Here's another interesting discovery... I'm not thrilled about the job I'm interviewing for Tuesday and when I asked my friend if I should cancel the interview, she gave me language I'm comfortable with to not let myself get pushed into something I don't want. It was that simple! Why couldn't I have done that for myself?
Maybell,
Do you believe in yourself? Do you know you're smart? Beautiful? Dynamic? A good mother? A good friend? When do you feel you are at your most confident?
When it comes to stuff like being assertive (such as developing language to help you not get pushed into something you don't want) it sometimes takes a specific mindset. A mindset that doesn't come naturally for me but I am relatively good at faking it until I make it. I DO, however, need to bounce this stuff off my BFF because she sees things I don't. That's what friends are for.
Being able to ask someone something you could have done for yourself doesn't mean anything other than you might be an external processor (this has nothing to do with being introverted or extroverted). You might need to bounce things off others just to get your thinking started and then you're good. I'm the SAME!
i'd love to hear you speak more positively about yourself. To accept yourself for exactly who you are and what you stand for today! I know that's not an easy thing to do but it's another part of faking it until you become it.
Also, consider a power pose before the interview. It works!!!
A million reasons why. Who cares? It's often so much easier to have clarity and perspective on others' situations. How many times has someone given me advice, and I've said to myself, 'Well, duh."
A million reasons why. Who cares? It's often so much easier to have clarity and perspective on others' situations. How many times has someone given me advice, and I've said to myself, 'Well, duh."
Right? Or "huh, that's an easy solution" when all I can come up with is complicated and messy. Outside perspective is EVERYTHING sometimes. Perhaps that is why detachment is so helpful. Viewing things from a distance may help us help ourselves as if we were viewing it from outside.
And that's just one of many reasons why this forum has been so important to me. This is the ONLY place (besides a DB coach) where I know that the feedback I'll get follows the same basic philosophy and principles that I am trying to follow.
I don't know why I am how I am. Sometimes I feel like there's a really important part of me that's missing, that I'm core-less and made up of reactions. The person you all praise so much is somebody I built on purpose so the reactions I get from others would match my preferred idea of myself. Is that me? I guess so, because I built that self on purpose with specific values in mind. But I don't KNOW it.
But I can't get all those pieces. I can get the compassion, I can get the clearly, closely watching others, and I do sincerely care that what I say is helpful. I can't get the parts where I feel like I'm as smart as I "ought" to be -- because "smart" is one of the stories other people tell about me that I feel can't be true or simple things would be simpler. Also I know of myself that I am smart in some ways and that I have a really hard time with other kinds of smart... So of course I devalue what I have. Which I guess is kind of human.
It is HARD to get rid of the idea of "ought." It's not serving me, so it's got to go. I just need to figure out what to replace it with.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I wish I could delete that. ^^^^^^^ it's overly dramatic and silly.
Do I believe in myself? I need to think less about "ought" and more about "am." There's nothing wrong with me being who I am. Humans were built to live in community for this very reason. Talk about overthinking....
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Have you read "Mindset"? Please do. It will knock that "I'm smart" vs. "I'm not smart/enough" wonkiness right outta your brain. At least, it did for me. And that's been one of the most powerful lessons I've learned in the last (almost) year.
Google the Janelle Monae clip from Sesame Street: "The Power of Yet". Growth mindset for the wee ones. Awesome.
I've started using that phrase (yet) with my D3. If she says, "I can't, Mama," I reply, "Maybe you can't YET." But you can get there if you try.
Oh, and another thing about "smart": ALL of our brains are stronger in some ways than in others. Even geniuses are stronger in some ways than others. (And btw, most people we would consider "geniuses" are not very 'people-smart'.
What does "smart" mean to you, anyway? What are the areas in which your brain has strengths? What strengths can you use to accommodate or strengthen the areas of weakness?
As a teacher, I am completely fascinated by brain science, if you couldn't tell!
Remember those Stuart Smalley "daily affirmations" from SNL? As hokey as it sounds, I think it might help you (us) develop your sense of self and self-worth. Can you name three things you feel proud of doing each night before you go to bed? Like, specific to that day.
(And btw, Maybell, in case you didn't realize, much of what I write to you are things that I am also telling myself!!!)
Claire, I laughed so hard when you mentioned Stuart Smalley because I say "daily affirmations" into the mirror as often as I can remember and I always complete them by saying "and doggonit, people like me!"
It makes me chuckle when I say it but affirmations really are evidence that thoughts are things. If you believe it, you will create it. It has definitely worked for me.
I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog gone it, people like me.
Yes, I looked pretty nice today. I threw together a nice brunch and was a thoughtful hostess to the families that joined me today. I explained some obscure historical facts about the various Christian denominations to my friend -- geek ing out on history makes me happy.
I will follow your good advice and make a practice of doing affirmations daily. Thanks!!
Last edited by Maybell; 09/15/1401:09 AM.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
