still waiting

[mindsin]

Me too.

Sending you internet hugs, FWIW.

[LisaB]

Aw Ahoy, sounds like he is being a real bonafide AHOLE!!!

Who would do that? I don't get it. It sounds so punitive, like he is furious with you and wants to hurt you. Is he mad or upset? Why would he need to take you off the insurance?

I don't get these WAH. Why are THEY angry/hurt when they chose to leave?

I'm really sorry about the situation. Just know that things can always turn around if you still want them to, but I know it really hurts and stinks right now.

I think it is really strong of you to want to be independent and not beg him to keep you on the insurance. I admire your strength. I don't really know enough about your story but do you think your need to be independent might be part of the problem? I only ask because that has caused issues for me in the past.

Sending you hugs and good thoughts!
Lisa

[Card29]

Lots of crying today. Just can't seem to shake that feeling of abandonment and worthlessness. I know it's part of the roller coaster but I wish this would pass. Just so sad. I miss being held.

Ahoy, I am right there with you. I had a June BD and late July S. No movement since then. At least my WAW has not been an A$$ like that, and I also don't have your health issues to deal with. You are strong just for standing on two feet today. I know all about the roller coaster, too. I was thinking of making a graph of my emotions. I was really flying high from mid August until about 2 weeks ago, now I'm down in a hole again, but feel like I'm climbing back out. The only thing that has got me out of these dips is to keep pursuing GAL/detach, and seeking companionship throughout the day. I thought I didn't really have friends at work until all of this went down. As people started finding out, I have been blown away at the hearts of people. When the well runs dry for a day or two with people around you, that's (partially) what these forums are for. Or if you're struggling late at night, etc. We're listening! As soon as I saw Ahoy on the front page again, I clicked, because we are on such similar timelines.

I also understand your apprehension for contacting an L. I have the same reservations, for the same reasons. But I also don't have your medical situation. It really sounds like you need to protect yourself in that regard. Perhaps you could speak with an L and be upfront that you do not want to file. If they push for that, you walk out. I'm sure you know, but medical bills in situations like that could be life changing.

Remember, right now he is not the man that you married 15 years ago, or maybe even the man you were married to 1 year ago. He is a different, selfish, seemingly terrible person right now. Do not operate like he is the same man. If you don't want to give up on the M, which I commend, don't lose hope that the previous man (or a new and improved one) could return someday. But at the same time, don't expect anything like that. Changes like that will be a long road, and it will be initiated by him. So in the meantime, focus on yourself. #1 priority is your health, so start there.

What is your support system like (close friends, family) in your immediate area?

[Shakspr]

Ahoy:

A little more support for you. Must be something in late September...I felt awful the last two weeks and am just now coming out of it. My thread reflects same.

If you can become independent, and that suits you, do so.

If you D, then remarry, he can put you back on. And like others have said, with D (or legal S) filed, he shouldn't be able to drop you.

[raliced]

Ahoy- I'm sitting in the airport typing this out on a phone, so I apologize up front for the typos. Your husband is being an @&$)(&&!!! (that wasn't a typo). Do what you feel is the best thing for your health-I tend to side with those saying he should keep you on (by legal order if necessary), but I know each situation has it's nuance-and you will figure out the best course of action- because your posts always sound very strong and sensible to me.

Seriously, though, I am righteously indignant on your behalf!

[CaliGuy]

Ahoy ... everyone here can relate .. thats why we all seem to have migrated here.

Just a few things .. 1. I am sorry for your sitch ... I echo the sentiments on what a D-B move he did and I am not talking Divorce Busting, however that brings me to my 2nd point.

I know you feel that nothing has moved, I get there too, but be very careful putting a timeline on it. My ILYBINILWY came over a year ago, she moved out Nov 8th, OM was admitted Jan .... and here I am ... a year later. I told myself a few months ago .. Nov 8th and I am done ... well its coming and I do not see us being where I had hoped .... but ya know what, we are not where we were a year ago either. I do not know if my M will make it. But I do know if I give it a deadline, it will actually be dead on that date. If that's what you want ... so be it ... read enough and everyone has a limit and sometimes that limit is what results in the big turn around, but you have to work on you and be a person the WAS would be a fool to leave first before that card has any power to it.

Point is, for me .. somedays I wanna drop the rope, some days I hold onto it tightly ... sure there are a few I would like to wrap it around a neck ... hers or mine I struggle with ...lol .. thing is .. you will know when to let go for you, not for him, holding onto a date in my perspective, is setting yourself up .. giving yourself expectations... and we all know about those!

