Welp, He's gone. Wait-- Do I smell BACON??!?!!??!

[TSquared2]

It is confusing at times Shining, be gentle with yourself, you are really going through A LOT right now...grieving end of M, loss of house, kids leaving the "nest" in the future...

Please take a break from this stuff and do something good for yourself often throughout the day...sometimes getting away from it allows your sub-conscious to process it in the back ground.

[Mach1]

I have got to say, you boys have me a bit confused...

Boys ???

You would probably call an Alligator a Lizard too, huh ???

: )

[Shining]

Good advice, T...Thank you.

I had to set my homework aside for a bit today. I know I will get back to it. I'm not going this far and stopping. But, I was remembering a lot of things that I hadn't thought about for years. I didn't think of them back then, the same as I do now. And it's messing me up.

I don't like looking back. I don't like stirring this stuff up. Nothing earth shattering or anything, no big revelations or uncovering deep family secrets. It's more of an awareness of some things, and connecting them to where I'm at now. I have made some big mistakes. I know, right? Who knew?

I started questioning everything and thinking about too much....spinning. So I hit the pause button....maybe even stop for now. I know where to pick it up. So I'm going to sit on some of these things and let them settle.

So, I paid bills, then I took my 18yr old sons with me to the grocery store....omg they are still as silly as they were when they were little. I think it's hitting them, that they'll soon be apart for the first time in their lives. The "womb-mates" that were 12 weeks early.... Now over 6' tall. How dare they .

I made an awesome dinner, and as I was cooking, H called. He doesn't call, ever. So, I answered. He was driving, and had just left the house with another load of his things. He called to tell me he had a letter addressed to me. He asked would I like him to come and drop it off.

I said it wasn't a good time, and I was cooking. <<<<<. That's new for me to say no. (But, I looked a mess, so it was easier to not agree to see him). I mean.....USUALLY I'm fully done-up and photo-ready, hair, make-up, SHOES..... (Anyone buying this?). But, I made this big dinner, and I had my hair piled up on top of my head, food on my clothes, flour and spices powdered all over me... Oh, sure....I'll be right down.

Normally? I wouldn't think twice of it. MLC? Yeah...I wasn't hitting the mark on the whole "look-great, smell-great." (Unless you're my dog.) Plus, my eyes were swollen from earlier....GAWSH I can't let him think that was for him!!!!

He said he'll be back at the house tomorrow, moving his last load, and then cleaning. He usually doesn't offer up details of his plans. Trying not to overthink, but, hey, it's me, so I did.....a little. (You and your smirking, uR...just sayen).

Maybe he wanted me to offer to help clean. Who knows. I didn't ask. I'm trying not to focus on him. I'm doing well, overall. But DAAAANNNNNGGGGGGGG. I miss him so much.

We had a good M. I was a good wife. Were there things I could have done better? Sure. But, wow.... I loved him. I still do. But we gots a chit-ton of work to do before even thinking of working on us.

I hope we both come out of this whole.

[kml]

Be prepared - the letter will turn out to be something super duper important - like, say, an ad for dry cleaning or some such

[Shining]

Oh, kml..... That cracked me up!!! I'm on pins and needles, now....

[uRworthy]

Moi? Smirk? Never happen. LOL!

I wasnt going to post for awhile while the guys were doing their thing here. I know it all can get overwhelming. Nothing wrong with stepping back and letting it sink in some. But dont leave it too long. It's too important.

So, look at you...I see you changing your thought process a little bit regarding how you react to your h. That's a good thing. And yep, not your problem what he needs or wants regarding the house and all. Oh and dont let the look good, smell good thing make you crazy.

It's ok to miss him, Shining. I would be real worried if you didnt at this point. After all, you do love him.

You can only control if you come out of this whole, ya know? You know the answer...you just have to want it badly enough.

[Shining]

Thanks, uR.... I had a feeling you were leaving me to the boys...oops, sorry, Mach, I meant "Men".

I'm not too overwhelmed, as long as I take mini-breaks. I'm planning on getting back to it tomorrow. I know this gift of time I have is not to be wasted. This is far too important. <<<< that, and I want this part over with. (Not rushing, I promise. I can be very thorough when it's this important.)

