that I did what I knew. That doesnt change it either. It just made it clearer.
I learned to only own what I should own and only my stuff. Could I have done better? Ayep. Did I make mistakes? Hellz yea. But I loved him deeply and true. That I know without one doubt.
The real sad thing would be to not learn from the past. Now you know better, so you will do better.
We just do the best we can and hopefully some peace comes from knowing we do.
uR, seriously, why do I cry at all of your posts? No...blubbering sometimes.....The fact that you understand.... I mean REALLY understand. You have been exactly where I am, I believe this. And I trust what you say because you speak to my core. And I see where I can get to, moving forward, through the hard stuff, because you did it. And then, I think of the fact that you care to come here and help people like me, the way you do. And it is such a beautiful thing I cry. I didn't used to be a crier.... well, THAT came back to haunt me, lol.
Thank you. As always. Dang this is hard. And I still love the freaking chit outa that fool.
You got that right, UR. Couldn't have said it better myself. Think I'll print it out and put it somewhere I can see it! Sometimes I just need a little reminder...
Me 53, XH 57 M 20 (+1.5) years, no kids BD June '13 H moved out July '13 Confirmed long-suspected PA Feb '14 H filed for D Nov. '14 D March '15
Oh Shining, thank you for your words. I am sorry it brought you to tears.
There is something about you that resonates with me. I cant quite explain it.
But yes, I have been where you are. I remember the pain and the inner turmoil.
I remember how hard I was on myself. How badly I felt about myself.
The very best thing I did for me was to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes.
As I have written, I will never forget the people who helped me here. They were, quite simply, amazing.
I want to tell you a story. My son has a lot of health issues. Some pretty serious ones. I was financially devastated by things my h did both before and during the divorce.
I was at a very, very low point. If it wasnt for my core of friends on here, I dont know how I would have gotten through it.
One day I mentioned in passing how I wished I could give my son, who has been through so much in his young life, a flat screen TV. That was something he had wanted for a long time. It was something I couldnt afford and didnt know when I would ever be able to.
I didnt think anything of having mentioned that. It was around Cnristmas time and we must have been talking about it on here.
Sometime after that, my son called me at work screaming. "Mom, there is a delivery here. It's unbelievable. It's a flat screen TV!!!!"
I said, "Oh sweetie, Im sorry, there must be some mistake."
He said, "No, mom, there is a note. It mentions you and me."
When I came home, I found him sitting with the box in front of him.
The note read, "Son's name, your mother is an amazing woman, however, none of us need to tell you that for you to know it.
Please accept this as our gift to both of you - as a symbol of everything that is and can remain right in the world. A token of our love for you both. When you see reality over fantasy and the world feels like it is caving in on you, remember that if you can have faith in what is right in the world, you will never be wrong. We all love both of you."
Shining, I cannot tell you what that meant to us. At a time when I didnt know how I would survive, to have people I had never met do this for my son and I was unbelievable. They wanted to remain anonymous. I was told there were many who wanted to contribute.
To say it impacted our lives is an understatement. My son cried when I read the note out loud. He said, "Mom, how is this possible? I have never heard of anything like this."
These boards were a lifesaver for me. I have made deep, lifelong friendships from here.
To come back and help out others is the very least that I have the honor to be able to do.
I have had an incredible journey. I have come from a very, very, dark place.
I see wonderful things in you, S. I cant wait to see where you land.
I just did triple salchow, triple toe loop (in feathers and sequins) in honor of your interview. Wahoo! Good for you:-). I know you will stick the landing on the next round.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Your story is wonderful. I'm not the least bit surprised that the people here would want to do that for you. Smiling.
I hope your son is doing well. I'll bet he's a remarkable young man. Is he near you?
My oldest 2 are about to fly the nest. I'm freaking out a bit about that. At the same time, I can feel it's the right time. They're ready.
My guilt comes and goes. I have guilt that I wasn't able to do for them what I planned, for college, graduation....keep my first marriage together. That we're shoved into a 2br apartment with 5 of us during their Sr. year in HS. That we were alone at graduation with no family because mine are out of state, and none of H came.
I look back at how excited they were when I first introduced them to H. There was so much hope and promise of new great things....and we had that. It was everything I ever wanted for us. And then one day, it all disappeared. And I feel responsible. Like I promised them something, this "family"....this "life" and I didn't deliver. I failed.
They have never once made any type of comment toward me that was negative about this whole situation. They sure could. They have some anger at H. Shoot, they probably have anger at me they don't even realize yet. But I don't touch their R with H. Same as my xh..that's theirs to fix or not.
They also have compassion. They know H suffers. They know it's no free pass to do hurtful things. They're trying to understand something that can't be explained. They are definitely learning. We all are. They just want their mom happy.
I also have guilt about my M with H. It must have been so much pressure for him, all of us under one roof. It wasn't at first. It was rather seamless, the way it fit. But it became that way....stressful for H. And I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it better for everyone.
H and I ...even my mom and H.... talked so much in the beginning, about what it would mean for him to be their SDad. How much of a commitment it would be. What it would look like. The noise. The mess. The driving.
I believe, at the time, he really wanted it. He was amazing to us. Then he wasn't. It wasn't perfect. But I really thought we were happy...in a better than normal kinda way.
I also have guilt because part of me is afraid....that maybe he didn't want it. He wanted me. And he was willing to try to be that guy for me, but he couldn't sustain it. That I put pressure on him to be someone he wasn't. I thought he was happy. What if I missed it? How can I be so far off? How could I expect H to do all he did? I thought I was appreciative....overly, at times. Maybe in the wrong way?
Then, I come here. And I read back through things. I remember this would have happened with or without me in the picture. I'm trying to get that to sink in. It's just unbelievable how quickly life and everything we know just goes away.
This board is truly a lifesaver. I don't know what I would do without it, and everyone here. Especially you, uR.
My son lives with me. He is an extraordinary young man...warm, loving, kind and compassionate. He is my biggest blessing in this life. Still struggles with his health and other things. He has been through a great deal. But he is ok, thank you.
I know it is so hard when they leave. But it's what we want for them - wings to soar.
I know the guilt is so difficult. Life rarely works out the way we plan. It isnt a lacking in you that it didnt, S. It just goes that way sometimes no matter our best intentions. But I know it hurts, as a mother, not to have things go as we hope. We want so much for our children.
I remember one time I said to my son, when I was early into this, "I am sorry I couldnt keep our family together. It wasnt what I wanted nor what I hoped. For you...or me." He said, "Mom, you love me so much. I know that without a single doubt. I know you didnt want this because I know how much you love your family. But it is going to be ok as long as you are."
You didnt fail, S. You didnt. You loved and you lived and then this crisis was destined to happen. You couldnt love it away. It started long before you were married.
Your kids may have some anger towards you and they may not. But they know they are loved and that matters. It speaks volumes about them that they dont make you feel badly about any of it and they have compassion for him. And you are right, they just want you to be happy.
Good for you for not touching their relationship with your h. T
No, you couldnt fix it or make it better for everyone. You dont have that kind of power, sweetie, and it's not your job.
You didnt imagine what you had. Those memories were real. Dont let this taint them. He loved you. You loved him. It happened.
This doesnt have anything at all to do with that. I know that is so hard to believe, but, it's true. You dont become someone else without going through a crisis. You just dont.
