Feeling stronger than ever

[mleigh4]

Matt - thank you so much for your response and time. Every week I pump myself up to get ready for a horrible weekend of worrying and I promise myself I will not react and then I do. I will really try your technique and way of thinking this weekend. But at what point are we standing for our marriage vs being a total doormat? How can I respect myself when I allow myself and S to be treated with such disrespect?

In response to whether or not to start mediation, I am so confused on what to do. Things will go well at home, I start believing there is hope, then I get slammed in the stomach with reality and it just hits me all over again. I think honestly I can say that I would be ok with H out of my life. This last year has made me look at him so differently and has brought to my attention all the issues he has that I had no idea I was getting involved with. I really am not sure that with all the damage I can ever really love and trust this man again. My biggest fear in getting a divorce? Is having to share custody with my son. Having to deal with not having him every morning and every night. Making him leave me to spend time with his dad when he doesn't want to. The man can't form a connection with anyone, not even his own son. So that is the struggle I face. Between my therapist and attorney I hope to get some clarity on that.

Back to my H. His father approached me last week about my H growing up in a passive agressive home and to look up information on that. Boy does it explain a lot! The lack of empathy, the inability to emotionally connect, the not being able to make decisions, procrastination, keeping feelings in, emotional abuse... So much fits. So now I wonder, is this MLC or is my H a passive agressive man?

[Matt165]

mleigh,
That was also my biggest fear, sharing custody with a woman who hasn't acted like a wife or mother for a long time. If her patterns remain the same as the last few YEARS she will (and is!) be leaving my D14 alone after school so she can "work late' almost every night. I know from experience that the time from after school to a parent gets home is the WORST time at my D's age. That is when there is trouble! It is when they have "friends" over at their place because mom won't be home. Kids at that age are so full of "peer pressure" and with my D going from private school all her life (102 kids in K-8, she had the same 8 kids in her class from K! They were like brothers and sisters) to a school where just the Sr class has more than 400 AND my D knows NO ONE, is scary to me!

For now my D14 spends 7 days with her mom and next 7 with me. She never really gets to unpack and has little stability. Because of my W's "need" to "be on her own" my D14 has lost her sister (D19) because she refuses to live with her mom and I can't afford to get her a car (her mom can but won't), lost every friend she ever had because her mom moved 30 miles away, is in a school that is scary to her and she hates, has lost the only home she has ever known for 1/2 the time and has had to watch her own mother act like a child. But my W insists that not only won't any of this hurt our D14 but that because my W will be "happy" at last because she is getting away from her husband of 21 years who she admits was a great husband and father, that she will be a "better mother" and that will make up for all the bad! Crazy yes, but there is NOTHING I can do to stop her and I need to direct my attention to doing everything I can to give my d14 all the things her mother won't.

I know it's scary. I know you want to protect your kids from the crazy MLC spouse but in reality, in today's society, there is NOTHING you can do to stop a S who wants out of a M. They don't need a reason any more, even if you don't want the D, all they have to do is tell the court they want out of the M and it's granted. I never thought I would need to even think about D. I had no idea that it was so easy for just one person to end a M but it is what it is.

Depending on their age, most states take which parent the child wants to live with into consideration (after a certain age in my state it's 12). That may help if you know your child will say you. (my D refuses to say she wants to live with me because she doesn't want to hurt her mom and I understand that!).

In the 8 days that my D14 has been at her mom's while in school, I have had to pick her up to take her so she wouldn't have to walk 25 min.'s because her mom has decided that being at work a 1/2 hour earlier is more important than what is best for her D14 5 times. I have picked her up after school several times in very hot or bad weather so she didn't have to walk 25 min home with a full book bag! I do this for my D14, not for her mother. Yes, it hurts knowing my d will have problems that I won't be there to help her with. Know she is safe, being taken care of but the reality is I can still do much so she knows I'm there for her. I may not be there physically but if she needs me she KNOWS I will be there ASAP. She knows this because I am now and always will be.

In the end there is a point where you have to decide that your S will be OK even if he must spend part of his time with your H. That just being there in the same home isn't the only way to help him. That while you would rather he be with you 24/7 at some point you may not have a choice in the matter anyway. What is best for him...seeing his mother in so much pain, being a "doormat" (your word), teaching him that is how men treat their wives or is it better to show him you are strong enough to stand on your own two feet? That the way your H is treating his mother is WRONG, causes pain to the person his father is supposed to love and care for. Who he SWORE he would stay with through "better or worse"?

