WAW still at home, 3 weeks after asking for D

[bdub]

Wet,
No, we drag in the 30 foot long camper with AC, fridge, heat, bunk beds, tvs, the whole sha bang. "glamour camping", or "glamping" some people call it.
I am glad to say that I dealt with it all very well. No anxiety, not fights. I felt good all weekend and kept up my pma and acting as if.
Last night was a backslide though. We were both up stairs and I went down to turn the furnace on for the night. Her phone was there on the table and it buzzed and lit up. The first part of the text scrolled across the top of the screen. " grinning from ear to ear sweetheart". I walked up and told her she had a text and asked who would be grinning from ear to ear sweetheart.
Of course that didnt go well. However, it wasnt a shouting match or even a real tense dissagreement. She 'scolded" me for looking, and I defended myself because it was right there on the table in the dark and lit up. Yes, I looked. I expressed my dissapointment with the fact that she had not stopped it. She said all she ever told me was that she would not physically see him until she moved out. She said it was all texts and a few phone calls. We left it at that.
This morning was awkward but civil.
I have come to the conclusion that our marital money should not be used to fund her fling so I decided to get online and split the phones up so she had her own bill. I snooped some more and was dissapointed to find that it was massive amounts of texts, include while at s10 and s13 games . It was also massive (1500 minutes) amounts of calls. Every day commuting and at every one of s10's practices. I will not speak another word of it, but at least now I have the intel that starsky speaks of. With this new info I will redouble my efforts of DB and continue to 180 what i can. I feel that I have detached WAY more than I thought I had, or was able too. I am not there, but I am making progress.

[bdub]

As her move out day approaches (still no set date) I am spending less and less time around W. When we speak I am polite and friendly, like a neighbor. The only issues I am helping with are the ones that effect me like removing names from accounts and switching beneficiaries on insurance. I really want to ask her to give me half the money for the last 2 months phone bills ($230 bucks total) but I think that will come of as punishing and petty. Maybe even controling and vendictive. I will let it slide unless she pushes for something to change that we have already agreed on, and then I suppose I will use it as a bargaining chip. Someone has said " he who cares the least has the most power" I can really see this as being true right now. 2 weeks ago I would have been a wreck from these developments. Today I see it as intel, and motivation to stand firm and be the man that I want to be.

[bdub]

u-turn,
Expectations are a big trip up for me. Since I started this ordeal I have always ended a conversation or text conversation with a thank you, especially if I was asking something. So, since I do that I expect it back. Wrong. I also expect her to be consious about saving a little money here and there. Little things like riding to games together. We DO still live together. Wrong. My mindset has really changed over the weekend. She is no longer anywhere near the person she was and that is in ALL catagories of life.

[bdub]

Journaling:
W killed my plans to go out of Friday night because she refused to take the boys to the campsite. She had to clean her new apt Friday night and Saturday. I put the boys first so I changed my plans and took them. I was frustrated and I let her know I did not agree with her actions. 3 days later (when it came time to actually get the keys and go in and clean) we found out the other people have not moved out. She went appliance shopping instead and I wished her luck.

Saturday after s13 soccer game W was very stressed and frustrated with the house not being available. She attempted to take it out on me and I asked her to stop directing her hostility towards me. This upset her and put her in fight mode but I did not take the bait. She was extremely agitated. I offered to let her go with the boys to the camper and I would stay home. She said she would not go and basically broke down. She looked ill and extremely stressed so I backed off trying to get her to make a decision about what was going to happen for the day. I gathered the boys and politely told her we would go to the camper again. I milled around the house for 15 minutes to be sure she was going to be ok and it was obvious she was not. I tried to talk to her and help relieve some of the stress but she would not have it. The boys and I left and I called MIL and told her that W was having a tough tough afternoon and she volunteered to come to the house to see her. I waited 2 hours and drove back home to be sure everything was ok. MIL was there and they informed me they were going to go back to MIL house and spend the night.

I sent a polite text and copied them both. "Pls let me know everything is ok and you will be able to rest" W responded back that she was ok and she just needed to decompress. She thanked me for being concerned. MIL texted back thanking me for letting her know what was going on.

[bdub]

Sunday at S10's football game W didnt look much better. She did eat a sandwich and that seemed to help. As the game was finishing I told her I was going to run into town and get laundry detergent. She stopped me and said " lets all 4 go and we will get groceries too".
The boys sat in the car (windows down of course !) and we walked through the grocery store and talked non stop for 2 hours. She was visibly better as the afternoon went on. She offered to get meals to take home for us and I agreed and told her I would take the groceries home.
We talked later about the weekend and I expressed my concern for her stress level. I offered to do, or not do, whatever she needed to help eliminate some stress. I know thats not being detached but in my eyes she was borderline breaking down. I will go back to DB this evening if she seems to be doing better.