Please dont do this to yourself. He was an adult. He made the decision to marry you. You could have been perfect. It wouldnt have mattered. He was broken and it spilled over.
It is unbelievable how this happens. How your life changes in a moment.
That's why it is important not to waste this opportunity to make something out of the devastation. It's what we have to do in order to make some sense of it.
You will come out the other side, Shining, and you will be better than ok.
Thank you, uR. The wave of guilt, at least the most recent wave....has past. This cycling of grief and loss...I'm sure I'm kinda normal there.
I really don't have much in my life for "things". I appreciate having them, but I know I don't need them. If I ever did think so, I certainly got over the losing of things with my xh. I walked away from everything just to be out and have my 4 kids. We had our clothes, and their beds.
Amazing how quickly our priorities can change in an instant.
So, I feel like I'm complaining a bit about the changes we've had. I feel I'm having a pity party off and on. And I am. (Cue that lasso, again.)
But, I realize how much we DO have. I really have nothing to complain about. I am grateful for the precious things money can't buy.
I asked myself, if 7 years ago, someone told me that my kids and I could go on an adventure, feel great love, have a wonderful, caring extended family, and all the experiences that we've had in the past 6-7 years.....but then it would be gone. Would I still do it.
Yep.
Those years had a lot of wonderful stuff I wouldn't trade for the world. What a gift. No matter how long or short our M last. It's all a gift.
Until the next wave hits me....I'm enjoying this one.
Take "her" list, and now compare it to "yours" (the present)...
What's different? Why? How did that come to pass?
What is the same? Why? How did that survive?
Now merge them...put anything that is on "her" list on "your" list that is not already there.
You just expanded things you like about yourself... (hmm, nice!)
Because "she" is still, always has been, inside you. She has maybe been pushed away from your attention by life's events, trials, experiences... but she is still there. Her voice maybe not loud enough to be heard by all the other stuff...but she is there.
She wants your attention, to be heard again, to be part of your life again...
Spend some time with her, and your new+old merged list, I think you will see something really cool...
My bit is done here for now.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I was sad for my "him"... but he is very happy now being back and heard and brings a lot of his optimism, wonder, mischievousness, simple joys into the present.
I have a nice collage picture that my grandfather made from that summer with "him" smiling and joyful, I put that in my bedroom where I see it first thing every morning when I get out of bed...
Last edited by TSquared2; 09/25/1404:27 PM.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Shining- I'm catching up on your thread and wow- I am at the exact same place. I really don't want to see him, I can't believe he's like an excited teenager to show me his apartment and the cool features like pool view- without a thought as to how that might make me feel. I have to say you handled it better than I did- I didn't show it to him but I felt angry and bitter for a day or so- have now let it go.
My H keeps saying the same things about " making it right, and doing the right thing". I think that's their guilt talking. Maybe it's part of a lucid moment away from alienville.
In any case your postings and sharing are really helping me because they are so similar to where I and H are at. Thank you as always for being so open with your struggles. And thanks to the vets who are helping- I'm learning much!!!
Rock on with the job interview- hoping it works out for you!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Had some back and forth with H. He was all supportive and communicating throughout the afternoon, sporadically.....
Then just now, he said he wants a D.
It started when his texts were coming in from a separate thread on my phone. I asked if that was still his phone. He was confused. I tried to explain, and then he asked for a screenshot. So I sent a screenshot of incoming texts, showing his name on the list twice.
The other names were my children, and his D19, who is jokingly listed in my phone with a male name...her request. I didn't think about it sending the screenshot.
Then H sent: Tell (male name) I said hi
I ignored that.
Then H sent: You are going to need to talk to xh and get your kids on his insurance. I'd like to file for divorce soon. The only open issue is your car.
Me: (male name) is not a date. I'm not dating.
H: regardless
Me: what changed?
H: Nothing. Now things are cleaner and don't need lawyers. I can't go back. I am very physically attracted to but I can't get over how you acted about many things. I resent things including some of your kids. It just won't work. H: Too much poison. Sorry
Oooooooohhhhh... Shining... I'm so sorry. My heart sank when I read your post. It is so difficult... I am sorry. I know that feeling, like your chest is caving in, like it is hard to get a good breath because your chest is so tight. I felt that when I read this.
To be honest, "Now what?" Well I don't have the answer for that. Whatever happens, just know that you will be ok. Remember, it is just a piece of paper. The feelings he feels and you feel do not change because you have simply signed a paper.
I don't know if this will help, but I just got to a place where I just thought that I would just let him go. He would get the d and then maybe he would see that feelings don't change. I thought that, in a way, it would be OK, because he would feel that with the legal "ties" done, he would feel like the pressure was off, but realize that his feelings were no different. That helped me to accept the process. I felt that if I did that and he came back, it was because he wanted to.
OK, now, I am not trying to compare our sitches NOR say yours will turn out like mine (at all).... however, I shared that because it just helped me get through the process mentally.
I don't mean to rush to that and say this is what is going to happen; things could change any time. But, emotionally, I think you are so strong and that you will be fine.
He is a fool. No doubt about it.
As for what to do now, I'm sorry I can't help, and I'm sure no one would want MY help in that sitch!!!! I am sure someone much wiser than me will be by soon with words of wisdom. Just like they seem to do around here (thank goodness!).
It's hard to not respond. I'm just sitting here with this.
It's almost impossible to hold back... It seems so logical to try and talk about things but I can't. So I'm in my room crying so my kids aren't in this. So it's just me.
I feel like I just want to pack up everything and move to my home state. I have no job here now. My 2 boys are moving onward with their lives. There are too many changes and too much pain and no friends or family. It's tempting, but I can't uproot my two younger kids now. But I have nothing else here and I feel completely abandoned and alone.
But nothing has really changed, so that's silly. I hate this.
Hey sweetie. I am sorry. No matter how prepared you think you are, it still hurts to hear those words.
It isnt really new information, though, right? I mean he thinks he doesnt want to be married and has acted that way.
They often have to follow through with everything. Leaving you didnt fix the unhappiness, ow didnt, getting his own apartment didnt. So he feels that he has to try the next thing.
Often they say it and dont do anything about facilitating it. But sometimes they move quickly.
You dont have to answer him if you dont feel like it.
Trying to stop it just makes them dig in harder. This doesnt mean this is over, my friend. It just means he needs to do this in order to figure himself out.
Shining, uR is right on. Those were the exact thoughts I had about my xh when he said he wanted to file. I think he felt exactly the way uR described, and it seems like your h is similar to that. I think that if things hadn't gotten so screwed up with xh's sitch, things would have been much different. Remember, when things became finalized, xh told me it wasn't a relief as he was crying (at work!).
I am only sharing that so you can remember that it does not mean that dbing has to end for you. You can still have hope. But, you just need to take care of you. That is the MOST IMPORTANT thing right now. It hurts, but you have to think about you, not him.
I know it's not about me, but my heart isn't getting it.
Everyday I wake up and it's another day I'm rejected. By the one person I love so much and want to be with.
And it's such a waste of everything. Although, it probably isn't, because I know I have to learn from this, and so does he. But it feels pointless to be apart.
My head knows how this works. But my heart hurts. I'm all over, I know.
I just remembered H said he went to the doctor today. He hasn't been since July.
