I am so feeling it is time for a change... glad it is new thread time!
Oldies above.
I am glad it is Sunday night. It was quite a week. Here is a brief rundown..
Bad news at work Dr office called and needs further testing this week Emergency meeting at S17 school w/ xh Spoke to XH for first time in 2.25 months- I purged MANY truth darts Had to see xh all weekend at sporting events Got into gesture fight w/ xh where he rubbed in having a baby s did not respond to xh for many days- gave silent treatment since meeting at school ~4days I was told xh is really torn up about r with kids xh confided in someone (who told me) xh said he thinks he has hit rock bottom
Things aren't all bad. It was just an eventful week. I would like to add that work is really stressful, and although things are coming back very badly from last year, things for this year are looking much better. I am finding so much enjoyment at work this time around. It was impossible for me last year. I couldn't eat, sleep, focus, feel anything...
S17 seems to be gradually getting better. It is his senior year and I will do whatever I can to ensure it is great for him. He has taken everything very hard. It stressed him out and his grades dropped tremendously. This has adverse affects, since he became even more stressed because it was the time he was to start looking at colleges. He was an honor student and has wanted to go to MIT since 5th grade for engineering (he read about it then in a TIME magazine). Now, his interests have diminished, etc. It has been a tough road. But he is strong, smart, open-minded, funny, and a great kid. I know he will be fine.
D13 has shown no signs of wavering. She has been steadfast... It is like she hasn't even hit a bump. I am not sure what to make of it at this point. Her grades are amazing and is an honor student. She is a tremendous athlete and the youngest on all of her teams, but starts and gets tons of playing time. She has a very busy social life. She is loved by everyone. Seriously... adults and kids. Teachers love her, parents love her, but not in a brown-nose way. All the kids love her too! She is hilarious and so sweet. As far a xh, she is disgusted by him. She really does not want to be around him, but she is never mean to him. She would feel too bad. I don't know if I should be worried about her- she just seems so put together. The irony...
I am getting better. For the most part. I am making plans, moving along, becoming more independent. Many things bother me less. I am used to being on my own. However, many of the real betrayal issues are starting to come up. The are listed mainly towards the end of my last thread. I hope to leave the majority of it there. I know I still have a lot to work through, but after this weekend, I don't want to "react" like that again. I can't believe I totally lost it at d's game like that. I just look like a jerk. But, I can't help but think that it bothered xh too. I don't think he wants to hurt me like that. That is his nature to go for the jugular when he feels attacked. I am NOt by any means making excuses, I just know him (or at least I used to).
All winter when he would go into monster, he would call the next day and apologize. It's so weird. Everything I look back on now, I know hww was in the background. It makes me sick, but quite frankly, there is nothing I can do about it.
I know she and her mom are symptoms (thank you, AJ!), but I still cant help but feel such disgust for them. She was well aware of me and my kids. Yes, I know xh is 100% responsible fore his actions, but so is she. I guess I expect more from mothers? She has a kid. I am certain she would not allow her kid(s) to be treated the way mine have. If she really cared about him, than how can she disrespect his family the way she did. And, how could he allow someone to disrespect his family like that? How could he put someone before his family? I just don't get it. I never will. I have got to stop spinning around that. I could go on and on about that. In my mind, I do. It is not healthy; it will not change. I have to get past it. I am not quite sure how to yet.
So I am planning some things. I am doing things differently. I am enjoying things the best I can. I just want to mix it up. I know I am not always up for it, but I try to seize the moment.
My future is a big question mark. That is scary but exciting. I am not sure what to make of it. I feel like sometimes I am waiting for something to happen. WAIT!!!! It seems like there is ALWAYS something happening.... let me clarify. I feel like I am waiting for a change, waiting for direction, waiting for a sign, or something. They are probably all around me. I know I need to take charge and not wait. But I am working on that.
I read a post by uR earlier. It was about mirrors all around. That really hit me. I am having a lot of difficulty with this. I hear the words xh left in my head. "I can do much better. Trrrruuuussssttttt mmmmmmeeeeeeee. MMMMuuuuuuccccchhhh bbbbeeettttttttteeerrrrrrrr." That was about a year ago. Well, now I know who he thinks is much better. I don't thinks so, but it was always HIS opinion that mattered most to me. He left me with "I don't love you." And that I wasn't worthy of any effort. Then he gave it to someone else. A young someone else. I got a text message saying he was pursuing divorce. There was no closure, I was just replaced. I was nuked by phone. It was a 2 minute conversation and our 19 year r was over.
I will be OK. I will not be bitter; its not in my nature. But I have a lot to work through. I don't know how, really. But I will keep trying. I am on my own journey. I am on my own path. I have my eyes wide open. Not just for me, but for my kids too. And honestly, I am well aware that xh and I are on totally different paths, but that does not keep me from keeping an eye out for him. I wonder about him; I really do.
What "rock bottom" means for him, well, only time will tell. What my question mark means for me? Well, time will tell for that too. In the mean time, my eyes are open.
MIGHTY!!!!! Ok, I had scanned your recent posts thru yesterday, but I read them again today to read what I missed....and seriously... THE GAME THING.... I can completely understand why you reacted the way you did. And you ended the sign-language and kept it from escalating. Girly, you are stronger than you even know. If it was me, I might be in prison now.... Time is going to have a way of sorting this out. And you are going upward and onward. I know we're not supposed to care and focus on the WAS, but, I would put money down that in time, you will never again feel he "won" anything. Certainly not an in-your-face gesture battle. It's clear to me, no matter what he tries to throw at you, he is the loser. He knows he can't put toothpaste back in the tube, and he's so stuck with his mess. Leave it to him to sit in, and smile knowing you're worth so much more than anything he can give you right now.
It's easy for me, and many here, to beat ourselves up for setbacks, or times we acted out. But, do you ever think about how much you have done well? I mean, M.... I don't know how you do it. You are doing the best you can to keep going. And your best is far and above. It's extraordinary. My gut tells me there is something incredible coming your way in the future.
What plans do you have for yourself and more GAL?? I could use some ideas . I'm goal setting. Because goals are less destructive to set than fires.
Shining, YOU are extraordinary. Seriously, I doubt, doubt, doubt myself soooo much. Your post to me made me feel really good. That was really nice, and I really appreciate it.
I will think about GAL. I have some plans in the works, and others that have been great! I will try to make a list for you... something totally legit that you may be interested in. Hmmm... lemme think on that, when I'm not so darn tired! It totally drives me crazy that I have such a hard time getting up during the week, and then on the weekends I am wide awake sooo darn early, earlier than weekdays. What gives?
The prision thing... believe me... I have really had to keep it together. I've had moments...
Mighty, I can see myself in your reaction at your D’s game. I can almost feel the rage and frustration and anger. Yes, you need to take this under control and not react like this again. It will just feel much different. I’m sure you will get there. You just needed to let it out.
I’m not surprised about him saying that hit the rock bottom. He lost the respect of his kids, he lost the life he had, he is starting a new life with someone who he barely knows. I’m saying that because he will realize one day she is not a good person. She is a predator. She is someone who thinks that is better than his wife and why he chose her. I never believe in a relationship that is built on lies and betrayal. I want to quote another phase from a relationship article (or book): “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”
Here is another quote: “Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”
I also can never get it when a woman gets involved with a married man and causes all the stress and devastation on his family.
Interesting, my son also wanted to go to MIT when he was in a middle school. Then gradually through the high school this goal had diminished. He ended up getting in trouble during the last year of high school and didn't go to the university. He went to community college for a few years, while also working full time. He is very talented. He can set up an office network and troubleshoot the computer problems, and he can also build a cabinet, a desk, or entertainment center. And he can hook up the ceiling fan and replace the sprinklers. Tonight he replaced an old door bell that was broken in my house. He just transferred to the university and started the semester. Hopefully he will graduate in a couple of years with the Bachelors.
17 is the age for the boys when they are adventurous and rebellious. Your son will turn fine, just give him some time. I’m sure you will be very proud of him.
Your daughter seems to be a very smart kid. She will definitely “kill” her father with kindness, LOL. I’m not surprised he is worried about the relationships with his kids. He should be. He is doing the wrong thing thinking that everybody will just go along with it. He is very wrong.
Hang in there, Mighty. One step at a time.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Wow, you let go, didnt you? LOL! It happens. The great thing is that everyday is a new one.
But now you said it, he heard it, no need to go there again, right?
So, about her...she isnt worth your headspace. She doesnt matter. Not in any real sense. She is with a married man with kids and pregnant. She cant shine your shoes. End of story.
About the mirrors I always write about....of course it mattered what your h thought. The thing of it is, was what he thought correct?
