I am clearly still hung up on expectations too. I'm sure that H and I spending the night together for his work event (getting my expectations up), has now sent me on a bit of a downward spiral because he's still not where *I* want him to be. Sometimes I do wonder if we should completely step away from each other for a while. The fact that he is still not fully committed really hurts me every time we hang out together. I wonder if I should step away until he can get 100% there, and protect my heart a bit. It seriously hurts.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
I personally think it's more important that you stay right where you are, as far as your interactions with H.
Start looking at the glass half-full instead of half-empty. You would have given a right arm two months ago to be where you are and have H this close. Why would you push him away now? Don't you see how that would be punishing H for *progress*??
Stick to the course you chose. Work on you and your issues when there's a "downtime" in the relationship. Bake him something, for goodness' sake! If you stop doing what you've been doing that has re-attracted H to you, he's going to realize it was all just a ploy ... and the fact is: it all WOULD have been.
We haven't encouraged you to be fun and flirty *only* to catch H's eye and attention. The idea is to also help YOU feel better about YOU. More self-assured. Confident. Beautiful.
Do not stop working on you, mdu. Pull yourself out of your doubtful, fear-heavy place. Don't wait on H to make you feel better or give you assurances; YOU do something that makes you feel better. Today. It's amazing what a walk will do for your spirits. Or how about a new outfit?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, how would I, or more specifically my marriage, survive without u? Xoxo
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
Time with H has really been doing a number on me. As I’ve posted, it gets my expectations up and then I start getting frustrated when H is not where I am. I end up lashing out at H, not nearly as badly as I used to but I still get enough zingers in here and there that it has an adverse affect. It’s what I do when I’m afraid or hurt. I quickly realize the error of my ways and apologize but then I end up beating myself up for screwing up AGAIN. It’s a vicious cycle that is really beating me down and I have been unsuccessful thus far at consistently breaking the pattern. I spoke at length with my IC yesterday about this whole dynamic and she felt strongly that I really need to start taking care of myself and I should back away from H for a bit.
So, I’m going dark for a while and focusing on me. Although I suppose it’s not dark in the traditional sense because IC suggested I be totally transparent with H about what I am doing, basically just be really honest and tell him that I need a break to take care of myself for a while. It’s really not a tactic to change things up or spark his interest; it really is to get myself emotionally stronger again.
The good news is I think this strategy aligns with what you all are recommending --- get the focus back on ME. The bad news is, I’m just not in a place where I can do that very well with H in the mix. Yes, it may ultimately push H away during this fragile pre-piecing time. But the fact is I don’t have a snowballs chance in he11 to get through piecing if I can’t figure out how to get my emotional strength up when I’m down like this.
Fortunately the timing is good. H is traveling next week so it will be quite easy to have no contact. I hate posting this. I feel like a failure. It’s just all too painful for me and when I am in pain I tend to behave badly. D4’s bday is coming up and so is our anniversary. That’s really throwing me too. D’s birth was so special for us. Our anniversary is going to be brutal. My IC actually strongly recommended that I do NOT spend time with H on our anniversary; she thought it was too high risk for me to lose it and then regret and beat myself up. It’s a little less than 2 weeks away. I figure I don’t need to decide right this minute.
So, back to GAL, here’s what I have planned. As hard as it is when I’m down it truly is the #1 thing that gets me emotionally back on track: *today – work, meetings in the morning, planning to do some reading up on industry trends in the afternoon. Clean up email! Get back to house items --- call for lawn care estimates *tonight – I’ll have the kids, plan D4’s bday party, send invites. *tomorrow – work during the day, kid free tomorrow night. Go running! *Saturday – kids soccer in the am (this one might be tough, H will be there), meeting a friend for a hike and dinner out in the afternoon/evening *Sunday – visit Dad in the am, kids home in the afternoon.
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
After reading your post, I think your update is very positive.
Quote:
The good news is I think this strategy aligns with what you all are recommending --- get the focus back on ME.
Yep, you have to learn to deal with the anxiety.
You are starting all over, easing into a relationship.
It isn't going to be all in or all out yet, and you have to learn to align your expectations to that reality.
The fact that you recognize you have a problem with this, and are taking the appropriate steps to figure out how you should deal with it before it creates a disaster, is wonderful.
Proactive, starting with a focus on you. Sounds good, mdu.
I had a pretty good response back on Friday and it all got chopped up by the IT Stooges. Just wanted to let you know that I've caught up on your thread after being away last week and was surprised at the many changes in your sitch.
A bit brain dead at the moment...will get back to you as I rev up a bit more.
Thx Wonka. I did have a chance to read it before it went poof! Right now things with H are taking a bit of a back seat. My Dad was admitted to the pysch ward this weekend --- severe dementia is making him violent, a bit of a menace to society! Oy. Dealing with all that right now so I may be away from the boards for a bit. Just not my focus at the moment..
M: 42 H: 43 M: 8 years S7 and D4 H has D19 and S25 from previous M Bomb: 3/6/14 OW discovered, EA & PA 1st separation, 10 days, decided to reconcile & moved back in. Fail 2nd separation: 5/1/14
