What ^^^ he said. And while you're at it, be grateful that she cares enough about your son to want to talk to you about his well-being. Even if it's self-serving, and I'm not saying it is, it's far better than those that walk away or withhold their love for their kids. Far better.
Get it out of your head that she's coming back or that there is such a thing as closure. It's an old old story, my friend.
Best bet? Live your life and be a father. Life won't come back around for those opportunities, my friend.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
OK, how bad of a mess up did I do? I text my W on Sunday and ask how her photoshoot of the brain cancer senior at high school went. She tells me "horrible" because it rained. And she tells me they will re-shoot it Sunday evening. I tell her I am praying for this photo shoot for her. Anyway, we start texting about our children, and go back and forth for 15 minutes, we joke around, and its nice.
We end up texting about d19 who is going to an out-of-state college. And she is making mistakes, and won't listen to us. Which leads me to text the following, which is a double-barrel shot at both our d19 and my W:
"she's and adult now, and sometimes the only way for them to learn is for us to back off and let them fall. And then be there if they want our help down the road."
W's response? Crickets. She has no response, which is very unlike her. Was my telling my W my gameplan, where I am my backing off, and letting her make mistakes, and only coming to help if she asks me, was this revealing too much? It felt good to me, but let's see.
Not sure if that is reall a mess up... I would see it as a truth dart directed at your D19 that may have stung your W just a little bit, but I would not say you opened up and shared your DB playbook either.
Anniversary time! Thursday is our 22nd anniversary. W continues to post on FB and refers to me as her "ex-husband" (why is she even mentioning me?) on mutual friend's posts.
I am going to my 2nd cooking class on Thursday night, so there is no temptation to invite W out. I did buy a 'Happy Anniversary' card for her - it was tough finding one that does not have Love, Love, Love all over it. On advice from the Board my message in the card will be short and mention the one thing we have done well together, our 4 children.
BUT if I was going to add something to remind W that we are still married, and that she is not "single", I might write:
- Happy Anniversary (yes, we are still married. Separated is NOT divorced); - Sometimes people use their time of separation to work on their marriage - something to think about? - How can I be your "ex-husband" when there isn't even a pending divorce case/suit? - and for the religious minded out there, what about: Fornication is just as bad as Adultery.
OK,ok, I'm venting. Let's see if I can shake this frustration about W failing to acknowledge our marriage as the anniversary date approaches.
Anniversary cards are not an appropriate place to remind your WAW that you are still married. Honor the anniversary and celebrate the good that came out of that day 22 years ago. Thank her for the good things.
I bet this anniversary is weighing on her mind too. I bet she is dwelling on all the bad things, and all the negative things. Get or make her a simple card with a few sentences. Remain positive and upbeat and dont persue or push. Maybe she will read the card and for just that one instant she will allow herself to remember what was good, and maybe even go so far as to think back to why she married you!
M42 W40 T17 M15 S13 S11 BD 7-14 A discovered 7-14 WAW moved out 10-3-14 D final 2-23-15
"she's and adult now, and sometimes the only way for them to learn is for us to back off and let them fall. And then be there if they want our help down the road."
W's response? Crickets. She has no response, which is very unlike her. Was my telling my W my gameplan, where I am my backing off, and letting her make mistakes, and only coming to help if she asks me, was this revealing too much? It felt good to me, but let's see.
As much as this was directed at your Daughter...
The judgement that she probably felt, was enormous...
Easy with the truth darts...
An MLCer can smell judgement like Oprah smells a twinkie...
Thanks bdub, Shining and Mach1. Y'all make me smile. "like Oprah smells a twinkie", I love it. As much as I enjoy Shining's suggested line to add to the Anniversary card, it is both smart and funny, and might make W pause for a moment, I will take Mach1's advice to go "easy on the truth darts".
Though W still thinks that I believe she is the "perfect wife", as stated on her dating profile, I am tempted to use Shining's line - it does fit perfectly. Hmmm, let's see how I feel tomorrow as I sign and send the card.
Hey Wet. I like your sense of humor. It will serve you well throughout all of this.
No one thing can make or break this because it is a long haul. I know you think that maybe something will spark a thought in her head about this, but, truthfully, as this point, she aint gonna hear it. So, dont sweat the text...but, yea, she isnt ready for truth darts right now.
I know people have different opinions about sending a card on anniversaries. Do it if you feel you should, without any expectations. The truth is that she says she doesnt want to be married at this time. I have found that they want to be heard. It angers them when they feel they arent.
It is hard stuff, this. Really hard. But I think there is always hope until you say there isnt.
This really is an amazing opportunity. I always say that while I wish I could have learned what I did in a different way, I am forever grateful for the journey.
So, the key to detaching is to learn to stop allowing her words or actions to effect yours. I know it's hard not to read into any kind of contact, but, it really doesnt serve you well to do it.
She is on her own journey. One that you dont really want to be involved in. Trust me on that. . Your job is this. Take care of you and your kids. Leave her to her crazy so you dont get any on you. It is on her to forge a relationship with the children. It is on you to cause no harm to it.
This has to play out. You get to decide how you want your part to look.