You were a good wife. You loved him. Were there things you could have done better? Probably. Did you do anything with the intent to hurt your marriage? No, Im sure you didnt.
He is in crisis. Now that doesnt give him a free pass. But it may help you to understand his mindset.
He is in pain. I know, I know, it doesnt seem like it. But he is. He feels like he is swimming in mud. Trying whatever he can to feel better. It is a house of cards, though. Build on lies and deceit...not the foundation for a lasting relationship.
So, knowing that he is a mess...he is not a valid mirror. He doesnt love himself. He certainly isnt capable of being able to judge you or anyone else.
But look what your children are reflecting back to you, and your family and friends and the people you work with...
Dont allow this man, who is broken, and that woman without worth define who you are and your worth.
"I can do much better. Trrrruuuussssttttt mmmmmmeeeeeeee. MMMMuuuuuuccccchhhh bbbbeeettttttttteeerrrrrrrr." That was about a year ago. Well, now I know who he thinks is much better. I don't thinks so, but it was always HIS opinion that mattered most to me. He left me with "I don't love you." And that I wasn't worthy of any effort. Then he gave it to someone else. A young someone else. I got a text message saying he was pursuing divorce. There was no closure, I was just replaced. I was nuked by phone. It was a 2 minute conversation and our 19 year r was over.
If it helps, many of us heard that speech. I know I did
What a silly way to end a marriage, relationship and friendship, right?
I posted on your last thread - I was answering your question. I hope it helps in some way. I didn't realize it locked the thread.
But as I read the above - you are regaining a healthy perspective. Remember that no matter what "events" happen in your life, you can bend, but you aren't the kind of person that has the option of breaking. Nor do you need to. You take the highs with the lows and you learn to appreciate life for what it is - life! The good? Enjoy it. The bad - is it really bad or just that it wasn't what you wanted? In the end, they are both points in time that you can evaluate later for good or bad impact on your life.
Many of us have listened to the words our ex's spouted. We trusted them and the relationship, so of course we remember it. They have no grace in their state of mind. We're the ones that they spoke to at least. There are many others where their spouse disappears and shows up 20 years later having said nothing.
Just people being people.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
AJ, YES! I got your post on my last thread. Thank you. I am going to address all of you guys individually, but first I just have to say this:
I had a tough week. Tough is now different than it used to be. I texted my friend the other day after she asked how I was doing. I joked and said, "...lots going on. I think at this point I am turning into Ironman." Her response was, "Girl, you've always been Ironman!"
She has no idea. I was always a tough cookie. Tougher than any of my friends, that's for sure. Probably the toughest in my family (and the only girl). This past year has changed me.
First, I became very soft, in a way. I was very vulnerable. I was never a crier, but oh boy, I think I made up for a lifetime of not crying (and then some...) However, with that I am tougher now, too; it just feels different.
But this week.... yes, it was tough, but my toughness is so different than it used to be. I am sensitive to my emotions, but I am better at keeping them in check or perspective. Yup, I had my moments, for sure. Old Might was fighting her way up and out, but honestly, I'm not ashamed about it. I actually feel fine about it. I am not perfect. I am hurt. I reacted to xh because he has hurt me. I think, considering all the damage he has caused our family, I've kept it together pretty well. Had I not had months of growth since bd, it all would have been a totally different scenario. No doubt. (I think that's the reaction xh has been expecting and I think he is quite confused by this.)
Eeee gats! I digress... yet again!
OK, so to get to the point. I am good. I know I will be better. Here is the thing: I am sooo grateful to the people in my life who got me through this.
Shining, Brook, AJ, Heather, Julie, Live, Bright, uR, you guys gave me a shout-out, guidance, support, calmness, valid points, spotlights, clarity, reality, perspective, friendship when I REALLY needed it.
I have never been on a social media site or anything like that. I just don't do it, for whatever reason, just not my thing. I was very hesitant to register here. I lurked for over 8 months before I posted. MANY have helped, even before I claimed my alias, Mighty. So anyway, I have intentions to address you (listed above) directly. I will. Right now, it is so important for me to thank all of you.
I am doing well. I saw xh tonight. It didn't even phase me. No sweat. I got this.
Don't feel the need to respond to the postings, Mighty. They are for your benefit - you choose what to do with them. Whatever you choose is fine
You're right - you got this and then some.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
As for your XH? He has a long way to go. He may have hit a false bottom, but he hasn't hit bottom most likely.[/i]
Hmmm... AJ, I think you are right on with that. I hadn't really thought about it, but yes, dealing with emotional things is definitely not xh's expertise. In fact, as I've mentioned before, we always just kind of went along with him to ease anything for him. I have made things pretty easy for him. I am, by no means, a pushover, but I was very aware of xh's inability to deal. I think I believed I was protecting him or being a good wife or something. Soooo, he probably believes he did hit rock bottom. This is just new for him- everyone NOT going along with what he wants. He, FOR ONCE, can't control the situation. And, he just does not know what to do or how to fix it (his r with kids). So, you are right, it is probably what he thinks is rock bottom, but he has a loooooooong way to go.
[i]Should you sit around and wonder if he's going to get healthy etc? Or should you expect that he won't and live your life accordingly?[/i]
I wonder. I probably always will. I will probably always keep an eye out, but the distance from which I watch becomes further and further. Who knows, maybe someday, out of sight? It doesn't matter though what I see, I WILL live my life accordingly.
[i]It may take a while my friend, but if you start with small things now, you'll eventually be free of him. You'll have to start with wanting to be free of him of course. All the good, the bad, the ugly. Then you'll have to start taking steps to be free of the anger, the happiness, the passion associated. The good times will always be there, but the rest will fade away.
I guess that's where I am headed. I guess I just want him to know the destruction he has caused. He may know some. I just have to realize that it probably does not matter if he does or not. It won't change things. I am taking steps, sometimes I just don't know how to step. The anger... that is my biggest difficulty now. I have to say though, I do have a lot of happy memories to share with the kids. I do struggle wondering if everything was a lie. I feel like a joke. But, for my kids sake, or even myself, I do share funny experiences with them. I am a storyteller by nature. I love funny stores. I still talk about good times with the kids. They like to hear about it, and I can laugh about those things. I am glad I still have my sense of humor.
Don't question your feelings so much. I applaud that you are worried about it. I do. But recognize that life is short and if your xH doesn't want to be there, and if you can't understand why he did what he did, well - it happened and you need to have your life anyway. He doesn't want to be part of it, but that doesn't give you an excuse to lay down and die. Or to waste your life being angry etc.
Yes, yes, yes. Can you PLEASE give me this kick in the pants on a routine basis? I know this and I know I have much more ability to enjoy life more than xh. I am the optimist, the outgoing one, the one who sees the good in people and things. It may be a little more difficult now, but, having more empathy... maybe not. When I am myself, I have crazy energy. Like, seriously, like crazy energy. I love that about me. I miss that. My lows have been low. I've never really experienced that. Yup, I've had difficulties in my life, but that did not slow me down, just made me tougher. These low periods have been very different for me. Maybe that is why it is hard for me to shake them sometimes. So keep on kickin me!
Get the anger out where it belongs. It belongs to him. i.e. he gave you a bucket of anger and asked you to hold it. Give it back. Find out who you really are without him around. I think you may really like what you find. smile
That is the best thing I've ever heard. I love that. He can have that stinkin bucket! He owns it. His name is engraved in it. Sucka. I don't want anything to do with it.
Alright, AJ, I know you said I don't have to respond, but, there have been so many "good" things stated in my direction, that I must address them. You hear me?! I must!
Really, it just helps me sort through it. It helps validate the advice. I appreciate this so much; you have no idea.
Mighty, I can see myself in your reaction at your D’s game. I can almost feel the rage and frustration and anger. Yes, you need to take this under control and not react like this again. It will just feel much different. I’m sure you will get there. You just needed to let it out.
I’m not surprised about him saying that hit the rock bottom. He lost the respect of his kids, he lost the life he had, he is starting a new life with someone who he barely knows. I’m saying that because he will realize one day she is not a good person. She is a predator. She is someone who thinks that is better than his wife and why he chose her. I never believe in a relationship that is built on lies and betrayal. I want to quote another phase from a relationship article (or book): “if you want to marry someone who honors the commitment of marriage, why would you date someone who is married? What does that say about your own commitment to marriage?”
Here is another quote: “Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.”
I also can never get it when a woman gets involved with a married man and causes all the stress and devastation on his family.
