Wife Still in MLC but has now left #4

[Lifes Twists]

Mighty,

I think when they say expect nothing they mean nothing that should be normal. I am working on this myself like probably everyone here. We all have to expect the new norm. Whether its craziness, indifference, checked out, or even outright hostility. If we expect this then it won't phase us or through us off our game. Its part of detaching that is a struggle for everyone.

[Matt165]

Hi mirage, LT and Mighty,
Thanks everyone. I realize that you are all right on the mark. It has just been a very stressing few days and this was just the "cherry on top" as they say. I got ANOTHER notice from the IRS that contradicts a pervious notice, I am having to write a "response" to the letter my W's lawyer sent to my lawyer saying why she should get to just allow me to live at the house until D14 turns "18 and one day" and then have to sell it and give her 1/2 (that letter was so full of bull poop it was ridiculous!) and I'm not making as much progress at work as I NEED to. I think all that added up to me being more "upset" than I should have been.

I know you're right about my D14 knowing that having me there is important for her, right now especially. She has been put through so much over the last year and a half and it hurts me to know that she doesn't have a mother that cares enough about her to just be there for her.

It was my greatest fear in all this....what would happen to my D's if my wife D me. Well, my answer is my D19 is now living with her boyfriend because she refuses to live with her mom and I can't afford to help her get a car (D19 really doesn't want to live with him but would just be stuck at home as I live in the country and there are no buses or anything. If she lives with me she would NEED a car. It hurts that I can't help her with that!) and now I know that my W is leaving her teenage D alone every night while she works "off the clock" and doesn't even get paid for it! I also was just reading someone else's sitch about how they aren't sure if they should start mediation because of how it would impact the kids....boy, do I understand how she feels!

The thing that upsets me ISN'T that my W doesn't have the decency to even acknowledge the effort. That I actually expected, as that's par for the course. It's just that there is nothing I can do about how she is treating my D. That it seems perfectly OK with the courts that when my W has my D14, she will leave her alone, not bother to take her to school, move her so far away from me so it is a 30 mile trip to get her to school when she's with me, really just not care much about what is best for her and just allow my W to have custody 50% of the time.

Since my W went back to work after her depression, this is how she acted. She just stopped being a wife and mother and her work became all she really cared about. All her friends are at her work. All her thoughts are about her work. All her time is spent there or going out with the same people she works with. She works 60-70 hours a week but only gets paid for 40, sometimes even less if her patient load is low. How is it that my W can see this as the life she wants to live? How can she NOT see that her D's need her in their lives? And the biggest question of all, why does my W even want to fight me on custody? Why can't she just see that D14 is better off living with me and that's that?

I know what is coming down the road soon and it scares me. At some point there will come a time when D14 is going to rebel, get into trouble, do something stupid because that is what teenagers do. It is part of growing up. The thing is that it's how the parents handle that that will either see that teen potentially ruin their life or if it just becomes a bump in the road, a lesson learned. I now know I can't count on my W to help her D through those "bumps" and I won't be around half the time to even be able to help. That is one of the reasons that I never believed in D. My W can say all she wants that D doesn't hurt kids but she's wrong. It takes away the stability of having a team to help them when they need that help most and it really hurts knowing that I just couldn't stop my W from ending a 21 year M. That I really, really tried to keep my m strong, not just for me but because I know that is what my D's needed and I failed. Not because of anything I did or didn't do but because my W just stopped trying herself. Because of my W's MLC and messed up childhood.

I think it's the feeling of helplessness that has me holding on to my anger. That in reality you can do so much, work so hard, choose a person who feels the same about family and in the end it just doesn't matter. That person can just change their mind about what is important in life and there is nothing you can do. You can't even count on the courts to see or care which parent your kids are better off with. THAT'S why I'm still so angry. The feeling helpless against someone who is so obviously in the wrong, who just doesn't care and not being able to do a thing about it!

Thanks guys. It really isn't that I expect my W to do or not do anything. It's more the fact that she has no consequences from her actions. She can act any way she wants and still she has the power to keep my d away from me for 1/2 the time. That she uses the fact that I care as much about D14 as I do to make her life easier, to not have to "bother" to do the things she should be doing and still I'm having to fight just to have a place to live after taking care of W for so very long when she couldn't take care of herself. How helpless this makes me feel and of course the nagging little feeling that I failed in all this somehow. That if I had only done a better job or done something different, my M wouldn't be ending. That's the thing that I need to get past!

[pbetra]

Not much 2 add but (!!) ....

