Fear? Here's one for you: I'm afraid of doing the work, not only because it's hard. It's also because I'm afraid of outgrowing him. I'm afraid I won't want him. I don't like that thought. I don't like that because I know it will happen. I'm still hanging by a thread. I just can't seem to let go yet. I'm closer, new layers are dying everyday.
Hey there Shining, that ^^^^ is where I was a year ago. It is a sukky place to be. Last summer, after stbxw BD #3 in April, lots of people held up new mirrors for me. UR, Raine, Mach1, AJ, job, etc, all showed me something about me that I didn't know, or want to admit. Showed me a different possibility of life, a different view of me that I was reluctant to accept, because it meant that yes, I have outgrown her.
That terrified and saddened me sometimes because I knew what that ultimately meant. But at that BD time she was only 4 months from stopping the cheating, and if it takes 6-18 months for the wayward spouse to get over the OP, then I promised myself I would give it another year, for my sake, the kids sakes, and hers. And kml's point up there ^^^ about the kids waiting for the other shoe to drop? I am learning from my kids that that IS how they felt these past 3 years.
So when she decided she wanted a D this past June, you would think I would have been calm, serene...since I have outgrown her, right? Nope. I was still angry, even though I had let go so much, I thought I was all Mr. Detachment, but I kinda deceived myself, lol... So why was I angry, and feeling rejected again? Finally I found the culprit....my ego....I am NOT used to failing at anything I put my heart, soul and effort into. A new layer exposed to be worked through. You will keep exposing your layers as you do the work, and new ones will pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it.
We know we have to do the work, otherwise what a waste of time and pain this MLC/LBS journey would be, IMO. And you will outgrow H. Thing is? If he wants back in, YOU get to decide if you want to be the mentor for him to catch up with you, or not. Because you WILL be light years ahead of him in R skills. You already are... you already are what you fear...
So, knowing that, how's that fear look now?
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I am so sorry you are having a tough day. It's ok to, you know. This is all very sad. So, have a good cry. One day, when you can, those feelings will wash over you.
It's also ok to treasure your memories, S. They are part of your life story. They happened. They were real.
They do remember, Shining. They just cant feel that right now.
There is no way of knowing if he will do what he needs to do. I dont know why some do and some dont.
But there is always hope.
You are going to have ups and downs. This doesnt go in a straight line. It all happens as it should. You just have to believe that.
I am NOT used to failing at anything I put my heart, soul and effort into. A new layer exposed to be worked through. You will keep exposing your layers as you do the work, and new ones will pop up out of nowhere when you least expect it.
To add to this thought ^^^^
I think I sometimes believe I deserve something to work out because I want it so bad. I mean...I'm not a bad person, I'm a good person and I love this person, so, in theory, in a just world, I deserve the happy ending that I imagine for myself the girls.
The reality is...who knows what my happy ending is supposed to look like. Maybe, the marriage ending, for ME, IS the happy ending.
I need to truly, completely let go of the end result here and trust things are happening as they should.
The ending to this story is still unwritten. No one knows what's down the road. Miracles happen all the time. But, I need to keep a hand's off approach and allow things to turn out as they are meant to...not how I want them to.
Feel the pain Shining, for today, it gets so much easier. This process is so much like childbirth. The pain is excruciating, but, you reach this point where you begin to see the point of it all. And, somehow, you acknowledge the pain, but the joy is all the more satisfying because of it. Lots of hugs.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
We know we have to do the work, otherwise what a waste of time and pain this MLC/LBS journey would be, IMO. And you will outgrow H. Thing is? If he wants back in, YOU get to decide if you want to be the mentor for him to catch up with you, or not. Because you WILL be light years ahead of him in R skills. You already are... you already are what you fear... So, knowing that, how's that fear look now?
T, ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
IT LOOKS LIKE A GREAT BIG TRUTH JAVELIN.
Thank you. Wow. And cr@p.
I'm having the toughest time letting him go. I know I will, and I know I have to. I'm just soooooooo resisting the acceptance of this being what has become of my life. Cue the kicking and screaming.
