WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[bdub]

Ahoy, I agree with you. I am starting to think I had gone too far. She continually denied my efforts to help, in any way. Honestly it p*ssed me off so I withdrew. I still worked on the laundry, the dishes and keeping the house orderly. I only spoke to her to communicate something about the boys or our schedule. I know I contributed to some of the stress, and that was really bothering me.
My attitude changed, probably more than hers. I am going to keep doing what I have been doing for the last few days. I am going to work on adding in some humor of some sort, or maybe just keeping a lighter mood. I know she is still leaving and does not want to work on R. I have not asked and I will not bring it up. However if I can keep the atmosphere a little lighter, that might be my way of helping her relieve some stress.

[bdub]

Late Sunday and yesterday evening we have shared a LOT of eye contact. There have been smiles, inside jokes, and she even giggled a little at my attempt at a little flirt. What little down time we have (an hour an evening, max)we spent together doing nothing the last 2 nights. The weeks before that we retreated to our room, or I went outside.
All of that could be seen as a baby step but I am not going to let it mean any more than that. Driving to work this morning I was processing and thinking. My mind wandered into planning a R talk and I immediately snapped myself out of it. That would be a big backslide.

[bdub]

Gathering intel I discovered a TON of phone calls and texts. I am not sure what to make of it but I think it might have had something to do with her extra high stress levels. Is there trouble in paradise? Is he pushing her to move? Is she falling in love and the guilt kicked in? Is she conflicted about us? Is he pressuring her too much? Maybe she was planning on spending the night with him Saturday night and that triggered the stress. Maybe she did spend the night with him and that relieved the stress and thats why she started acting "better" towards me. All things I will never know.

I also discovered one of my boundaries has been crossed. We agreed to no phone calls from our property and there have been a few the last couple of days. After going to bed in separate rooms. I will have to reinforce that tonight.

Regardless of the outcome, I have to maintain the peace until she signs the trust papers turning over a TON of assets to our boys. Because that is not done, I am not sure I can even enforce that boundary. Anyway, I can always remind her and hope it sinks in.

I know I am going to get 2x4 for gathering intel, but I am in starsky's camp on this. I can handle the information and feel its very important to know what I am dealing with.

[mindsin]

How do you plan on enforcing the "no call" boundary?

[bdub]

I mentioned in my post that I am not sure that I even can. If I elect to enforce it now, rather than remind her, then I stand to lose a LOT. We agreed to a dissolution and I dont think she will go back on that. However, if I raise too much of a stink she certainly could refuse to sign the trust papers. We hired an attorney to draw up a trust to transfer all of our farm assets to the boys with both of us maintaining dual control. We turned the rough draft back in over 2 weeks ago so I am hoping and praying that the final docs are done and in the mail.

The original method of enforcement was " I am not sure what will happen but I will not continue to cooperate with you and be supportive through this process" I left it vague so as not to paint myself into a corner.

I am not going to bring it up until I have had a chance to sleep on it and decide if it is the right thing to do.

[bdub]

Update:
I reminded W of my boundary and she apologized and said she would respect it. It was a decent conversation actually. How long will it last?

Ironically the trust papers arrived in the mail yesterday afternoon. Also ironically W is on jury duty and is only a block away from the attorney. Crossing my fingers that she will stop in and sign at lunch break like she said!

[bdub]

W sent a TM saying she signed the trust papers. That hurdle has been cleared. Once the trust is established (tomorrow) then we quit claim the real estate over to the trust and a HUGE financial headache is done.

It is amazing that she is the WAW but the only thing that has happened re: separation is this. I was responsible for getting this done. Talked to her new "soon to be landlord" (she works with me)today and the previous tenants are still in the house and they have shown no signs of moving. The previous tenants are the landlords mom and brother. They are mooching off of her and she is allowing it. Not sure she will ever boot them out.

My state of mind right now is that I hope W stays home for the winter. I am sure that by tomorrow, my state of mind will be that she needs to get out ASAP.

By waffling like this am I assuring myself that I will be ok with whatever happens? I am terrible at having zero control. One of my major 180's is to get better at that.

I have had no input on simple things like driving together to games or practices. She has been finding reasons to have to be late or just on time to games. I just shake my head and watch the dollar signs float away at the gas that is wasted. I also get to discuss with the boys why mom is not riding with us to the games....

The boys have been asking more and more questions recently. They miss their mom. They resent her phone as much as I do now. S13 asked me how to approach W about texting and driving. I asked him how it made him feel. He said he felt like she was putting their lives in danger. I told him to politely tell her that the next time she was doing it. Also told him to expect her to yell at him. Sure enough 2 days later he told me he said " mom please dont text and drive, its too dangerous". He told me she immediately put her phone down and yelled at him. At least that has stopped for now.

S13 asked me who xxxxxx was. (insert OM's name there)I told him that I did not know who it was. He told me he saw his name on W's phone. The "me" from a few years ago would have suggested he ask her. I dropped it this weekend. I just let it go because S13 does not need to be in the middle. He may ask anyway. I cant help it if he does. In fact, I bet he already has.

S10 asked W (in front of me and S13) why she didnt come camping with us last weekend. He has also asked me why shes always on her phone. S10 is sharp tongued and Sunday he used it. W asked him why he was 30 minutes behind on his required reading for school. He snapped back " because I asked you 2 nights in a row for help and you never got off your phone"

[bdub]

I am off to see my IC for the last time. He is/was our MC. Friends of ours reccomended him to us 8 years ago when we went through a rough patch and the 7 year itch. He is a wonderful man and helped us trememdously in the past. With this sitch he has been seeing us individually and together and has really helped us both. He wasnt able to do much for us together because W wasnt willing to work.

When we first went back to him in July he told us he had colon cancer and it was slowing him down. The treatments have been causing him great pain. He revealed to me last week that he was probably terminal and that he and his wife had decided to shut his practice down.

I was the type that resisted counseling at first but I have really come to lean on it recently. He is an avid supporter of my DB efforts and even took the time to read DB and DR after my first session. He is very much pro marriage and had a background in solution based therapy. I have not been able to find another IC that is solution based that practices within 50 miles of my house. I hope today he gives me a good reference. I also hope today that I am able to hold it together emotionally. I am already "welling up" and my appointment is an hour away.

[Ahoy]

Hang in there bdub! Life is big, and this part will seem very distant in the future. You will come through one way or another.

[bdub]

IC went well. He seemed in very good spirits and acted like he felt pretty good. We talked a lot about me and what I am doing to become a better person. He told me I had made huge strides in a short time. We finally started working on communication skills. I had been reading a lot about it and applying what I have read. Working through some of the trouble spots with him was a huge help for me.

Last night was tense at home. Something had changed and it was obvious. I tip toed around her for 2 hours and she kept trying to lash out every chance she had. I finally just asked her what had changed between us in the last 24.

She stated that I did not respect her privacy yesterday morning because when she was in our closet changing I walked in and started changing myself. I validated her concern and apologized for not being considerate. For 15 years we got up, and got ready together in the mornings. We even usually walk to the cars together.
I then backslid and said that it had never been an issue for 6000 days and that it was just a habit. I should not have discounted her feelings.
Then she started in about something I did in the afternoon.

I volunteered to take her vehicle in to have the oil changed and tires rotated. The last thing I did was filled it with fuel for her. She asked me how it went and I told her, then I told her I swept it out and fueled it up. Reverting back to marriage mode I pointed to my cheek (asking for a peck). She stood up and laid one on me.
Turns out that was not the right thing to do and it really bothered her. I am just confused because she walked 5 feet to peck me on the cheek and she thanked me.

expectations