Interesting, my son also wanted to go to MIT when he was in a middle school. Then gradually through the high school this goal had diminished. He ended up getting in trouble during the last year of high school and didn't go to the university. He went to community college for a few years, while also working full time. He is very talented. He can set up an office network and troubleshoot the computer problems, and he can also build a cabinet, a desk, or entertainment center. And he can hook up the ceiling fan and replace the sprinklers. Tonight he replaced an old door bell that was broken in my house. He just transferred to the university and started the semester. Hopefully he will graduate in a couple of years with the Bachelors.
17 is the age for the boys when they are adventurous and rebellious. Your son will turn fine, just give him some time. I’m sure you will be very proud of him.
Your daughter seems to be a very smart kid. She will definitely “kill” her father with kindness, LOL. I’m not surprised he is worried about the relationships with his kids. He should be. He is doing the wrong thing thinking that everybody will just go along with it. He is very wrong.
Hang in there, Mighty. One step at a time.
Thanks, Bright. Yeah, the anger and rage thing... it's killing me. Funny though, when I saw him yesterday, I didn't really feel anything. My mom was with me, and I know it was difficult for her, even though she said she was fine and being upbeat. She noticed he was constantly texting and she grumbled something. I felt a twinge, but I just told her not to look at him. She exclaimed, "It's hard! When I look at you, I can see him behind you!" But she never said another word after that. Then she fell down the bleacher stairs. OMG, it was scary. I felt so bad for her. A bunch of guys ran to her. I told her she was a damsel in distress and all the men wanted to save her. She laughed it off, but it was not funny... till later.
Thanks for sharing the story about your son. That means a lot to me. I know s17 will be fine, the timing just stinks for him. His last two years of high school have consisted of his cousin killed in a car accident, his grandmother (whom he is very close to) fighting cancer, our house torn up and him "living" in the basement for a year, only to have a flood and lose all his stuff, his dad moving out, and well... you know the rest. On top of that, his grades have plummeted and he feels like his future has vanished. I am just trying to get him to realize that it may not be the path he planned, but there are still other paths to take. Yeoza!
And the info and quote you shared with me. Thanks, that's some interesting stuff. Something that I am still pondering.
I hope you are well, Bright. You are one smart, kind chicka. Thanks for taking the time to look out...
I have today off for several appointments, so I've been perusing the boards while hanging in waiting rooms. This is a great time-filler!
Yesterday xh sent an email to s17's counselor about his attendance. He checks obsessively to ensure s17 is in class. That's all good...
The counselor responded to him and cc'd me, and their email exchanges continued, while keeping me informed. I did not interject at all.
Today, I had to take s17 to an appointment. I knew xh would see absences from classes online, and start texting s17 about it and email counselor.
So I sent an email to the counselor this morning and cc'd xh informing them that I was taking s out of school for a little bit for an appointment. It was a good way to communicate without directly addressing xh.
One hour after the time I informed through email that I would be taking s out of school, I got a text from xh (I said I'd take him out at 9:50 for an apt and got a text at 10:50. I did not say what the appointment was for).
xh: How is s17 doing?
Me: OK
xh: Just ok?
me: Yup. Just ok.
xh: Perfect!!!
He is such a weird-o. I don't know this guy. I know that does not seem like a big deal, and really, it's not. But I can see how lost and out of control he is. I feel nothing.
Hey uR. So glad you dropped by! I think maybe you could hear my cry for help. Your timing was perfect. Without you guy here, there is a chance that my wordrobe would consist of a straight jacket and scrubs. Not the best look. Pretty hard to apply makeup, I think.
I would say, yup, I let go. In a way, I let go of more than just words. I am really starting to look at this guy from an outsider. It's not that difficult, I guess, because he made himself such an outsider.
It's funny that the whole time he really treated me like we were friends. And now I see him still try to take the same approach. Like nothing. Ummm... Hello??? Does he really expect me to just be like, ok, you had an affair and started a new family, and lied the whole time. Well that's cool. Have fun. I hope it works out and we are good friends, that is when HWW isn't around and doesn't know you WANT to be friends.
I just wasn't to tell him to jump in a lake. (Or something like that)
Yeah, those mirrors. It's got me thinking. Well, xh didn't have much to say negatively about me. The worst was that he could do much better. That is killing me, esp knowing HWW was waiting in the wings. Puke.
I don't think so, but he is shallow and selfish. When I think what others say I don't believe them. I feel like people say things to build me up because that's what you are supposed to do. I don't feel like a slouch or anything. I am a good person. I tend to get along very well with everyone, but I guess I have a hard time valuing myself. Hey, when the person who is supposed to value you more than anyone and throws you out like trash, it's a hard thing to get over.
I was thinking about what you said today. You are right, I should not give her head space. She ain't worthy! Nothing good comes from it either. So, I am removing her from my head. Maybe I need a lobotomy. Hmmmm... Straight jacket and labotomy- not looking so good for me.
You are right, he is in pain. I think he is swimming in mud, too. Good analogy, uR! I am certain he lies awake thinking about the kids. I know it is eating at him. J don't know how that affects his r with HWW. Who knows, maybe she consoles him and massages his ego, you know, it's MY fault and his kids use him. Whatever, mind reading, headspace- 2x4!! Anyway, thanks, uR. And please drop by again soon!
I have made things pretty easy for him. I am, by no means, a pushover, but I was very aware of xh's inability to deal. I think I believed I was protecting him or being a good wife or something.
So, what would you do differently if you had the chance? Or would you do things the same way?
Look. He's a grown man and you have every to expect him to tell you if he doesn't want that kind of support. It's called a healthy relationship when that kind of thing happens.
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I guess I just want him to know the destruction he has caused.
Can you rationalize with an irrational person? What would happen if he did? Would that provide you with 'closure' or give you the permission to live your life?
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The anger... that is my biggest difficulty now
Well... yeah. I think it should be a problem during all fo this. It's not like you weren't hurt But I wonder... what's beneath that anger? Anger is usually the second layer emotion (or third or fourth or..) and it's just possible that the anger is "hiding" something else. Is it? It's not like you would rationally want a person in your life who did what he did. So what is the anger really about? Some of it, I'm sure is directed (rightfully) at him. What about the rest?
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I feel like a joke
I get that. I've been there. Now own it. Own that feeling. And ask yourself, "am I a joke for wanting my family? For trusting somebody as much as I did? For taking a chance? For being loyal? For doing the things I felt were right and were supporting of my spouse?"
I know you feel like a joke and a cliche. I also know that you're not either of those things. We as a society often joke about things that hurt or scare us. Divorce is one of those things. A cheating spouse is one of those things. We laugh about it because it's how we as human deal with things that scare or hurt us. But when all is said and done, do you feel like you did your best with the information you had? If so, you're not the joke. You're the prize. Your ex on the other hand...
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I am glad I still have my sense of humor.
That's a great sign! A sense of humor is better than gold if you ask me.
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Well, xh didn't have much to say negatively about me
That's because it's not about you
The thing is, you're an upbeat and trusting person by nature. Or so it seems. But you need to be realistic as well. It can be hard when you're trying to maintain balance of emotions not to go one direction or the other. But honestly, being optimistic and realistic can go well together. Personally, I'm very optimistic by nature. And believe me, I could just as easily have been a sour old man after the last few years of my life. But like you tell your son, there are many paths. Don't stop trying just because one didn't work out. Life is all about the highs and lows and learning to cope with them IMHO. You try. You find a way that doesn't work. You try a different way. Rinse. Repeat.
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Really, it just helps me sort through it
And that is why I come back to these boards. To give back what I got when I was where you are at the moment. I've lived it and I know that when you're going through it, you "know" these things, but they seem elusive. I know it was for me.
There is no magic pill to make this stop. As Winston Churchill once said, "when you're going though hell, keep going!" That's appropriate in the sense that you're emotionally going through a tough time. We all do. But don't stop where you are. If all you felt was anger all the time, you know you stopped. You don't, so you're still moving. That's a good thing. If you keep moving, you'll eventually get to the other side even when at times, it feels like you aren't moving. Trust me, you are. And it never seems to go fast enough, but it does.
AJ
P.S. you do know your son watches how you handle things, right? He's going to learn from you how to handle 'difficult' times. Be a good example
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Mighty, I so get what you are saying about when the person who is supposed to value you the most does this..that it is hard to value yourself.
Here's what I know now. The lack of value for me from my xh is a reflection on him, not me.
The reason being is that we should never allow ANYONE to determine our worth. Nope. No one. We get to do that.
Your h made poor choices. But it is a lacking in him that he did. Part of the reason they go into crisis is because they dont value themselves. They are broken. They cant see the people who love them because they are too busy trying to fix what's wrong.
Who does what he's done? I mean, really. It is craziness. And she is as broken as he is.