The "look good" thing... Lol, I'll try not to let it make me crazy. At least not MORE crazy.

I did look like a hot mess. It was kinda funny. But, the appearance thing was secondary to the fact that I was surprised by his call, and his offer to stop by? No, no, no, no....not ready, not in right frame of mind. It freaked me out a little.

I am sure I was NOT cool and all "nonchalant" on the phone. What I wish I sounded like? Something like: "Who's this? Oh, yeah, whatevs, H...ummmmm, yeah, that won't work for me.....I'm super busy, what with my life and such...."

Nope. It was more like, "hello? Huh??? Oh, um, letter? For me? HERE? Not now! Now? NO!! I'm uhhhh, cooking. Stove! Stove-cooking. Maybe tomorrow?"

Ok, it probably wasn't THAT bad..... Somewhere between. I'll get it.

Ooohhhh, yyyeeesssssssss, I want it badly. I can do this. I don't know how long it will take, but it doesn't even matter. I just know there is something better coming....I can feel it. I can "hope" for him to get better, but I'm working for me. Cuz that's all I can do. And APPARENTLY, I'm worth it.

Have I told you before?? That I ain't doing this again???

[ForeverYoung]

I started questioning everything and thinking about too much....spinning. So I hit the pause button....maybe even stop for now. I know where to pick it up. So I'm going to sit on some of these things and let them settle.

Good for you, Shining. This DB stuff is only as difficult as we make it. Life should be enjoyable, even when our marriage is in limbo. That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it!

[cat04]

So Shining...

First I will say hi. Get the formalities over with.

I spent yesterday reading all of your threads. It's something that I do before I post.

The guys (Mach, is that better? and yes alligators are lizards), seem to have you going in two different directions, however it is all tied together.

T's list, I'm sure 20 sounds like a lot...it isn't. It doesn't have to be some long drawn out list...

Off the top of my head...

1. I'm nice.
2. I'm short.
3. I'm blonde.
4. I'm smart.
5. I have the cutest toe nails.
6. I can cook.
7. I can bake.
8. I love animals.
9. I am a planner.
10. I am organized. (at least in my mind)
11. I'm flaky.
12. I am stubborn. (sometimes good, sometimes bad)
13. I am a great mother.
14. I am musically talented.
15. I work hard.
16. I am honest and direct and I believe if you want an answer, ask the question.
17. I can do anything I set my mind to.
18. I look great in red.
19. I am insightful.
20. I love to laugh.

See. Simple. Things that I love about myself. Doesn't really matter if anyone else loves those things. In fact, some people don't like those things about me, let alone love them, but it doesn't stop them from loving me. And if it does, well, that is their problem, not mine.

When you know what you love about yourself and you truly love yourself, it's harder to feel unworthy of love. Because you know you are worthy.

So is there anything on my list that might make me unworthy of someone's love? Or that I shouldn't love myself? Maybe they don't seem like lovable things, but anything we feel is positive about ourselves is lovable.

I had to set my homework aside for a bit today. I know I will get back to it. I'm not going this far and stopping. But, I was remembering a lot of things that I hadn't thought about for years. I didn't think of them back then, the same as I do now. And it's messing me up.

I don't like looking back. I don't like stirring this stuff up. Nothing earth shattering or anything, no big revelations or uncovering deep family secrets. It's more of an awareness of some things, and connecting them to where I'm at now. I have made some big mistakes. I know, right? Who knew?

I started questioning everything and thinking about too much....spinning. So I hit the pause button....maybe even stop for now. I know where to pick it up. So I'm going to sit on some of these things and let them settle.

We all make mistakes. It is part of the learning process of life. Even that is lovable.

Don't let this go for too long. It's important. Especially if you don't want to do this again. So while you work on your list, you also need to look for the answers to why you feel unlovable.

That is enough for the moment. I see things that need to be addressed but I'm gonna let that sit for now.

[Shining]

Thank you, and hi, cat .

I was making my list too hard....I see now it doesn't have to be. That was helpful.

I'm back on it for today. It's not the big scary monster I thought....

Coffee is slowly waking me up. Brain should start functioning any minute. I'm doing this.