But you know that. No one can humiliate you! You have nothing to be ashamed about.
I felt that when I first caught on that many of my neighbors thought I was a slut. They made assumptions about me and my situation without knowing the truth.
Him: Older, he filed against me, he's always working hard, seems like a great guy. Me: Younger, (way hotter!) out dancing with other men. Therefore, I cheated on him, right?
At first I thought "humiliated" suited how I felt. Then I realized that I had done nothing to be humiliated about.
The correct interpretation of my feelings was "VIOLATED." People were WAY into my business when they saw that divorce notice in the paper. (Before I knew anything about it too.)
I shared this with H at the time. He said, simply: "Sorry".
I was embarrassed, but more for him than for me. I decided I would hold my head high, and set the record straight, not about him, but about me.
I said I loved him, was a good wife to him, but he just got to a point where he no longer wanted to be married. End of story.
So. Maybe find a better word? Because "humiliated" isn't cutting it.
---GGG
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
GGG.....Yup. See what I did there?? I made it about me. It's not about me. I'm not humiliated, you're right. Violated is far more accurate. Definitely stinkin' thinkin' and I have enough stink with 3 teenaged boys and my dog... Don't need more.
I was trying on the "victim" costume for a minute, that's all.
I'm so sorry. That's a sukky feeling although in time you may realize that you just feel embarrassed for him in general. It's a strange feeling when you become more detached. However, you sort of think, " Gosh! Poor guy looks ridiculous."
Remember this is about him-not you. Please know that there at so many desperate, damaged folk who would get into a relationship with Beelzebub should the opportunity presents itself.
3 kids BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. ) Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style D final 9-9-14 "Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
My friend, I am sorry you had to hear that information. It is hurtful no matter where you are in all of this.
I agree with what the others wrote. In his crazy mind, he has to see this through. He thinks if he doesnt, he will never know if he could be happy. Whatev. It doesnt work. But he doesnt know that.
So, it stung for a bit. Would be worried if it didnt. You have nothing at all to be ashamed of. That's on him.
MLC = state of confusion.
I dont know why it isnt recognized more. It is so widespread.
Leave him to his crazy. Let him spin and spin.
You arent getting anywhere near that whirlwind. You dont want to get any of it on you.
So, you didnt choose so great the first time. I think you can see clearly now why you did choose him. So much clearer from all the way back here, right?
When my wife left I did the free signup for match.com because I was hurt and angry and want to see what I had to look forward to. I did nothing with it and basically forgot about it except they kept send possible matches to my email. One day last winter while reviewing my emails I got a strong urge to open the match mail and see what my possible matchs looked like. Was I surprised to see my wifes face looking out at me. She had registered the day before and was a high 90s match. To tweak her as I was angry to see her doing this, I opened up my profile and added a picture then opened hers so she knew that I knew. Did not gain anything for me and made me hurt all over again.
We all have to learn to let go and not snoop as it just catches up with us.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
LT, ugh, it stinks that you know this feeling, and I'm sorry for that. I have never been a "snooper". I know his profile is there, I can look It up if I choose. I really don't want to know. If it doesn't help me, then it has no place in my head. I don't have room for anymore negative, lol.
My brother was snoopy, growing up. He snooped at all of his Christmas gifts in the closet. I didn't want to know. I wanted the surprise. It was my brother who snooped in our parent's file cabinet and found out about our half sibling... He called me down to look because he was freaking out, beside himself.
When I first started suspecting H was hiding things, heck, even before that. I never snooped his emails, texts, calls, his closet... Maybe I should have been more snoopy, in hindsight. But what would it have changed? I don't want to be that person. And I don't want to be with a person I can't trust. I shouldn't have to snoop, is my position. But, it was also the "clueless" mindset that let I my guard down and allowed this in.
uR, I am really seeing how desperate H is to search the world over for something he has all along...like Dorothy, at the end of The Wizard of Oz...lol... He has to get all the way down that brick road, meet some strange characters, including flying monkeys and witches... Ugh. Hopefully he'll get there. And he'll see there is no "Great Oz". Behind the curtain, he will learn it's all a facade. And he can look inside.
Mistake #1: (xh #1) We were engaged in 4 weeks. We didn't marry until a little over a year afterward. I was completely swept off my feet like I never had been before. I felt like he was a knight in shining armor (first big red flag). He WANTED to take care of me. He was ABLE to take care of me. I NEEDED to be taken care of, for once. What more does a marriage need????
Oh, yeah. 1. Respect 2. Compatibility 3. Trust
...for starters.
Psshhh. Who needs THAT when there's soooooo muuuuuch loooooovvvvee!!!! (...gag...)
So, "taking care of me", turned into "doing everything for me." He then turned it into, "well, you CAN'T do anything, because you're worthless and stupid." And, of course, was followed by, "I now control your every waking moment, and therefore I must know where you are, and who you're with at all times". <<<<< (Flying red flags everywhere)
I had no control of our bank account. Wait, clarifying... It was never "our" bank account. My name went on HIS account...(another big red flag). Here's the thing... In the beginning, I bought into this as a good idea. I mean, he was so good with money, and I shouldn't have to worry about that stuff because he will take care of it as the man of the house. (More gagging, now with some stomach acid...)