Maybe something happened there idk. This just came out of nowhere today, in the middle of just normal back and forth texting.
It doesn't matter. None of this matters. It's all so stupid. I just have to get him out of my head. But every fiber of my being wants to run into his arms like an idiot.
Thank you, Mighty. I know you and uR are right. And it's super stupid because I knew this was likely going to come up. It was a matter of time. I'm completely melting down because I saw the word on a text?? How ridiculous. I need to be prepared to be served, I suppose. This was nothing. I don't know why I'm so upset. I guess part of me thought maybe he wouldn't do it. My denial kicking in. The timing of it seemed to be knee-jerk on his end. He rarely texts back immediately after I send to him. And that "say hi" comment was instantaneous. I think he was lashing out, but I think he will follow through and do it. I need to get stronger.
Man, this is taking me back... to a place I don't like. I got it through text too. Same here- caught off guard.
We never know what they are thinking, Shining. I know I still try to figure it out, but it makes more sense to figure ourselves out.
You never know what will happen with him. I'm sorry your kids are seeing you cry. Don't beat yourself up. You have to process this and it is very emotional.
It is stupid. You are not an idiot for wanting to run into his arms. That is totally normal. Those are the arm you thought would protect you. And you are feeling so down now, you'd think he'd be the one to catch you. It is difficult to adjust to not having those "arms" there anymore. But you will get there. Let it out. Feel it. Let yourself go through this.
You will get stronger.
Did I already say he was a fool? Umm... well it is worth it again.
Shining I'm so sorry- I remember that punch to the gut feeling. I too felt it again reading those words.
It may not help but just because they say it- doesn't mean it will happen. My H filed Oct 10 last year. Three times now he has gone back and forth and said he really needs to finalize the D in order to move on or start over with me. He hasn't done it yet. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. The times that he seems to bring it up again are usually after a particularly difficult IC session he has, or when I stop DBing as effectively and get emotional. I've come to understand that it's all about his own pain and need to escape. And he has a fantasy that we can still be friends and hang out and maybe even more even if we D. They are all still in alienville for sure!
Sorry for hijacking with my details but I thought they might help.
Big big big hugs!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Shining, you are so hard on yourself. You are sad. It is a sad thing. It's ok to feel that way. I know that there is always hope that it isnt going to happen.
So, it's ok for your kids to see you cry. You dont want them to think it isnt ok to be upset over all of this. What would that say to them? You just dont want it to be all the time, then they get concerned.
I really dont think I would text him. What would you say,really?
Let it sit. Tomorrow could be very different. He is struggling. You can feel it, right?
I know it is hard to have your heart and head reconciled. One affects the other and its hard to untangle that.
He isnt rejecting you. He is hating himself. He cannot feel better. It is really sad.
Take care of you tonight. Cry, journal, have a glass of wine. Do whatever will comfort you. When you are ready...regroup.
Get back on your path. He needs to let this play out. You need to let him.
Shining, I know this is so hard. I am sorry it is. But I believe with all my heart that this was a journey you were meant to go on.
daring, no apology needed. It's not a highjack to me, and feel free to post anything. You, Mighty, everyone....you all are definitely helping by sharing your experiences and opinions. I welcome all of it. Even if I don't like what some may have to say, I appreciate the honest perspective. I have found that sometimes, it's the posts that rattle me a bit that get me looking deeper. I believe it gets me to think differently, and help me come out of this whole. Highjack away .
uR, I caught myself after my mind-dump....I was being hard on myself. I am starting to notice it more now. I'm hoping I'll be able to change that, little by little. I see what it does to me inside...it's not the direction I want my thoughts to go, for sure.
My kids used to see me cry when we went through the custody stuff, and dealing with xh before it all was final. I was so scared. Then I didn't cry much for years.
Crying isn't shameful in our house. But I don't want them to worry about me. And they do. I keep reassuring them that this is part of the process of grieving. I believe they understand. They don't like seeing me sad, though. And I think it makes my S18 more mad at H when he sees me hurting.
I didn't text H. (Thank you, pukedog). I can ABSOLUTELY feel him struggling. I can almost picture it. I hate that he has to go through this, because it isn't going to fix things inside of him.
I don't believe he would end our M if he could figure this out. But that's logic, and he can't see it now. I really do get that. I ache for him. The effects of his words and actions still hurt me. Not as long, and not as deep as before. I have to feel all of this, I know. All of this is a "have to". I just don't have to like it, right?
I wish I had wine tonight, lol!! I could use some. I think I've regrouped.
Glad you are regrouping some Shining- you really are doing awesome!
That pain they have, the " I can't go back to us" is so not about us but about their internal struggles. But d@mn it hurts!!
The more work I do on myself to discover my old wounds, the more I'm able to not " accept" the negative things that H has said about me and our M. I am far from perfect- but as UR said somewhere- we did the best we could with the tools and resources we had at the time.
NY sounds awesome- I might have to put that on my list for a girls trip!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Thanks, daring. I wish I felt awesome, but I'll get there. There is no alternative.
NY girls trip would be fun!! Do you travel with the girls often?
My trip will be myself and my S18. When he was 10 years old, he was doing a project on the Statue of Liberty. He asked me if I would take him there one day. I told him when he graduates HS we will go.
Well, that plan went on hold last spring....when life flipped upside down.
Then, this past summer, we all reevaluated our lives, naturally. After some long and deep discussions, S18 decided to change his original plans, and enlist to actively serve our country. Needless to say, I was unprepared for this.
He said he would not enlist if I was against it, out of respect for me. He had done his homework, beyond any depth of research he has ever done. He looked at everything, good, bad, ugly. I knew he just had to do this.
When he tested in, he scored very high. He had his pick of MOS...and he's going to do some pretty cool, high-level work one day. It is going to be a life changing experience for him. This is the beginning of his journey as an adult.
The house is sold. I have a little money from it. I have no job, but I have the time. He will be on active duty for 4 years. This is an opportunity we may never have again.
So, what the he//. We're doing it. Job or no job, I'll figure out a way to recover from he expense. I doubt I'll regret it.
I am sorry about the news from your h. As URworthy stated that even though it's not new info, I do understand that it hurts. You are a smart, funny, so wonderful lady who is a great mom. You are the prize. Maybe your h realizes that one day. Who knows? The person who needs to see what a prize you are is Shining. Sparkly, effervescent Shining.
Hang in there, my friend:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
That rejection thing? Yup, even though I was perfectly aware that stbxw could choose D, and that I was ready to accept that, and even though I was Mr. Sooper-Dooper detached (I kinda fooled myself a bit there), it slammed me hard when she finally made the decision.
And it still will creep up on me from time to time, though I know what UR said (which my stbxw verified in different words):
Quote:
He isnt rejecting you. He is hating himself. He cannot feel better. It is really sad.
But my ego still gets the better of me occasionally.
Look at that new merged list of yours... pretty sad he's willing to risk losing that, huh?
It's a process, it will get better, hang in there!
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I applauded you for taking this trip with your son. I am in the same boat as you right now with no job. Like you I am saying life is too short to stop living. I am planning a trip for early next month to do something I have always wanted to do but couldn't. Right now is our time to live and move forward. We can't let this stuff drag us down.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
At first, I was going back and forth deciding about the trip. After committing to do it, and then reading the support here....I'm even more certain it's the right thing to do.
