PERSEVERANCE is Stubbornness.... with a Purpose.

[Shining]

I've been reading up on some old, old threads....wow, some of you have been here a long time, and have been through a LOT. Now helping others. I'm hoping to pay it back (or forward...however that works) after I'm whole again. It's fun to read the histories of everyone, and gain some perspective on your personal experience. It makes sense that you post what you post. .

I'm going to take a moment and think of some positives.

When I first came onto the board, I was lost. I thought we were taking a break. Nope. H had ow. I thought he would be mean to me forever, and run away with her....

Not even close.

The good things that have happened since April:
I'm learning how to be a better person, and partner. The skills of listening, STFU, validating, differentiation, dealing with co-dependence, keeping boundaries, having empathy, compassion, GAL so I have some self esteem in my pocket, and patience. The biggest? FORGIVENESS. Always forgiveness. It was my dad's biggest lesson he taught me. I never forgot. I apply it often, and I believe it is the key to freedom. Forgiveness doesn't mean doormat.

Other good things:
I have learned how to not feed the spewing, and the DB techniques have worked 100% of the time. His anger drops. It goes to someone else. Our exchanges are almost all pleasant now. If he does throw something....I do not react. It's awesome.
I have realized, although he's confused and needs to go on this journey:
H is still very attracted to me.
H has opened up about some things from is childhood
H is working on his R with his kids. <<<< huge,
Oh...H dumped ow. I knew he would.
We are a long way from the end....but I'm reflecting on how far I've come.

Letting the destruction continue. So we can build new. Together, or apart. I'll be ok. I got this.

[Ss06]

You so do, Shining, you so do.

[LoisB]

Shining, my sweets, you WILL be JUST fine...with or without this man. Mine is riding off into the sunset with a his drug-addled skank and seems to be perfectly content with his new life. And, guess what??? I'm ok. In fact, I'm better than OK. I'm pretty damn awesome. He has no idea what he's missed or what he is missing out on...

So, here's the deal. I was pretty stuck until I did some deep trenchwork on my own insides. I needed to dredge up a lot of shid to open myself up to the possibilities of a life without Smokey. He was a part of my life since I was 12. I need to do a groundup restoration of myself...foundations and all.

I suggest you do the same. It's painful and it means letting him GO...but, in the end, you discover yourself and realize you will ALWAYS have YOU and God and that's not gonna change no matter what life throws at you.

Ummmm… I thought it was Divorce Busing, Save Your Marriage site… Sometimes I wonder why some people get one advice and others get complete opposite…

I think this is a really interesting question. But, I'm beginning to get it. In my case, for instance, I was married to a load. Pretty much...a really damaged guy who was fairly content being damaged. It was safe. Time and again, (haphazardly throughout our life together) he tried to push himself outta his comfort zone for me and the kids...but, it never lasted...he always went back to what was safe and comfortable.

In my case, it's obvious that I was married to someone who really had no intention of moving out of this tunnel. He needs the tunnel for whatever reason. And, I have been holding myself back in my own life by dwelling on this loss of him. In my case, I needed to be pushed and prodded to move forward with my life.

Yes, I will always love him. I'm not sure I would ever be able to be married to him again...I think I'm towers above what he can offer now...but, I'm cool with that. I'm heading to the life that God intended for me. I really feel that. I feel that this is where God wants me...I've put myself on hold for toooooooo long...like 18 years too long.

Sometimes in life we are faced with a crossroads. We have to decide if we are content to continue on the path we know or...try something new. Very Robert Frost.

In recent months, God has put this into my heart..."Smokey is irrelevant Heather. This journey has always been about YOU. You were stuck. You needed a crowbar to push/pull/hammer yourself outta the position where you were wedged.

Love him from afar. Pray he figures it out. But, push yourself to look at why he is attractive in the first place. Push yourself to look at why you still want the person who caused all this pain to make it better, to heal the wound...he is the wounder...look to yourself to heal that wound. You will never, ever let you down once you get the hang of it.

I think this is what K was trying to say and I agree with her.

Look up Susan Anderson's Abandonment books. Codapendent NO MORE by Beattie...Look to strong, empowered women who have risen above similar situations and come out ok.

You can do this!!!

[uRworthy]

Shining, I like your list.

This journey you are on was meant to be. I believe that with everything I have.

Could your marriage be saved? Yes, I believe in the possibility. Will you want to save it when you have done the work? Maybe, maybe not.

What I believe is that you need to make that decision from a place of strength.

That decision doesnt have to be made today.

If you decide you can no longer do this, I will support you completely.

