This is terrifying - I hope you understand

[Nitty]

OK... so one thing that helped me get through episodes like this is what I learned in my support group.

Sit down in prayer or meditation. With you I know it will probably be prayer, right?

Try to be still, with God. I always think, "Be still, and know that I am God." And it helps me to be still and wait to hear His voice.

I ask God to be with me, to guide me. And then I turn my attention to the grief/pain/despair/whatever it is I'm feeling. If I don't know what it is (and for me, it used to be mostly fear) I try to identify it. To look at it.

When I can see what it is (say, the loss of your marriage, when you expected to be married forever), I try to immerse myself in it. I think of it as a pool I just wade into.

I spent a lot of time in this pool, staring at the tableau of Mr. Gritty and OW at family gatherings, at work functions, at barbecues, etc. I think of him holding her hand, telling her he loves her, etc. I think of my kids going to their wedding. I explored every aspect of this pool, every crevice.

Somehow just looking at it this closely helped me through the worst times. Did it help me when I found a tube of her mascara in Mr. Gritty's bathroom? NO. It doesn't grief-proof you against future pain. It does, however get you through the bad episode of grief/anxiety/whatever, without avoiding it or evading it.

Now my pool is filled with other images. So will yours.

Another thing: your friends. You need somebody you can call who is a friend to your marriage as well as a friend to you. Somebody in the same gender who can listen to you sob without judging.

[FunDad]

Thanks Nitty - that helped me alot today.

FunDad

[Shakspr]

Thanks, Nitty. Getting a scum skimmer for my pool. There's a lot of dreck in there. (But I'm leaving in the SNL drop you linked!)

Wife interrupted me while I was in prayer to tell me she was picking up the kids. There I was, taking your advice, as it were. She didn't realize what I was doing at first, and was apologetic after getting my attention. She asked if I was OK, I said "I will be." And I meant it. At least that didn't cause a conflict.

Working from home today to avoid looking like a hot mess at work. It's been peaceful, and the mid-day trip to the IC didn't hurt. W's still at home job-hunting (She's a LVN/LPN, so she'll find something) and monitoring the home-schooling of my SS15.

She still leans on me for so much...it's going to be a shock when I am not continually available. I'll do anything for my kids, but I know there will be abrasive moments when I say "No."

I have decided to let her stay as long as necessary to get a job and her feet under her, but I will cut her off from everything financial once the order is entered. She wants to leave, like yesterday, so she won't linger. I am 85% sure that I will not be helping her to move, except to get the children out from under foot.

[Shakspr]

Better PMA today. Leaned on some friends, turned in a major assignment at work. Putting in overtime to make a little $$ and offset erratic spending in my (still) joint account.

W has two interviews lined up. I fixed her resume'. She is thankful, of course, because she is MSOffice-challenged.

Ordered Putting Kids First and Mom's House/Dad's House off Amazon. Gonna put together a plan ahead of her request for one. Some patterns don't change - she has an idea, expects me to do the heavy lifting. NP, though. The more I work on the kid stuff, the better it will actually turn out.

[Shakspr]

Hey, Nitty, got your earlier post that was eaten. Thanks. I am still working hard to cope. Have got my tongue under control for now.

Cognitive dissonance. That's what this feels like. She has the same voice, speech patterns, everything. Still smiles at the same things, still laughs with or gets on to the kids in the same way.

But my wife is not there. She's been overridden by this divorce creature.

I am a mess. But I'm fighting back. I shall DB harder. I shall come through this with dignity. Somehow, some way.

[Shakspr]

Need to re-read, re-invigorate, re-inspire. No more moping. Going under the one month mark to D has made me morose. Well, screw that. I am stronger and smarter and growing! wiser.

Writing down some new 180s today! Somebody hold me to it. I want accountability.

I'm going to write a sonnet. Haven't done that in 20 years.

[Shakspr]

So, here's the thing...journalling, I suppose (hey, I wrote 7-8 lines of my sonnet...lemme alone.)

I need to understand the process. I am having a hell of a time with hopelessness and grief. I know, intellectually, that a day will come when I don't think about my W leaving me as soon as my eyes are open and the last thing before I go to sleep. I take no pleasure in the things that I like. Exercise is a temporary ameliorator.