[Ahoy]

I can't thank you guys enough! I have been in a really low spot, and it is so encouraging to have your support. (I do have lots of friends and family checking in on me daily, but I suspect they are tired of my endless loop of anger/sadness/hope/despair.) I'm trying to come out of the hole.

Just to set your minds at ease -- I have benign brain tumors of the lining of the brain (meningiomas). I had three large ones removed two years ago, and the rest (three or so) have to be monitored by MRI every 9 months to see if further surgeries are necessary. The MRIs are expensive, even with insurance. But the good news is that I'm well, overall, and fully functional (coaching my daughter in soccer, doing headstands in yoga). Aside from the crazy scar under my hair, you'd never know I have a head full of garbage!

Lisa -- my H is not angry or vindictive, just selfish and cheap. Here is a man I supported as a stay-at-home dad for two years, put through grad school for three, and moved and left good jobs in order for him to further his career twice. I work full-time (now self-employed), and also did all the cleaning, dinners, child care, bill-paying, doctor appointments, kid's lessons, etc. Mainly I did this because I'm good with multi-tasking and time management and he has ADD and works all the time. I thought I was doing all that out of love so he'd have time to focus on his work. And now? I guess he resents me for it. Says he enjoys living on his own, doing his own laundry (what on earth stopped you these past 15 years?!), and being a "big boy." Well, I don't want a big boy, I want a real man who wouldn't walk out on his family for no good reason just to "find himself."

The only time he expressed anger is when I asked him if there was someone else (defensive much?) and when we discuss financials (cheap and selfish much?).

I am a very independent person, but I also realize I was completely meshed with him and there probably was a lot that I took for granted (that he would always be there, for instance). I should have given him more responsibilities with the house and kid. I should have listened more.

At the same time, he took me for granted (and all that I did for him and the family); almost never volunteered to do things around the house unless asked; and didn't share his feelings with me, so I was blindsided when the time came.

I acknowledge that I had shortcomings in the relationship in this regard (who doesn't?), but as I told him, I think it would be worth it to work on these issues to see what's possible before tossing the M away.

Card, I feel grateful that I do have support -- I hike daily with a rotating cast of great girl friends. My siblings and parents call throughout the week, and I have been going out and GALing every night on the weeks when I don't have my D.

Shakes, Thanks for the support. I'm okay with getting a D if that's what he wants. But I won't remarry. Maybe that makes me rigid, but I can't see wanting to be legally bound to someone I'm not sure I can ever fully trust again. I might rekindle our relationship, but not marry him.

Right now, though, I don't even want to be with him, even though I spent all of yesterday crying pathetically about the reality of possible divorce.

So confusing!

Sorry for the long post... I just have so much going through my head these days.

Love you guys!

[Maybell]

Ahoy, I agree, it is confusing to be upset over losing them at the same time we struggle to find the good. I'm theoretically good with BEING divorced, but GETTING divorced gives me panic attacks.

Thanks for checking in with me. Hugs to you too!!!

[Shakspr]

Ahoy:

I can respect your all or nothing answer. I, on the other hand, knowing how much damage I did, intend to wait it out on the other side for quite a bit.

So feisty!

[Ahoy]

Got some great advice from a friend yesterday. She pointed out that I was making myself crazy by sitting on the fence whether I should push to end things earlier by getting the paperwork started or commit to waiting. She said, what kind of person do you want to see yourself as when this is over -- someone who was patient or someone who was reactive. Good point! I do want to act out of love, not fear. So she said, you have to commit to one direction or another for your own sanity. So I'm committing to waiting until January, and possibly longer, unless he initiates things earlier. It's still hard at times, but this was advice I needed to hear. So I'm releasing the anxiety I have about being in limbo. This is just where I am; nothing is changing at the moment; and whatever change comes my way I am capable of handling, so I don't need to be afraid.

Having dinner with sweet friends who invited me and D14 out to dinner, then wine and a movie with neighbor friends on Friday, going to hear live music followed by a bonfire at my place with D's friend's family Saturday. Yesterday D and I did yoga and played racketball. It's been fun GAL with her as well -- opens up new interactions in our relationship as well.

Thanks for all the support this week. I think the fear and anxiety related to the health issues/health insurance really got me down. But there are no guarantees in this life, are there?