What ever different u think u could have done wouldn't have mattered Matt. You doing differnt would only affect the variables - the 'when' it/mlc was going to happen.

Here's the constant - it would happen anyway!!! Once there is dysfunction, it's only a matter of time b 4 there is 'mental unravelling'
Pls don't think that way - u have a lot ahead of u. Save your 'resources'/ energy. You will need it!

Take care, pb

[Matt165]

Thanks pbetra!
The word dysfunction is one that has been on my mind a lot lately. I know (and always knew) that my W came from a "dysfunctional" family. In fact it was an extremely dysfunctional one. BUT I also knew that my W was well aware of the pain that caused her, her mother and brother and THOUGHT she had learned to never allow this to happen to her family. Believe me, we talked about this much before we got M as both myself AND my W swore that we would only ever marry once and for life.

I know that the studys all say that people who come from dysfunctional families have a greater chance to have one of their own. But I believed my W when she said that she would be LESS likely because she had lived through it and knew the pain it caused. That turned out to just not be the case. Now I worry that no matter what I do, my D's are much more likely to have problems of their own. They are girls and they will model their behaviors after their mother to a greater extent than boys would. Can I do enough to help them overcome what they are learning from their mother? My W thought she had learned to be a better parent from having gone through a lifetime of bad parents of her own but in end couldn't stop herself from doing what had been done to her. She says that she won't "abandon" her D's like her father did his family. But while he may have moved 800 miles away when he abandoned her and her brother, she may still live with one of her D's but it doesn't mean she hasn't abandoned her! Just being near your child doesn't mean that you are there for them and what she is doing is just as bad as what her father did to her, she just hasn't moved away physically!

I know this sounds like me complaining about my W's behavior once again but in reality it's more about me. Why did I choose someone who came from my w's background in the first place? Why did I allow my w to act the way she did for so long? Why didn't I take action sooner when she was so depressed and later when she stopped acting like a mother and wife? Why did I buy into my w's excuses, her saying she was just "sick"? Why did I allow myself to trust her so much when I should have known she couldn't be trusted?

The most important thing in the world to me has always been my family. It kept me going when bad things happened. I remember thinking when I held my oldest D in my arms right after she was born that every decision I ever made from now on would not only affect me but her as well and I had better make sure that I made the right choices because her future was on the line as much as my own. When things went bad and I could have just called it quits, played the victim card and allow it to drag me down, I never let it because I had to think of my family, including my W! I never needed "stuff", I sacrificed nice homes, cars, vacations, etc. in favor of sending my kids to better schools, giving them the best start possible and never regretted it until the day my W bombed me. My W decided to destroy the single most important thing in my life, my family and I couldn't stop her. I have tried so very hard for so long to make the right decisions for my family over myself. I truly thought that no matter what the constant in my life would be we would always have each other.

Now I find myself watching my W systematically tearing apart what I spent so much time and effort building for long. And for no reason that makes sense to me. I know she is in crisis and her past hurts are catching up to her but at the same time I see her running to the man who caused most of those hurts looking for his love and approval while at the same time blaming me for her pain! It's a lot to deal with.

I know I still have my girls so I still have my "family" just without my W being part of that family. But at the same time I know my W is doing so many things that will hurt my D's and I can't stop that. I will now have to miss so much of my D's life, every other holiday, the day to day interactions that parents and kids share (and those are so hard to come by during the teen years, missing any one is big!), kisses good night and Sunday morning breakfasts. The small things that make up a lifetime of memories! The fun stories about how her mother and I met and our early lives are now "painful" stories to be avoided.

This is about me and how I'm going to react to what has happened. To the betrayal and pain. The fact that I have to stop allowing myself and my actions to be at all tied to what my W does or doesn't do because she has become someone who can't be trusted and as much as I would like to have custody of my D14 because of whatever reason my W won't just let this go. I can try and get custody but is that my best move? Or do I just do what I know is right, not let the fact I'm being used by my W to allow her to do what SHE wants over what is best for her D (as awful as I find that) not bother me and just know that, in the end I tried my best and my d will know this.

I now have to spend time writing a response to my W's lawyer and take even more time from my work because my W is a selfish greedy person who cares more about herself than anything. Thanks for checking in pbetra. I really think I'm doing better now. Time for me to pack in the anger, the hope that my w will ever be whole again and just understand that I now have to step up and just be the constant in my D's life since she will never be able to count on her mother again as long as she lives as I don't ever see my W coming out of this. Like her father, I see her living out her days in her MLC tunnel, hiding from the truth of her pain. If she can't even see the hurt she is causing her D's because of her own pain, nothing in this world will ever be able to get her to stop and look where she needs to....inside. I must resign myself to the fact that my old W is gone forever. Do what I can for my girls and just move on with my life and just leave her as far behind as possible.

