Can you tell us more about this A? When it started, who the OM is or how she met him, how you found out, etc.? Had she expressed unhappiness in recent years or months?
Was she a SAHM?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
My W and I were good friends with this couple. We spent a lot of time together over the last 5 years. He works outdoors and he can be around our house during the day whenever he wants, while I am stuck at work. He was also doing some renovation work on our house. He would stop by my house daily for years, but I trusted my W as much as I trusted myself. It sounds sickening, but in one of the emails I eventually discovered, my W referred to him as a "brother-husband".
W is a SAHM. He had said inappropriate things to her in the past and she told me about it, further lulling me into a false sense of security. He was having problems with his M. I suggested MC, but he began confiding in my W instead.
About 2 months before D-day #1 (8/2013 - on our anniversary) he texted her about his "dreams" and she took the bait. Thus began EA. It became physical (oral sex), and they were about to consummate when his W found out. My W initially told me he tried to kiss her, but then I found emails proving it was mutual, followed by weeks of trickle truth.
Months of IC and MC. MC was very passive and just kept asking me to love on her. I have no idea what her IC did. She never showed much remorse and less interest in helping me heal. She became ambivalent about the R after about 4 months. Eventually she stopped telling me she loves me, and we stopped being intimate. It seems like it took me too long to forgive her. MC never encouraged her to work on M. I don't know when she reestablished contact with OM or if she ever really truly broke contact with him in the first place. He is in the process of D.
When W insisted on separation even after I had made drastic sweeping changes to myself (see book "the Garden of Peace" by Shalom Arush, for example), I knew she still had not sealed all the exits in our R. A few weeks later (7/2014) I caught her leaving his house - crouched in the back seat of his car.
I know it unusual, but there really was no unhappiness leading up to the affair. We had a great 2 week family trip right before D-day and it was amazing. I acknowledge that I was more dominant and got my way more often than she did, and she never asserted herself. I also acknowledge that I was unbending when it came to parenting and religious matters.
I have not read DB or DR book yet. My plate is quite full and I am doing my best to prioritize my life right now.
As to the assertion that I "glossed over [my] problems and haven't take responsibility for [my] side of things", I am not sure on what you are basing this. Please elaborate if you think that taking more responsibility for my "side of things" will help my current sitch.
Maybe I am too new at this, but responsibility for what? For my W's MLC? For the flaws in OR that led to the A? For her inability to assert herself? For not being jealous enough when this guy was around? for not forgiving her sooner after the A?
Please explain to me (in detail) how it will help my current sitch. I am not understanding how it will help. If I take more responsibility for my role in A, then....
Read the books. It seems like you want the quick version spoon fed to you from us. You won't be able to succeed unless you actually put in some effort.
No matter how busy you are, is what you're doing more important than saving your M which is supposed to be for LIFE?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I read DR. I am waiting for DB. I am trying to incorporate all the ideas into my life, but it is not automatic. I am being more civil with my W. I am working on myself. I am spending more time with the children. I am working on my PMA. I am not sure what to make of the email I received from my W.
"I am completely embarrassed that I can't come up with the nerve to look you in the eye and apologize for all the hurt, pain and devastation I have caused you. Yes that makes me a complete coward. I know that what I did and have been doing to you is unforgivable but I just want to tell you how unbelievably sorry I am. You said last night in the car that some times people don't see the gem they have right in front of them and in my case that is so true. You are a gem and I destroyed the sparkling marriage with my constant mistakes. I am sorry. I truly am. I don't deserve your forgiveness and that is what I will carry with me for the rest of my life but I do need you to know that I am so sorry and I truly loved you with my heart and soul. I know that doesn't make sense to you because you are complete but I never want you to believe that I didn't love you. I am trying to figure out who I am Like XXXX XXXXXX said we need to find out who we really are. I am so sorry for the pain I cause you during this process. I went about things the wrong way. I am so sorry. I can go on for pages but I will be happy knowing you read this much."
Although there is much more that I wanted to say in reply, I responded that "I appreciate you sincere effort to apologize and I am sorry this is hard for you." the problem is that although she says she is sorry, she is continuing the same behavior (the A). This makes for a very shallow apology.
Please see my post from 15 minutes ago. But, I have another long-winded question.
It take time to internalize all the DB wisdom. This wisdom dictates how I should respond in a given situation. In the absence of wisdom, I do not get any real-time advice. I don't want to make a mistake. I have made so many in the process already.
My W has already served me dissolution papers and really wants to proceed with D mediation. I told her I would proceed. She already thinks I am dragging my feet. I need to email the mediator and my W to tell them I am ready to start mediation. I do not know what to write. I do not want to make it look like I am asking for the divorce. Any suggestions?
Has anyone seen my last two posts? I have not seen any replies. I feel quite alone. I know everyone has lives and other commitments, but any support or input would be appreciated.
I feel like everything I have done in the past year has been a mistake and further worsened the R. I am tired of making mistakes and I want to do things the DB way. My next coaching session is not until Thursday and I am not sure how to proceed.