Later on I asked her to come watch a tv show with me and she said " lets go upstairs and lay down and watch it". As we watched, we talked a little. As we talked I could tell she was feeling better. That gives me hope that when we get home this evening she will be a little better and this issue will have passed.

[bdub]

I know that the above posts deviate from DB. I had taken some time off to be at the camper Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I was trying to give her space, but in reality I dumped the boys on her. I had forgotten she had a seminar that required her to drive an extra half an hour to work. that, combined with getting the boys to school (my daily job) she had to leave the house an hour earlier than normal. She never mentioned the seminar until I was litterally closing the door to leave Wednesday. I immediately stopped and sat my stuff down and took my shoes off with intentions of staying home. She wouldnt allow it so I went anyway.

To me, I think I did the right things by going against DB because W was SO stressed out and about to break down. I think maybe it was my way of customizing DB to my sitch. I have no plans of continuing to do what I did this weekend, provided shes ok mentally and physically tonight. I know she appreciated my efforts because she told me several times. Tonight will be back to detaching and working on me and my 180s. Oddly enough, I still feel detached even after the way the weekend went. Does that mean detaching is working?

[MrBond]

"To me, I think I did the right things by going against DB "

Not sure what you mean by this. DB means to do what works and creates a positive interaction with your spouse. You did read the books, correct?

[bdub]

Mr. Bond,

I did read them. I didnt really mean going against DB. I meant I momentarily stopped detaching and GAL and focused more on her. After looking back at what happened, and what I typed, I did not backslide as much as I initially thought. I did not persue, I did not talk about our R, I did not talk about the future, and I did not help her move forward with the D.

[Ahoy]

You were being compassionate, bdub. If that ruins your chances of saving the marriage, I say it's worth it. I'd rather be a good, compassionate person than see someone suffer. I'm sure your wife appreciated your concern.

[bdub]

Interestingly, she was happy to see me when she got home from work. She came to me and initiated talk about the boys and small talk. I offered to take S10 to football, and she said " that would be good. I will make us all some supper for when you get back" The boys and i were thrilled! Shes a good cook, and we have been so busy we have been eating cold cuts, fried foods, and fast food for a few months.

As she was starting to prep the food I was getting water and gear ready for S10 and listening to her talk about her day. Frustrations with computer systems, co workers and the general environment. I walked through the dinning room and saw a summons for jury duty for her that she received a week ago. The dates on the paper were for today and tomorrow. She had forgotten about it. I showed it to her, and told her that she could call in after 5 to check the status of the case. She immediately called and the trial is still on. I immediately tensed up thinking this additional stressor would cause a negative reaction. I knew she was going to have to go back in to work to get lesson plans ready, and she was going to have to input grades into the system because they were due Wednesday. One of her gripes from earlier was that no one knew how to operate the new system. That meant she was going to have to "wing it" and deal with the fact that some things might be wrong.
I can honestly say she handled it all with poise and grace. I was pleasantly surprised by it. Even when our R was good, this would have set her off and caused major stress and tension. I asked her what I could do and she told me to give her a minute. So, I continued to prepare to leave with S10. Within 5 minutes she came to me and laid out a plan for the evening and it was handled very well. She was going to finish cooking and put it in the oven then head back to work and get her plans and grades done and come home. I told her I had the house under control and we would be there when she was done.
She told me she would text me when she was leaving. When I got the text I turned the oven back on and had the food warming up for her. Major 180 for me, I have never helped with stuff like that unless she specifically asked me too.
Whe she got home she came right to me and started venting about how everything went wrong. If it could break it did. If it needed to be turned on, it was turned off. I validated, actively listened and sympathized with her. As we talked I walked to the kitchen, got the food out of the oven and dished her out a plate full, all while she stood there and talked. As she got her drink and started to walk away, she said " what in the h*ll just happened there?" We shared a smile and she gave me a look that expressed a warm, almost surprised, thank you.
As she sat down to eat I started to walk away and she asked me to sit at the table with her. More baby steps? We sat and talked for half an hour, just the 2 of us. It was warm, cordial, friendly and borderline intimate.
This morning was light and stress free. (180 for both of us even in an uneventful day)

I still dont know exactly what cause the semi melt down on Saturday. i still dont know why things have suddenly changed for the better.
Was the meltdown a result of something with her and OM? Was the change for the better because of her mom? Church? Me? OM?
Maybe she was feeling guilty because she went to see OM and now shes realizing she got away with it. Maybe she is reacting to my lighter mood. Maybe I need to stop wondering why and start focusing on keeping it going.