Best to let both of them blow in the wind right now. You just get out of the way of the train wreck.
Start to look within, M. Find your own value. Dont allow what he has done to make you question who you are.
Hey, uR! "No... Sleep.... till Brooklyn!" Yeah- shout-out to Beastie Boys, uR. I am way on the other side of the state... WNY. Go Bills!- no wisecracks, now.
Thanks for thinking of me. I've been cycling a little bit.. or more. Some of the posts were deleted from the weekend. Once I got out of my own selfish thoughts and saw what was going on, I copied some and emailed them to myself. I am going to repost the ones I have. Unfortunately, not all of them went through. Boo hoo hoo.
Just seems like sometimes things are quiet and sometimes things are showing that they are (we are) going through a process. It just so happened that something was going on over the last few days. Maybe nothing big, but as we learn in MLC land, sometimes the smallest things are a sign of something- or other times it is to be ignored. That is the great thing about these boards, it helps you process them and gain perspective.
So below, I will post some of what was "lost" from the weekend that I do have. (All of this royally screwed me up. I had plans that AJ set me up with- some soul searching, then hearing from xh, then boards off. I swear, AJ, I am not procrastinating on purpose!)
You know what? Genuine apologies can come by text if you are too ashamed of what you have done to do it in person.
Your ex seems to me like a guy who got depressed, got sucked into an affair which temporarily alleviated the pain, then found himself unexpectedly "stuck" by virtue of fathering (possibly) a baby. If he's telling other people that he's hit "rock bottom", the temporary endorphins from the romance have probably worn off, and now he's depressed AND stuck where he is.
I would suggest you take a little pity on him and simply accept his apology. (MY ex has NEVER apologized for blowing up our 24 year marriage and our kids' lives - yet I'm sure I'll hear it some day.)
I hear ya, guys. I don't know. It's tough. I mean, I took serious pity on him for MONTHS. Even when others didn't understand and he was gone, I stuck by him. He was out banging some chick and blowing me & kids off, I stood up for him. I was ride-or-die for this guy. I would have gone to the end of the earth and back for him- and he knew it. He told me he knew that. He told me he knew he had my heart and always would. Then had to go to be with her.
When he dropped the nuke- I was worried about him. I told his b to make sure he talked to him, that I was worried about him. For weeks, I felt badly for him. My heart ached for him. I knew this was not a good sitch for him.
But I realized, while I was feeling bad FOR HIM after he had TOTALLY devastated my family, he was going around town with her and her kid like everything was great. Working on their house, putting in new floors and such, while I was dealing with the disaster he left me with (after saying, "I would never leave you with this." after bd). He was there doing all the work while she was shopping and then xh was hanging out with her and her kid while I was doing EVERYTHING. Taking care of OUR kids and this house in shambles he left me with.
I have always made things easy for him and let things go that, quite frankly, maybe I shouldn't have. He knew how to work me and he knew what he could get away with. He knew I'd always be there. He took me for granted. He took the kids for granted. He did not care that he was going to hurt them and was so selfish. I tried to express to him how hurt they would be. He said, "They'll be fine." He didn't care. He took them and their love for granted.
I know he has said he has hit "rock bottom" but I think he is just at the beginning. He does not know how to handle this situation. He wants to take the easy way out and for the first time, it is not an easy situation and there is no one to get him through. If I accept his apology now, he won't have to face the full consequences of his actions. I totally understand what you are saying, KML. I just feel like I have always held his hand and gotten him through this. I am sorry, but it will take more than a text message. What it will take, I really don't know. It is not that I don't appreciate the gesture, but eh, I don't know. It just seems too easy for me to let go. I am not harboring this, but truthfully, it is just the beginning for me. I am just starting to realize the gravity of what this has done to me. This is not necessarily about him and his apology right now. This, for once is about me. I need to work on myself before I can really see where I land. I am angry right now. I, too, have a long way to go. He may have further. I don't know.
There were many text messages that were ignored from me. When I think about what he did over the last year to me and my family, oh my gosh. The lies are incredible. Yup, he felt good around her when he was depressed.
But here, seriously, I realize deep down, that xh did not have the emotional capacity to be there for me. I had to be the strong one. If I needed to lean on him, he would become angry. I had to keep any sad or upset emotion from xh, because he couldn't handle it. He would get angry at me and make me feel worse. The year before bd was very stressful. I remember thinking that I needed him. I didn't express it, but I was more withdrawn. I tried to be upbeat for him. He was stressed too. I remember trying to encourage him and say, "I understand, but we will get through this. We just have to take one thing at a time. It will get better." He would get angry at me and say I didn't care and that he was the only one carrying the burden. That was not true at all. I was very stressed. I needed him. I knew that, but even so, I tried to be there for him. BUT, I was quieter.
Turns out, he was there for her. She had a miscarriage. She told her x that he wasn't there for her and he should have taken more time off of work. My h was there. For her. Not me. Not ever. But for her. That hurts.
Should I thank him for the text? Maybe. I am not saying I shouldn't. My gut tells me to leave it alone. I am not there yet. It is different for him. For me not to respond is new for him. For him to reach out to me and me not be there. Yes, I know it was part of my 180 since December, and I did well with it. But for me to be so silent for so long. And it is what I want. Before during db, I wanted to respond, etc. Now, I just need to process. He is very aware of my distance, believe me. Very aware. The depth of hurt is very evident in my lack of communication and response. I am not doing it to make a point. It is truly out of feeling. I need space. I need it to be about me. God, for once, not about him.
Do I feel bad for him. Absolutely. There isn't a second of the day that goes by that I don't feel this gaping void in my heart. I have a hard time breathing all the time. I just can't catch my breath. I am truly heartbroken. My heart literally hurts all the time. I weigh less than 100lbs. I don't sleep. I have to take medicine now. I very seldom take medicine. Very seldom, because I don't react to it well and I think we over medicate. But I have to take pills every day to cope with this.
I know it seems crazy for me to not validate his apology. It may seem to make me a b. I'm OK with it. I just feel like with the damage that has been done, more than a text needs to be done if he really means it. If he is embarrassed, well... he should be. So am I. I feel judged every day. I feel like people wonder what I did wrong in my m for my h to leave me for another woman.
He is going to have to suck it up if he is really sorry. Am I looking for him to grovel? Nope, not at all. Did I ever expect an apology, nope. Does that mean I don't appreciate it? Nope. I am just not ready to deal with it. I'm not, and it is as simple as that.
Geesh, maybe in an hour I will look at this with new eyes. I don't know. I am just letting it flow through my fingers right now. I don't know. I just did not feel it needed a quick response. Really, a response at all.
BTW, d had a game tonight. XH did not show up. He texted d and said, "Sorry I didn't make it. I wouldn't have had time to make it after work." That is such BS! He works 30 min closer to where d's game was than I do and I made it. The reality is that he wouldn't have had time to pick up hww's son and take them home and go back to her game. Seriously? He couldn't have driven himself today? He knew where the game was earlier this week. I heard him tell d on the phone he'd be there. Ugh.
I know I'm not supposed to post now but I am a Sagittarius and we can be daredevils:-). Let me take my favorite wedge sandals out of my mouth.
I apologize if I came across as insinuating that you are wrong, not taking the high road, or should feel a certain way. I typed 2 responses and one never posted. This snafu is all on me, my friend. My other response said a simple thanks back if ir when you are ready would be fine. I *do* think the fact that your h even extended an "I'm sorry" means he feels guilty for what has happened. And he should. For the record, if my xh ever apologizes you will all know because you wil feel the loud thud of me passing out. I don't know if he is truly remorseful. I also don't think this (sorry very un DB of me) that all should be forgotten and he is man of the year. It's kind of like when someone serves you a crap sandwich and tells you it's filet mignon.
I cannot imagine being in your sitch. I think you are doing a kick a$$ job in incredibly extenuating circumstances. Heck, when I read your sitch I was like "Geez, his guy is the ultimate a$$hat!!"
People always say "you need to get over it." I never but that. I think you have to get through it. And the reality is that you are forever and understandably so altered by this. I do maintain actions speak louder than words and I understand about compassion and forgiveness. However, it would take close to being a deity at this point to look at your h and say " he said he was sorry-all is forgiven".
You are doing so well. Your h imploded his life and those that stuck by him. I don't envy him in the least.
Posted by Heather (Quote from Mighty): "D13 has shown no signs of wavering. She has been steadfast... It is like she hasn't even hit a bump. I am not sure what to make of it at this point. Her grades are amazing and is an honor student. She is a tremendous athlete and the youngest on all of her teams, but starts and gets tons of playing time. She has a very busy social life. She is loved by everyone. Seriously... adults and kids. Teachers love her, parents love her, but not in a brown-nose way. All the kids love her too! She is hilarious and so sweet. As far a xh, she is disgusted by him. She really does not want to be around him, but she is never mean to him. She would feel too bad. I don't know if I should be worried about her- she just seems so put together. The irony..."