I don't want this new reality. It pisses me off. It makes me hurt so bad that I want to break something and/or vomit.

So I have a real hard time DB'g - even the basic stuff. I can GAL away from home for a while, but my thoughts are with her. She is getting ready to go to an outpatient surgery (minor) right now in the next room and I just want to go in and hug her.

My 180's aren't enough - if they are for me, and not for her, I don't want 'em.

But I can't, of course. And I am hyper-emotional.

I am locked out of her private life now, completely. The only things she discusses with me are her job hunt and exercise/weight loss. For God's sake, she has mommyplasty scheduled for February after she finishes losing all the unnecessary pounds (BTW, I supported the idea 100% when she brought it up in June, even though we really can't afford it.)

Being honest, I have to believe there is at least a chance that an EA is involved. Looking back, when she was with her first husband, she reached out to me. (We've known each other since Band Camp in High School.) I didn't take the bait. She married the second husband soon thereafter, and while she was mid-way through that divorce, she told me she'd be in touch in 6 months or so.

Bottom line, she doesn't seem to leave a man if she doesn't think she's got another waiting in the wings.

I'm not snooping only because she's password protected the phone she got herself and I can't hack it. I suppose it doesn't matter - I'll know in the next 6 months or so anyway.

I feel like a complete fool and a failure.

[Shakspr]

Correction. I cracked her old phone. All the texts to friends say the same thing. I insulted and ignored her for too long, building a wall. She tried to scream through the window, but I didn't pay attention.

And the recent disagreements have probably only made that worse. I am only a man, though, and my grief remains real.

So, what now? Validate, try to re-establish trust, and pray. I am open to other suggestions. I will schedule my final DB coaching sesh and look for more strategies. Re-read DR with some hope, maybe.

[Ahoy]

Shakspr, thank you for your kind note on bashy's thread. I needed that. 25's note brought me down. I'm really trying my best, and even though I appreciate 25's guidance, I don't think he bothered to read my back story and learn about what I've been doing, aside from the holiday plans.

I'm sorry you're feeling down. Your W's back story with past relationships does raise some red flags. Better not to dwell on what may or may not be happening with other people. It won't benefit you to know if you're committed to trying to make the relationship work in the long run. Would it be nice to have honesty? Of course, but that's not something that will happen right now.

The grieving process is real, nevertheless. Just know that it will get easier in time. Sending positive vibes your way!

[Nitty]

Shakespr, I wrote a long-winded post last night about 6pm Pacific time, and it is gone!

I think I was a little pushy, but basically I'm thinking you're not doing enough GAL activities. I know you are working out, working on personal growth, but I see GAL as doing fun activities that require planning for the future, some anticipation of enjoyment, as well as possible interactions with other people (making new friends or growing old friendships).

I said I felt you needed to make a list, pronto, of all the things you have wanted to do and never could, either because you put them off, or possibly because your W refused to do them.

I made my list: camping, going to movies, ballroom, watersports, etc., and I started doing them. Planning these events, knowing I have something to look forward to... that is huge in giving me a PMA. (Prayer is huge, too, but GAL... that's acting As If I will be okay no matter what... and I will!)

And it's something I do for myself: Get a Life. With a real life and a PMA I am able to face setbacks and recover more quickly, even if I was the cause of the setback. And heaven knows I've been the cause of so many.

What are you doing to GAL? I don't know you in person, but I think you need to purchase a subscription to a Shakespearean theatre group. Or perhaps you need to join a community theatre group! Purchase some Nascar tickets. Go camping. Join a bowling league.

In my lost post, I suggested activities like these but you have your own list in your heart. What is it that you dreamed of doing? What is it that YOU love to do? Would love to do?

Not what your W would like to do with you, not what would make your W look at you and go "wow." Erase her from this list. What would YOU love to do???

If you can't think of something you'd love to do, just think of something you'd ENJOY. What is it that would make you excited for the weekend, knowing that you had it planned? Something that would challenge you but be fun?

I just don't think that working out is a good enough GAL. It needs to be recreation, something that re creates you.