"START SPREADIN' THE NEWWWWWWWWWS......."
Update from today: H would normally (preMLC) make a plan and follow through the next day, until it's done. I was afraid I would hear more about splitting things and D plans today. Nope. Not a word about it.
Soooooo.........I'm glad you all held me off from responding. Who knows what will happen, and if he'll file. I'm in a better place to accept whatever comes. Not completely ready....what with me being human and all... But better.
H and I started the day with word games, but no texting. Late this afternoon, he started texting.
He said he wanted me to come over tonight. Then he sent another text and said he can't.
I responded.
Me: No worries. Are u ok?
H: I'm ok.
Me: I'm glad your ok.
H: I am going to lay low and take care of me.
Me: good for you.
H: I will be cleaning instruments and posting on eBay, hang with dog and chill. I need that.
Me: Thank you for telling me. Have a good night.
Then this....
H: I'm ridiculously attracted to you.
Me: Thank you. I am he same. Very attracted to you, too.
Then nothing for a couple of hours. I had a weird feeling. I sent one more, I probably shouldn't have.
Me: I won't bother you tonight. I heard you, and I'll give you your space. If you ever get dark thoughts again, I can be a friend, no pressure.
H: thank you.
So, I'm home. Fun Festive Friday night of laundry and cleaning my closet..... I may even get wine. I'm feeling better.
Hey Shining... I'm glad you held off. Usually when we respond, we thing, 'Oh, shoot! Why didn't I wait to hear back from him/her?'
Well, it seems like he is thinking about things. The best thing to do is to just let him. You know that. I think it is best for you. It was for me. The more space I gave, the stronger I became.
You are strong, though. You are good. I am so glad you planned the trip. My s is 17 and things are so different than we planned. I get it. It is like, sometimes I just do stuff, just because. There are things we had planned that we can't, yet there are things we would have talked about but xh would have put the kibosh on. So... I just go with it. I am proud of some of the things we have done.
I am so glad for you. You guys will remember this forever. You won't regret it. You probably would regret it if you didn't.
I'm very happy for you, Shining. That's so cool. You guys will have a great time. And a fantastic time to visit NY!
Just catching up. Sorry about your text from H. I know it's hard to always remember it's not about you. Hang in there. Let him work out what he needs to. Hopefully he'll see that you are wonderful!
Read the book "Excuse Me, Your Life is Waiting" by Lynn Grabhorn. It's really good and positive. It teaches you how to think positive and how to come out of the sad and negative moods. I really enjoyed it.
I'm glad to hear about you and s18 taking a trip. That will be so wonderful for you both! Thinking and praying for you!!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I just downloaded the book, Ats . Wow, yeah..... I need this one. Thank you.
I'm spinning my wheels a little bit....trying to use this "gift" of time to it's fullest. I've been to several interviews, and I'm advancing to second and third rounds.... But I'm freaking out a little.
I hate to say it.....but I'm not sure I want to stay in the profession I'm in. I'm not feeling it's where I belong anymore. I can't explain it.
I can do this stuff with my eyes closed. But it's not the least bit fulfilling. I get into my car after these interviews, and I feel like I'm coming out of my skin, thinking of working at these places.
I just have this feeling it's not where I'm supposed to be ....I probably sound like a weirdo. But I'm tuning in carefully right now.
So much has changed already, and continues to change in my life. Maybe I'm meant to reevaluate my direction, too. Or, maybe I'm thinking too deep....
Here's the thing: I'm looking at my "merged list" and I'm seeing some very telling stuff.....I lost a lot of myself when I changed careers 8 years ago.
Not sure whether this warrants a full-on change. Just something to consider.
Shining- I didn't used to do girls trips ever. I always spent my time with family. But a little before and since BD I have gone on some ( sometimes with friends, sometimes my daughter) and found its a great time to unwind. Some are big trips and some are just a day or two. No matter what happens with H and my M, I think I will keep those trips up. What a special thing to do for your son- and for yourself! Can't wait to hear about it.
Ats that book sounds great- I'm going to have to look it up!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
Hey S. First of all, good job on the texting. But yea, let him lead. It's good to just let him say his thing and leave it. He knows exactly where you are, ya know?
Ok, this is so strange. I have felt a connection from the start with you. It happens every once in awhile for me.
I am feeling exactly as you are right now. I have been doing my job for a very long time. I loved it for a long time. But I have been feeling like it isnt where I should be any longer.
But I have put off doing anything about it for several reasons. They have now cut my hours so they dont have to give me medical benefits. It is the second time they have done this.
I feel like the universe is trying to get me to hear what I have been feeling for some time.
I feel as if I am being pulled somewhere else. I cant quite explain it.
I am on a new journey of trying to sort this all out. It is a difficult one because of my age and my skillset.
But it is so strong..this feeling that I should be doing something else. It is very unsettling and scary, to be honest. I just keep praying for direction.
So, no you arent crazy. Or maybe we both are. LOL!
I, too, hesitate to do anything different.....age and qualification. I feel I'm being pulled to do something with more meaning, more aligned with who I am meant to be. And my resume.....that ain't it.
The resume? It's what I can do. It's not who I am.
If it makes me like you, I'll take crazy, any day!! Twice!
How are you going about sorting it out? I'm praying, waiting for answers, too. I have ideas, then I dismiss them...then they come back... Urgh.
I started a business when I was 27. I don't know who I thought I was....but I want her back, lol. It went for 11 years. I closed it when I D. I had to.
I know exactly where you are at with the job. I am in the same position. Every interview I go on I come out feeling like I will be settling. That I will just be trudging through life working towards the end.
I think part of the process we have been thrust into with our situations is looking at ourselves and asking what do we want to change. I know in my case I want more out of working. I don't want someone else deciding my life for me. I want to enjoy things and not just get up and go to work as it is right now.
I have decided to take the advice I have been giving my daughters as they get ready to head off to college. I have told them to find something the love. Don't look just for the dollars. Find something that they are drawn to, something that expresses who they are.
I am looking back at my experience right now. looking at the things I enjoyed doing, whether for a job or for fun. I will look at those things and figure out how I can support myself and my children. If I find a job that meets that requirement great. if I don't then I need to figure out how to create one.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hey, my friend. That girl is coming back. Can you feel it?
I am doing a lot of soul searching. I,too, want to do something with meaning and that fills me up. Financially, I am still in a big mess from all of this. Not sure that will ever be sorted out.
But I do know that my life is not where I want it to be right now. A large part of that is that I want to figure this out. It matters to me...who I am, what I have to offer.
I research a lot. I am reaching out more. This is too important. I am trying to find some direction.
Shinning When you feel something,,,take the time to really think on it before acting on it.
Do you have another type of career you would be interested in.
With my H MLC or whatever...it has opened my eyes as I started to focus on me and working on myself,,
Same is probably happening with you,,hang in there, think on it, pray on it, the answer will come.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Thank you, 2B. It is a thoughtful process, for sure....I'm hoping I'll look back on this time, and be grateful for these lessons. Right now, it's not so fun.
It's kind of like childbirth....like there's this excruciating pain one has to go through, to "birth" this new chapter of life..... I want an epidural, stat.
Ok, DB Dream-team,
Question regarding detachment, for anyone who has really gotten there....you, know, muffins and bacon and stuff:
For the most part, I'm ok being alone. It's not my preference, but I'm not running out there finding dates to fill this void.
