GALing is all about finding activities that will allow you to look forward to doing something fun in the future. Nitty nailed it! Your mind will naturally shift focus from the pain and the hurt, to the fun plans you have for the next day, or the day after. GALing gives you a reason to rise and shine. It gives you something to think about when all you want to think about is the bad.
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
Nitty, I did read your previous post, and it prevented me from digging an even deeper hole. Your list of suggestions made me think you know me. Community Theater, MMA fights, ComicCon - all in my wheelhouse? (Hey, I'm a manly sensitive dude who used to box and likes comics ;-) )
I did spend some time talking to W, but mostly validation of her long list of complaints and an apology for recent heated conversations. Not in a self-deprecating way, but more to tell her that too late or not, I am listening now. And I hear what she is saying loud and clear, even when it hurts.
I looked all over the house for one of those "blank" personal cards to write her the letter I put up here a while back. God was looking out for me. I couldn't find one ANYWHERE!
W is recovering today from a large lipoma removal, and we just discovered that my D8 probably has Lyme disease (bulls-eye bite mark.) I am headed to the Doc, now, with her.
I will choose an activity, and post it here. Yes, I definitely need something to look forward to right now.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakespear (e left off intentionally) how have you changed?
This: I insulted and ignored her for too long, building a wall. She tried to scream through the window, but I didn't pay attention.
When are you going to stop that?
-we don't need to know your W has unnecessary pounds to lose or that she's having an abdominoplasty. That you agreed to pay for-is this out of joint marital funds or do you have a separate personal account you're using for the surgery?
-we don't need to know that you rescued your W's resume or that she's office or word or w/e challenged.
-"She still leans on me for so much...it's going to be a shock when I am not continually available." Maybe yes, maybe no.
-now you've broken a trust of privacy and found out what you already knew.
This is about you changing you, to. the. core.
Can you do that?
When will you start?
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Bottom line answer: Clearly I haven't changed enough.
Only question you asked with a real answer is the funds for elective surgery would have been borrowed against home equity. I think that would have required a joint decision, and it's one I agreed to without hesitation before I knew there was a BD coming. Only reason I brought it up is that one of her complaints is the I "always count the cost" and never consider her wants/needs first instead of just saying no. Now, of course, the point is moot. She took those funds out of the line of credit as an emergency fund in case I flipped out on her after BD. I didn't, any more than any of us have. She is keeping those funds as her half of the equity we had in the home, so no settlement/buyout needed.
I am too obsessed with the D event/day itself, though I try to pretend it's just a date.
I would probably be doing better (but not great) if the kids were out of the house/older. This will affect them profoundly and it clouds my vision and affects my actions.
I fall into old patterns of disagreement (validating has been added) because I believe what she is DOING right now is wrong, and I want to prevent/stop it. All this while realizing, intellectually, that there is nothing I can do to prevent/stop it.
So, how have I changed?
I do listen now. I clearly don't know what to do or how to do it when I do.
I am not being petty or vindictive about things/stuff/material goods (with a notable exception last week when our joint account was overdrawn.) I do ask for some financial predictability and agreement before making non-food/clothing/bill payments.
I listen first, thoroughly, before I respond or make a decision. Those responses and decisions still suck, and are further compounded by grief/pain. I need work in this area.
I initiated action without prompting to get some of the recommended books on co-parenting (she had mentioned this as a future need weeks ago). She appreciated that, but didn't seem interested & expressed "no time" for that and told me to come up with a plan and she would take a look at it.
That's about it.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
This thread will be coming to an end soon. New title suggestions?
"How to DB without getting caught" "DB 101 050 (remedial)" "To DB or not to DB, is it really a question?" "Never tell me the odds! (of DB success)" "180s are not just tricks on a skateboard. They're hard to pull off in real life, too!"
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
It would seem that you echo, from another angle, what most of the vets say.
So I will start by saying, to no one in particular, my W deserved a better version of me than the one she got. What I deserve is irrelevant, and something for me to deal with much later.
My actions created in her a long-term pain that I minimized and tried to sweep under the rug. I have indeed, improved too little, too late.
I am lost. I need to really listen, to my W when she chooses to talk to me, to those on this forum, to MWD through her book, and find what works. I need to do what works! And soon. My fear that it is too late shouldn't stop me from DR/DB'g to the best of my ability.
I really don't know what to do. But I will start with being "present" and quiet, without crowding. I don't know what I'm competing against, but I must do what I can to erase or contrast who I am today with the man who did all this damage. But I can be still, and listen.
And get out of the house frequently, plan some GAL other than the workouts. Because, in all likelihood, nothing I do is going to change that woman's mind about me.
I need to stop hoping for a breakthrough.
Last edited by Shakspr; 09/23/1410:29 PM.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Great insight there buddy. Great place to start/re-start from.
H: 43 W: 37 M: 11 years T: 12 years S: 11 D: 8 ILYBINILWY, "I want to move out" and "I want a divorce": 3/23/14 MC started: 9/22/14 Affair and past infidelity discovered: 9/26/14 Piecing: 10/20/14
So I will start by saying, to no one in particular, my W deserved a better version of me than the one she got. What I deserve is irrelevant, and something for me to deal with much later.
I think many of us can say and admit to that, thats where we start the game plan of what to change first, and how to become a better version of ourselves.
Originally Posted By: Shakspr
My actions created in her a long-term pain that I minimized and tried to sweep under the rug. I have indeed, improved too little, too late.
Ok .. mt opinion here. I have read here a few times (I had to .. and its starting to sink in) that long term pain you caused her, its not going to be gone/forgotten/fogiven inside of a couple months while your WAW is looking to get out of your M. You can not un do those things and make it go away that fast .... you have to change for you, not for her ... she will see through it ... even if you land her back its a band aide fix, this fix needs to stick... and more importantly ... your W needs to trust it.
Originally Posted By: Shakspr
I am lost. I need to really listen, to my W when she chooses to talk to me, to those on this forum, to MWD through her book, and find what works. I need to do what works! And soon. My fear that it is too late shouldn't stop me from DR/DB'g to the best of my ability.
Its not to late, its never to late to better yourself. My advice .... and it took me a bit. STOP looking at the prize, looking at this as a game to win, getting her back can not be the goal here. Becoming a man she wants, any woman would want, work on YOU, that's where you need to focus this energy. I know its tough, believe me, months spent reading in an empty bedroom all alone, it [censored] ... but for me it was the journey I had to go through to start becoming who I needed to be. I am not there yet, not sure if I will be that man for my W .. but I am starting to accept who I am, who I want to be and I am comfortable in my own skin. (its been a year for me since BD .... and I still hope for R of my M)
Originally Posted By: Shakspr
I really don't know what to do. But I will start with being "present" and quiet, without crowding. I don't know what I'm competing against, but I must do what I can to erase or contrast who I am today with the man who did all this damage. But I can be still, and listen.
And get out of the house frequently, plan some GAL other than the workouts. Because, in all likelihood, nothing I do is going to change that woman's mind about me.
I need to stop hoping for a breakthrough.
A few tips, do these things for you, and dont tell her as the book says. Be mysterious, you want her to take notice, become confused, there is a reason GAL, 180, PMA are the cornerstone triple threat techniques on the board. These build YOU up, makes you focus on the one thing you have control over ... YOU. you have to stop obsessing over her as hard as that is, I relate, but you have to for YOU.
Hope it helps, and may be a bit of a 2x4, but I just read your stuff and I see me from a year ago, I made those mistakes and it put me back 6 months atleast. Keep working, we are rooting for you.
