Dusting off my $h*+kickers.... Let's keep DIGGING!

[Shining]

Guess who rocked her interview today?


THIS GIRL.



Second interview next week. The office is far away, though...26 miles. Over an hour with traffic. But, I'm open to whatever is put in front of me. Who knows where things may lead. I can't see the future from here....right?

Cooking dinner for the hungry boys.... D13 is working concessions with friends. Then I'll get my BOOTS on for more digging.

This mirror stuff, though......I'm noticing things I do, both past and present, that don't serve me well. I'm feeling some guilt for not doing better before, but realizing how ....let's see how I want to word this so I stay gentle....

I am learning so many wonderful ways to do better going forward.

How's that?

[uRworthy]

Yay!!!! I knew you would ace it, Shining!!!

Like your attitude about the job, my friend.

Ok, so, the mirrors and all. I completely understand what you are saying. I was the queen and I mean, queen of looking back at what I did and being unable to move past it at times. The guilt I felt was paralyzing. It was soul crushing.

It took a lot of work and that chit was hard. Really hard. I had to face things I did not want to face. I had to remember things I did not want to remember.

But this is what I finally figured out and accepted. I did the best I could with the knowledge and tools I had at the time. If I knew better and was able to do better, I know I would have.

Then I realized that whatever I did or didnt do was never with the intent to hurt or cause harm to my h or my marriage. That mattered to me.

Looking back on all of that is so clear from where you stand now. It wasnt when you were in the thick of it.

The thing about guilt is that it doesnt change anything. The thing about regret is that it keeps you stuck. I know because I lettered in both of them. Trust me on that. Man, I couldnt let that go for the longest time.

Then I looked within. I mean really deep inside. I began to understand that I did what I knew. That doesnt change it either. It just made it clearer.

I learned to only own what I should own and only my stuff. Could I have done better? Ayep. Did I make mistakes? Hellz yea. But I loved him deeply and true. That I know without one doubt.

The real sad thing would be to not learn from the past. Now you know better, so you will do better.

We just do the best we can and hopefully some peace comes from knowing we do.

[Shining]

uR, seriously, why do I cry at all of your posts? No...blubbering sometimes.....The fact that you understand.... I mean REALLY understand. You have been exactly where I am, I believe this. And I trust what you say because you speak to my core. And I see where I can get to, moving forward, through the hard stuff, because you did it. And then, I think of the fact that you care to come here and help people like me, the way you do. And it is such a beautiful thing I cry. I didn't used to be a crier.... well, THAT came back to haunt me, lol.

Thank you. As always. Dang this is hard. And I still love the freaking chit outa that fool.

>sigh<.

[LiveNow]

You got that right, UR. Couldn't have said it better myself. Think I'll print it out and put it somewhere I can see it! Sometimes I just need a little reminder...

[uRworthy]

Oh Shining, thank you for your words. I am sorry it brought you to tears.

There is something about you that resonates with me. I cant quite explain it.

But yes, I have been where you are. I remember the pain and the inner turmoil.

I remember how hard I was on myself. How badly I felt about myself.

The very best thing I did for me was to forgive myself for being human and making mistakes.

As I have written, I will never forget the people who helped me here. They were, quite simply, amazing.

I want to tell you a story. My son has a lot of health issues. Some pretty serious ones. I was financially devastated by things my h did both before and during the divorce.

I was at a very, very low point. If it wasnt for my core of friends on here, I dont know how I would have gotten through it.

One day I mentioned in passing how I wished I could give my son, who has been through so much in his young life, a flat screen TV. That was something he had wanted for a long time. It was something I couldnt afford and didnt know when I would ever be able to.

I didnt think anything of having mentioned that. It was around Cnristmas time and we must have been talking about it on here.

Sometime after that, my son called me at work screaming. "Mom, there is a delivery here. It's unbelievable. It's a flat screen TV!!!!"

I said, "Oh sweetie, Im sorry, there must be some mistake."

He said, "No, mom, there is a note. It mentions you and me."

When I came home, I found him sitting with the box in front of him.

The note read, "Son's name, your mother is an amazing woman, however, none of us need to tell you that for you to know it.

Please accept this as our gift to both of you - as a symbol of everything that is and can remain right in the world. A token of our love for you both. When you see reality over fantasy and the world feels like it is caving in on you, remember that if you can have faith in what is right in the world, you will never be wrong. We all love both of you."

Shining, I cannot tell you what that meant to us. At a time when I didnt know how I would survive, to have people I had never met do this for my son and I was unbelievable. They wanted to remain anonymous. I was told there were many who wanted to contribute.

To say it impacted our lives is an understatement. My son cried when I read the note out loud. He said, "Mom, how is this possible? I have never heard of anything like this."

These boards were a lifesaver for me. I have made deep, lifelong friendships from here.

To come back and help out others is the very least that I have the honor to be able to do.

I have had an incredible journey. I have come from a very, very, dark place.

I see wonderful things in you, S. I cant wait to see where you land.

[Georgiabelle]

Shining,

I just did triple salchow, triple toe loop (in feathers and sequins) in honor of your interview. Wahoo! Good for you:-). I know you will stick the landing on the next round.

[Shining]

Your story is wonderful. I'm not the least bit surprised that the people here would want to do that for you. Smiling.

I hope your son is doing well. I'll bet he's a remarkable young man. Is he near you?

My oldest 2 are about to fly the nest. I'm freaking out a bit about that. At the same time, I can feel it's the right time. They're ready.

My guilt comes and goes. I have guilt that I wasn't able to do for them what I planned, for college, graduation....keep my first marriage together. That we're shoved into a 2br apartment with 5 of us during their Sr. year in HS. That we were alone at graduation with no family because mine are out of state, and none of H came.