For me, it mattered that I stood. It mattered that I was able to look back at this time and see that I acted with dignity and honor. It mattered to my son.

I am not at all saying you should allow yourself to be treated poorly. That is what boundaries are for.

My xh spewed once. I got on my tiptoes and told him that is was not ok. Ever. That was my boundary. You have to decide yours.

There is no right or wrong way to do this. Only your way.

But I can see who you are, S. I can see you need to try your hardest and that it matters to you that you do.

Get yourself a roadmap. Figure out how you want to act and who you want to see when you look back.

Whenever you are unsure of what to do, pull out the map.

You have done wonderfully. I meant that sincerely.

Stay the course for as long as you can. This should not ever be done at the expense of you. You are too important.

Find you, S.

[Shining]

I just opened my iPad one minute after your post, uR.

I was looking for some direction today. The timing of things can seem like an answer to a prayer.

I have a lot of driving to do throughout the day today for kids. Trying desperately to keep busy in between trips, an be occupied while H is emptying out our house. I'm sad.

Thank you.

[LoisB]

I'm feeling sad too. Letting go of a house is hard. Lots of dreams and lots of memories. I'm trying to put them, lovingly, in a memory box...somewhere safe.

When I sold my wedding rings, I said a prayer and asked God to bless them. It helped. I asked that God find someone who would really enjoy the rings and would honor the covenant they represent. I think I'm going to do the same with the house. Prayer that someone finds our house and loves it like we have.

[Shining]

Heather, your post this morning was awesome. Thank you for the good advice, and for sharing your experience. We have a lot in common. I, too need a crowbar....great analogy.

There are times I read things on my thread and I feel uncomfortable, defensive...idk how to explain...but there is a ping in my gut when I read things I don't like. That's where I'm starting to pay most attention.

I'm asking:
Why is (whatever I read) uncomfortable for me right now?
What is it that bothered me about (this question)?

I'm trying to stop myself, and when I get that feeling, name it. Sadness. Anger. Fear.

Then I'm going back to try and get reason why ....but as uR wrote something about this, I don't know if the "why" matters as much as the "how" to push through those feelings, feel them, and let them go.

I can't stay there long. I run from it after a bit when it becomes too much. But I'm starting to stay there longer and understand what's going on. I don't always like what I see when I pay attention to myself.

It's so dam hard. I know what I need to do. But I'm really mad that I have to. I'll be glad I did this later, from what everyone says. But it feels like I'm so far from that now.

uR, I know you see me. I do need to do try hard (I have a story about that later), and I need to stand longer. For me. As hard and as punishing as it is sometimes. I need to.

Fear? Here's one for you:
I'm afraid of doing the work, not only because it's hard. It's also because I'm afraid of outgrowing him. I'm afraid I won't want him. I don't like that thought. I don't like that because I know it will happen. I'm still hanging by a thread. I just can't seem to let go yet. I'm closer, new layers are dying everyday.


I'll be ok.

[uRworthy]

S, dont get me wrong, understanding why is important because you dont want to keep doing the same things over and over.

What I was doing was getting so hung up on understanding why that I didnt do what I needed to do in pushing feeling them and then letting them go.

Those pings you feel when you read something here, yep, pay close attention to that. You will read the vets writing, if it stings, it matters.

It does succk that we have to go through this. Succks that we have to have our lives turned upside down when we didnt ask for it.

I know you dont see this now. Those that are new to this dont. But there will be a day when you look back and say to yourself, I wish I didnt have to learn all of that in the way that I did, but I am grateful for it.

Through all the destruction this caused in my life, and the ramifications I still feel, I see that. I believe that.

I so understand what you mean when you write that you are afraid of growing past him.

I am always honest and it could very well happen. Thats the truth.

But, I have seen marriages restored that are better than they were before. They were glad they weathered the toughest of storms and came out the other side stronger.

The thing that I want you to really believe, my friend, is that no matter what, you will be ok.

There are no guarantees in life. We all just do the best we can. Hopefully, we find happiness in knowing that we did.

[Shining]

Ugh! .... Thank you for clarifying the why comment, uR After I hit submit, I realized I wasn't clear and it didn't quite translate well!

I'm having a very weepy day. Trying to keep as positive as possible. I need to tell myself I'm getting there, and remember the good, especially today. I'm not believing myself yet.

[Shining]

As I'm driving around, seeing all these places I used to go to with H, it's nearly impossible to keep him out of my thoughts. I wonder if he will ever remember these places, and think of the good times. I wonder if he will want to do whatever it takes to become whole. Or if he'll keep running, keep avoiding, and try to forget everything we were.