Ummmm… I thought it was Divorce Busing, Save Your Marriage site… Sometimes I wonder why some people get one advice and others get complete opposite…
I think this is a really interesting question. But, I'm beginning to get it.
Heather, you've been at this for how long? Do you think it just took time for you to realize that you don’t want to be married to this guy, regardless of somebody pushing you to do this? And even then, you say that “I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...” So, you are not discounting this possibility 100%. So, what gives? If he would want to come back, would you find some excuses why this time it would be better and he is not damage and worthless after all? Just asking… Just trying to understand why I have so much resistance when I get an advice “just divorce him already and everything will get in place”, and why some people welcome this kind of advice and say that they need to be “pushed”.
Shining , sorry for high jacking your thread. I totally understand your resistance to let him go completely. I have the same feelings.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Yea, that acceptance thingy....is tough chit to get.
Letting him go? The hardest part. But I looked at it as loving him so much and seeing that the only shot he had of making it through this, was me allowing him to.
I wanted so much for him to be whole. I wanted him to find his way. Letting go doesnt mean giving up. Unless you want it to.
It just means that you are hearing him and honoring your marriage and your vows. Sounds crazy, I know. But its true.
Accepting that you this is how it is right now, and knowing in your heart you will not always feel as you do today, is the goal, S.
The way to let go is this. You just start to work on you. You decide who you want to be. Each day you try to be her. Some days you will make it, some you wont, but that should always be the goal.
You allow yourself to feel what you do. Then you allow it to wash over you.
You start to really believe that whatever is supposed to happen, will.
You put your marriage safely away and you decide that you are going to grow.
You understand that this is his journey and your part in it is to get out of the way.
Its a process, S. But you can do it.
Love him enough to let him do this. Love yourself enough to take a leap of faith.
Yup Shining...I get how you feel right now, I am a stubborn one, a M1A1 tank, I resisted HARD...ask UR...
My head knew the truth, but my heart had a very difficult time catching up. Plus I turned into (or returned to...part of the work) this annoying optimist...
Once you accept, the javelin will fall out of your heart, and doing the work will begin and aid the healing of your heart.
There is something wonderful beginning, Shining, I have watched many people here survive, grow, blossom and thrive these past 3 years. It is amazing, and there is pain involved... you stand to learn what you are made of... you let go to (re)discover your true self and potential.
Maybe he will figure himself out, and maybe want back in, maybe he won't. Maybe you will want him back, maybe you won't... We don't know the future, but what YOU do NOW, doing the work on and FOR YOU, will influence that future, maybe even direct it some.
Whether or not you reconcile, YOU are far too important to not do the work. It is worth it.
Maybe lookup the Stockdale Paradox:
Quote:
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[11]
I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."
When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:
Oh, that's easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[12]
Stockdale then added:
This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."
I know you are going to make it... which ever way your sitch resolves.
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I know I'll get there... And by "know" I mean "I hate every fn thing about this and I wish I could wave a wand but since I can't I'll just pout until I realize that doesn't work". Thank you, uR. I am one of those who needs the repetition over and over and I appreciate it so much. Please keep it coming as often as you can. I sincerely mean that. Every post helps. You are awesome.
D13 is working a concession stand for a school fundraiser tonight. She said it would be good for me to work it with her and get out, be distracted... She's a smart girl. How could I turn her down? I'm going. Hoping not to hyperventilate around too many people...lol. When did I get agoraphobia?
I've been NC all day. H just sent a word game invite.... In his moving day. It's become a strange thing... It's not as "intimate" as texting (did I really just say that). But it's like an encryption of "hey, are you there?" when he sends the invite. Mind reading ....I know. The timing is noticeably after a dark or dim period. Idk. Whatevs, right?
This pursuit and distance dance? We are Fred and Ginger.
T, oh, I am pretty sure I'm the Mayor of Stubbornville. I read your threads again today. I had read them when I first came here, early on, but I'm finding as I go back and read again, many things mean more now than I could relate to back then.
The distinction between letting go and still loving him is a faint understanding... I think in starting to really really get it. Not enough to do it... Almost. The house sadness is pushing me that way. Knowing I need to be better for my kids is what will get me there.
