So 6 month of pressure finally got to me last night, H rang to ask if I knew anyone that could babysit the boys tomorrow night, I got angry, said that I'd just have them at home since they were due to come back to me the next morning, he said that's not what he's asking, and I lost my shizzle, started literally screaming at him about his priorities, the r with ow, how unfair it all was, then I said something about him and the boys and he fired right up, told me where to go, which led in d talk, which he said he thought there was no point in talking about it since we can't file until march next year.
I was crying and I'm not sorry for what said or did, and he said that he'd been waiting for it for the past 6 months and that I have every right to be angry.
He asked me to come over so we could talk more, so I did, he said that he had seen the changes in me in the past few months and that I seem to have my shoulders back, that things that would have had me in a tailspin a few months ago are now water off a duck's back.
He said that he was having trouble trying to juggle his r with ow, the boys, work and us. I told him I could that he wwas trying his best. I told him that's easy, I'm not part of the equation and to take me out, he said that's not he's saying.
I told him that in the very early days when we were together I never felt that I deserved him, that he was too good for me, he said that's the second time he's heard that this month, she had said the same thing, and he doesn't understand it. This to me as far as the ow goes is a bit of a light bulb moment, she is insecure about get r with h, and the only way she seems to be able to keep him around is buying him things, paying for trips, etc.
After all that happened last night, I am surer than I have been in a while that I am in this for the long haul, and yes I may have done some damage but it was also very cathartic as h and I have not ever yelled at each other like that, and noting that 6 months ago we would never have apologised to each other, nor actually listened to each other.
He asked me if I wanted to stay and I said yes, then as we were lying in bed (little nit of spooning was very nice) I decided to go home as I really wanted to ml to him and I knew that was not going to happen, so I told h I was going home, he said sorry again, I came home.
had to drop off the boys clothes this morning, again h said sorry for being nasty last night, and I felt pretty good about what happened.
I had a meeting with the school councilor today as a follow up for s7, she said it's great he's using his worry box and that he's able start verbalizing that he's not ready for h and I to see other people (that he's not ready to see it) councilor recommended at least 6 months before introducing new people, H is doing what seems a back flip tonight, seemed unhappy with this, but like I said to him, it's your choice at the end of the day...
so that's where it lies right now, just going to keep being me, over the drama, just want peace
I have been in a negative space for a few days, and am watching h pull further away. Its been a rough weekend with the kids, and I have felt isolated and alone. I have let my inner petulant child out and punished h, six months ago I wouldn't have seen this, but today I can. my behaviour is directly linked to his spending more and more time with ow. and like a spoilt child, I am reacting, stamping my feet, acting childish about issues that could be resolved if I just STFU.
I am jealous, I am afraid and I am hurting. I am jealous that the ow is with my h, that he is showing her his best side, and I am left behind. I am afraid he will never come back, and that I am responsible for getting myself into this place. I am hurting because I never saw myself here, on my own with three boys in tow, I am hurting because I feel like I am in this all by myself, and I don't know how to make the feelings of hurt go away.
I read all these sitches on here, about how one day the WAS is ensconced in a with op, then quite literally, next day, say I want back in...im struggling to understand how that happens, I've read stories that are worse than mine, how do you cope with the ow? does it get more involved(the a) before it ends, if it ends? I have so many questions my head is spinning, I am doing my best at pma(in public anyway) I am gal, I go to the gym, im going out to dinner with friends, and i'm still stuffing up, i'm still hurting, and i'm still occasionally falling apart in front of h.
I have to go to swimming lessons with the twins tomorrow, and one of ow bffs kid is on the same class, she has been giving me filthy looks for two weeks, I mentioned this to h as I got sick of feeling like i'd done something wrong, so h says something to ow, who then says something to her bff, who claims she didn't realise it was me, I now have to go swimming and deal with that, I feel uncomfortable and said so to h, and he see no problem with it.
I have signed up with a life coach, we have our first session on Friday, I am looking forward to some help, and am hoping they can help me in all aspect of my life.
I am not ready to give up on my m, but I a: really don't know what to do anymore, there are too many mixed signals from h and b: I don't know if I should keep going, as h really does seem to be spending more time with ow, and shutting me out more.
I start my day so positive, and seem to be ending up here more often, in a negative space.
Watto, have you thought about backing off more? Reading through your sitch it seems like you and H still have a lot of contact and that could be making it hard for you to detach. He has to really miss you, but he can't do that if you don't give him the opportunity. My .02 is limit most of your interactions to things about the kids. He needs to stop thinking you'll always be there waiting for him. It's certainly ok to be upset and cry over what is going on. It's painful stuff! Just don't let him see that right now.
Me: 30 H: 35 M: 5 years S2 Signs of MLC started Feb 2014 BD - PA July 2014 Piecing/reconciling late July 2014
You need to drop the ball! Don't be his plan B. Come here and journal your temper tantrums instead of doing it in front of H.
You need to pull away from him even more for your own sanity. Your PMA is suffering big time and THAT is what is causing him to distance himself.
Can you switch the swim lessons to another day/class that you won't see that person?
Me: 35 husband:39 Sons 16 and 11 from my first marriage Twins 5 (boy/girl) Daughter 3 Affair bomb 2/27/14 He moved in with ow 3/13/14 OW kicked him out 6/15/14 4/2016 he seeks help for sexual addiction
Thank you heart and twinmom, I know I really do need to take several steps back, and I am starting to iimplement that now.
went to swimming this morning and ow buff started talking to me and pretended not to know who I was, asking lots of questions about where I lived, about the boys father etc, I answered honestly and without embellishments. When she 'realised' who my h was she acted completely surprised (she wouldn't have won any awards for her performance - terrible! ) she asked if I thought h and would reconcile, I said not that I know of and then she asked if h and ow were serious I replied with I have no idea, not my circus, not my monkey's! I added no extra info, didn't act angry or upset, Yay me!!
upshot, I got to know that ow really is incredibly insecure about her place in h life, now I get to keep holding my head high, work on detaching from h and continue to learn pma and gal for myself.m
I had my first appointment with a life coach yesterday, it was fantastic! This guy is awesome, he does a personality assessment first, based on 9 personality types, and then we work on fine tuning the traits that don't work so well, we will work on all aspects of me and my life, and obviously the r with h. and like everyone has said on here, at the moment I am not ready to r with h. He said a this particular moment I have to become miss Teflon 2014, that anything that h says or does is to just slide off, smile, agree (validate) and let him be with ow. and yes it is dbing, and now I am beginning to understand the concepts, finally, I guess my biggest fear had been that's it's too late, that it's been too long since bd and then I realised it's only been 6 months, and if I want a lifetime with my h, this is nothing.
life coach is available 24 hrs which is great, and is setting small goals like 30 seconds of mindfulness, my mind is a little too busy right to even think about any longer lol!
and he'd like me up the amount of time I go to the gym, also agrees weight lifting is better for me as I have to truly focus on the weights, lifting correctly, etc whereas with something like running or walking I'd have too much time to think!
Quick question, how many out there in db land and a WAS, and in an a, had their was say/call the a an relationship angle that it was "serious" is this just the fog talking? because h has said this but will still initiate family time (or try to) and is initiating texts with me etc...just curious....
