Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
Well, folks, I done gone and messed this up completely.
What started as a peaceful conversation about being on edge around the kids, and too harsh with them (both of us), ended up a full-blown airing of grievances. Not really loud, but definitely accusatory and non-productive. I did try to focus on solutions, but couldn't help myself in the heat of the moment. I feel like a failure and a fraud.
Low points of the argument:
W: How many books have you read in your lifetime? M: 1500+ W: How many about marriage and relationship? M: Two more now than before you said you were divorcing me. W: See M: Straw man argument. I shouldn't need a book to tell me how to relate with my wife. W: Right, and if I'm so hard to relate to, why would you even want to be with me. M: Why do your complaints seem okay for you to just blast me with, but any time I say something, you view it as an attack W: That's not true. M: Do you find yourself in the middle of a lot of conflict? W: Are you implying that I do this to myself... M: I just wonder if you ever bothered, you know, not blaming someone else for all your troubles
When all was said (and done!), I cried my eyes out. After pulling it together, I asked her to come sit with me for a bit. I said I know I'm a mess, but it is her I have gone to for years in times of trouble. She agreed, reluctantly, and that part wasn't horrible, but still. I looked a blubbering mess.
And so forth. I will keep DB'g, but it is obviously just for me now. Detachment should be easy - she despises me.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Don't blow this out of proportion, if she despised you she wouldn't have tried to stay and comfort you. No one disagreement is a death knell. Shake it off and start anew tomorrow. Hang in there.
A little scary that there are people out there too young to know about COWBELL.
Last edited by Nitty; 09/17/1404:19 AM.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
I can't stop sobbing. So much of what she says is TRUE. It's mostly past stuff, but it's true. So now, on top of this hopelessness because she clearly wants OUT, I am beating the crap out of myself for every time I could have made a change.
Darn. Double Darn.
You guys are all saying the right things, but right now I'd like to just be someone, somewhere else, anyone or anyplace other than where I am.
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
Shakspr, no one is perfect. We don't always have the opportunity to correct the mistakes of the past, but we can focus on being the best person we can be now and in the future. Don't beat yourself up about this. Embrace this opportunity for renewal, even if it means doing so without your wife. Seek out the things that bring you joy and serenity. Chin up!
M: 43 H: 39 D: 14 Married 15 Together 16 BD: 6/2014 S: 8/2014 OW revealed 10/2014 Instigated dissolution 12/2014, in progress So over it!
Just talked to MC, who is now my IC. She is solution oriented - her advice aligns well with DB.
Apparently my recent outbursts/over-emoting are the normal byproduct of grief. She asked me, if my wife burst through the door to reconcile, right now, what would I say?
"Thank God." But then, the reality set in. I would need to know what's changed. I would need my trust restored. And since she has just as much work to do as I do, I would need to know that she was at least willing to try.
It will probably be a long time, if ever, for that to happen. So I better get prepared to break this to my kids as gently as possible, and complete a whole 'nother grieving process.
Shakespear ("e" missing intentionally)
Me: 43 XW: 43 T15 M14 D21, SS15, S11, D8 BD: 8/6 EA / possible PA discovered 9/29 D final 10/20
