1 step forward, 1000 steps back - part 6

[Wonka]

Perhaps got lost during one of those "purges"?? No matter, Starsky. You got lucky this time.

[Starsky309]

WHAT WAS THE BET???

[Train]

Lolol!! I remember it! You were betting ON Wonka, Starsky, and that her prediction about mr. mdu was true!

[Wonka]

MDU,

You also might want to book a session at Retrouville in addition to MC. I've heard people swear by it around here.

There's a book that looks promising that you might want to check out and I think it applies to your sitch pretty well.

Kiss Your Fights Good-bye
'Dr. Love's 10 Simple Steps to Cooling Conflict and Rekindling Your Relationship' by Dr. Jamie Turndorf

[mdu]

Well, it sure is a jagged road to reconciliation. Had a bit of a set back tonight and could use some advice.

Not surprisingly, OW being in H's office continues to concern me. H has assured me that although the office is very small the layout is such that even when OW is in the office he can easily go the whole day without seeing her --- and generally that's how it's been working out. Tonight, H and I agreed to meet at his office so I could see this layout for myself and hopefully be further reassured. So H shows me her cube and a few of her things are there --- jacket, some pictures --- just typical stuff. And it really hits me that this is REAL. I mean this woman is real and H really got involved with her. I know it sounds crazy but it is the most reality I've been hit with regarding his A in quite a while.

So then we end up talking some about things and nagging in the back of my mind are the few personal effects of hers I saw and I'm creating this image of her based on those things. And I'm imagining H really wanting the type of person she is rather than me. As you can imagine, this did NOT have a positive effect on my conversation with H. Although I didn't 'go off' on him, I did have a tone and an overall attitude of blame that I'm sure was less than helpful. We parted ways with a decent amount of tension hanging between us.

I know this is not good and I need to get a grip. But my bigger question is, what do I do about OW in the office going forward? My preference all along has been to know as little about OW as possible. I really do not want the mental imagine. Is that the right approach? Or should I waltz in the office some day and meet H for lunch, i.e., look her in the eye and make my presence clear? Do people have opinions about whether it's overall helpful or harmful to actually SEE the OW/OM? Or is it ok to just avoid them like the plague? Even though H works in the office with OW I could easily avoid seeing her. It's not like I go there often and she's not there every day so if I wanted to meet him for lunch or something we could just plan it on a day she's not there. The annual x-mas party could be a challenge but H already said we could just not go (although he usually plans it so not sure how he'd get away with that but he insists he won't go if that's what I want).

Thoughts?

[Train]

Oh, honey.

I'd love to be able to advise you to waltz your pretty, confident as$ up in there and wink at her as you and H are heading out the door for lunch. I'd love NOTHING MORE than that visual!!!

But (sigh) that'd be pushing my eff-you personality on you instead of taking into account what *you* can handle. I don't know what you can handle. Only you do.

I cannot IMAGINE how hard it was for you to see and process that workplace.

Sometimes, we NEED to see certain things, or ask certain questions, to help us. And then when we actually see those things, or hear the answers, we sorta wish we hadn't seen or heard them.

Welcome to Pre-piecing101. Unfortunately, it's full of its own heartaches and confusion and doubts ... and all those other emotions we naively assumed would go away once we had our Hs back (or we actually didn't think about AT ALL because we had a one-track mind while trying to deal with the A and trying to re-attract our Hs).

It's time for you to dig deep, mdu, to find out what you need to know ... and how much you HAVE to have to move forward.

Sometimes, you may think you need something that later you realize is too painful. Or maybe you will think you DON'T need something that later you think you do.

It's all personal. No one can tell you at this stage what you need to move forward. It's trial and error.

All I can say, sweetie, is that my hat is off to you BIG TIME for walking through H's work, eyeballing her set-up, and not losing your sh!t. You've come a long, long way, baby.

Pat yourself on the back for that.

I don't wanna sound patronizing, but I'm really, really proud of you.

[Train]

PS Please Google "Dear Peggy" and read through her story and the articles written by her and her husband. Any emotion you've felt is addressed there. Wonka suggested the site to me months ago, and I just read through it again. It is more valuable to me now than it was when H and I were S.

There's an article or two on comparing yourself to the OW. I read them yesterday and today. I think they would resonate with you and be super-beneficial for you to read tonight, mdu.

Hugs to you.

[Barrybran]

Kudos for keeping yourself together, mdu. I'm sure your husband noticed both your anxiety about it and that you didn't go off on him. For the short term, do you have to go to his work at all? You've dipped your toes into H's work pool so I see no harm in avoiding the place until you have the courage to try again and having him meet you elsewhere until you're ready.

[mdu]

Thanks Train & Barrybran!

I just read those articles you recommended, Train. And they made me think 'no, I shouldn't bother forcing myself to see the OW'. I mean, what will that really accomplish? I am definitely giving her way more headspace than she deserves and will likely distract from the real, underlying issues in our M.

I have been feeling like not wanting to see her says something negative about me, like that I'm too chicken to face up to her. When actually I think it means that I'm playing this smart. It really would contribute nothing to saving my M by seeing her and having a concrete visual. And that gives her too much power. I don't want to get caught up in that and distracted from our real goals.

Having said all that, I am still open to hearing other points of view if anything thinks there's real value in going to the office and seeing OW in person.

[mdu]

Journaling...

Just reflecting on how blaming adversely affects my feelings towards H and inevitably creates distance between us. Its so hard NOT to blame and be angry...he had a frackin AFFAIR for crying out out!...but when I take a more balanced, compassionate view I can feel *myself* warming towards him and that draws him in. I could see in his eyes last night that he was withdrawing again. Even though I did not 'lose it' outwardly he knows me well enough to know what's running through my mind. It's so hard NOT to want to lash out at him, I feel so justified and all my friends and family feed that feeling. I need to keep reminding myself that this mentality hurts our larger goal of saving our M. I do want to be compassionate and understanding. I need to hear more about his hurt and unhappiness that led to the A.