I'm not loving his backing out of emotionally supporting you.
Yeah, I'm not loving it either! But, I'm comfortable with the idea that he sees it as a goal, even if he can't provide it now. Frankly, I think if/when he is fully re-invested in the R, he won't need to be convinced to meet my emotional needs because he will WANT to. So, I'm accepting that this is a temporary space, not a permanent one.
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Did you explain specifically what you need in that area? Do you want him to just listen to your feelings or to help you work through them? What do you see as his responsibilities here?
I ask because perhaps his tentativeness is because he sees it as a LOT of work and he's not willing to commit to that. Maybe?
I have not explained it, and you make a good point. It very well may seem overwhelming to him in its non-specificity. Primarily, I am looking for comfort (physical as well as verbal). I will have to think about how I would verbalize what I'm looking for, if needed.
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I am probably projecting here but it's hard not to see that as keeping you at an arms distance for punitive reasons. Is that how you see it?
I do see it as somewhat punitive. Like your H, my H harbors a lot of anger and resentment from the past. But really, I think my H is just tapped out emotionally and doesn't have a lot to give. I believe him when he says that he doesn't WANT to feel this way and that he is desperately trying to feel differently.
I envy the two-way nature of you situation. I understand it is still very trying, but I'm still driving on one-way streets over here. And sometimes I go the wrong way.
I say just keep being loving and patient. Great work so far!
Me: 34 W:33 T: 10 M: 6 S: 6 D: 5 BD: 5/14 Still together(ish) Not giving up: 7/14 D talk has slowed, a lot. Gradually working on things together. Still separate bedrooms. Slow and Steady wins the race.
I envy the two-way nature of you situation. I understand it is still very trying, but I'm still driving on one-way streets over here. And sometimes I go the wrong way.
I say just keep being loving and patient. Great work so far!
I definitely feel like I'm doing most of the work, but I do feel very fortunate that he is still making an effort and that he wants our M to work.
It's funny -- in some ways I'm actually more convinced of his commitment to me and to our M than I was before we S.
Hey, Elsa. Just catching up. Sounds like you guys are having some tough but good conversations. "Emotional support" is an interesting one. My H pulled those words out of the bag in the l last couple of months before he moved out. He felt that he was having to provide too much emotional support to me - which was interesting because at the time I didn't feel like he was meeting my emotional needs at all. In hindsight I think I was letting work stress spill over too much at home. In other words, my not being able to manage my own stress better probably led to a circumstance where he perceived he needed to give/was giving me a lot of emotional support. I'm trying to work on that.
Dig deep - why do you think your H feels so intimidated by the idea of providing emotional support?
H 37 Me 36 Together 15 years Married 5 years No kids BD Apr 2014 H moved out 2 Jun 2014
G, I missed you! Glad to see you back. I will have to check your thread.
I don't know that I can answer your question without engaging in some mind-reading. I know that H is holding onto a lot of anger and resentment from the past. I know that he sees me as the enemy. With that mindset, I can see why it's difficult for him to give me emotional support. It's giving comfort to the enemy.
I also think there's an element of him not feeling like what he gives will ever be enough -- but that's just speculation on my part. Pre-S, I felt that he wasn't giving me enough and he felt that I was too focused on what was missing vs. what he was doing right. I agree with that and I'm taking ownership of that issue moving forward. I think I've done a good job of showing him that I can be more patient and get by on a lot less while he works on his own healing.
But, do you want to hear some irony? What is my H so angry about? My previous neglect of his sexual and emotional needs! We have just about come full circle.
More positives to report -- we've been texting back and forth about a logistical issue throughout the day. For the first time in ages, he's peppering his texts with smiley faces and exclamation points. It's nice to see him be playful again.
Things have gone really well with my H over the past few days. We had great conversations on Friday and Sunday, we ML on Sunday afternoon, H bought me a small gift over the weekend (it was a snack food item, similar in the theme to the one I'd given him last week but geared toward my taste preferences), H was being more upbeat/friendly than usual in his otherwise routine text messages yesterday, and H told me yesterday that he confirmed our MC session for next week before I had the chance to ask him about it.
So, why did I wake up this morning with that feeling in the pit of my stomach that things are not quite right?
I think for two reasons.
1. Yesterday, H was supposed to confirm our date night for Friday but didn't. When he came to pick up D7 after work last night, he said that he would "be in touch" about it. (H prefers to be discreet around D7, which is fine.) Now, I was teaching a class last night until 10pm, which H knew, so I wasn't expecting a phone call, but I am surprised that he didn't send a text or email. So now, I'm disappointed that he didn't keep his promise to let me know AND worried that there's some issue with our date night that he didn't think could be resolved by text or email.
2. When things feel good, I start to question them. The last time I felt REALLY good about the M was the week before BD. What if he is lying to me again? Can I trust him? How can I trust him?
How do I deal with these negative thoughts in a way that doesn't hurt me or the piecing process that we've started?
I don't know how much you and he have been talking in the last few weeks, but if you haven't spoken much, then I would go with the intention of just listening to what he has to say, and trying as much as possible to go with no expectations of what will happen.
Since I haven't gotten to the place you have WRT trust, I don't know if I have anything useful to say about that other than, your hackles are up now and I think you'll have super-sensitive radar about whether or not he's lying to you. Is it possible that the more important information is whether or not the two of you feel a connection at all?
Best to you, and have a great time!
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Thanks for weighing in, Maybell! I'm actually not too worried about whether or not we'll feel a connection -- to me, that's one of the few things we have going for us. (In fact, I think it's one of the things that I misread pre-BD. I really thought that he had fallen out of love and was trying to justify leaving by playing the blame game. Now, though, I think I see more clearly that it isn't a question of whether or not he loves me or is "in love" with me, but whether or not he can learn how to heal from past wounds.)
I think my question about trust is about the bigger picture -- can I trust that he is sincerely trying? Can I trust that he willing to do the things that I need him to do in order to restore that trust? Can I trust that he's not going to BD on me again out of the blue?
I know that complete trust is not possible at this stage. But it seems nearly impossible to have any right now.
In other news, PMA is strong for me today. I have GAL plans for tomorrow and Saturday and am just feeling really great about work and how I'm doing.
Stop the presses -- my H just APOLOGIZED for something.
H took D7 to dinner tonight. While helping her get her things out of his car, I noticed what looked like a suitcase in the backseat. I asked if he was going on a trip, and he said no. I said pleasantly, "Oh, then what's it for?" He replied in an irritated tone, "A display case for work." At this point D7 was trying to show me something so I turned away from him for a moment. When D7 was out of earshot, I turned back and said, "I'm sorry my question bothered you. I wasn't trying to be nosy, just show an interest in your life." He said it was okay, said his goodbyes, and left.
Not 10 minutes later, I got a text saying he was sorry if he snapped at me and that it wasn't his intention.
I have been rather detached lately, and I think it's working.