My mother saw xH true colors at our wedding. There was a miscommunication about the following day and where we would all meet. H bipolar mother was confused, and told xH that no one invited her....xH went directly to my mother and yelled at her. At our reception. She held it together through the next day. Then she told me what happened.
Well, what does a girl like me do when my Mom has been disrespected by my new h? You're darn right I did!! I cut her out of my life!!! I think he term is "alienated."
His controlling crept up on me sooooo, so slow, though...I didn't even see it happening. I feel like I woke up one day and went, "wait, is this even normal?"
I was in a controlling R? Me??!!! The smart, independent, strong woman I am...controlled?? You've got to be kidding.
So I thought....hmmmm..... I better start pushing back. That's a great idea. I'll change the rules in the middle of the game that h is so comfortable with. I'm SURE it will fix everything.
Well, that didn't quite work.... It got rocky.
After we were married one year, H dad died of a heart attack. H became even angrier, due to circumstances of his father's death, which were beyond his control.
Then I got pregnant with the twins.
I was 25 weeks along, and I started having severe pains. I thought it was just gas. Better go in, get looked at, check things out....you know, just to be sure. It's probably nothing. Denialdenialdenialdenial....Hmmm... Nope. Remember that rug I was standing on? Yeah, that got pulled out.
Went to the hospital, then transported code 3 to downtown hospital for higher level care...baby #1 foot was out. Yaaayyy. Got to hospital, had an emergency procedure to keep that little foot back in. Then, for 2 and a half weeks, I was laid up a la "Trendelenberg", (using gravity to keep it all in...bed tilted with my head lower than my hips...boobs smothering my face...it was awesome). They had to weigh me daily, on a hoist. Like a whale. Not even kidding. I've never really felt sexier. I was shot up with steroids and other fun stuff, and there I was. Cooking.
Babies were born at 28 weeks. 2 lb 6 oz. They were perfect other than being early and their lungs underdeveloped...but they came along great, and went home in only 8 weeks.
It was scary, though. Not all of the other babies in the unit made it through, and I met many parents of those babies. Lots of roller coaster riding in those weeks, worrying, wondering if they'll be ok, if they'll be normal. Am I even normal anymore...
I learned this was xh#1 comfort zone, though. We always got along fine during trauma. Or sickness. It was the healthy times that killed us, lol.
Do I ask him about it? Like why doesn't he grow a pair and just file already???
Ummmm....Shining......why don't YOU grow a pair and file already??
Do you really want to show him - or your kids - that it's ok for him to be married to you but out there dating multiple women?
I know you hope for restoration of your marriage, but oddly enough, that's usually MORE likely to happen if you stand up for yourself and don't allow them to disrespect you.
You can approach it in a straightforward but non-snarky way: "H, I received a call from a coworker about your online dating profile. I would appreciate it if you would hurry up and file for divorce (Or, alternatively, "I am going to be filing for divorce next week and just wanted to give you a heads up")."
This was not a 20 year marriage. There are other red flags in his past history. Odds are that the "perfect" husband he seemed to be early in your relationship was actually a mirage.
If he really IS that great guy, he'll return to his senses eventually, and being divorced would not stop him from returning if you were the love of his life. But it's also possible that he's someone who just can't keep up the facade for more than a few years. And he would have to do a BOATLOAD of work before it would be acceptable to reconcile with him.
So get your legal and financial freedom, throw a monkey wrench into his fantasy that he can date all these women and you'll still be waiting in the wings as plan B, and let him face the consequences of his actions - the only possible way for growth to occur (although never guaranteed).
My question of why H doesn't, just file was more of me trying to understand the thought process of someone in MLC, and how they justify their behavior to themselves and others while being married.
Reasons I don't?
First, it is not what I want to do. I come here to vent and sort things out, learn and get through. I may change my mind. But, today, I don't want a divorce
Second, I believe in this process.
Third, I don't require child support or anything from H, and financially, it benefits me to remain married.
My intention is not to show anyone, H or my kids, that it's ok for him to be married to me but dating multiple women. My kids don't know about the multiples. Just ow#1 who is gone.
My intention is to show my kids that marriage is serious, and you fight as hard as you can before walking away. H is sick. They know this, they were present for the suicide attempt. Through the past months, this experience, and lots of counseling, they have a very good understanding that this isn't what a "normal" person does, this isn't just "ok". It is disrespectful, but my belief is that the disrespect is part of the fall-out effect. Not the intent on the MLC part. His only intention is easing his own pain, without regard to me.
I'm guessing some posts on my thread have made it unclear, and my h#1 story may be getting confused with current H. Although my current H and I have only been together for 6 1/2 years, I've known him since we were 13. I know his family. H isn't the one with all the red flags. Current H flipped 180. Even H family sees it. If h has been wearing a mask, then it's been all his life, which I suppose is possible.
