I felt that H's relationships with his kids and ex were big red flags - sure, he had explanations for them, but they may look a little different in the light of current events.
And your SD knows about the multiples, it may not be long before your kids do too.
Understanding about his depression and trying to wait it out is one thing, but make sure you have some healthy boundaries - your past history suggests you may have issues in that department, and "standing" is not always the best option for people whose histories suggests codependent behaviors. Plus, you CAN stand OUTSIDE a marriage.
If it's financially better for you to remain legally married, I respect that - but make sure you aren';t just leaving yourself open to liability for unpaid debts or taxes that H may accumulate in his illness.
Kml, I agree about the red flags with his kids. Time will tell whether he resolves those issues. My kids don't interact with SD, then or now. But yes, they very likely will find out more than I wish. I'll have to make that call if/when the time comes how best to proceed.
The boundary thing has been a challenge for me, for sure. I definitely have codependent behaviors that will make things more difficult, as I'm already learning. I appreciate the insight, as it gives me more to consider.
I would not be completely surprised if, after the new apartment, ow, nothing "makes" h happy, he may move forward and file because he still can't figure it out. Trying to prepare for that possibility. It's not my preference, but I do know it wouldn't be the end of the world.
We have no debt. I'm monitoring the retirements and credit report. So far, he's still paying all bills, and there has been no crazy spending (only crazy style choices, lol) ... But I'm watching, and prepared to act on a D if I need to.
Shining, while there are similarities in a MLC, it is also personal to the people in it. We all bring different circumstances, history and personalities into the mix.
So, you decide what is best for you.
I will say this. I wanted to be able to tell my son that I did everything I could to save my marriage if he asked...and he did ask.
I explained that I made a vow that I wanted to honor because I believed in it. I told him that committment and family matter. I said that was my decision at this time and I could not speak for his father.
I will tell you that it mattered to him that I stood. I do wish I handled the financial aspect differently or rather more quickly. I owed half of a huge debt I knew nothing about. In order to have curtailed that, I would have had to file sooner.
But that is knowing now what I didnt know then.
KML is right in that many come back when they see that we have really and truly moved on. But, that can also mean that they come back before doing the work.
Db usually suggests not exposing the affair as that gives it importance.
I believe they are in crisis. That doesnt give them a free pass on their actions. They will have to face those one day.
I am glad that you are keeping a close eye on the finances. Please be diligent there.
As far as your kids, it is important that they see that you are moving forward, becoming strong, and living your life.
I believe that you will know what to tell them when the time comes.
You have to be absolutely ready to file for divorce and I can see you arent.
So, leave him to his ridiculousness.
You will know when you need to do something different.
For right now, keep looking inward, keep figuring out you. That's what's most important.
Hey Shining! I am getting a little caught up with you... That week or few days off I got behind, then I was so caught up in my own drama....
First, I am so sorry to hear about the match posting. That is heartbreaking. To think that he has to look for someone who he thinks will rock his world, or whatever, when he has YOU! Probably the best thing to happen to him, and he can't even see it. Man, they get so caught up in fantasy, that reality is totally gone. I am sorry, that's tough.
Here is something I have learned (for me) and I want to share with you. Take lots and lots and lots of time before you say anything. You will find that it helps for many reasons. For one, it will help with processing without reacting. Then you will be able to work things better. Plus with that, when he is expecting a reaction and don't give him one (works well with lots of practice) he will really take notice.
Giving it time also helps you think things through. Sometimes we can process it and throw it away without even bothering to react (where he would know or to him). We may realize that it wasn't even worth reacting to or bringing up.
And, when you give it time, the things worth addressing will be evident. You will have time to really mull it over. When the right time comes, it will then be addressed, in a way you really know what you are talking about. You have time to think about it, process it, and address it.
As you know, I have been holding things in for awhile. And believe me I have given it A LOT of thought. I think xh was VERY surprised he didn't hear from me. I didn't reach out at all. And since I just unleashed this week, everything I said had been though about for quite some time. Everything I said had a very valid point. They were some serious truth darts. It wasn't just me losing control and screaming because I was ticked off and reacting. He called me to talk about s which lead to the discussion.
I wasn't even going to say anything then, but he kept pushing the issue. I hit him up and down. It was all truth and reality. And I brought up so many things that he had been lying about and hiding and he had NO IDEA that I knew. Imagine his surprise that I never said a word. I never called him out. I never "reacted" to it. He called me and pushed the conversation. It was time. I am so glad I waited. I knew exactly what was important to be addressed. It was not at all a result of me being upset by him. He called me. His actions were starting to surface with s and us being called into a mtg with the counselor, psychologist, coach and both parents for an "emergency meeting."
Hang in there Shining! You are amazing and doing so well. You will find the things that make you stronger, but you are already so strong.
Thank you, uR, Mighty, and Bright for the support. Bright, yep, that's the reason I came to this board. I don't want a D.
I'm feeling a lot of anxiety the past few days. I had terrible nightmares last night. I'm dreading the closing of the house. Absolutely dreading it. It held such significance when we bought it. I know it sounds silly. I also know it's the best thing now. It has to go away. Too many bad memories there now. Memories that were bad for H before I knew it. It's part of the old life that has to die. The old M.
H has been almost NC for the past few days. He's not sending the friendly texts, good mornings, words are shorter. I'm not reading much meaning into this, other than it's just part of the flailing about crazy cycling they do, and it just is.
H is packing the kitchen and sent a few texts asking if I want stuff. I said no.
There is nothing I can do. Just staying out of the way. Still feeling in my gut that H doesn't really want to be doing all this, but he doesn't know how to stop hurting. It's so sad, and so out of control. I have backed waaaaayyyy off, though. Today was especially difficult. I caught myself many times looking at my phone. I had to get up and get a drink of water sometimes and stop myself.
It's not silly at all, S. This was your home, your children's home. This was part of a dream. Of course you are going to feel sad about it. Nothing wrong with that.
They often pull back when going through something like this. While he thinks it's what he wants, there are other things he is feeling.
So, what can you do to stop wanting to look at your phone. Is there a project you can start? A friend or family you can call? Can you write in a journal? Snap a rubberband on your wrist?
This is tough stuff, Shining. No way around that. Tough, sad stuff.
But you will feel better as you travel this. You are already getting stronger...:)
It is Divorcebusting. But it is not Be a Doormat and Hell Return. The best way to win him back at this point is to appear to be moving on without him. So long as he thinks you are Plan B he's got no reason to quit his adventures.
Also, as I told you a while ago, beware the effect on your kids if you reconcile. I thought I was doing the right thing by my kids by reconciling with their dad, but found out later they spent the next several years waiting for the other shoe to drop. Which it eventually did. Don't underestimate the damage to your kids, especially since he's their stepdad. He betrayed them and they may not want him back in their lives. If so you need to respect that too.