[Matt165]

Good morning everyone,
The last year of my life has been so hard and painful. I look at how I have reacted to my W's chit and I see myself as someone who could have and should have handled things so differently. I continued to believe that she would "wake up" or that I could somehow have some effect on her and her actions. I have allowed myself to start moving forward but then react to my W's latest "outrage" and stop moving (or worse, take a step back). I have allowed myself to be distracted from what I should be doing. I can't let this keep happening. I MUST do what NEEDS to be done but I still find myself many times just frozen in place, having to do things that I just don't want to and never thought I would need to (like my reply to my W's lawyer's letter).

I see my W who has always been a person who has a hard time following through with things march step by step forward without missing a beat when it comes to getting me out of her life and I think that for her to do that she must so very much hate me! She has a hard time doing things that take the kind of planning and follow through she's shown when it's things she really likes and wants to do. What does it say that she is so intent on getting away from me that she sure has been methodical in doing that.

I have discovered that deep down, even after finding so much out about MLC and why S's do this, knowing that she had such a weird and horrible relationship with her father (and he is back in her life and pushing her), knowing that she has all the makings of someone who was going to have a MLC, I still wonder what I did or didn't do that I should or shouldn't have done. I wonder why this is happening after so many years of trying so hard to have a good M. I wonder if maybe I deserve this somehow or if maybe my W is right and I am somehow to blame.

I guess I just want to understand why, after so many years of being the person who took care of my family, including my W, that when I needed her to help me get started in doing what I wanted (my new position at the startup company) she just abandoned me. Here was a woman who swore that she would never get a D, never just give up on her M and now she is doing all the things she swore she wouldn't.....what does that say about me? If I had been different would she still have done the same?

I know intellectually that what my W is doing is about HER, not ME. But I still have this little voice deep down inside that keeps saying that it's my own fault. I deserve this because I wasn't good enough. How do you stop that little voice!

How do you just decide that what you worked for for the last 26 years is now just over. You put in a lot of hours, put your heart and soul into it but, in the end it just didn't work. Oh, well. Time to find something new to build your life around, no use crying over spilled milk. Time to just end your old life, salvage what you can from the wreckage and start on the new one. I'm finding this very hard to do!

I guess I'm just feeling a little down today. But I also wanted to be honest with myself in that I may know that this is about her, not me. I may know that I had little to do with what my W is doing but at the same time knowing something and really feeling deep down are two different things. I need to shut that little voice up, I know. But it's not as easy as it sounds!

[BRNR]

Matt165,

I know how you feel...

I guess I'm just feeling a little down today. But I also wanted to be honest with myself in that I may know that this is about her, not me. I may know that I had little to do with what my W is doing but at the same time knowing something and really feeling deep down are two different things. I need to shut that little voice up, I know. But it's not as easy as it sounds!

BUT it does get better. Often times I think, "If I did everything it appears he wanted and needed would we be here?" And the answer is a resounding YES...because they don't know what they want or need...and chances are when they were with us (if we look at it in hindsight) we gave them everything they needed and wanted at the time and now they want something different, and they will continue to want something different until...THEY FIX THEMSELVES!!!

I guess I do a lot of "thinking" and these are the types of things I have to remind myself of when the times get hard. Being honest with yourself is part of the process and in my opinion is a healthy way to live and get through this time and so much more.

I also understand where you are with the kid thing...I'm going through my fair share of the kid/parent drama myself...and you know what...I know I have the best interest for my kids and will continue to act in that manner. I let my Shmoopie hang himself time and time again with our children, and after almost two years, I see that my kids aren't so confused anymore...they are downright angry and tired of the crap. They will do what they need to do, and you just have to trust that they see you as a guiding light and will act in a manner that you can support and be proud of. Afterall, they are people too and will have to make their own choices.

Not to sound cliche, but it will be okay if you can have faith in you and your children.

[TSquared2]

I have discovered that deep down,....
I still wonder what I did or didn't do that I should or shouldn't have done. I wonder why this is happening after so many years of trying so hard to have a good M. I wonder if maybe I deserve this somehow or if maybe my W is right and I am somehow to blame. ....