Hi Mighty Mouse :-)
I'm catching up on your thread.
Everyone handles this earth-shattering news differently. She may be finding solace in all that love she gets from being funny and popular. My D20 is like that. With her, I noticed, however, that she put ALOT of energy into maintaining that level of HAPPY...then, it started to take its toll and she crashed. I'm not saying she will crash.
I would be aware though...she may feel that she is helping you right now by being the "together" one. I was so wrapped up in my own grief, I simply didn't have it in me to be there for D20 when she needed to let her guard down.
I'd suggest letting her know that...if she feels weak and sad...that's ok too. Let her know that you won't be disappointed in her if she lets her guard down and feels lousy. Let her know that you can handle it if she is less than perfect. I wish I had given D20 permission to feel sad if she needed to. It bit me in the a$$ later. When I was stronger, she acted out.
What came out for D20...was a lot of anger in having her high school career impacted/embarrassed and wrinkled by her dad's behavior.
Gently, let her know she has a soft place to land in you. That's my .02.
I am so sad I don't have them all.... thank you, though for all who did respond. It means a lot to me, and I take what you post with careful consideration. I respect all of you, your opinions, your advice.
I realize that in my post, I sounded defensive. I did not mean it like that, especially towards anyone here. In fact, I did some thinking about it over the weekend. Really I think it was an argument I was having internally.
Maybe I am defensive, perhaps a bit. But I don't mean it to sound rude to anyone here. KML and GB, I hope you didn't think that I was argumentative. I totally agree with your points. I get it, and I appreciate your responses so much. When I reread it, it seemed that what I was saying could be misinterpreted. The truth is that the posts really gave me a lot to think about and gave me the opportunity to look inwards and to reflect. Had you not responded to me, I wouldn't have had a moment to think about where my feelings were coming from.
Since it has been a few days, I don't know that I fully want to go back into why I responded that way. I do have a lot of things going on upstairs (yes, even blondes CAN have a lot up there!) which seem to be fighting for time to reach clarity.
But, thank you, and just know that anything that sounded defensive or argumentative, was my own internal battle. I am working on it...
Mighty ... reading the past few updates ... I know maybe I am not in full DB mode either .. but with all you have been through, I very well can see why a no response might just be the way to go.
I think in a few of our sitches ... yours especially .. a text apology is in a way insulting, now I do not know when or IF I will ever receive an apology from W ... I would like to think one is in order, but sees the MLC fog swallows up those too. I can see it as a way to validate/extend the olive branch, but we all have been hurt deeply here ... and if there is a chance for R ... I would hope for all our sakes we could at the least receive an sincere in person apology .... then again (Thinking outloud) ... how do you NOT respond to that if you are not quite ready to forgive as you may be in your sitch ... maybe this guy did ya a favor and did a temp check to see where he is at ... and the non response was a easy way to let him know .... uh uh buddy ... not so fast.
Just my mind racing with how I would feel if my W did the same.
You know what? Genuine apologies can come by text if you are too ashamed of what you have done to do it in person.
If he's telling other people that he's hit "rock bottom", the temporary endorphins from the romance have probably worn off, and now he's depressed AND stuck where he is.
KML, I hadn't even thought of that. I guess I just figure he is either happy or stuck. But I guess you could be right, thinking you are at "rock bottom" may also be a sign of some unhappiness in r. I was mostly attributing it to r with kids. Perhaps there is more?
What's up, Cali?! Thanks for poppin' in. Hmmmm.... temp check, you think? You know, in a way, I feel like he does wonder where I am at. I do think that he thought I would always "be there." The longest he has gone since nuke on July 7th is 13 days without contacting me. Albeit, it is usually something pretty lame.
When his bro told him that he does not want to lose me from his life and family, xh replied, "Me either."
One thing I noticed about the text is that he said, "I know this means nothing to you..." That is very new for him. He knew I would always be there and that I was madly in love with him. He even said that no matter what, he knew I'd be there for him. Well, I think the silence is deafening.
You know, maybe it was just a wave of guilt. Maybe it was him getting closure. I don't know. I don't want to read into it any more, I guess. Or do I? Ha!
I didn't think too much of it at first. Just kind of like, ok, that's new. But then when I started questioning myself, it started snowballing.
OK, well... don't know what he is thinking- ever. I haven't had a face-to-face conversation in months. That is weird. We were so intertwined. Ah... well.
You know what, Might? It's ok to feel how you feel. There are not right or wrong feelings.
You arent ready to forgive him right now and it is ok. It is a process and one you should work towards, though. If you hold onto feelings of anger or resentment, they weigh you down and sap your energy.
Now my feeling is that having an MLC doesnt give him a free pass on his actions. He does have to own those.
Maybe he is feeling some of that, maybe he isnt. Who knows? They go in and out of feelings of guilt and remorse. But they doesnt really matter right now.
What matters is you. What matters is your journey.
You need to get to where you are good and strong. You need to figure out who you want to be.
He needs to figure out himself and you cant help him do that.
Some stuff to think about when working towards forgiveness that helped me was seeing it as the letting go of expecting something different. It was a way to honor my marriage and relationship.
Forgiveness doesn't mean that you deny the other person's responsibility for hurting you, and it doesn't minimize or justify the wrong. You can forgive the person without excusing the act.
Thanks, uR. I appreciate that. Yeah, I am working on something... (side prayer- God, please tell me what!)
You know, I guess it wasn't really until this became a matter of discussion here, or until I came here and it was pointed out to me that I had even thought about forgiveness. Even when he sent that text, I don't know that I even thought of it then. I hope that is not selfish of me. Nor do I want to harbor bitterness and resentment.
Am I thinking there will be more? I don't know. I don't know what I feel. I think that is the problem. As much as I am trying to move on with my life, I think I am still holding my breath. WHY?????? I just don't know!!! What am I waiting for???? I just don't know????? Maybe this is part of the process?
Really, I didn't respond to his text because I guess I just didn't know what to say and I feel like I didn't need to say anything.
OK, gotta run right now, but I do have one more GAL thing I want to share. A good moment for Mighty! I shall return later...
Yes, you are sooo right, kml. I have got to work through this anger. It is hurting me so badly, and not him at all. He does not even know or feel it. I do. It stinks. I need to get past this. WAIT! BINGO! WOW! I JUST REALIZED... duh... my side prayer was just answered!I am working on moving past the anger. See how that happens?!
As I was reading Heathers post the other day, it brought up some things that I've thought about. There were 19 years worth of letters, cards, etc that I had written to xh. Letters from when he was in basic training many years ago to current letters where I poured my heart out after bd. (before I was dbing.) now that he and HWW are living in the house they bought, I wonder what happened to them. I mean, the ink is hardly dry on some. So I wonder, did he throw them out or are they in her house for her to read? I try not to let it bother me, or spend time thinking about it, but I am a little curious.
I also wanted to share my GAL from Friday. It was a BEAUTIFUL day. I went with a friend to watch my d play volleyball. The game was in a town on the river that xh & I used to take our boat to. There was a great restaurant on the water that we really liked. I had only been there by boat & w xh. Any way, gf & I went there.
We went to the bar, which overlooks the river. The weather was perfect and the sun was setting. There was great music and fantastic food. My d was still at the game watching varsity in her happy-as-can be usual self. S17 called me and he was at home with a friend helping him through a rough time (good for s to be there for a friend).
I, at that moment, had no worries. My friend and I were laughing and having a good time. I said to her, "you know what? I like my life right now." We did a "cheers!" and enjoyed our dinner and drink overlooking the river. Good conversation & lots of laughs.
Hey M, feeling like you are holding your breath and waiting is normal in the beginning of all of this. Plus you have had a freakin crap load of stuff thrown at you.
It's like you think...ok, well, that just happened...holy helll. Takes some time to really and truly get your mind around it all.
You will get there. I have no doubt. Take it one step at a time.
Marvelous, Mighty! Cherish those special moments:-)
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Mighty, I have great days like that, too! Aren't they wonderful? Special moments brought to you by YOU.
M:54, H:55 T:33, M:27 12/13 BD: EA 01/14 BD: PA, H leaves 03/14 H & OW break up 05/14 H says he will file for D 08/14 H initiates D 09/14 H wants to R 12/14 Still bungling our way through R
Thank you for cheering me on! It was really nice. I'm looking forward to more. I hope you are enjoying moments like that too. Too bad we couldn't have one together!