I'm feeling this deep pit in my gut, and it boils down to the loss of companionship. That I don't have my best friend anymore just to bounce ideas off of, share funny moments about the kids or the dog, just everyday life things.
I know better than to go out and find a bandaid for my pain.
I think what I'm missing is the feeling of being connected to others. Besides this board, I have my kids and their activities, and no real outside connections.
I'm laying low with my IL's, and they know this and respect me for it. We were very close prior to S.
My friends are neutral, and respectful. But the sense that there's this elephant in the room, topic of H and I.... Makes it difficult to just "be". That's my own discomfort, I know. I am not "evolved" enough yet, for lack of better term, to be ok in my own skin around those that know our sitch. I'm getting there, but it won't happen overnight.
So, back to my question.......
What are some ways to overcome this feeling of disconnectedness?
How have others done this? (Assuming I didn't invent it. )
Once I'm more confident, I'm guessing it will get easier. Even if I felt 100% amazing about myself, I would still want to be connected to others.
I think the pit is still apprehension. You need to bite the bullet and start to do some things alone. Get out and push your boundaries. Do this without friends or family. Just you. Maybe something you did before marriage. Something you stopped doing. This will build your confidence that you are ok and can live your life. I know, I am having to push myself to do the same.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Yeah you have to GAL with friends, and or alone. It will feel strange to not have your H there and or worried about conversations with friends about your M.
But just find something and have some YOU time, enjoy yourself.
I had to smile and pretend for a while that everything was ok when I started to GAL, now its great fun and I look forward to my activities and yes I wish H was there to hang out, but he is not so I have as much fun as I can with my BFF's.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hope you did something fun this weekend to take your mind off the drama!
As far as looking for a new position- have you ever read " now discover your strengths" by Marcus Buckinham? When you get the book it includes access to taking the Clifton Strengths Finder test. This was really insightful for me- did it in a leadership class and things clicked for me as to why certain things motivate my passion. It's a different type of strengths assessment than Meyers Briggs etc. I think you might find it very helpful as you look for a potential new change in careers.
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I tried to get out yesterday and I failed miserably. It was awful. I'm too ashamed to even write it all.
Then, in my self-loathing meltdown, I had this genius idea and sent a text attack on H.
You can guess how that went.
I am still to blame for everything wrong in his life, plus some new things. But he said he doesn't hate me.
He said we could have been great. Three separate times he said the MLC mantra, "we can never go back". He said that even if by some miracle we were together, there is too much residual damage.
He said he will probably be single forever. And I "ruined him sexually." And the permanent scars that I left are now causing him to not be able to become aroused. His words, "that's just lovely."
He said he has had lots of opportunities with women, unlike anything he has ever seen, as he has "never received attention"(He was very shy in high school, over-worked and neglected at home). But that he is "way way picky" and his criteria is "very very high" and probably no one will meet his standards. He said "lessons learned in life. So be it".
He said he is trying to find himself. And that right now he is "not unhappy single". He is "alive and nothing or no one is beating me down each day". He said he is going back to working on music.
He said he has to think about "him" and get back on track. He feels he is on that path. I pray he's right.
It's smoothed over now. He said we are "friends with boundaries." Yay me.
I'm sorry you had a rough night. It's really difficult to wrap your head around the fact that they really aren't there anymore and how quickly things changed, huh?
One thing I frequently notice (and I want to clarify that I am not advocating that people file like I did) is that many people talk about leaving their WAS alone and letting them be, however they haven't truly let them go. It's a process I'm sure. I mean it's difficult because you keep *expecting* that person you spent years with to *reemerge*. And I think many do.......down the road. It's difficult to just toss that up in the air and say time frames be gone. I have no idea if your h will regret his actions. I think many do. I just think it's on their time. Whether it's 2 years, 5 yrs or 20 yrs down the road. No one knows. That's why everyone says to live like they aren't coming back because no one knows.
Shining sounds like a smart, funny, attractive lady who also happens to be compassionate and a fantastic mom. Don't get sucked into your h talking about what could have been. Focus on what Shining wants and what can be-FOR YOU.
Have a liberty heel stretch kind of day:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hey my friend. I am sorry you had a bad day. They happen, right?
Let me just tell you that everyone on here has heard a variation of most of that stuff he wrote.
So, first things first...what can you put in place so that you dont reach out to him like that again? Can you call someone, write it down, whatever?
The next thing is this...you are still being so hard on yourself, sweetie.
The getting out thing...man, was that hard for me. Still is at times. Some people it is just natural for, others not so much. Doesnt make you less than..
Please do not allow a person in crisis and who is depressed, to assess your worth.
Remember your list...you are special, S. He is wrong. Plain and simple. Know how I know? Look at what he has done. Look at what he is writing. He is broken. Really and truly.
So, tomorrow is another day. Break the GAL into really small parts. Can you just go to a store and walk around and maybe smile at someone? Can you look into a class you may want to take?
Just gather info for now. You dont have to act on it if you arent ready.
Having a tough time and few steps backwards in the self-work stuff. I'm just really feeling so down and I can't shake it.
I can't get out of my own way. I'm struggling with detaching. It's because I don't want to. And I half-try, then half hope, then I fall back. I know I have got to get this or I'll spiral down deeper. I just have to get this. I'm questioning my own sanity so often. I go from such extreme hopefulness, to the opposite extreme hopelessness within a day.
Maybe I need to pretend we are already D. I'm still in denial that he's this sick. Why isn't it sinking in? Why can't I let him go? It's so obvious at times..... then it isn't .....and I have hope.
I'm going through motions trying to live and doing what I think I'm supposed to. But the sadness, loneliness....it's not fading lately. I know I need to GAL. I'm just not ready. But it's starting to hurt me to be this stuck in sadness.
I'm also starting to panic about my S18s leaving. I don't know what I'm going to do without them. I have no support here. It's going to get lonelier.
So, my meltdown....I tried to not stay inside yesterday, so I went to this family golf place up the street, where my S18 worked. I thought it would do me some good to be around friendly people watching football. I was doing ok, until I was approached by 2 men, who sat and talked with me for a while. I was enjoying the conversation, but I learned quickly that one of them had more than friendly ideas. I declined, of course. Then I literally ran to my car like a freak and started bawling. Oh, then of course they saw me, too...I was pathetic.
I am upset that when I thought I was just being friendly, that I was obviously giving off an impression that I was interested in more. I dissected the conversation to figure out when it changed and why. I still don't know. Now I'm questioning my entire set of social skills. I used to feel so safe as part of a couple. Now I feel vulnerable and unprotected. I used to walk confidently into a room without blinking. Now....I'm skittish and paranoid? Wtf.
Then I got angry at the fact that I'm alone, and angry at H for leaving me this way. Then a whole bunch more anger poured out. I'm also upset because it no longer feels right to wear my ring, and had I been wearing it, that wouldn't have happened. And I blamed H. That somehow my fears are his fault. That was not fair at all. I sure was mad.
So, I texted him that I was scared and I didn't feel safe anywhere anymore. And then I sent some kind of how-could-you type of thing....ugh. Then he said I'm crazy. And I said it's not crazy, it's sadness. It's an emotion. You should try it. ....whoa, boy. I never used to talk to him like that in the past. I've never hurt like this before, either.