Only you can decide when things are so bad that it's worse for your son to see the way your H is treating you and the M or if staying is still best. It's not an easy call. It s@cks to have to make it but again, it isn't your choice or fault. Your H is the one who for whatever reason has put you in this position, remember that. It's up to you to decide when and if the choice to end the M is better or worse for everyone involved, including you! Even then, at some point you may not have the choice if your H decides to end things himself.

A lot to think about mleigh. Good luck!

[mleigh4]

Whew - ok. You made some very good points Matt and yes I have a lot to think about. My goal is to raise a respectful loving young man, and the example he is seeing from his father is anything but that. Oh don't get me wrong, H always has a smile on his face and is always pleasant..... while he is doing inappropriate things. Typical passive agressive behavior. My son and I have had some good talks about dad's behavior, he is very bright for a 7 year old. So, do I want my S to grow up thinking this is ok? No, absolutely not.

Thank you Matt. You've given me some good food for thought.

[LiveNow]

mleigh4 - Although I don't live with H, our timetables are close, and my H, too, has been 'threatening' to 'end the marriage' since last summer. I have been tempted, too, to start the process myself, when I get tired of the uncertainty. For quite a while, I was afraid he would get it started, but then after he threatened to do it so many times - and then didn't - I stopped worrying about it. I just try to go on about my day as 'normal' (haha - what is THAT?). I can't let him ruin every day for me. I know I'll be ok no matter what, so it's not so scary anymore. Actually, it's getting downright annoying! And what you said about seeing him in a different light? Ditto. Yes, lots to think about...hang in there...

[mleigh4]

There is no doubt my H will do nothing to get this started. His words were "I think we should divorce and I'm not leaving until I know my financial situation". I've been hearing this for a year. Like all of us, we either learn to cope and live with the madness or take the outcome into our own hands. So basically in his mind, he wants a divorce but in the meantime he will live at home, give me and S attention according to his schedule, and go out and do as he pleases.

My consultation with an attorney is coming up in an hour. I am looking forward to it.

[Matt165]

Good Luck, mleigh! Which ever way things go, you will get through this!

[job]

I hope things went well w/the meeting w/your lawyer. As for your h, if he doesn't know now what his financial situation is, he never will. He's had a year to figure it out. What a putz!

[mleigh4]

I can do this. I am not going to let H have any power over my weekend. He is out night golfing tonight. I actually believe him, could he even make this stuff up? Golf balls that light up when you hit them. Actually sounds fun! S and I finished building his Lego castle. I love building Legos! We ate a killer dinner, BBQ hamburgers I grilled up. Now just sipping on a nice cold glass of wine and watching tv. A nice Saturday without H around again. He even baited me into a fight which I did not react to. S and I ran out to do errands while he left to have lunch with his mom, which I am dying to know how that went! Anyway I guess H came back while we were out and was not happy we were not home. Texted me "nice to know where you are". I just laughed out loud! Welcome to my world! But I did great, no reaction. And I expect him home either late or not home at all. I got this, will not react and will just ignore it thanks to your tips.

I can do this. All new for me. I have let go, and am lleaving it in someone else's hands.

[mleigh4]

Having a bad day. When will I learn not to talk with my mother about my marriage? She does not understand why I don't file for divorce when I continue to be so unhappy. She gets so frustrated and spurts out at me that H doesn't love me, that he obviously does not want to be married to me, that his actions speak clearly, why can't I see it? She gets so angry at me when I insist that I will not be the one to file.

I know people on the outside don't understand the world of confusion and mixed signals we live in. It's just so hard to never express my pains, especially to my mom.

Anyone else have this problem?

H and I had a little R talk last night which of course did not go well. H still "leaning towards D but not sure it's right thing to do".

I am starting to believe I am a glutton for punishment. My mom has always been verbally abusive and I seem to egg it on with H by asking questions that I know will have painful answers. Is there a name for this and does anyone have any suggested reading? I just can't seem to lay things to rest, I always stir it up which results in my own pain.

[job]

We try to encourage posters to select a close friend to talk to about the situation. Parents, family, co-workers and general friends don't understand what is happening and they want to see you happy and not hang around in limbo.

We all have had this problem during the journey. The best thing to do is not to share too much of what is going on w/those who haven't walked a mile in your shoes. It's best to come here and vent, share, laugh, etc. or to your IC or MC. It saves you the frustration, aggravation and hurt of trying to defend your position. You have the power to shut the conversations down w/people either by saying I don't wish to discuss the matter at this time or change the subject.

As for discussions w/your h about the situation, please stop it. The more you talk to him about the relationship, the more likely he will finally push for the divorce. Leave him alone, avoid relationship talks, unless, of course, you want a divorce.

You need to detach a bit more and keep the focus on yourself and your family.