It turns out, you should use protection when you are having an affair- not just to avoid having an illegitimate child.
Pre-cancerous cells have to be removed.
Another hurdle..... another hurdle..... another hurdle. That's all it is. Taking it in stride. Yup. Don't feel much emotion. It went to my "numb" place. My brain knows it's messed up, but I don't feel anything.
I will be saying a prayer for you mighty. I truly believe in prayer after my recent brush with ill health. I was scheduled to go on lung transplant list. The weekend before I was going for a lung biopsy I had another CAT scan. On Tuesday when I saw my specialist he could not explain what had happened or how. All he could say was the condition completely reversed itself and my lungs were clear. So sometimes he does cut us some slack.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Thank you, Shining. You are so sweet. Yeah, Next week will be the 2nd anniversary from when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. I am definitely not going to tell her about this. Stress is sooo bad for it. Another reason my dr said it has progressed in me.
LT, WOW! What an amazing story! That is truly remarkable. Thank you for sharing that. I am so happy for you that it worked out- and so wonderfully!
You guys, thanks for the support. The funny thing is, I am not that worried about my health. Maybe I am in denial, but I have faith that it will work out.
I think the most upsetting thing is that it is from xh. I mean c'mon. I feel like he is killing me a little bit at a time.
I am so sorry to hear your news, Mighty. I will be praying for you. You have been under so much stress. Please take care of yourself. I am sure everything will be ok.
And nope, do not allow your xh to take anymore than he already has.
I'm sorry Mighty. Sending positive energy your way!
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I know we aren't discussing the apology thing anymore but I wanted to offer my support and maybe some insight on why his "text apology" probably upset you.
Anyone can issue an "apology." An "apology" doesn’t require sincerity or an understanding of the offense. An "apology" is not action. It is merely a combination of words.
Your ex sent a text message. A combination of words. Nothing more.
An apology becomes meaningful when it is coupled with introspection that shows we understand why we are apologizing. That we understand what we did wrong.
We are sorry we hurt someone by our actions and are willing to take steps to correct the behavior so it doesn’t occur again. We want to learn affirming behaviors so we never do the thing for which we are apologizing for.
But most of all, we want them to know we don't want to hurt them again. We apologize because we want them to understand hurting them is unacceptable to us. It is a boundary we never want to cross. Our intention is never to hurt them.
This is why an apology is meaningful.
Your ex didn't apologize to you. His text message conveyed none of this information.
To the contrary. He didn't apologize. He rudely attributed a negative behavior to you and then issued what appeared to be an "apology." And he did this in a text message. Hello! Test messaging has been your ex's weapon of choice since bd.
It was a passive/aggressive attack on you in the guise of an apology.
I have no doubt your ex thought he was apologizing. But this is a man who doesn't seem to care about anyone's feelings but his own.
How do I know this?
He left his wife and family for another woman and her family. He didn't leave his wife and family because he "needed space." He plotted and planned this. He made sure he had another family in place so he could seamlessly replace the pictures on his mantle.
The minimum (and I do mean the minimum) he owes you is a sincere apology.
But I wouldn't hold my breath. A man like this doesn't give sincere apologies. He sends passive/aggressive text messages designed to make you angry causing a confrontation which will validate his reason for abandoning you and his children.
On another note, do everything possible to be healthy. Don't you dare give this man an opportunity to capitalize on your situation. This man has no moral compass. I would not put it past him to use your situation to benefit himself somehow.
Just saw what is up, Mighty. Good thing you are as strong as your name! Stay strong, keep up the positive attitude....I know you will come through this!
Thanks guys, you are the best. I don't know what I would do without you all here.
Am I surprised about what I am about to update? Nope.
I got the phone call on Wednesday.
(I debated to post or not, then it's like, what the heck, I didn't do anything wrong. I should not be ashamed, but it is embarrassing.)
Wednesday afternoon, I composed an email and sent it to xh. This, too, I debated, but I thought I had a moral obligation to tell him (the irony, right?!).
My email was short and to the point. There was not a greeting or closing. It was not accusatory nor emotional. It simply stated the facts.
Do you think there was a response? Aaaaaaaaaaaawwwww.... no.
The last email I sent to that address was over the summer about the $ he owed me as per our agreement. Ha ha! He sho' nuff responded to that one! The very next morning, from work (of course) I got a sweet (not) email from xh.
Now this: Silence. Crickets. Hello, hello, hello... anyone there?
However, I did get an email on Friday from xh (from work).
[I want to preface it with this- my mortgage still has xh's name on it. I can't get a loan until the additions are done (ugh). Xh works for the place that the loan is through. So he can monitor payments, etc. I understand he wants to ensure payments are made bc it would affect his credit if I didn't- which he knows would never happen]
[Also, xh told me awhile back that I would get $ when I refinance because there was a couple k in escrow, which I could put towards closing cost- again, keep in mind, he works for this company and has always handled the finances]
xh: Did you receive anything regarding the mortgage payment going up to xxx on 10/1/14?
(BTW, I had made the payment the day before with the increase)
about 5 hours later...
me: yup
xh: Why did it increase? (again... he works there...?????)
me: I guess there was a shortage from taxes last year. Escrow was short.
Done. Silence. Crickets. (Seeing a pattern?)
I wonder if xh cashed out the "extra" escrow $ when he bought his house. I don't really know how it works, but his new loan with hww is through the company they both work for.
Mighty, I’m so sorry about the news. I will be sending you positive thoughts.
I’m sure xh received your e-mail. Maybe he is reevaluating his new “rock bottom”. His texts and responses remind me of my H. He does the same things, asks a question, and when I reply and answer, there is silence.
Take care of yourself, Mighty. You are one strong woman, you know.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Bright and Brook, thanks so much! It means a lot to have your support. I am really fine. I am dong well, actually. And yes, Brook, I am living the good life!
Shining, I DID have a good weekend! I read your post on your thread earlier and I have been thinking about it all day.
I feel like I am neglecting my friends here, which is so the opposite of what I intend. You all have been so supportive. I took a very small break, had some things go down, and now, I have a very busy couple weeks. With that said, I have had AJ's work at the forefront of my mind. I am actually excited to do the work. I have put a lot of thought into it. I just haven't had time to put the actual work in.
Guys, I will be posting to you soon. Not that you are looking to hear from me, but I have been thinking of you.
Real quick, I just wanted to journal my weekend:
Yesterday, d13 had a vball tourney. It was early. I was there and enjoyed watching her. My brother showed up with his s 7 d. It turned into an all-day family event.
My bro & his kids & I went to our other bro's house. Hung for a few, had a beer, picked up his 2 s's and went to my s17's football game. My parents showed up there.
I picked up d13 during halftime, and we all met my older bro, my 2 sil's and niece (along with the rest of us) out for dinner. Then we all headed back to my house.
It was great. We had a bonfire, kids and uncles played catch w football, volleyball was going, music playing... it was fun.
D13 has become quite the baker. She had made 2 cakes the night before (about 9:30 after her practice) for my niece and nephew's birthday. Ice cream cake for niece. She's the one who went to 1D concert with us. The cake resembled one of their songs and had her ticket to the concert on it. Then she made a Skittles cake for N17's birthday. It resembled a skittles bag with skittles coming out, but it was really a cake. It was cool.
We had a great time, and has set me in gear, with momentum, towards my future.
OK, different perspective, but no longer the main focus!! Yeah!
First, xh told d13 he would be at her vball tourney. I didn't see him there.
At s17 football game, I saw him. I noticed him as I was watching my brother and dad walk down steps of bleachers. He was in the background leaning on the gate. He was late, as usual. I didn't mention to anyone I saw him.
Then, n17 went and got food on the other side and said he saw xh. I looked across and spotted him. He had moved to the opponents side and was sitting in their bleachers in a section all by himself.
Honestly, I think he saw my family. He sat, right across from us. I could see him texting the whole game. It was weird.
I left just before halftime with my niece to go get d13 from her tourney. We were back at the 4th quarter.
I know xh could see us very clearly. It is weird (from my perspective) to see me go get our daughter and he has no idea what is going on with our kids. He is simply an occasional observer. Not at all an active participant. He has no idea the time and effort I put into these kids. It's OK, bc I wouldn't want to do anything else.
So xh left with 2 min left. It was a very close score, and a great game- right to the last minute. But, of course, he couldn't stand the thought of facing anyone.
I really felt bad for him. Here was his family sitting across the way with a sick feeling just seeing him. He could never even face them. It's so sad. He has no one to enjoy his kids with. His family is totally checked out. They don't care. They haven't called or checked on them once, and the never will.