But I still have this little voice deep down inside that keeps saying that it's my own fault. I deserve this because I wasn't good enough. How do you stop that little voice!

NOW you are looking in the correct general direction...


Go back a few threads...Mach posted some questions for you to consider... there is the beginning path to quieting that voice...

[Matt165]

Hope everyone had a great weekend!
As for me, it's been really....weird. First off, my oldest D19, stayed with me Friday night. I had to pick her up because her boyfriend can't afford the gas so I met them half way. We had a fun Friday night but she also wanted to go see her mom because my W (for the first time since she left) promised to take my D19 to get some clothes. So, we met my W Saturday afternoon so they could do some shopping together. Let me tell you, my W looks really bad! She is so very thin and gaunt looking. Her dress was hanging on her because it was too big, she had an ugly look on her face. She just looked really bad.

My W actually was nice to me and was friendly although she kept her distance once again like if I touched her she might burst into flames! My D19 brought up the fact that her mom has been leaving D14 home alone late every night. She was telling me that her mom has been going to a health club and doing Zoomba a few nights a week as well as working late. She is still upset about her mom just leaving, her sister not getting to go to private school and how her mom has been acting. She, being 19, seems to be more open about how she feels about her mom and the whole D thing.

Well, today I am supposed to meet my W and pick up D14 for my week having her. I got a call from my W and she said that D14 is wanting to stay with her again this week because it's takes longer to get to school from my place (this is because my W moved 30 miles away and put her in school near her) and she didn't think this was a good idea. I was shocked that not only was my W on MY side, she was actually concerned and nice about it! At one point I told her D14 has been asking me to move closer to where her mom lives and my W was telling me how much easier living there is because it's closer to everything (we live way out in the country, mainly because my W wanted to!), how nice the area is, etc. We decided that D14 is just going to have to suck it up and get out of bed a little earlier and that's that.

Well an hour later, my D14 calls me. She said that she has to get to school early because she is having trouble in one of her classes, said it's not that she doesn't want to see me, it's just she has trouble getting up "so much earlier" (yeah, about 20 min's) and it's just this week, can she PLEASE stay at her mom's, etc. I told her that it stinks that she has to do this. I wish things were different but there's just nothing to do. She has to come with me. She was begging and I told her that it's not just up to me, her mom also must say it's OK and asked if she told her mom about going in early. We left it with I didn't think it would change but I would talk to her mom again and see what she thought about just this week.

Well, my W called back a couple hours later and asked about what we were going to do. I asked if D14 had mentioned the going in early and she said no, not until after she spoke with me on the phone. We both just decided that she needed to just come to my home as planned. She, again, was nice and friendly! That is so unusual. She did ask me if I could give her some batteries (?) as she knows that I have a bunch and she had to take some out of something of hers to give to D19. Of course she tied it to my D19 and I really don't mind. We planned on meeting when she took D19 to meet BF. Again, in the past she would have had me take her to meet BF so once again progress.

I meet my W and she was looking really bad once agin and upset. She took me aside and said that she is "feeling overwhelmed" because she had to spend $400 on D19 this weekend, had to pay $155 for D14's school lunches and payed for Dr's, etc. I stayed really calm, validated her feelings and only said I would help pay for D's lunches but I just don't know how as she set it up. She stayed NICE, unbelievable as in the past this is where she would "freak out". She said that she didn't think I could as she tied it to her and her account. I told her maybe I would just write her a check next time or something else we can work out. She actually left it at that! Now, you need to remember she is mostly upset about money for D19! I help her as much as I can but I just don't have the money right now and that is because of W leaving when she did. She knows that I'm trying my best and that I make A LOT less than her but I still do what I can.

As she was leaving she spoke to me about an event going on at D14's school, that she has off Friday and maybe she would want to stay at her house Thursday night I can get her Friday afternoon. She also said her dad is in bad shape, is back in hospital and has gained 30 lbs. from water his edema is so bad. That she may being going to visit him next weekend but isn't sure. I gave her my sympathy and said to let me know as I would keep D14 an extra night if needed. Maybe this is why she is so upset. Can't be sure and that's just some "mind reading" but could be. I do know she hasn't seen her father for the last couple weeks and I have noticed the longer she is away from him, the nicer she is to me.

