still holding on - 4

[Ahoy]

u-turn, you answered your own questions. Look back at Sandi's list. Don't ask the questions. The answers won't help at this point, and might make it worse (you might not want to hear her truth at this point, and it might make her feel pressured and draw away from you). She will tell you when she is ready to tell you, and your job is to be patient.

If she is asking you what's wrong, that means that you're not showing her your PMA (positive mental attitude). Remember to keep it light and friendly and GAL around her. Fake it 'til you make it! Don't let her see you down, as hard as that is. If you're feeling down, work on the yard, clean the house, organize a closet -- do ANYTHING to bring your focus to something else. And plaster a smile on your face in the meantime. Turn on some happy music. That will help.

[Bart42]

She is now friendly, somewhat affectionate, considerate, sending me random texts, letting me know where she is (even sending pictures as proof).

This could all be a better devised cover - I don't know. I would love to just trust everything, but how do I know?

It seems still like limbo, but at least a more pleasant limbo.

I use the word dubious often in my posts. I am still dubious - I don't know what she really wants or where she is in the whole big picture without asking. I haven't done too well reading her mind, her actions toward me indicate one thing, but the fact that she isn't wearing her ring or wanting anything more than a hug and kiss is a big indicator that she is not all in.

--I don't think she will put her ring back on until she's ready
--I don't think she will want to be sexual with me again while she's interested or (having sex with) someone else. (at least that's how it's been so far this year).

Uturn, I agree you cannot ask these questions. No matter how much you want answers, understand that you're unlikely to get a truthful response, and even if you did the answers aren't really going to change anything. Don't believe anything she says!

No doubt the limbo continues and as our sitchs are very similar my bet is the lack of any real affection is all the proof you need that she is not all in. If however she is turning a corner or starting to think about the R (rather than cake eating) you don't want to blow it by pursuing or being to eager- keep doing what you are doing and watch carefully.

[u-turn]

I hear that I cannot ask the questions. I get very impatient and want to make things move on weekends for some reason.

I've done well just playing along this weekend. I'm working a lot so limiting interaction helps. I hate the fact that I cannot trust that the friendliness she is showing is genuine.

I know to look at the big signs, but I have heard here to look for any little sign too. I just don't know what to trust.

The ball is in her court and she won't do anything with it. Or is this her move?

She goes in for a hug almost every time she runs into me now. It's nice, but not what I'm looking for (I wish that was enough for me)(I need the statement because I am not good at reading signs - proven). She actually came into my office twice today (more than she has done in the last several months). All this is just mind reading fodder for me.

I will make it today - Relax - step back - back to work.

[Ahoy]

u-turn, try not to focus too much on any "signs" right now. Likely she is cycling through many different emotions (just as you are). Just because she gives you what might seem to be a positive sign one day does not mean that she will do the same the next day -- and she might give a negative sign instead. This is going to be a LONG ride, so don't make yourself crazy focusing on her every little word or action (I know this is easier said than done). Focus on yourself and what you want (beyond her, of course). Pursue the other things that make you happy -- and discover new sources of happiness as well. Focusing on yourself will take the pressure off her and allow her to see you in the best possible light as someone strong and independent.

[u-turn]

Thanks Ahoy!

A bit of a backslide (though I tried to control it) - my nightmares and talking in my sleep are still problems sometimes and I had a bad night. We still sleep in the same bed and she is aware of this issue. She asked me if I wanted her to wake me up when it is happening, I said that it didn't matter.

I usually wake up in the morning a little out of control after a bad night (my dreams are sometimes very graphic - suicide, embarrassment, ridicule....). This morning I asked her if I can ask her something (wanting to get a status check) - she said sure. I was still coming too and realized that I didn't want to or couldn't ask her anything - so I basically "neverminded" it and said that I don't want to ask the same questions. She knows I want to talk but am holding back. I don't want her to think that she needs to help me with this - as I think this goes back to some of our original issues.

Good thing we are at work today - start of a busy week

I am trying to put out all of the fires at work that I started (due to my own lack of focus) and trying to make sure they don't catch any bridges on fire. STRESSED

[Ahoy]

It's good that you caught yourself and didn't ask for your wife's help after your rough night. Next time catch yourself before you even start! It gets easier with practice. Instead, find others who you can reach out to -- whether on this forum, or family or friends. Talking to friends and family on a daily basis is the only thing that keeps me sane. Turn to them for the things that you used to turn to your wife for (emotionally, not physically, of course!).

[u-turn]

Had a great conversation with my only confidant last night and it really helps to be able to talk about myself and the situation and justify my actions and decisions to myself. She doesn't offer any advice or judge me, she just listens, and validates (how about that!) I am calm today.

I told her in my inner monologue, I replace the word "doormat" with "devoted husband" and it changes my perspective and gives me strength (read something like that here before) (I wish I could find that gem and others again) I am giving it as much time as I can. She understood that and gave me credit for handling my emotions and really thinking this through.

It is helpful to have a person like that on my side. She wants to see us succeed but doesn't know if she could do the same as I am if she was in this situation. I feel like that is my strength. I hope to be able to keep it up.

[mindsin]

u-turn,

When does your W spend time with the OM? Does she spend overnight with him? Do you always know when they are spending time together?

[u-turn]

She works with him. They have spent nights together several months ago at work related conferences.

They have taken days off together - "to talk". I found the hotel receipt when snooping (stopped that)

Lately, the overnight stays have ended - she has been home every night for 6-8 weeks.

She still works with him - I do not know what happens at work. I know she still has feelings for him. I have a feeling they are still physical - but not absolutely certain. I have not asked lately about what happens behind closed doors at work. Sometimes she does show up hours late after work and still makes random excuses for that - I do not know what to trust right now.

Since I have vowed off snooping and asking, I do not have any hard evidence.

I think things may be winding down with them, but I am not certain. She is sending me information about different job opportunities she has (within the same company at a different location). She is acting like she is coming closer to me. This all could be a cover though.

[u-turn]

just journaling today
A little interaction this morning

W is going to a work conference today but has decided not to spend the night - in the past that was her opportunity time with OM. She is going with a female co-worker and coming home late.

Before she left, she wanted to take a picture of her and I on her new work phone (selfie type thing) (that seems like another positive to me, she hasn't done anything like that in a long time and it surprised me.)

maybe my poor attempt at DBing is working or maybe she has figured out what will keep me floating.

I still don't know what to think of all of this turn around lately, but it sure seems to be a lot of effort for her to just be nice. It could be a disguise or a true effort, I don't know. I am wondering if I will ever really know. If the A has fizzled out, will I ever really know?

Still haven't seen the big 3 that I would consider something true. (statement of A being over and ready to work on us, ring, intimacy). Right now she just seems to have skipped all of that and went straight to working on us - while I work on me. I am a little lost as to what I should be doing at this point.

I feel like, if everything proceeds this way, we would have just swept everything under the rug. We have done this with past issues, I want to do this right - no more mistakes.