Maybell XII

[labug]

Maybe she just needs a friend to listen, your unconditional presence.

When people come here they're asking for a different kind of support. (some are, some aren't)

When H texted about your daughter, and I think it s similar issue to that you've had with her, might you have validated a little? Not solved his problem, just parents commiserating. Unconditional presence.

About the money, you have earned it.

What emotion were you acting from there?

[labug]

And just one thing, the last couple of pages of this thread are all lamenting from you and others about how unfair this all is. And while that may be very true, how is it moving you forward? That's all in the past. It can't be changed. Don't keep giving it space in your head.

It keeps us stuck, not living in reality. This is a painful process but continuing to long for things in the past to be different doesn't change anything. We have control of this one life, not our H's life, not our kids lives, our life, our future. When those thoughts come up, acknowledge the pain and then change your thoughts.

Hugs to you all, I know this is difficult and painful but don't keep dragging that around with you. You're worth so much more than that.

[Maybell]

I didn't validate him in that moment because I was fielding a barrage of angry texts from D11 (and had been fielding anger from her in the time leading up to his picking her up) while making dinner for the boys I didn't have the patience to validate everyone. I felt that my continuously redirecting her to him and affirming that he was the parent in charge at that moment was as much validation as I had in me for him. I did validate him later in the evening when he told me he was bringing her back early. And I was friendly but distant when he actually dropped her off.

My IC and I talked this morning about how I can make that more successful going forward while still respecting his sandbox. I may be better in myself but I still have a lot of skills to learn.

That good interview, the offer, and the way I've been able to think about this job have REALLY done a lot to click things into place for me in the last 24 hours. I learned a lot about taking a few moments to process things before I spoke, to stop and consider before I respond, even when emotions are running high, and I've seen the way my kids really respond to me when I meet them calmly but firmly. I had no idea it could be like this. I've come to terms with the fact that at times when there are decisions to be made, most likely someone is going to be disappointed that I didn't see thing their way -- but it's still my sandbox.

I think, Labug, that although you read a lot of negativity in the last few pages, not all of it was mine, and some of it was developmental leap pain. Today, I feel like a different woman and I can't even remember what I was complaining about. I feel strong, and like I want to protect my strength.

Also, this is such a tiny thing, but it has made a difference to me... I had my nails done last week and I chose to get gels rather than ordinary polish and a week later they still look perfect. I do a lot with my hands (as most moms do) and usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without a flaw of some sort. Somehow, I made that a reflection of ME. Can you imagine? Seeing chipped nail polish and thinking that defined your quality as a person? Ridiculous!! And yet I did.

About the money, you have earned it.

What emotion were you acting from there?

I have always wanted to be strong and independent. I think feeling funny about accepting support from him was about that. So I have to learn to believe that I actually earned it (intellectually, I know I did, because I partially made it possible), which is not today's problem. Today is about being happy that I'm happy.

My friend needs a lot more than just moral support, but I wouldn't be able to offer moral support if I hadn't been going through this experience myself. Unconditional presence sometimes means you have to have walked at least part of the walk yourself to understand the presence part of unconditional presence.

[Maybell]

Oh, and IC confirmed that H did reach out to him to set up a counseling appointment, but IC hadn't responded because he wanted to make sure it was ok with me before he set up the time. I said ABSOLUTELY, because worst case scenario my H needs help with his communications skills too because whether or not we reconcile he would need to be able to work with me and the kids to be a great dad on his own.

Things are getting interesting.

[SunnyB]

Oh, and IC confirmed that H did reach out to him to set up a counseling appointment

I think that's good, no matter what happens later. I wish my H would go to IC, I've been a few times, he has yet to make an appointment. He says he's been too busy apartment shopping to have time for an IC appointment.

[Maybell]

Three good things about today:

1) Housecleaner is here! And I looked in D11's room and saw CHAOS, so I'm tackling that, which will definitely improve her mood and wardrobe situation.

2) Nothing planned for this evening, so I've promised the kids a sack-out evening which they are very much looking forward to.

3) Fall weather!!! The windows are open and the house is getting aired and everything will be fresh by lunchtime.

And I still feel good about where I am.
Hugs to all who visit my domain!!!

[labug]

I didn't validate him in that moment because I was fielding a barrage of angry texts from D11 (and had been fielding anger from her in the time leading up to his picking her up) while making dinner for the boys I didn't have the patience to validate everyone. I felt that my continuously redirecting her to him and affirming that he was the parent in charge at that moment was as much validation as I had in me for him. I did validate him later in the evening when he told me he was bringing her back early. And I was friendly but distant when he actually dropped her off.

My IC and I talked this morning about how I can make that more successful going forward while still respecting his sandbox. I may be better in myself but I still have a lot of skills to learn.

That good interview, the offer, and the way I've been able to think about this job have REALLY done a lot to click things into place for me in the last 24 hours. I learned a lot about taking a few moments to process things before I spoke, to stop and consider before I respond, even when emotions are running high, and I've seen the way my kids really respond to me when I meet them calmly but firmly. I had no idea it could be like this. I've come to terms with the fact that at times when there are decisions to be made, most likely someone is going to be disappointed that I didn't see thing their way -- but it's still my sandbox.

I think, Labug, that although you read a lot of negativity in the last few pages, not all of it was mine, and some of it was developmental leap pain. Today, I feel like a different woman and I can't even remember what I was complaining about. I feel strong, and like I want to protect my strength.

Also, this is such a tiny thing, but it has made a difference to me... I had my nails done last week and I chose to get gels rather than ordinary polish and a week later they still look perfect. I do a lot with my hands (as most moms do) and usually I couldn't go more than a couple of days without a flaw of some sort. Somehow, I made that a reflection of ME. Can you imagine? Seeing chipped nail polish and thinking that defined your quality as a person? Ridiculous!! And yet I did.

About the money, you have earned it.

What emotion were you acting from there?

I have always wanted to be strong and independent. I think feeling funny about accepting support from him was about that. So I have to learn to believe that I actually earned it (intellectually, I know I did, because I partially made it possible), which is not today's problem. Today is about being happy that I'm happy.

My friend needs a lot more than just moral support, but I wouldn't be able to offer moral support if I hadn't been going through this experience myself. Unconditional presence sometimes means you have to have walked at least part of the walk yourself to understand the presence part of unconditional presence.

This all sounds great, Maybell. And I wasn't picking on you. I'm sorry.

We tend to stick with the negative stuff because our brains are hardwired to pick up on trouble in the jungle (or desert) so we can avoid danger. That kicks in often without us even knowing it and it takes work to not believe everything our mind tells us.

It's a wonderful thing to have choices.

[Maybell]

You know, I had some flaws as a wife but I didn't deserve for him to abandon his vows and walk away. I hope he doesn't think of himself as a person of integrity.

Biting my lip right now to keep from telling him how horribly I think he's behaving. I hate this very passionately.

[Maybell]

Somebody tell me what to do with all this upset before I send an unfortunate text.

[KGirl]

Can you write him a letter (like actually on a piece of paper) instead, say everything you'd like to say, then don't give it to him? Or...something I recently did was post in craiglist missed connections. Even if he doesn't read it he won't know it's actually for him and now I feel like it's "out there" sometimes it also helps me to tell myself that he just didn't have any other tools or coping skills, he just didn't know what else to do - he is not purposefully being hurtful or mean.