I'm in a similar stitch but I know the more i've pulled back the more my W has stepped forward. With that being said, last night W again said she can't do this to S. i listened, validated but told her as long as she continues contact with OM their can not be a R but we are moving forward. W is in control of the direction based our her decisions which I can not control. If she wants to be with me their can not be any contact with OM. But continued contact is a deal breaker for me. That is not control, that is me doing what is best for son and me. As I said to my W you can do what you want and I want you to be happy, however I'm not willing to be in an open M. The choice is theirs, we are not controlling. We are only responding or acting based on their continued behavior. Don't believe a word of it.
And THAT, folks, is the difference between "controlling/ultimatums" and "strong loving boundaries." It's the difference between making it about THEM, and making it about YOU. It's "you can do whatever you want, but only outside of my circle. If you want to be in MY circle, this is what I allow inside of it. You decide."
Because much of DBing is counter-intuitive, and because taking such a strong stand goes against your "pleaser" nature, Tar. It did for me too (I come from a long line of co-dependent pleaser/rescuers!)
Ya done good . . . proud of you! Now LET IT LIE, and see how your wife responds.
I believe you made the mistake of agreeing to MC while at the same time "insisting" on a NC letter and a host of other requirements.
On the one hand you are trying to come across as "strong" by insisting on NC and you won't share, while on the other hand, agreeing to MC.
Those two things would need to go hand in hand to really show her that you mean business. It would have been far better to tell her no counseling, no nothing UNTIL you have written the NC letter and such....
Then AFTER that is complete, you go to counseling.... Agreeing to and attending counseling is the same thing as saying you WILL share her.
This is what this whole thing is sounding like to me. Imagine how it sounds to her. No wonder you are confused.
" WS, I insist on NC or it's over between us, however, let's go to counseling to see if we can save this marriage while I wait to see if I can force you to write the NC letter and a host of other demands so that I can feel secure. Please don't call this controlling because I know I can't force you to do anything. Do you want to go to that wedding I mentioned a month or so back? What about a date on Saturday, do you want to go to dinner?
Oh, and one other thing, did you write that NC letter today that you promised? What about all of your passwords? Did you throw away all letters from OM and gifts yet? Please don't take this as pressure or me being controlling. If you don't write that NC letter today, then how about tomorrow, or should I wait until the next MC session?"
Yesterday came and went and still no no-contact email/letter from W. I know she had a 'busy' day yesterday and has the kids this weekend, but really? It would take like 5 mins to draft the letter and about 5 secs to unfriend him on social media sites. Frustrating...especially since she claims she has no problem writing it and agreed to it.
I wouldn't go that far. I think it is important to keep MC appointments.
What we all have suggested is to state your no-OM boundary and reinforce your stance that you will not live in an open marriage. What this entails are the following action steps:
1) W will need to end all contact with OM immediately 2) W will need to write NC letter and send to OM after you've read the letter and approved it 3) W will give you access to smartphones, laptops, computers at your request ...including her passwords 4) Restate this to W in front of MC so the MC can be supportive of this process 5) No "happy family" activities while W is still involved with OM
If W balks at or refuses to do ^^ all of these action steps, then I would step away from MC with her and continue with IC for your own benefit
This information isn't new at all...we all have said this in previous posts to you.
Understood, and I've communicated all of this to W, who has agreed yet not taken action.
I should have brought it up in our first MC session this week, but didn't want W to think that was my primary focus. Our problems pre S should be our primary focus. So our next joint MC session is in 2 weeks.
Family time has continued and MC seemed to be in favor saying we couldn't only rely on MC for us to R. However I'm going to scale that back and not initiate any further dates/family time until we have a chance to discuss this topic in MC.
I think having two weeks of down-time with little to no contact initiated by you sets you up perfectly for your next MC session, at which point you will look like a million dollars and smell incredible. And (if W has not by then, on her own accord, removed OM from social media and drafted a NC letter) you will sit up straight with a spine of steel and deliver your non-negotiables - with conviction - in front of MC. And MEAN them.
I'd usually advocate not repeating those non-negotiables at all. But I'm going to agree with Wonka about you delivering them in front of MC.
No fear. No BSing. No empty threats.
Don't coddle your W any further. She has no more excuses. And don't let her pull you around by the nose anymore, Tar. You're better than that. And she IS losing respect for you the more you set boundaries and then let her plow over them.
Step 1 is NC with OM. Your M cannot begin to be healed without W completing that very "simple" first step. MC - and working on pre-A problems - is absolutely pointless if she cannot or does not complete this task.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Controlling Schromolling. Every WAS says that dumb crap.