Just so you know, D14 is fine now that she is home with me. Hasn't complained once about getting up early. I just think she is a bit overwhelmed by the constant going back and forth, living out of suit case, etc. As for my W, Although she hasn't once said a single word about it, I'm starting to think she may be not finding all the joy she hoped. May just be wishful thinking on my part but she sure doesn't SEEM any "happier". Of course, that doesn't mean she will slow down on destroying our family or even when it comes to the D. I really think she just feels like she couldn't stop even if she wanted at this point. She has taken things so far, her father is pushing her to keep going and she has "made up her mind" and that's that. I just am hoping that she MAY just be starting to see that she isn't going to just simply run away and magically be so very happy. Who knows. I do know that it really makes no difference in regards to what I need to do for ME and my D's. It would just be so satisfying if she did start to realize that she has been blaming all the wrong people and things for all her unhappiness!

So, that has been my weekend. Tomorrow I need to buckle down and make some money. I have a feeling W is going to be asking for money very soon!

[Matt165]

Oh Boy! I swear I'm so bad at reading what is going on with my W anymore.

So, after the 2 times I have spoken and seen my W over the last couple days, I find out that there is a reason for all this. My lawyers office called and although I only got a message, it looks like my W is playing hardball about the house!It's so bad that my lawyer wants to set up an appt. to speak with me and he's already been paid. He charged me a flat fee so for him to want to take time out and see me that is not good. I swear, my W is just so different than the person she used to be. I know she is in crisis, I know she is wanting what she wants and wants it now but I just don't get her.

First, "I'll never get a D"...this lasted 25 YEARS. Than, "I want a D, and I don't want to try". This lasted a few months. Than "I think it would be best for us to just separate. I know people that have been separated for over a year and it works for them" (at that time she gave all kinds of reason why it was better from money to the kids). That lasted a month. Then it was "I went to see a lawyer because my dad "made me" and I decided to file. But don't worry you don't need a lawyer of your own because we don't have anything much to split up and you can have the house". Than came the taking everything SHE wanted, putting my D14 in the school that was close to her even though it's 30 miles away from me, the freaking out if I just asked to keep something that we bought during the M. Then came her "Final Decree" where she offered to "allow" me to live rent free in the house until D14 was "18 and a day" and then sell it and she gets half.

I'm so disgusted with her behavior, who she has become, what is important to her and what means nothing. The fact that she will not even slow down and doesn't care even a tiny bit that she is hurting me, her kids, heck, herself. She won't even talk to me about what is going on with my d14's school. It's like I'm just this thing that's in her way. I read on here all the time where WAS's at least speak to the LBS. They are decent to them at least some of the time. They actually make attempts to "co-parent". My W won't even say thank you or acknowledge anything I do for her or D14. She is totally caught up in herself and her father. Oh, I just found out that her father has been "disciplining" D14 when he stays with my W. The man doesn't have the right to do that nor is he in a position to tell her how to act considering the kind of person HE is.

I guess what I'm saying is that my W has been in her MLC for at least a few years. By this time I would think that she would at least made some progress seeing that me and her M may not be the thing that has caused her so much pain and unhappiness but that's just not the case. I now am starting to think that there is no hope that I will ever see her as anything but someone that I would rather never have a thing to do with again in my life.The thing is I will need to deal with her in the future. There will always be times where we will need to see each other and important times at that. Someday my D's will get M. I don't want to make that an awkward time for them where they have to worry about if mom brings a date or dad does. Have to keep the families apart, etc. I so wanted, if it had to happen, that we could do this in a way that we could avoid any of the usual crap that comes along with D and my W said the same. But, just like everything else, she says one thing but does another.

I'm not spinning here, so don't get that idea. I'm just tired of having to deal with all that my W has caused. Having to always be responding to her latest "change of heart". Having to put up with knowing she is not doing what is best for my d14 and knowing there is nothing I can do to stop her. I'm starting to think maybe I should just sell the house "as is" if I can and give up the fight. I just am so tired and I know for sure that my W will never stop, never change, never be able to see past herself at what may be best for everyone. If I could I'd do like Heather and find a job far away and move there with my D's and never have to see my W again.

This is more or less a vent. A statement that no matter what I do to change, my W will never see me as anything but a block to her joy. She won't be happy until does everything she can to erase the last 26 years like they never happened. Until nothing is left of all the hard work of the last 20 years. No home. No family. Nothing at all. That makes me so unhappy and I really just no longer have faith in anyone. If my W, the person who I gave so much of myself to, worked so hard for can do this, can become such a different person, selfish uncaring person. How am I ever going to trust anyone ever again?

[AJM]

I get the venting. Curious though

I swear I'm so bad at reading what is going on with my W anymore

Does that mean you aren't trying to any longer?


AJ