I don't have friends here. I tried to get out alone. I'm not doing that anymore. Maybe this year through my S16 and D13 school activities or church, I'll meet some new friends.
Hi, uR, why does it make so much sense when you put it in perspective....he's in crisis and I'm allowing him to assess my worth. <<< that's what I keep forgetting. He's in crisis.
What can I put in place to not do that....hmmmm. I don't have anyone to call... Writing is probably my best option. Tie myself to a chair without my phone. Take a shower. Put headphones on. I'll need a cheat sheet, for sure.
I went to the store today. Smiled at people there. Task stuff seems easier. It's the fun stuff that's difficult for me lately.
I think I have more anger that I haven't dealt with. I'm rarely angry. But it's creeping up when I'm super sad and hopeless.
Ok, I am going to just say this, cuz I know you know what I am about.
Two men spoke to you, found you engaging and attractive and decided to let you know and that is your fault? Nope, cant let you take that one, S.
You didnt do a thing wrong. You talked with some people. What they decided to think is on them.
I know you are sick of hearing this, but, you arent supposed to be at the detaching part yet at this early stage. Right now it is a concept that you practice each day..til it happens.
Even when knowing that he is in crisis, it still hurts to be rejected by the person you love. It just does. It stings for a good, long while. Until your mind allows you to really get that he is rejecting himself. Our self confidence takes a big hit during all of this. When we realize that we are the only one who can determine our worth, it becomes so clear. You are on your way.
This is a process. A tough,one. You will take two steps forward and one back at times. We all did. Trust me. As long as you get back on your path. That's the important part.
You have had a lot happen to you in a short amount of time. Your h goes nuts, you lose your job, sell your have and have to move. You were holding your breath for awhile. Now you are starting to feel it. Perfectly normal. Heck, if you didnt feel it, I'd be worried.
So, the GAL thing didnt work out, but, good for you for trying. You do need to be among people. That's really important. Keep thinking about it. You will figure it out. If its task stuff you need to do right now, so be it.
You backslid. It happens. Tomorrow is a new day. Shining, you will get through this. I promise you. I will be here to help you in any way I can.
I am upset that when I thought I was just being friendly, that I was obviously giving off an impression that I was interested in more. I dissected the conversation to figure out when it changed and why. I still don't know. Now I'm questioning my entire set of social skills. I used to feel so safe as part of a couple. Now I feel vulnerable and unprotected.
Please don't assume you were putting off "more" vibes... there are a lot of predators who can sniff out and target people in crisis, distress, etc... people who are vulnerable... and prey on them.
Know what I mean??
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
The man told you he had issue with your pores. Think about this. I realize this isn't particularly compassionate, however your h isn't the picture of stability. UR is right. We have all heard some variation of what your h said- including the " you are crazy" from an admittedly unstable person.
Here. Let me share a smile with you. Ex Mr. GB said he knew (one of many profound moments, apparently) we were over the day I used a "sales voice." I do work in sales:-). And I thought it was the way I ate tacos? Or that I bought groceries on sale? Surely, you have a tiny smile on your face at all of that logical thinking.
Hope the week goes well for you. I'm ready for you to go out Derek Jeter style on one of these second round interviews. Standing ovation and all:-).
Hang in there! You've totally got this.
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 09/30/1402:28 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
uR, it is such a hard thing, this detaching. It helps to hear it's normal that I'm not there yet. Thank you. I do keep thinking others' stuff is my fault. It's one of the complaints H had that I own other peoples stuff. I gotta get this thing. Concept is there, but I don't live it yet.
T, thank you for reminding me. I've been told that before, the predator thing....I have a hard time recognizing it. I have been told I'm too trusting and optimistic, and I'm an easy target. But I didn't worry about that for a long time. Now I add the vulnerability factor and I may as well be wearing a flashing light with a sign.
GB, thanks for the laughs, and the reminders of their craziness. If I were to try to explain to anyone outside of this board, what happened to my H, it would result in the same "nodding, smiling" face people make when a child describes their imaginary friend. No one gets it. No one believes this is real. Man, oh man....it's very real.
So, our dance...we'll have a few texts here and there, but it's been much darker lately. Then typically, I get angry or sad and need to pull back, and I stop responding. Then he'll send something very strategic....like a medical update. He sure knows how to suck me in, dang it.
I believe he is going to need the D as another layer that has to be accomplished before he can look inward. I'm preparing myself as much as possible.
Detaching is the hardest concept because it is counterintuitive to what you feel you should be doing. I couldnt get it for a long time.
I would tell posters..but, I love him..you want me to just abandon him? Then I finally learned the greatest act of love was for me to let him go. Hard? Hellz yea..but, necessary - for him and for me.
Owning other people's stuff? Oh man, was I good at that. It got to be a running joke in my family. They'd say, "No worries, Ur will take the blame for it." Yea. Not good. I learned to only own my stuff because it made sense after awhile. I am only responsible for my words and actions.
I think trusting and optimism are wonderful traits. Too much of anything may not be good, but, a nice balance is. So, something to work on if you feel you should.
Yea, you are doing the dance for sure. So, when do you think you are going to get tired of that? .
Letting go doesnt mean giving up. It doesnt mean you dont care. It means you care very much. It says that you love him so much that you are willing to let him figure this out on his own. When you do, his actions and words will not affect yours.
S, figure out who you want to be. Try to be her everyday. Try to remember that this was a journey he was meant to go on.
I would tell posters..but, I love him..you want me to just abandon him?
THAT'S EXACTLY HOW IT FEELS!!!
So, I fall into the trap of thinking what kind of wife would abandon her H after he clearly has illness, suicide attempt....and I tell myself he needs me. And this is so wrong, but my habit was to hold his hand through everything and be at his side no matter what. And I thought, and acted as though, without me, he can't do it.
And now...it's all reversed. WITH me he can't do it.
I didn't cause his MLC, but I didn't allow him to learn things his way. I had the answers. I researched everything, so I always knew (in my mind). I knew the directions. I knew about the people we would meet, and what they like to talk about. Why didn't I let him learn these things for himself? I honestly thought I was helping like a good assistant....but I was denying him the opportunity to learn on his own.
We were so dependent on each other, in different ways. And I loved that. I thought we complimented each other perfectly. But now it's gone. And that dependency didn't serve me well. It now has me lost.
I like being trusting and optimistic. But it isn't balanced at times. I would rather assume all is ok, which is good, until it's to the point of denying or fooling myself when something does need to be addressed.
I really have to get myself busy. I have to get him out of my head. Yep. I didn't ask for this. But I am here. And you're right. It's time to start my journey.
GOD bless you on detaching...I'm struggling with this also.
Let's take it 1 minute at a time:)
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Detachment...who new it was so important and yet so difficult. I have to come to terms with the reality, and I don't want to. And I'm stuck.
I'm at the point where I feel that detaching also means losing hope....as in, I have to give up hope to get to detachment. I know is isn't true, but it feels like the necessary step.
You are not giving up on hope. You need to look at it a different way. Do you want to stay married to this person as they are right now? Probably not. You want to give up on how this person is right now. Your hope is this person will grow and come out of their personal fog and become a person who you want to be with again. So don't loose hope for the future, just give up on the present.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thank you, LT, I hadn't thought of it that way. Separating my old H from who he is now...that can be easy or difficult, depending on who shows up...