His family, that he made, is gone. He left them (us). And his new family isn't welcome, and they probably don't want any part of my kids.
Wow. What a lost soul. It is really sad. I feel bad, but for once, he has to face consequences. The first time ever. I think he tries to avoid it, but I don't know how much more he can.
You are right, Bright, I think he is reevaluating his "rock bottom". AJ, I think you are right too, he is just at the beginning.
D13 is just starting to express some emotion about the sitch. I took Heather's and AJ's advice. I let her know that she can open up and does not have to be strong all the time.
Yesterday she said how upset she was that December was only 2 months away. That is supposedly when baby is due. Ugh... I feel so bad for my kids. They have it way worse than I do. I wish I could take it all away from them. They are related for life. It is starting to stress d13 out. She said she wants nothing to do with them, but I can see it is weighing on her.
I have come a long way, you guys. I am so stinking tired, and you have heard enough from me. I have one more busy week and I can't wait to really check up on all of my peeps. And do my homework! My thoughts have been there and have resulted in progress! But for me, real movement happens when I really spell it out.
I know we aren't discussing the apology thing anymore but I wanted to offer my support and maybe some insight on why his "text apology" probably upset you.
Anyone can issue an "apology." An "apology" doesn’t require sincerity or an understanding of the offense. An "apology" is not action. It is merely a combination of words.
Your ex sent a text message. A combination of words. Nothing more.
An apology becomes meaningful when it is coupled with introspection that shows we understand why we are apologizing. That we understand what we did wrong.
We are sorry we hurt someone by our actions and are willing to take steps to correct the behavior so it doesn’t occur again. We want to learn affirming behaviors so we never do the thing for which we are apologizing for.
But most of all, we want them to know we don't want to hurt them again. We apologize because we want them to understand hurting them is unacceptable to us. It is a boundary we never want to cross. Our intention is never to hurt them.
This is why an apology is meaningful.
Your ex didn't apologize to you. His text message conveyed none of this information.
To the contrary. He didn't apologize. He rudely attributed a negative behavior to you and then issued what appeared to be an "apology." And he did this in a text message. Hello! Test messaging has been your ex's weapon of choice since bd.
It was a passive/aggressive attack on you in the guise of an apology.
I have no doubt your ex thought he was apologizing. But this is a man who doesn't seem to care about anyone's feelings but his own.
How do I know this?
He left his wife and family for another woman and her family. He didn't leave his wife and family because he "needed space." He plotted and planned this. He made sure he had another family in place so he could seamlessly replace the pictures on his mantle.
The minimum (and I do mean the minimum) he owes you is a sincere apology.
But I wouldn't hold my breath. A man like this doesn't give sincere apologies. He sends passive/aggressive text messages designed to make you angry causing a confrontation which will validate his reason for abandoning you and his children.
On another note, do everything possible to be healthy. Don't you dare give this man an opportunity to capitalize on your situation. This man has no moral compass. I would not put it past him to use your situation to benefit himself somehow.
Whoa! How did I miss this post??!!
Hope,
BINGO!
Wow! I don't know where you came from, but I am SOOO glad you came! (I hope that didn't sound rude)
You just put, into words, my exact feelings. I was muddling through my feelings, but couldn't put my finger on it. That is exactly it! You are one smart, insightful cookie!
Thank you so much for that. Truly. And you are so right.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I think I hit my max amount of information that I can feel emotionally.
I am in a weird place. It seems like when I get bad news now, I am numb to it. Is that bad? Here is the weird thing: I feel it physically. My heart gets all goobly and weird and exhausted/stressed feeling, my chest gets tight, and it is hard to breathe well. But I am numb otherwise. I haven't cried in awhile, even with my friend passing. Even with the health issue, I am just pi$$ed that I have to take off time from work.
I don't think that is normal. What is wrong with me?
Side note...
Here is a funny thing (maybe funny is the wrong adjective, but whatever). First, s17's grades aren't the best these days. He came home yesterday and was excited he stayed after and got tons of work done. (His grades can be viewed online, which xh & I both monitor)
Today, I get a text from xh:
S17's grades are looking awesome... Hope you're doing something about since lack of communication...
Hmmm....sounds like an anxiety thing with the chest tightness. Have you had that before? I have....it's not fun. My heart would race and my BP was emergency room high sometimes...I'm glad you're noticing it. Take care of Mighty!
The numbness? Is that bad? Idk! I would PAY for numb these days, lol. All kidding aside, I'm guessing our emotions are doing gymnastics all over the place, and anything that lasts a long time might be worth looking at. Numb may be a temporary coping thing because you're completely overwhelmed. I know nothing, though.
I love the xh phone-in parenting ....someone's feelings are hurt that you aren't chasing him with info he can see on his own?? Pahleeeeze. Did you reply?
My man-child called tonight...yeah. I rushed to get off the phone and it felt great. Then he sent me several recorded voice-texts of himself, claiming to be his S21. So now we're prank-texting. How attractive, you 44 year-old juvenile. Yeeesh.
I'm getting my mojo back.....feeling much better today, and on my way up toward my new life!!
Heck yeah I'm coming! I wish I was headed SE to NYC, too!
I mean, c'mon... seriously... prank calls?! Whoa. Yeah, keep moving forward, Shining... and away from nonsense!
No way did I reply to xh. In the past week and a half I've gotten an apology, irrelevant text about mortgage, and smart a$$ comment about my parenting. However, no comment about the email I sent last week regarding the health issue.
I could go on and on about the joke of that text... but, ugh... too much wasted energy. I just laugh and move on.
And yeah, it is definitely an anxiety thing. But it is just weird that I don't have emotion attached. Especially when I am fully aware that things are upsetting. It's not that I am looking to cry, but I am like a stone or something. I don't know.
Tomorrow is my surgery consult. It is also the 2nd anniversary of my nephew's fatal car accident (technically xh's nephew). What a week... again.
Shining, you are amazing. Keep at it. And I am so glad you are doing better. You will have those moments still, but they will become less and shorter. Looking forward to it being OVER!
Aagh....good luck at the consult tomorrow. I'm not entirely sure what the surgery involves, but be sure and tell the doc about your chest tightness before any type of procedure....we need Mighty healthy and back to the boards ASAP!!!
Yeah...it is tempting to reply to h with my smart mouth (sometimes it slips out a little). But I don't. I need to start a list called, "what I coulda said there"
The prank texts...apparently, the iPhone update has a voice text option now, and it sends an audio message.... I was the evening test-dummy. 7 times. Smh.
This is what I get for pulling back. I can't wait to see what happens when he REALLY sees me detach.....mmmoooohoooohooooo, hhaaaahaaahaaaaaaaaa.......(<<<< maniacal laugh).
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
Dr appointment was OK. It stirred up some anger with me. She said that most cases like mine are "mild" and mine is "at least moderate" whatever that means. Surgery will probably be in November.
Boy, my drive away from that office.... oooooohhhhhhh, I was getting heated. It really made me have to look at the sitch. The fact that I was so clueless when he was with both of us. Gggggrrrrr.....
I feel like maybe he didn't say anything to her because maybe she'd get mad that he was with his wife when we were together.... irony, right?! He probably gave her some spiel about how we were nothing and he was committed to her- gag.
On another exciting note... found an assorted stash of goodies in s17 bedroom. Err.. not so good. Got him on a tight rope now. Never a dull moment in the Mighty household.
Came home today to d13's entire JV volleyball team here. They were getting the stuff for their float ready for the parade tomorrow (Homecoming). Pep rally is tonight (both kids there)... those girls left a hefty mess as they rushed out the door.
Tomorrow: calling hours for friend/coworker. (Been a long week at work). Saturday: funeral & homecoming
I had plans with a bunch of people for tomorrow. Many of them friends from work, including the one who passed on Monday. We were going to make a day of it tomorrow. We were going to have brunch, all walk over to s17's football game (2 blocks from my house) and come back here for a bbq & get-together.
I was excited bc it was one of my GAL things. But, with the funeral and everything, we had to call it off. I will make the best of the weekend, though!
Ready for the up-swing.... any day now.... please... two years of shockers.... ok.... something.... anything.... please... Lord?
Ha... the good thing is... I have truly learned to embrace, enjoy, and appreciate the little things and small blessings.
Oh, I guess I should mention: Yesterday I got an email from xh. He addressed me and gave me all this information about the mortgage. Apparently it was not just taxes, but insurance, too. He called the insurance company to get information, and gave me a new company to try. He also forwarded all the email communication from the bank and him from his inquiry about my mortgage going up.
He was nice and acting all buddy-buddy. It was weird, a little bit of a different tone, almost timid but trying to win me over. I don't know, I can't explain it... and I could be waaaaaay off.
