for sure next time I am going to look for someone who understands this and is willing to stick around and work on issues when things are tough.
It would be great if we all knew what we would face in the future and had the same definition of tough, wouldn't it? Some people in abusive R or in R with active addictions think they're just sticking it out through the bad patches when in fact, they should be getting the he!! out.
We think we've faced the toughest thing but there may in fact be things far tougher. All we can do is accept that life is full of toughchallenges and be prepared to meet them to the best of our abilities. Let go of blame and shame and work on us. We can come out the winners in this.
And sometimes, a M is not to be saved.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Yes. I thought by finding someone whose parents were still together (mine were until my Dad's death) then this person would work through anything. As I used to say, divorce was not an option. That is until I truly realized it takes 2 to make it work and 1 to decide it didn't. I wasn't expecting that life lesson:-)Some people do work through everything and some don't. I agree with Labug. We never know what he future holds so it's best to realize we don't control it. Deal with things as they come.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
I'd love for 25years or another vet to weigh in on my slight developments.
I have found my inertia, I have a pretty good PMA most days, I am feeling good, job hunting, practicing yoga, really enjoying time with my D and time with H (though I'm trying to limit those a bit because I don't want to inundate him).
There is so much out of my control but I feel like I'm on the right path here.
I'm giving H plenty of time and space to work through his anger. He's not even thinking about the marriage at this point, he's trying to heal himself. I get that. I've created a lot of damage in my wake.
We get along quite well. We haven't exchanged a cross word in quite a while. We hang out well in public and in private. We are GREAT coparents.
Still, I'd like to know if there's more I can do on myself and in my situation.
I am not a vet, but I've asked a similar question...and the answer was always, "this is a marathon, not a sprint". For whatever that's worth. where is that fast forward button on life again? Oh yeah...
I'm not really in a rush, I just want to know if there's anything I'm perhaps missing that I could work on more and grow more. Not really about getting H back so much but more of a thorough self-analyzation. Does that makes sense?
Totally. I'm using this "gift" of time to get myself to be the best person I can be so that this doesn't happen again!!! Whether i get back with my H or not, issues will come up in my next R. It's what I've learned and how I've changed that will make the difference.
Are you in IC? That's the place I would start to figure out what work you can do on you...
Obviously I'm not a Vet either, but here goes..... What strikes me about your situation is that you've only been physically separated for a little over a month, but it seems like you have a lot of positives going for you. The fact that your family had such a nice day together this weekend seems like a big plus to me. I would say you shouldn't mess with what seems to be working right now.
If you can scrape the funds together maybe a DB coach could give you some insight on "next steps". My situation is different of course, but my coach was briefly mentioned the possibility of "family time" as being helpful at some point, and that might be appropriate in the future for you as well. It's painful for my budget right now, but I find it soothing to actually have an "action" plan.
Hi Ss, I am with Claire that you just have to keep plugging along on making yourself a better person and taking care of yourself. But maybe a vet has some deeper words of wisdom for you.
I do have a coach and she's awesome. I was trying to space out my sessions to get insight when I'm super stumped but there's no harm in a check in session, right?
I FEEL so different, like I could never be the women he dropped the bomb on 2.5 months ago. BUUUUT, we all know that's not true. It just doesn't work that way, right?
I haven't felt like this in years. Seriously. I am much more positive, light hearted, kind for no reason and fun loving. When you make changes for the better, you just want to share them with people you love so I'm feeling antsy but I realize it's a good problem to have and I'm sitting back and trying to chill.
This separation has REALLY cleared a fog out of my head and my heart. I see how reactive I always was and how reactive he always was. Knowing that can bring about change but when faced with what feels like an attack, I can only HOPE that I'd do what I'm learning to do which is to take the time to step away, analyze what I need to say in a kind way and work towards a solution to the problem at hand.
We never SOLVED our freaking problems. It was like they were unsolvable so we stopped trying completely. We'd apologize but it was more of an apology for our behavior during the fight, not anything else. THIS WILL CHANGE but since we're not fighting (YAY!), it's hard to practice that.
So I'm guessing (if I were a vet, what would I tell myself?) that right now is a time to breathe in the good that is happening. I don't want to be all up in his face with family time but I did invite him to a "friendly outing" in October where D has an event/party thing that goes until midnight. I'd hate to waste that and sit at home alone on the couch.
He accepted the invitation but reluctantly. I think he thought I was asking him on a date, with expectations of romantic expressions. I reassured him (even though it hurt that he physically recoiled) that it was just a fun night out. I know he's not ready for anything else right now and frankly, I'm not sure I am either.
Positivity. I'm basking in it.
BTW, H was over briefly this evening and he told me I smell great. That's a big deal because he is clearly trying hard not to compliment me, I think more as a self preservation thing. I'm not taking it personally but it's good to know he likes my new perfume.
