to wait or not to wait

[Ahoy]

Our timelines are pretty similar, raliced (my H moved out in August, but we were both traveling prior to that so were apart from mid-July onward).
You're right of course about maintaining dignity. And I wouldn't want to do anything that I'd have to keep secret forever, or that I wouldn't be comfortable sharing with my daughter if she asks.

I'm definitely not discounting dating in the long run -- and I'll certainly be open to it post-D. I guess I'll know when the time is right. I wish you the best!

[pilot]

pilot, when you say you are at that point right now, do you mean you think your own dating damaged the possibility of reconciling, or do you mean you're at the point of considering dating? If the former, I'd be interested to know how it caused damage. (Don't worry -- I'm following your advice and not dating, just trying to make sense of it all!)

While I am by no means for certain about where my W is emotionally at this point, it would seem she might be one of those who believes the pathway home is too much trouble, and therefore not worth the effort to even try. She may feel there is too much damage done, too much 'moving on' going on, and the easy path for her might just be to keep moving on.

Recently I was getting frustrated with the limbo...the stagnant nature of where things were going. So I pressed the 'idea' around her that there 'may' in fact be someone else for me right now and I may just be moving on. For me, I think this may have backfired, as looking back at my entire story, I realized adding all the small things together, coupled with the past few weeks, my W may really think I HAVE moved on and there is no reason to even consider R. So now I am trying to undo all of that by painting a smoother road home.

Bottom line is unless you really are ready to move on, do not move on.

[Ahoy]

Wow -- that is good to know, and good advice.
It's tricky because one of the "rules" is to be a bit mysterious and don't talk about everything you're doing to WAS.
I did that, but I could tell H was suspicious of what I was up to (going out to hear live music -- by myself, though he didn't know that last part).
Then I worried it was pushing him away, giving him further justification for his actions. How are you working to make the road home smoother for her?

[LisaB]

Hi Ahoy, weighing in on the dating thing.

For me, the dating debate is a personal decision that you have to make based on the situation.

My H is actively dating/having sex. And there is also a special OW. So I feel if he is going to hump every woman in town then I feel fine in dating myself as far as the moral part of it is concerned. And I also feel that whole potentially missing out unbalanced adventure thing you mentioned.

However, the key for me is that my WAH can wonder if I am dating but at this point he shouldn't be SURE I'm dating. Basically he should be thinking "oh crap, someone else might get my W!" but not actually see the evidence at this point. I say this because of what happened in my story a few weeks ago.

Maybe in a month or so things will change (for the worse) and it will be fine for me to show off publicly that I am dating someone else. But for now, I feel if I want to date or flirt I can do it only where WAH won't find out directly. Because I think if you throw it in their face it makes them jealous but then they also might close the door they had opened a crack. They may think it is too difficult to reconcile or they may shut down to protect themselves.

A little mystery is good though.

I also agree with you and others that I may not be ready emotionally to date now anyway. At this point I am really only flirting, not dating.

That's my two cents on dating.

Oh and also if you suspect an A of some kind whether PA, EA or just crush, I would say be extra careful of the fog. The A puts a heavy confusion on the WAS that clouds their feelings about you. They can't think about anything but the A until they get over it. So hold on since the ride might be a long one waiting for that to be over.

Hugs, Lisa

[Ahoy]

That is wonderful advice -- keep him wondering, but don't give him any ammunition.
I went back and re-read your thread and realized you were talking about the party-kissing episode, which threw him into a tizzy and made him angry.
It's so hypocritical for him to be doing what he's doing and then get mad when a guy makes a pass at you -- but then again, does anything they say or do make sense right now? No.

I'll be honest, I'm enjoying the attention I'm getting from other men, even though I'm nowhere near being ready to act on it.

But I'm also keeping my creep antenna up since I know I'm vulnerable. One guy from the hiking meetup messaged me a couple of times to go hiking just the two of us. He is married, and I just thought it was creepy and inappropriate. Plus, he could be some weirdo waiting to get me into the woods alone!

But there are others who are just nice guys. It's been so long since I've allowed myself to be friends with guys (was always protective of my marriage in the past).

[Georgiabelle]

Ahoy,

I'm sorry if this hijacks your thread, however I wanted to respond to your question. This board helped me tremendously post BD and I was pretty fortunate to find it just a few days after that.

An A was not a deal breaker for me. However, my xh turned into a man that I never imagined he could. It was one thing to be hurtful to me, however his behavior towards the kids was very difficult for me to comprehend. He has become the person he always spoke so horribly about. I occasionally feel embarrassed for him, although now I have a sense of pity. There was no particular event-just the totality of certain events and behaviors that told me I truly needed to let him go. I commend people who stand for years or who R their marriages after much time apart. This is not what I ever imagined for myself and I have a vivid imagination. I do hope he finds a sense of peace for himself.

You will learn what you want as this journey progresses. The only solid advice I have is to conduct yourself in a way that you can look back and say that you did what you could and handled yourself with grace in the process. Regardless of the outcome! My children were watching and I wanted them to see that you can laugh and be the rock in very challenging circumstances. This process taught me (and boy did I struggle) that it's not my job to teach him life lessons-God, life, and the universe will handle anything and everything. That's just my perspective.

[Ahoy]

Georgiabelle, that is one of the best posts I've read. Thank you for that, and for answering my question.
I need to print this out and post it on my wall to remind me that everything I do right now I should do for my own benefit, and that I should conduct myself with dignity and grace -- at the very least for my daughter. I do want to be proud of how I handle the situation.

I commend you for knowing when the time was right for you to be done. You are practicing self-care, which is the best thing you can do for yourself and your children.
Big hugs.

[zew]

Ahoy,

Jealousy is a cruel tool. The whole concept of revenge dating just can't help.

I feel if I want to date or flirt I can do it only where WAH won't find out directly.

The assumption should be that it will be found out, because it always is. Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to explain to your parents/friends/family.

My W was in another town, flirting with a guy. When I later found out about it, she was absolutely perplexed as to how I could possibly know the guy. He wasn't from the area. Well, he was someone I worked with a decade ago, and the connections were all still in place, and gossip travels faster than physics allows.

I'm with Georgiabelle - you're the example. Dignity and grace. High road all the way.

[Ahoy]

Thank you for the back-up, zew. I agree. The more I think about it, the more I feel that I need to take the high road and be the better person in this situation (to borrow a few cliches). At least I will feel good about myself, even if I don't feel good about anything else that is happening (the things that are out of my control anyway).

[LisaB]

True zew, true. Gossip and information does have a way of getting around. The high road is a good road to take and when in doubt err on the side of caution.

It depends on your situation, too. No one would fault me for flirting when my H is openly sleeping with and dating multiple women and says he is completely done with our relationship and has no interest in me. But still, any of that behavior on my part does complicate the situation and start making me the problem rather than him. Although that is a nice change of pace in a way...

But still it is better to only seem happy and content like you might possibly be dating than to be found out actually doing it.

Good luck Ahoy!
Hugs, LisaB