I also notice a difference in the way he texts and emails recently. It is actually more similar to me. Weird! (I have an annoying tendency to "..." I annoy myself with it sometimes, but I think it is part of my personality. XH never did that, and all week, I have noticed it all over- even reading through his emails to other people that he fwd to me.
OK, so he has been "working on this" mortgage thing since Friday (I noticed date on emails). WTF??!!!
Then, today I got an email from him saying sorry for loss of friend. It was like, "I'm so sorry..."
I am not sure why he is contacting me so often now. I mean like all the time! 3rd day in a row. It's not like I am engaging and interesting (hmmm... maybe my scarcity is what makes me interesting??? Enter Shining's maniacal laugh here<<<<<!)
Does he really expect a friendship? I mean, what more could you do to a person? WTF? I'm confused by this, but my brain is so fuzzy and unemotional... I am just floating through life right now. My perception may be off with everything. I will tell you what, it makes things easier when you have no feelings. Just here. But I do enjoy the good and happy things! Wooo hooo!!!!
Hey M, well, I am glad you took care of that. I dont blame you for being angry about it. It just suckks. He probably did tell her lies. It's what they do.
Sorry about your son, but, glad you are being proactive. Your daughter and her friends? Sounds about right. LOL! Arent the teen years so much fun? .
As for why he is contacting you..who knows? Could be your lack of reaching out. Could be he is up to something. Could be he is cray cray. Best not to try to figure it out. That just makes your head hurt.
And yes, they do expect a friendship. Amazing isnt it? The cuckoo keeps flying around the clock.
You sound good, all things considered. Good on you.
Sorry, Might...I'm a little hyper after sitting in my car, in a torrential sideways rain for 35 minutes as my D13 school let them out one by one after asking each individual car "who's your student"!!!?!!? Then walking them out one by one.....safety. Yeah, it's probably a good thing. But I was belting out show-tunes the whole time, and I got a little silly. .
I blame Fosse.
Anyway, I don't know how you do it...parenting teens is hard enough. Pile on everything else?? You are one amazing woman. You know...."The kind of woman only a...."
OK, while I wait... hopefully I will get something. Look at me all desperate and all. Ha, not really. It doesn't matter either way.
Sooooo......
uR- you are like a security blanket. You are so sincere and wise. You make difficult things so simple. Thank you. I love it.
Shining- when I saw you posted, I got a giddy. Ha! I was excited to see what Shining had to say. I love it. AND... Um... hello... yeah... so there! Tell me when and where the heck I am going- I'm in! Don't have to twist my arm!
Thought of you earlier. I had some thoughts I want to share. I will post later or this weekend. I need to be settled when I share with others. My mind goes a million mph in a million directions and I need to really think about it so you can follow. Nothing confusing or profound... just my dumb brain.
Thanks peeps. I probably won't respond. Really, if I said I'm fine, it is meaningless. If I say I'm not OK, he won't do anything about it. Whatev...
Yes! I feel your giggle fest! My bestie from NJ has been texting me and making me laugh. Plus a group message with my peeps from work... we are sharing lots of laughs to get each other through this time of loss. Plus, my kids just got home from pep rally. They are so funny and cute. D13 got braces off today! Shout-out to awesome kids!
Enjoy it, Shining... in the best lines from the Hokey Pokey, "That's what its all about!"
Glad to hear everything went well at the drs. It's always nice to be giddy and happy. Enjoy your weekend!!
Atsbaby M:36 H:35 T: 19 M:12 S:11 D:9 BD: 5/4/14 Proof of OW 8/13/14-love note from her 8/19 admits OW 8/22/14 files D w/o telling me 9/20/14 Says he wants to reconcile
I don't want to miss the chance to toss in a song. Mighty it appears that Shining thinks you are too legit 2 quit. Is it hammer time???:-)
Have fun with your friends. Laugh....a ton:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/03/1401:10 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
It's getting-it's getting-it's getting kinda heavy
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Whoa, whoa.... that's so funny. The video had a heavy set lady at a podium singing the chorus or whatever, the "high pitched voice" part. I remember that so well. I had two older bros. So different in music taste. One like dance jams.. totally graduated in 88, and the other was all about heavy metal.
The oldest, I remember, when he was home for the summer, getting ready to go out and singing that dang song as he was blasting it. That's so funny. I was like, "What the..."
I dug that stuff... but as I was a little older, I was more into the "Do the Ditty" and "Return of the Mack" However, Bel Biv Devoe and that... Color Me Badd... Ha ha... what a blast from the past!
YES, GB! That's the best! I used to ride my bike and rock the old school head phones to that. That's when I was grounded and the only thing I could do was ride my bike along the Erie Canal!
It's drivin' me out of my mind! That's why it's HARD for me to find Can't get it out of my head! Miss her, kiss her, love her.....
That girl is POISOUUUUNNNNNNNNN!!!
(Never trust a big butt and a smile )
I graduated HS in '88.!! ...I could get my dance groove on, and switch it up to big hair 80's rock band, too... Only thing I didn't grow up listening to was country.
Omg. True story. I saw someone wearing a Color Me Bad tshirt the other day. I'm sure they did it all for love.
I have genetically huge hair. I was grunge in college too. It was the Pearl Jam/Stone Temple Pilots/ era. Nothing like a good flannel shirt and hole-y jeans:-)
Last edited by Georgiabelle; 10/03/1402:01 AM.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Hello... Poison! My sister in law and I (we are a week apart) we singing that one night when we went out with xh. It was the 3 of us (my bro wasn't here) and we came back and played Euchre with my s and kept singing that. We played it for my s. And now it is an ongoing joke. We say "poison" all the time. More like... POY-son.
Yes... rocked it all but country. Man, we are so alike. Nothing against it... just not my thing.
Yup, that kind of grunge. Don't judge me. My dad was kind of a hippie. I think it came from that. Yeah, sooo totally Nirvanna, Pearl Jam. Still get down with that. That and Notorious B.I.G.
Ha!! I love it!! You won't get judgment from me...the big-haired, preppy, cheerleader-who-broke-the-rules-and -had-to-be-friends-with-geeks-musicians-nerds-theaterpeople-andespeciallyshykids.
What can you say?? You can start by saying, "A mulatto! An albino! A mosquito! My libido! Hey!!"
Thanks for your kind words, Mighty. And perfect that you didnt answer...cuz you're right...what's the point? Leave him to his crazy. You dont want to get any of it on you.
And hey, I want in on a meetup!!
How about Tupac, Foo Fighters, Nine Inch Nails and Stone Temple?
Um... He11 yeah! STP was my oldest bros fave, Foo Fighters... to die for... Shining is all about hanging with Dave Grohl, which I wouldn't mind; he'd totally dig me. (haha) NIN- I saw in concert in Toronto. Great show. Tupac- alright now! I like his earlier stuff more than later, but it's all good.
Can you say, Jared Leto? (30 Second From Mars). Remember, My so Called Life? So 90's... Loved him then... love him now. Sooo opposite from xh.... hmmmm....
Ok, funny story...I had a meetup with some girls from here. I walked in and they looked shocked. I asked what was wrong. They said, "We expected you to be, like 70." LOL! While I am much older than both of you....I wont be seeing 70 for awhile. In my head...I am 30.
Jared Leto is yummy.....did you see his award acceptance speech??? Melt.
And wait...you're NOT 30??? Lol. I'm not surprised they assumed otherwise, tho. The wisdom you have... I'll just look for an angel. .
I find myself reading each person's thread in different voices and accents....at least I HOPE the voices are from reading..... I should list on my thread what I imagine everyone sounding like, too.
Um... no. uR, I have no doubt you are hot stuff. How far from NYC are ya, Shining? I've got kid stuff that weekend, and well, I think you will be busy with s18. So.... lets make a girls weekend. uR... you are in Brooklyn? I am total opposite direction, but I ain't afraid of travelin! This side of the Mississippi seems like cake....
OK, I don't mind. It's all good. OK, so I am reaching out beyond my.... whatever. Plus I used to live in Alaska, so c'mon... its no big deal for me to go wherever.
I can't WAIT to hear your voice, uR!! I picture a "Real Housewives" accent, but I kind of thought Carmella Soprano for a while.... Lol.
I'm originally from MN. Came to TX in 2010. My accent is somewhere in between, and it depends on whether I'm talking to my mother....then I go all "Fargo". Most of the time, no one can guess where I'm from.
I will not rule you out that weekend!!! It's on MY bucket list!!! We can come to Jersey if your schedule is too tight. We are super laid back and open for adventure .
. I'm goal setting. Because goals are less destructive to set than fires. 
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