I'm pretty sure he is he//bent on filing, since nothing so far has made him feel better. It's really the only thing left. I'm not wanting to act "as if" , and help create the result, but I don't think anything I'm doing will have an effect on what he does one way or the other right?
What he doesn't realize, and we haven't even talked about since he throws the D word out like a chicken thru text.... Is that we will not have a friendship if we are D. I don't see how I can.
I know some people continue standing after D. Just like the ow thing, I suppose I won't know how I will handle it until and unless I'm there.
There are many things in life where we feel we will stand one way until we find ourselves in that situation. I was anti abortion until about a week ago. When you find out your 18 year old is pregnant and you know she and boyfriend are not even close enough to mature to handle it you can quickly rethink your position on a lot of things. So, don't worry about what your position will be in the future. The future will take care of the future. Decide what your position is right now with what you are presently faced with.I am faced with similar and expect to be divorced by the end of the year. If I worry about the future I will just get heartburn and an ulcer.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hey girl. I am sorry you are feeling stuck. It happens on this journey.
So, I see you falling into old habits. You did everything for him so if was your fault he didnt learn on his own? He has to be responsible for his actions. Maybe you could have had less control. But we do what is comfortable for us in our relationships. It wasnt done on purpose. You loved him. You did your best at the time.
Dont get ahead of yourself worrying about whether you can stand in the future or not.
If someone would have told me I would find out my h was having an affair and I would stand for a couple of years, I would have told them they were crazy. Yet that's what I did.
It's best to take this one step at a time.
I dont believe that you have to give up hope to get to detachment. It just means that you are going to live your life. It means that you are going to move forward with it. All without regard to what he is doing.
The way I saw it was this. He was going to do what he was going to do. Whether we got divorced immediately or not, I still had to live my life. So, I figured I may as well get to doing that. I still had hope, but, it was tucked away safely in my heart.
The following helped me a lot:
To "let go" does not mean to stop caring; it means I can't do it for someone else To "let go" is not to cut myself off; it's the realization I can't control another To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means that the outcome is not in my hands To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another; it's to make the most of myself To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destiny To "let go" is not to be protective; it's to permit another to face reality To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings and correct them To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody, but to try to become what I dream I can be To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires, but to take each day as it comes and cherish myself in it To "let go" is to not regret the past, but to grow and live for the future To "let go" is to fear less and love myself more
Detachment is the:
Ability to allow people, places or things the freedom to be themselves. Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix another person from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational Giving another person the space to be himself Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with people Willingness to accept that you cannot change or control a person Developing and maintaining a safe, emotional distance from someone whom you have previously given a lot of power to affect your emotional outlook on life Establishing emotional boundaries between you and those people you have become overly enmeshed or dependent with in order that all of you might be able to develop your own sense of autonomy and independence Process by which you are free to feel your own feelings when you see another person falter and fail and not be led by guilt to feel responsible for their failure or faltering Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling Placing all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective and recognizing that there is a need to back away from the uncontrollable and unchangeable realities of life. Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to experience greater emotional devastation from having hung on beyond a reasonable and rational point Ability to let people you love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to practice tough love and not give in when they come to you to bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them Ability to allow people to be who they "really are" rather than who you "want them to be" Ability to avoid being hurt, abused, taken advantage of by people who in the past have been overly dependent or enmeshed with you.
I scared myself this past weekend, with the sadness. I don't want to be there anymore. I made some other good plans for myself. My momentum is picking up again. Today I am more focused on what I have.
My older boys and I talked for a long time today, and yesterday. They were very respectful, but they did say they're concerned about me.
They're worried because they'll be leaving the nest soon, and I've been pretty down lately. I didn't think I did this, but they said I cry at some point, everyday. If that's how they see it, then that's all that matters.
It's not that I lay around crying all day, not even close...but I probably do have teary moments each day, as things come up.
This conversation was very positive. I am lucky they come to me with their concerns. But I also recognize they need to see me happier and moving forward, in order for them to move forward, confidently. That fact alone, is enough to propel me into further detachment.
I've been doing better today. My S18 and I worked out together at the gym. Then I came back and finally tackled my file drawers that have been staring at me for months.
I've been avoiding organizing these documents, because it brings up so much from our M....house, boat, cars, medical.....ambulance. But, I did it. And it wasn't as bad as I thought. I'm putting the past "stuff" in it's own place, separate from the "now". It was kinda symbolic.
I have not looked at my phone much today. Still playing word games off and on. I'm starting to believe now, that our M as it was, is truly over. Time to prepare to be alone, and leave the door cracked open for a while.
So glad you are feeling a bit better. S, it is ok to feel as you do. This is enormous...this crisis. It is life altering and heart breaking. You have been punched in the gut.
You are grieving the loss of your marriage. Doesnt mean you wont have a better marriage one day. It just means that this marriage, as you knew it, is no more. That is sad.
My friend, TVS, teases me about this. I am always talking to her about the possibilities.
It is possible for you to one day have an amazing relationship with your h. It is possible for you to become who you once were and who you want to be. It is possible for you to be happier than you have ever been.
Possibilities are endless.
I think that you try to fight how you feel. I am not sure why. I think part of it is that you feel you are failing in some way. You arent. This has to play out. You have to go through the feelings. In fact the only way to do this is through it. No way around it.
You miss him. You love him. You feel badly for him. You are angry with him. All valid feelings, S.
So feel them. When you are ready, let them wash over you. Eventually, you will be able to let them go.
You are so fortunate that your son opened up to you. My son keeps everything in. For a long time, I blamed myself. (Yep, I told you, everything was my fault). It's what he saw growing up.
I will tell you that my son has said to me, "Mom, I knew that I didnt have to worry about you so I could live my life. Thank you for that."
It's ok for them to see you sad. It's a sad thing. But you also want to show them how to navigate through life's tough stuff. It's a balance.
Good for you for getting through those documents.
You are doing great, S. You really are. Keep going.
I am getting going, uR! Much better day today. Whew!!!
So the "fighting how I feel".... Again, I'm so busted. You scare me....sometimes I have to look around and see if you're in my apartment and you can see me.....
In my weekend pity-party, and when I'm crying to the point of nonsense babbling, yeah...I think some kind of failure-oriented words come out of my mouth....I sobbed to the boys and told them "I'm so sorry, I tried to give us such a better life, and then it all went away...and I failed." Then my S18 says, "Mom, you DID give us that life. We had everything, and the important stuff is still here." Then I'm even more of a sloshy mess, of course. You get it.
TVS... I'll have to check out her posts. Anyone who teases you is probably a pretty fun friend:). Speaking of possibilities....I'm not trying to cause trouble ....but, have you heard anything recently from the (affectionately-termed, and notorious) tunnel hugger?
S18 and I will be in NYC on the 15th and through the weekend .
Hey there. OK, short and sweet. Detachment takes time. That's the bottom line. The amount of time depends on your thought process. If you think about removing yourself from the craziness and hurt, I think it helps you along. If you continue to think, "what if.." and "I wish I..." "I/We could have..." you know, all that fun stuff, that makes it more difficult. You have to step outside an look in. Forget the past (while in a tough spot). Think about the dumb, hurtful things he has done recently. Remind yourself that you don't want that and you don't deserve to be part of that.
