Maybell, I feel like our past few years have been all about the kids, too, to the detriment of the M. I thought that we were just in a child centered phase, and that when they were older we'd get back to us. That was naïve of me.
H only wants to do things with the kids at this point. When we were still in MC, she suggested that we go on a few "dates". H balked every time. Our original separation agreement provided for a few "dates". H balked again and we eliminated that. Last week when we went back to MC to go over the separation agreement, MC asked about our ongoing relationship as a couple during the S. Basically, outside co-parenting, we aren't going to have one. That kills me.
To me, dating - meaning just the two of you without the kids - is important. If that's something your H is willing to do, I'd be all over it.
I'm in the opposite situation. My H will date me, but he refuses to do anything as a family yet. I think he wants to avoid giving false hope to our D7, but it ends up killing some of my hope too.
My H is very focused on our D7 and it's easy for me to feel ignored when we're together as a family. It's probably good that he's not up for family activities yet, because I'm probably not ready either. But, I can see how that could be a source of connection for other couples.
I might be wiling to try it if 1:1 dates were not an option.
While I'm happy to do things together with the kids -- say, once a month or so -- it is important to me that we spend some time alone together if we want to rebuild our friendship. I have been working hard the last few months to see myself as a whole person and not just a mom. I don't want to feel limited that way anymore, and I'd like you to see me as a whole person too.
I understand somewhat where you are right now. As best I can. I also understand where I am and how much of a struggle it has been to get to a place where I can think of spending time with you without expectations so it's just as important to me that we not cross boundaries. What I want and believe is possible hasn't changed, but we both have to get there. It takes how long it takes.
You mentioned on Sunday night that things need a fairly big reset to change. I absolutely agree with that. If you have any thoughts on what you would need to see reset that you feel ready to share with me, I welcome hearing them. In the meantime, I hope we can find a happy medium where we rediscover our friendship and explore new ways of spending time together that respect how we're both feeling.
I know it needs some edits so I'm looking forward to feedback.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Are you in a place where you can made demands of him yet? (I'm wondering about that first paragraph.)
I'm not sure you need the rest -- just show him that by your actions (which he'll believe more than your words anyway).
I know I couldn't say any of that to my WAH right now. I definitely can't pick and choose when I see him, since we've been on only 1 family dinner out and 1 walk just the two of us in the past two months. I also can't presume to understand where he is right now, since he's not opening up all the way.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
We were talking about an outing we thought we might do together. We decided against it because we're not yet ready to spend that much time together alone. H suggested adapting it to a family outing and I wanted to make it clear that that won't work for me on an exclusive basis.
There are two of us in this mess. He is driving a lot, but I get a say too. That's my say.
The middle paragraph is about validating a statement he made to me in an email.
The last one is because he's never said what's wrong with our relationship except that we weren't close. I'm working to change that as best I can, but he is not the most communicative guy I know and I don't want to miss any chances to let him know in a respectful way that I want to hear from him when he's ready. During a lot of the time before he left my communication was basically fury about the affair and his lack of effort in the marriage. Afterwards, I alternated between silence and... Well, guess basically silence punctuated by the odd moment of defensiveness. This isn't so much telling him I've changed as offering an opening in an undemanding way.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Of course you get a say, Maybell, and only you know what is right for your situation.
My H too is not saying what's wrong with our relationship (except making lame excuses like I don't host enough parties?), but when I push him to communicate with me, it pushes him further away. That's my only concern.
In my case, I've told H that I'm sorry for whatever behaviors of mine contributed to his feeling so terrible to the point of having to leave, and that it is worth it to me to work on those things together if that's something he chooses. But I said that early on in the process. I definitely don't reiterate it unless asked (he hasn't in months asked me anything personal).
I'm glad you are in a place where you have more open communication with your H -- I hope that helps you in rebuilding the relationship.
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
It's so interesting to see how things are changing for you. It kind of scares me because I think we were both in a negative-ish place and now you are moving to a happier loving place. It scares me a bit because I wonder if I too will go to the loving place again and I'm not sure I want to!
I think your draft is good but to me it is too wordy and long (for a guy). I feel like people (men) prefer very short messages, and if he wants to know more maybe he can ask? I'd cut it in half. Let's see if I can try?
"While I'm happy to do things together with the kids sometimes, I'd like to spend time alone together to try to rebuild our friendship. I'd prefer to interact as people, not just as parents.
I understand somewhat where you are right now. It is also important to me that we not cross boundaries and have too many expectations.
You mentioned on Sunday night that things need a fairly big reset to change. I absolutely agree with that. If you have any thoughts on what you would need to see reset that you feel ready to share with me, I welcome hearing them. "
I butchered it but I think short and sweet is better?
Maybell, I haven't been on the boards a ton these past few days. Just skimming, so forgive me if I'm missing key info. But I saw a bit about H being concerned about passion. I know some of it is the OW fantasy but also wonder if you should give this some more thought. Is this something that was strong in the beginning of your relationship and died over time, or was it always an issue? I guess I would suggest giving it more thought. It would certainly up his interested in being 1x1 with you!
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
MDU, yes, he says he wants more closeness and passion in a relationship than what we've had in the last few years. I've wanted this too, but in many ways he was the obstacle -- when I tried to do things to promote it he would stonewall. When I said I felt like we'd drifted apart he'd say "we're fine." So there's more to it than just wanting passion and closeness. But the blue email I drafted above is me trying to balance that need he's claiming with the fact that we're not currently in a place where I can give it to him. I want him to stop thinking of me as the mom and start seeing me as a woman who also wants those things.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
...and downhearted because that job went to someone else even though they asked me if I wanted it, and they didn't even have the courtesy to let me know. Sigh.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