I look back at how excited they were when I first introduced them to H. There was so much hope and promise of new great things....and we had that. It was everything I ever wanted for us. And then one day, it all disappeared. And I feel responsible. Like I promised them something, this "family"....this "life" and I didn't deliver. I failed.

They have never once made any type of comment toward me that was negative about this whole situation. They sure could. They have some anger at H. Shoot, they probably have anger at me they don't even realize yet. But I don't touch their R with H. Same as my xh..that's theirs to fix or not.

They also have compassion. They know H suffers. They know it's no free pass to do hurtful things. They're trying to understand something that can't be explained. They are definitely learning. We all are. They just want their mom happy.

I also have guilt about my M with H. It must have been so much pressure for him, all of us under one roof. It wasn't at first. It was rather seamless, the way it fit. But it became that way....stressful for H. And I couldn't fix it. I couldn't make it better for everyone.

H and I ...even my mom and H.... talked so much in the beginning, about what it would mean for him to be their SDad. How much of a commitment it would be. What it would look like. The noise. The mess. The driving.

I believe, at the time, he really wanted it. He was amazing to us. Then he wasn't. It wasn't perfect. But I really thought we were happy...in a better than normal kinda way.

I also have guilt because part of me is afraid....that maybe he didn't want it. He wanted me. And he was willing to try to be that guy for me, but he couldn't sustain it. That I put pressure on him to be someone he wasn't. I thought he was happy. What if I missed it? How can I be so far off? How could I expect H to do all he did? I thought I was appreciative....overly, at times. Maybe in the wrong way?

Then, I come here. And I read back through things. I remember this would have happened with or without me in the picture. I'm trying to get that to sink in. It's just unbelievable how quickly life and everything we know just goes away.

This board is truly a lifesaver. I don't know what I would do without it, and everyone here. Especially you, uR.

[uRworthy]

Thank you.

My son lives with me. He is an extraordinary young man...warm, loving, kind and compassionate. He is my biggest blessing in this life. Still struggles with his health and other things. He has been through a great deal. But he is ok, thank you.

I know it is so hard when they leave. But it's what we want for them - wings to soar.

I know the guilt is so difficult. Life rarely works out the way we plan. It isnt a lacking in you that it didnt, S. It just goes that way sometimes no matter our best intentions. But I know it hurts, as a mother, not to have things go as we hope. We want so much for our children.

I remember one time I said to my son, when I was early into this, "I am sorry I couldnt keep our family together. It wasnt what I wanted nor what I hoped. For you...or me." He said, "Mom, you love me so much. I know that without a single doubt. I know you didnt want this because I know how much you love your family. But it is going to be ok as long as you are."

You didnt fail, S. You didnt. You loved and you lived and then this crisis was destined to happen. You couldnt love it away. It started long before you were married.

Your kids may have some anger towards you and they may not. But they know they are loved and that matters. It speaks volumes about them that they dont make you feel badly about any of it and they have compassion for him. And you are right, they just want you to be happy.

Good for you for not touching their relationship with your h. T

No, you couldnt fix it or make it better for everyone. You dont have that kind of power, sweetie, and it's not your job.

You didnt imagine what you had. Those memories were real. Dont let this taint them. He loved you. You loved him. It happened.

This doesnt have anything at all to do with that. I know that is so hard to believe, but, it's true. You dont become someone else without going through a crisis. You just dont.

Please dont do this to yourself. He was an adult. He made the decision to marry you. You could have been perfect. It wouldnt have mattered. He was broken and it spilled over.

It is unbelievable how this happens. How your life changes in a moment.

That's why it is important not to waste this opportunity to make something out of the devastation. It's what we have to do in order to make some sense of it.

You will come out the other side, Shining, and you will be better than ok.

Good luck tomorrow. I will be praying.

[Shining]

Thank you, uR. The wave of guilt, at least the most recent wave....has past. This cycling of grief and loss...I'm sure I'm kinda normal there.

I really don't have much in my life for "things". I appreciate having them, but I know I don't need them. If I ever did think so, I certainly got over the losing of things with my xh. I walked away from everything just to be out and have my 4 kids. We had our clothes, and their beds.

Amazing how quickly our priorities can change in an instant.

So, I feel like I'm complaining a bit about the changes we've had. I feel I'm having a pity party off and on. And I am. (Cue that lasso, again.)

But, I realize how much we DO have. I really have nothing to complain about. I am grateful for the precious things money can't buy.

I asked myself, if 7 years ago, someone told me that my kids and I could go on an adventure, feel great love, have a wonderful, caring extended family, and all the experiences that we've had in the past 6-7 years.....but then it would be gone. Would I still do it.

Yep.

Those years had a lot of wonderful stuff I wouldn't trade for the world. What a gift. No matter how long or short our M last. It's all a gift.

Until the next wave hits me....I'm enjoying this one.


And, T.... My list is done

[TSquared2]

Okay!

Got that person pictured in brain?

Take "her" list, and now compare it to "yours" (the present)...

What's different? Why? How did that come to pass?

What is the same? Why? How did that survive?

Now merge them...put anything that is on "her" list on "your" list that is not already there.

You just expanded things you like about yourself... (hmm, nice!)

Because "she" is still, always has been, inside you. She has maybe been pushed away from your attention by life's events, trials, experiences... but she is still there. Her voice maybe not loud enough to be heard by all the other stuff...but she is there.

She wants your attention, to be heard again, to be part of your life again...

Spend some time with her, and your new+old merged list, I think you will see something really cool...

My bit is done here for now.