The next part of detachment is attitude. And, girl, you've got that in the bag. Check that off the list. You are positive, upbeat, fun-loving, kind, compassionate, motivated, funny... should I go on?
Bottom line, Shining- it is going to take time and perspective. You are half-way there. You have perspective. You will find a way to think of the things that will help you along.
Tough times will become less and shorter. I know I am not an expert at this, but I was really getting there before nuke. I've been through two different bombs. Again, I am not an expert and others have way more experience and insight, but I feel that you are on the right path.
We will continue this journey to peace and happiness... OR I'LL BE DA.... you get my drift.
Shining I am so not an expert in the detachment department except I do know it takes time. I'm a year in and I don't think I'm even close- but when I look back I've come a long way. Sometimes I feel like an onion- peel away a layer and detach from that. Then go through the whole grief cycle and detach at the next layer.
For those of us that are fixers and used to " making things happen" no matter what- it's d@mn hard to wait in something to occur and have no ability toive it along. I get it. Can't help because I'm not there yet either. But I can walk beside you!!
Me 41 H 40 M 20 T 23 S 19,16, 8 D 13 BD1 dec 2012 not sure going to work BD2 sep 2013 seeking a D Filed oct 2013, D Feb 2015 Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena- Brene Brown
I like that post, Mighty...good stuff. Removing yourself from the craziness...I like. .
Your son sounds amazing, S. Ok, so did you hear what he said?
TVS is a special lady. One of my dearest friends and funny as hel#.
Oh boy, you guys are going to have so much fun. Are you getting a plan together of where you want to go?
As my son is 23, and ex lives 5 hours away, there isnt much interaction between me and the tunnel hugger. LOL! But when there is, it is mind boggling. I will have to go and find some of our convos and post them to you. They really are entertaining. .
Shining, I’ve been reading your recent posts and I can relate in so many ways. After the BD I also tried to get out of the house, and at that time I didn’t have friends in town where I live. I traveled for work for so many years, that I didn’t establish any connections where I lived. It was always H who was doing things with. And I was OK with that. After the BD I found myself very lonely. Well, my sister and family live here, but they have their own life and she would not go out with me. So, at first I went out by myself, and it was uncomfortable. I had a lot of attention from the guys, and I wasn’t sure how to handle it in my new reality. I figured it out pretty quickly. I just tell them like it is, that I’m going through a separation and that I’m not looking for a new relationship. I tell them that we can be friends, but nothing more. Well, this doesn’t always work this way. I have some guys who are friends, but who don’t give up the hope that they can be more than that eventually. If it gets too uncomfortable, I just stop socializing with them.
I’m also in the same boat with the detachment. I think if I detach more, I will have no more hope. Actually, I feel like I will just not care anymore and it scares me.
This caught my attention from uR’s post about detachment:
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling
I think if I detach enough, there will be no more love for H on my part. I will just not care anymore. Which will achieve the goal to stop hurting, but it will close the door to any hope of reconciliation. I’m not there yet, in terms of complete detachment. But I feel it every day, that my love for H is diminishing. I guess I will know what it feels like at the end when I get there.
Shining, I’m glad you are feeling better. And you are fortunate to have your wonderful kids.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
daring, yes! I get the onion layer thing...I have a meltdown, then I'm a little more detached each time. To put in perspective....I have been pretty much fighting detachment for months, and preferring "glued to H side no matter how crazy"..... Imagine how attached I was BEFORE MLC..... Pretty much Siamese twins. I'll get there.
uR, yep. My S18 is a remarkable kid, IMO. YYYEEEAHHHHHHH, I HEARD HIM. HES RIGHT. >sigh<
Since he's never been to NYC, we're staying right in Times Square. He has to have that experience at least once .
His list is pretty simple. Statue of Liberty is the priority. Second is seeing a band. He wants to walk the streets and immerse himself in the culture, sounds, sights, and (a cough, cough) smells.
I'll probably take him to the top of The Rock. We're pretty laid-back, and we don't tend to over-schedule. We like to take our time and see where the day takes us. Open for suggestions, tho!!!!
Are you still in Brooklyn? I have a friend who just signed her first lease there. She's so excited!!!
"Mom, you DID give us that life. We had everything, and the important stuff is still here."
Ok, so tears streaming from that. How amazingly sweet a boy you have there! My son would never say anything like that (but he's only 8!). Those moments are priceless.
I am so jealous of your upcoming trip to NYC. My H and I were there 3 times last year and I LOVE it. I could totally move there. Don't miss Central Park if you can make it happen, and they often have bands playing there (well, maybe not so often in October, but check it out). It's just cool to see all those sights you've seen on TV your whole life. The only downside for me is that now, whenever I watch TV, I think of those amazing trips with H. You will have a blast. See a show if he's up to it, maybe Rock of Ages would work rather than a band? I hear it's awesome.
I loved walking the streets, BTW, not nearly as smelly as I expected. The only issue we had was coming out of the wrong subway station exit and getting totally lost on exactly which corner we were on! You will have fun though.
Me- 40 H- 41 S8, D5, S4 M 19 y T 23 Bomb drop 6/2013 H asked for/filed for D 9/2014 22 yo OW discovered 9/19/14 they're engaged and living together
It's, strange, BF...I used to have zero problems getting out, even alone. I like your "telling it like it is" approach... Although that would make me say it out loud, and that doesn't help me stay in denial, does it....lol.
I'm starting to compare this to other things I have had to detach from....jobs, friends, xh.... I'm starting to remember what I had to do, and how to continue caring and hoping....just not the rescuing, enabling, fixing and controlling results....ugh.
Thank you for your kind words. I'm starting to feel my own mini-fog lift again.
Just walking around the city is fun. Central Park is cool. How amazing that you are staying right in Times Square. There is a kiosk in Times Square that has tickets for Broadway shows for that day deeply discounted. Kind of fun to look and see what they have and pick something.
Rockefellar Center is nice. St. Pat's Cathedral. If you go downtown, the 911 memorial. So many things to see.
I live in New Jersey. My sister still lives in Brooklyn so i am there all the time. She is on a mission to get me back there...I am thinking that will definitely happen.
I so wish I could meet you when you are here. That would be amazing.
Yeah, there has always been something extra-intuitive in this S of mine.....his perspective on the world, life, humor, everything... I'm a proud mama. Of course, I'm proud of all of them. They're all awesome in different ways. And yes, I'm very blessed with these creatures.
I've been to NYC many times.... I LOVE it, too!! I'm so excited to share his first trip there with him. I didn't think of the Rock of Ages show!! I'll ask him.
He is easily entertained, like me ... I could sit for hours just people-watching. I used to have a friend that would write stories with me. Sometimes, we would go to a park and just make up back-stories of all the people there as they walked by. Some were rather scandalous....
That's funny about the subway station!! And yeah...last trip was, of course with H.... I need new memories. He can't have New York!!!
sorry, I forgot that you have been to New York. LOL!
Ok, I am easily entertained and a people watcher, too. There sure are a lot of interesting people to watch there. You know about the naked woman whose body is painted in Times Square, right?
Wait...naked painted woman?? I've seen the naked cowboy in Times Square...now there's a woman?? S will love that....Lol!! (He'll turn bright red, actually).
But better. 
