Hey, will you do me a favor? Our friend, Sam, is at a little crossroads, I think. I haven't responded to some questions she just posted. But she's got some doozies. I'd feel more comfortable tag-teaming this one.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
But that whole sex thing about men? Can I give you an "amen"? I mean, is it REALLY gonna stay THAT easy?!? Lol.
For the most part. We really are simple creatures. But I would throw in "words of affirmation." This is very high on many of our LLs lists. I counsel my daughters to look for sincere ways to praise their husbands, especially in front of others, and especially about their COMPETENCE. Too many women neglect this, IMHO, and when they do hand out a compliment -- like most of us erroneously do with LLs, where we "give what we want to get" -- it's about their man's LOOKS (or body). Instead, tell him that you notice what he's good at.
When the fetching Mrs. Starsky would say, after one of our son's youth baseball games where I was the manager, "You're a really good coach, you know that?"
H and I took the LL quiz back in 2006. You could likely guess that he scored highest on Physical Touch and WOA. You can also imagine, then, how we ended up back "here" this year. I withheld sex (I didn't want to be with him) because he wasn't meeting MY needs. (How ridiculous and stubborn, looking back, that *I* was the one with all the "tools" to get our R back on track but was too self-absorbed to use them!)
Anyway, I actually greatly appreciate the tip on complimenting him - especially publicly - about his competence. That's great stuff!!
It is SO outside my comfort zone to praise people. When someone praises me, it makes me want to crawl in a hole. It's just not my thing. And it's been super-hard for me to provide it to others. I've always said: When I praise someone, I'm afraid they then feel they have to live up to some expectation that I have of them instead of living for themselves. What's it matter if *I* am proud of you when all that matters is if you're proud of *yourself*?!
It was my brother who pointed out to me that people think differently. And he NEEDS to hear "I'm proud of you" from the people he respects most in life.
So I've tried to do better. But outward praise is sometimes still kinda forced from me. And I don't know WHY. It's easy for a friend. Why not for my family members?
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
I have the "TimeHop" app. Yesterday, there was a picture that popped up from exactly one year ago. It was of H and his new tattoo, which he got last year to represent my D17 (his step-daughter). (He has each of our kids represented by a tattoo on his arm.) Everything was FINE at the time I pulled up the picture; in fact, H and I had just returned from a date. (It was by no means our best date; actually our worst since getting back together, but it wasn't for the company. The date-spot blew balls). So we get back home, I look at my TimeHop pictures before the day (and thus pictures) changed, I noticed the picture and the month it was taken (last September, obviously) and WAM! I hit rock-bottom. I showed H the picture and said, "See? This is where I get confused. Were you miserable in our M in this picture? D3 and I stopped by the tattoo place while you were getting your tattoo - I remember it vividly - we all were happy and hanging out. Were you miserable here? Because you went out, three months after this photo, and actively asked another woman for her phone number at a grocery store."
H said: "No. I don't think I was miserable there."
And I said: "So then, I'm hearing you say you were miserable in our M for less than three months and then actively went out looking for another woman. Is that right?"
He gets all confused and stutter-y ... and then he tried to start reassuring me: "It's not going to happen again, Train. I've changed."
And then, in my mind, I kinda lose it. Changed? Really? It hasn't been even five months since he came home. *Changed*?
What gets me EVERY TIME, y'all, is that this happened to me twice in eight years. I.cannot.get.over.it. I've told H that the A itself isn't my obstacle; it's my own doubts because he has put me through this hel! twice.
Am I expecting too much of myself too soon? Am I expecting too much from him? The impossible? Should I even be having those conversations with him? Showing him pictures and asking how he might have been feeling at that time? Am I looking for too much information? Answers I'll never get? Or at least answers that will never satisfy me? Or have I hit a fork in the road here?
I mean, I still know I can keep my side of the street clean and continue to try piecing our relationship back together. We are still working very hard. But will this doubt EVER begin to lift? It's standing in my way. It is starting to impact my outlook and my mood when we are alone together. It feels so heavy and burdensome.
How do I start letting go of that? And how can I shove it in the back of my brain long enough to try to interact with H in a more forgiving, forward-looking, solution-focused way? If I can't drop this doubt, I'm going to end up pushing H away. And - if I'm being honest - when I'm in the throes of my REALLY doubtful times, there are moments when I don't care if I do. I know that's not me and that's not what I want. But I'm living each day right now, actually assuming in the back of my head that H will do this to me again, even if I'm trying to do everything right. It makes me sad. And mad.
I miss the comfort of security and the feeling of carefree happiness - of being wildly in love with my H, knowing he's my life partner and best friend. And I don't know that I will ever have that with him again. It feels so unfair. Like I've been robbed.
M: 40 H: 44 Married 14 years S11 & D6; D20 & D19 from previous M 2BDs/PAs, 8 years apart Piecing: April 2014
Train, I have those same feelings when I look back at pictures or mementos from trips, vacations, school functions. Times when I thought we had so much fun together and we seemed so happy. Were they really conflicted inside and just putting on a show?
I know this is going to come across as a little leaguer giving a professional tips since you're a lot further along than I am, but the one word that I kept thinking of the whole time I read that post was- TIME.
I can only imagine that over time, those feelings you described will eventually be replaced with comfort and security.
